An unfortunate social trend (children, house, conversation, college)
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I sorta get where you are coming from. When I lived in a larger city it seemed like everyone did have an agenda and would try to convince you to join their political angle or lobby group or new agey cult or some weird meditation or save the world peace group, etc. It was always someone way out there in left field and were like hawks waiting for a new stranger to strike up a conversation with and try to reel them in so to speak. I really don't get that now that I have moved to opposite of country. Well other than hardcore Christians trying to convert you to their denomination, but that's mainly the old women doing that and no one else bothers you. But yeah for awhile it seemed like anywhere I went in the city a new friend was only there to see what they could get out of you...a free place to stay, a romantic type relationship in exchange for you taking care of them financially, go to a support group for a medical problem and suddenly you got people calling you wanting you to pick up groceries for them, etc. I mean I don't mind being nice, but there is a limit.
My suggestion is you don't let this make you paranoid because there are good folks out there who aren't creepers. Try experimenting with projecting different things like stop projecting that everyone is out to get something and then it seems like more genuine people show up. Just learn to do your own thing with hobbies and sports, join a gym or martial arts class or crafting class, etc and you will just meet other folks that like the same things that enjoy chatting about it and don't necessarily want anything in return but friendship, kindness and a good chat. Find a message board related to your hobby and meet people through that. I've made several friends that way. lol They are always married so they have less time to spend, but have met folks like that for pizza or going to the lake every once in awhile. Hit it off with complete strangers on Facebook and I don't know how. It just happens when you approach people that you have something in common with and just keep in touch.
There is a lot of problems with fragmentation in American society these days. It may have been that way on and off for a long time, but I see it.
Very few people go to bars to make new friends in America, in my experience. They go there to find a sex partner, or to get drunk (or both). Going to a bar to have one or two drinks and be social in a relaxed environment seems anachronistic.
I agree. I've experienced that quite a bit back in my going-out days (alone btw). The one place I could go to dance, drink, enjoy good music and not deal with a bunch of crowds closed after awhile. Everywhere else, people go out with people and if you go to places like bookstores and coffee shops, people are usually doing something else and are not there to meet people.
My mom keeps telling me to start groups online/meet people that way. I attract enough weirdos in real life thank you. I seriously believe if I started trying to meet and date online I'd end up locked in a trunk somewhere.
Anyway I blame the change of the times. People have become increasingly money and status-obsessed and though it's always been that way to an extent, it's become worse with the difficulty in finding jobs and other economic opportunities. People who are working are always at work, winding down from work or dealing with other necessary errands on their time off. It's hard to do things spontaneously anymore and people are choosing social networking and internet forums for interaction when they lack the time/finances to go out.
Over the last decade I've increasingly experienced a social trend that does not bode well at all for society at large, and speaks quite badly of our culture in general.
It used to be that one could go out in public and perhaps meet new friends at the various social venues, such as coffee houses, restaurants, and even bars, though I've not had much luck in bars, and largely avoid them anymore, but I do try to show up at places where people can meet and mix. It doesn't serve me to do so anymore.
I first started seeing the trend when I lived in San Francisco around 1995, at the coffee shops I frequented. More and more the social predators were showing up there to work the regulars for whatever they could get out of them, and they became so oppressive that many of us just stopped going to those places.
After I moved to Michigan it was pretty much the same, and anyone who approached you in public had an agenda running and had targeted you for some short term gain or long con. Then I moved to Alabama, and found the same thing in operation. Anyone who would talk to you in a public social venue did so only to push their agenda with you, and would not let you get so much as a word in. They were all after something, and it wasn't friendship either. Finally I moved out of there and came to Naples Florida, which has proven to be an absolute social desert.
Here in Naples making friends seems quite impossible, and I hear that echoed by many others, both online and offline. Some of those who have talked to me about it attribute it to there being two kinds of people here, the isolators, and the users, those being the social predators who are out to make use of anyone they can in the usual ways for the usual things.
