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I lost a brother a few years ago. I was the only one who spoke with him. The others came to his wake with remorse. One cried his eyes out. Now they don't speak to me. I come from a family that has a self-appointed kingpin and there always has to be one man out. Glad I'm out. It's freeing.
My brothers and sisters and I are very close and we talk by phone at least once a week and by email even more often. Even though we live in different cities we make an effort to see each other often.
So when I met my wife I was shocked how little she talks to her brothers and sisters. They only see each other at Christmas and don't communicate at all the rest of the year. They spend most of Christmas staring at the TV and making small talk that is incredibly shallow and boring. We put in an appearance and spend lots of time looking at our watchs figuring out why our four hour obligation seems like a lifetime. (There must be something wrong with our watches!!)
So how common is the family that only sees each other on Christmas and does not talk any other time of year?
So how common is the family that only sees each other on Christmas and does not talk any other time of year?
I know this part is from an older post, but I just wanted to comment because it reminds me of how things are with my mom's youngest brother, his wife, and their kids. For various reasons, they stopped attending family get-togethers over the years, so now it's only at major events that we see them. (my mom's stepmother's funeral and my cousin Elizabeth's high-school graduation being two examples)
His wife never wanted to "share" him and, without writing a book about it, suffice it to say we just never hit it off or got along. He did make an effort to be a good son to our mother, so I saw him (alone) quite a bit when she was here but, now that she's gone, we don't seem to have much of a relationship. I was actually pretty shocked at this turn of events, as I AM his only sibling, we have no relatives in the area, I have no family of my own (husband or kids), and he IS my "big brother," so you'd think he would look out for or at least keep track of me.
But no...
We always got along great as kids and adults. When we get together now, we enjoy each other's company and I believe we love each other deep down, but I think it's just easier for him this way. He's not on Facebook, but I'm "friends" with his children (no more than that) and see their photos of happy holidays spent together without me.
For the first three years, I did all the reaching out to him, but now I'm just letting it go... He's happy and content with his wife and kids in their insular world and that's all he needs, apparently. It's disappointing, but is what it is.
My sister lives five miles from me. I love her, but we talk maybe once every couple of months. Three reasons:
1) She is incredibly bossy and an instant authority on every subject, whether she knows beans about it or not. I'll give you a perfect example. One night over holiday dinner, we were all discussing the book Into Thin Air, the story about the disastrous expedition up Mt. Everest. To which she piped in, "Climbing Mt. Everest is easy. Why I could do that next week." Mind you, one person in ten dies making the attempt. But, by her way of looking at things, it's about as easy as a stroll around the block. And once she makes a pronouncement like that, no amount of facts, books, or whatever other proof will dissuade her.
2) She likes to crap on people. My wife is the CFO of a sizable company in town. She has earned her position and reputation by skillfully leading her employers through complex deals, stock swaps, reorganizations, and a host of other things. According to my sister, however, "Accounting is just addition and subtraction." Then there's the time I started my own company 25 years ago, and was told, "You just don't have what it takes to own a business." Um, I'm in business 25 years later. Or the time we had a party at our house and she insulted my wife's best friend, a woman who has always had struggles with weight. Telling someone she barely knows to put down the fork and exercise doesn't exactly extend the circle of love.
I haven't spoken to my mother in over 25 years. I've never even met her brothers (2) and sister as they cut her out of their lives since before I was born (that should give an idea as to how toxic she is). My father and I have a 'relationship' if you call it that... we speak every 5-6 months (usually only if there is something important/family related). My blood sister and I talk more frequently but my half sister and I never speak even though there is no reason other than distance.
It's an existence I have sadly just gotten used to as it's my 'normal'. Sad as I am a firm believer that family is everything. I just wish I had one! In a technical age were communication is so easy with global calling, texting, emailing etc at our fingertips, one would think that humans would be far more close with one and other.
I don't talk to my younger brother. He's an addict who doesn't think he has a problem and he's also possible suffering from a mental illness. At any rate we have NOTHING in common other than sharing parents. Our parents divorced when we were in our early teens so family life was pretty dysfunctional both before and after the divorce. I would be willing to have some sort of relationship with my brother but I'm tired of being hurt by him no showing on me or being just generally unpleasant to be around. I don't regret setting boundaries although it is sad. But I've accepted it. What really bothers me is that both my mom and dad don't seem to understand WHY I don't want him in my life. I'm not sure if they're in self denial about how crappy our childhood was or if they're just not that bright but honestly I'm tired of it. I don't really talk to my extended family either. I'm not on Facebook anymore but even when I was I always felt like the outsider and the black sheep of the family. No one ever seemed to take much of an interest in anything I was excited about or was interested in. They often wouldn't come to events for my kids that I invited them to....I'm done. I have friends whom I have more in common with. These people do care about me and I care about them! I wish things were different with my family and I hope that my kids can break the cycle!
Just because you are related doesn't mean you have to like them. However, it is priceless if you have a family standing behind you IMO.
My older sister and I are too different, we have nothing to say to each other. She's almost 50, married her high school sweetheart, lives 2 mls from my parents where we grew up. She still has the same job and work place that she got out of high school. With 2 daughters she is living the small town life, living in a bubble. Her husband does everything for her and she always goes the way of least resistance - or let's others do it for her.
Nothing wrong with it - but I am the opposite.
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