I've seen this in operation at every public social venue I've been at. The isolators come with someone they can talk to in order to exclude everyone else there, or they bury themselves in their iPhone, iPad, laptop, book, etc. or have their earbuds in dark shades on, and their icy wall up around them.
The users prowl all such public social venues hunting prey in the form of those not good at isolating in pubic and who are therefore vulnerable, and can be chatted up and manipulated toward the goal of whatever short term gain, or long con the user has in mind. Starbucks is the favorite hunting ground of the users here, and anyone who approaches you at a Starbucks here will turn out to be a user, seeking to manipulate you into letting them use you for something. I've yet to see an exception to this.
Some of them are very subtle, some are quite overt and aggressive, but it soon becomes apparent they want something from you, and are working toward that. I was approached by such a person a few weeks ago at a Starbucks, a woman who wanted to share my table, and she was very glib and personable at first. She quickly began pushing the notion that we were to be the very best of friends, telling me what a good and loyal friend she was, while dropping subtle hints about what she wanted to use me for, and there were several things she had in mind for me.
Over the course of a week and the texts and emails we exchanged she showed herself to be a manipulating drama queen of the worst sort. I tapered off contact with her quickly after she started calling me up drunk at night. I'm quite sure she's back out there hunting other prey.
I was not in Naples two hours before I was approached by a man in public who very aggressively did his best to pry into my personal business and push his scam on me. I froze him out completely, but he didn't give up right away.
Next I ran into the couple next door who are very aggressive freeloaders and will do all then can to chat me up pursuant to getting into my house to look around for what they want to steal, or use me in any other way they can. They have already victimized some of my neighbors and the word is out about them, but they never ever give up.
Next was the horny creep next door who came knocking on my door offering me money for sex, and telling me where to knock on his bedroom wall. I have to be careful going about the neighborhood on foot because of these people. If they see me outside they come right after me. Over the two years I've lived here I've not been able to make one friend. If they don't already know you they don't want to, at least if they are not the users they don't. In the same time period I've run into 28 major social predators who approached me first and immediately began working their angle on me. I've had to learn to isolate in public and make myself the smallest possible target. I have no social life at all here.
I've talked with old friends online who live in other parts of the country, and they all tell me the same trend is in operation where they are, and that it's really going on everywhere in the US.
I find this quite depressing, and I have to wonder how we got here.
Interesting if not a somewhat baffling post Amy. If you were just describing Naples, FL or Alabama I might have understood, but San Fran and Ann Arbor too?
But as I see it, you are an attractive woman, without the typical clique of friends to surround yourself with that most attractive women have. So I understand why you get alot of male attention including the creepy kind. But it is hard to imagine all of these guys in all of these cities and towns having bad motives. It sounds like you wouldn't recognize a decent guy if he approached you. And I don't blame you for being leary of a 29th social predator coming your way. You'd probably reflexively think I was a creep too.
I'm also guessing that you don't have a modern manner which closes you to contact (headphones on, iphones or laptop, etc.) from strangers. I don't either, and I hate this social trend of being out but only into yourself. This probably makes you more appreciated on the job and in general.
So I guess someone would advise you to stay away from the common social venues (Starbucks, bars, etal.) and stick to wholesome, only potentially-social places like dog parks, public gardens, or anything coming directly from something you are interested in.
Although the latter third of your post with your neighborhood in Naples sounds completely unacceptable, remember that all humans kind of want something from you, if even as a friend.
Interesting if not a somewhat baffling post Amy. If you were just describing Naples, FL or Alabama I might have understood, but San Fran and Ann Arbor too?
But as I see it, you are an attractive woman, without the typical clique of friends to surround yourself with that most attractive women have. So I understand why you get alot of male attention including the creepy kind. But it is hard to imagine all of these guys in all of these cities and towns having bad motives. It sounds like you wouldn't recognize a decent guy if he approached you. And I don't blame you for being leary of a 29th social predator coming your way. You'd probably reflexively think I was a creep too.
I'm also guessing that you don't have a modern manner which closes you to contact (headphones on, iphones or laptop, etc.) from strangers. I don't either, and I hate this social trend of being out but only into yourself. This probably makes you more appreciated on the job and in general.
So I guess someone would advise you to stay away from the common social venues (Starbucks, bars, etal.) and stick to wholesome, only potentially-social places like dog parks, public gardens, or anything coming directly from something you are interested in.
Although the latter third of your post with your neighborhood in Naples sounds completely unacceptable, remember that all humans kind of want something from you, if even as a friend.
There are a few good points here, though I don't see why someone need to wear headphones or carry a laptop to the coffeehouse in order to armor themselves against people.
But I'm still puzzled by this OP. Since when do strangers plop themselves down at someone's table at a coffee house, and start yapping? I've actually noticed the opposite tendency. Everyone goes to the "cool" coffeehouse to hang out, hoping to meet someone new, but of all these hopeful singles, no one actually talks to anyone else. People go to socialize, but no one actually does any socializing. I've seen this all over the West Coast and in the SW. It sounds to me like the OP is running into some bizarre behavior. I can't imagine why.
Over the last decade I've increasingly experienced a social trend that does not bode well at all for society at large, and speaks quite badly of our culture in general.
It used to be that one could go out in public and perhaps meet new friends at the various social venues, such as coffee houses, restaurants, and even bars, though I've not had much luck in bars, and largely avoid them anymore, but I do try to show up at places where people can meet and mix. It doesn't serve me to do so anymore.
I first started seeing the trend when I lived in San Francisco around 1995, at the coffee shops I frequented. More and more the social predators were showing up there to work the regulars for whatever they could get out of them, and they became so oppressive that many of us just stopped going to those places.
After I moved to Michigan it was pretty much the same, and anyone who approached you in public had an agenda running and had targeted you for some short term gain or long con. Then I moved to Alabama, and found the same thing in operation. Anyone who would talk to you in a public social venue did so only to push their agenda with you, and would not let you get so much as a word in. They were all after something, and it wasn't friendship either. Finally I moved out of there and came to Naples Florida, which has proven to be an absolute social desert.
Here in Naples making friends seems quite impossible, and I hear that echoed by many others, both online and offline. Some of those who have talked to me about it attribute it to there being two kinds of people here, the isolators, and the users, those being the social predators who are out to make use of anyone they can in the usual ways for the usual things.
I've seen this in operation at every public social venue I've been at. The isolators come with someone they can talk to in order to exclude everyone else there, or they bury themselves in their iPhone, iPad, laptop, book, etc. or have their earbuds in dark shades on, and their icy wall up around them.
The users prowl all such public social venues hunting prey in the form of those not good at isolating in pubic and who are therefore vulnerable, and can be chatted up and manipulated toward the goal of whatever short term gain, or long con the user has in mind. Starbucks is the favorite hunting ground of the users here, and anyone who approaches you at a Starbucks here will turn out to be a user, seeking to manipulate you into letting them use you for something. I've yet to see an exception to this.
Some of them are very subtle, some are quite overt and aggressive, but it soon becomes apparent they want something from you, and are working toward that. I was approached by such a person a few weeks ago at a Starbucks, a woman who wanted to share my table, and she was very glib and personable at first. She quickly began pushing the notion that we were to be the very best of friends, telling me what a good and loyal friend she was, while dropping subtle hints about what she wanted to use me for, and there were several things she had in mind for me.
Over the course of a week and the texts and emails we exchanged she showed herself to be a manipulating drama queen of the worst sort. I tapered off contact with her quickly after she started calling me up drunk at night. I'm quite sure she's back out there hunting other prey.
I was not in Naples two hours before I was approached by a man in public who very aggressively did his best to pry into my personal business and push his scam on me. I froze him out completely, but he didn't give up right away.
Next I ran into the couple next door who are very aggressive freeloaders and will do all then can to chat me up pursuant to getting into my house to look around for what they want to steal, or use me in any other way they can. They have already victimized some of my neighbors and the word is out about them, but they never ever give up.
Next was the horny creep next door who came knocking on my door offering me money for sex, and telling me where to knock on his bedroom wall. I have to be careful going about the neighborhood on foot because of these people. If they see me outside they come right after me. Over the two years I've lived here I've not been able to make one friend. If they don't already know you they don't want to, at least if they are not the users they don't. In the same time period I've run into 28 major social predators who approached me first and immediately began working their angle on me. I've had to learn to isolate in public and make myself the smallest possible target. I have no social life at all here.
I've talked with old friends online who live in other parts of the country, and they all tell me the same trend is in operation where they are, and that it's really going on everywhere in the US.
I find this quite depressing, and I have to wonder how we got here.
This is a truly ugly and depressing picture. American society seems to have changed so deeply. I felt it already in the 80's, and it looks to have become a snowball rolling down a hill, getting bigger and bigger and faster and faster.
I thought when I decided to emigrate from the U.S. that this deterioration was mainly in politics and religion, but it seems pervasive at this point.
There are a few good points here, though I don't see why someone need to wear headphones or carry a laptop to the coffeehouse in order to armor themselves against people.
But I'm still puzzled by this OP. Since when do strangers plop themselves down at someone's table at a coffee house, and start yapping? I've actually noticed the opposite tendency. Everyone goes to the "cool" coffeehouse to hang out, hoping to meet someone new, but of all these hopeful singles, no one actually talks to anyone else. People go to socialize, but no one actually does any socializing. I've seen this all over the West Coast and in the SW. It sounds to me like the OP is running into some bizarre behavior. I can't imagine why.
LOL. Me too, I NEVER get approached by anyone when I'm in public places. Do you have a secret perfume OP. what the hell.
This is a truly ugly and depressing picture. American society seems to have changed so deeply. I felt it already in the 80's, and it looks to have become a snowball rolling down a hill, getting bigger and bigger and faster and faster.
I thought when I decided to emigrate from the U.S. that this deterioration was mainly in politics and religion, but it seems pervasive at this point.
I wouldn't worry about it, kevxu. It doesn't exist anywhere that I've lived or visited in the US. I can see how with the strip-mall phenomenon the OP describes, where there's no real community center, no inviting outdoor strolling area that draws people to hang out, the atmosphere could get impersonal, and the scene would be left to more off-kilter types.
I moved to a new city a year or two ago...most of the people I meet are commuter types, they have their own life, friends, etc all out in their homes in the suburbs, that they have had all their life. They just aren't that interested in meeting new people outside their current circle. Many of the people I met who showed interest were some of the worst types. Creeps. They come on friendly at first, sympathetic. The cracks start to show before long, but you let it slide. However sooner or later you realize this is just a person you want nothing to do with. I hadn't really put this together before but it really makes sense now, thank you for bringing it up.
I would like to read that book above. It is a topic I have thought about for a while. Americans have their individuality but not much community. People go to work, go home. Spend time with people they know. Be on the internet, watch TV. No one ever just goes "out." Even when I was younger I loved to just be "out," walk around, explore, meet people, do things. When you are just "out" what you notice is that there are very few other people "out." The lights are on in the houses and the main streets are busy with cars but there are not very many people who are just out enjoying the outside, the world. They are in their own worlds. I dunno man, it just is a bummer, it really is.
My suggestion is you don't let this make you paranoid because there are good folks out there who aren't creepers. Try experimenting with projecting different things like stop projecting that everyone is out to get something
Projecting? Paranoid? I've posted my experiences, not my suspicions as another accused me of here. When I met this woman at Starbucks I was quite open to friendship with her, and really very excited about it... until she began trying to manipulate me and use me, whereupon I was very disappointed once again.
So as for projecting, I think some here have projected onto me their negative views. I've only related my experiences, and observations of them, but then no matter what you say on the internet someone will have to put you down for it so it's hardly any surprise.
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