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I really want to thank everyone for their insight with this situation. I have really been struggling. It wasn't so bad when I didn't have to see her, but tonight is the first time I will have seen her in 30 yrs. We all have been invited to a pre-wedding event. I'm scared. Not that she will hurt me but of the feelings it will bring out.
I was told by my therapist that she was probably abused first and that she was most likely acting out. To see her as a flawed human being, as I am, as we all are in some way really, was recommended. But it's tough because I was hurt, and whether that hurt makes sense or not, I don't know, but I feel it's valid. I have spent my life feeling like I don't matter, like damaged goods. I've been in and out of therapy for almost 20 yrs. I've been on every medication. I've numbed myself with alcohol, medication, shopping.
My parents were useless. They let too much happen and did not protect me. I learned to protect myself, to take care of myself. I was married but could never really open up to him. I asked for a divorce the day we came back from our honeymoon. I stayed a few more years but pushed him away so much that when we divorced, all I could feel was relief. I could breath again.
I never had children because that would have been too much of a responsibility and probably a connection.
I don't connect with people. I know how to act socially, I get along at work, people seem to like me, but I am an outsider and always have been.
I know this is way more than any of you really need to know. My original question was how to deal with seeing her now. I want my nephews wedding to be nice and memorable for him & his new wife. This isn't about me now, it's about them. But I have to look at her and see my sister treating her better than she treats me. It hurts. I'm sick right now thinking of this.
TracySam, thank you for your post. You have given me alot to think about.
Thank you everyone who has been kind enough to give me advice.
I will try to find a way to work this out, maybe go back into therapy, but for tonight and this weekend, I'll just stay away from her as much as I can.
OP, why are you so concerned about running into your cousin? Are you afraid it will make you angry? Do you have fantasies of setting things straight, telling her off, demanding an apology? Why would it be so upsetting to run into her b/c you would feel like an abused child again? Or what?
I am not trying to minimize what you obviously believe was abuse but you were children and you both have gone on to grow up and live your lives. What could your cousin possibly say to you that would either upset you or make you feel better? As others have mentioned, it is very likely she herself was the victim of sexual abuse. It is not as though she can do anything to damage you at this point -- the healing is all yours to own and deal with (wh/ it sounds like you are doing).
I think you have built this up in your mind as some sort of momentous event, i.e. seeing your cousin. And calling her a "sicko" . . . I don't know. Sounds to me like she had issues possibly caused by someone else abusing her . . . and you really don't know what brought her to the moment when you had that encounter. I would think she probably has blocked it all out of her mind, as well, and tried to go on and live her life.
If you frame this as "encounter with a sicko" as opposed to "encounter with someone who was damaged" -- you are only creating more anxiety for yourself. Focus on forgiveness in the sense of realizing that although what happened had impact on your life, you have moved on and doubtless, so has she. Shouldn't you be thinking about how grateful you are that you have been able to do that? And how it may have been just as difficult for your cousin to work through whatever issues she had at 11?
I would suggest you focus on how far you have come with your own healing process and that you are hoping your cousin has done the same . . . and let it go. Attend the wedding and allow yourself to feel compassion towards the person you believe abused you -- b/c you are a whole person now and have healed that hurt child. You have no reason to feel intimidated, anxious, or even angry. If you could get to that place, seems to me it would be a big step forward towards getting forever past what happened when you were 8.
ETA: Evidently I was writing this post as you wrote your last one, so I didn't see it b/f posting this one. I hope you will be able to get through the weekend with some new awareness about how strong and capable you are! You can do this. You are not going to fall apart! I wish you the very best and hope this will be a pleasant event that you will look back on and feel good about how you navigated through your emotions and sailed on!
Look, I don't want to minimize your trauma here. I really don't. But when I read the word abuser in your thread, I was expected to read about a grown man who had molested you in your youth. That would be an easy question to answer. But I think we should consider that this was an 11-year-old girl. Perhaps she's an utterly different person today. Maybe she went too far with her childhood curiosity. For children lack judgment, and she obviously did in this situation. Maybe it's time to find out if she has changed or possibly even wants your forgiveness.
Exactly what I was thinking. Big difference if she had been 31 instead of 11. At 11, she's not even a teenager. While I'm sure she's got her issues, as everyone does, she could very well be a mature and rather well-adjusted human being.
The best thing to do is ignore it as if it never happened and just go to the wedding. Only there will you find out if this is a person you don't want to know because she hasn't changed, a person who may be actually palatable to you, or a decent person who nevertheless has left you with a scar that you haven't gotten over and for which it is acceptable that you want to want to avoid her.
Last edited by robertpolyglot; 09-14-2012 at 04:45 PM..
I really want to thank everyone for their insight with this situation. I have really been struggling. It wasn't so bad when I didn't have to see her, but tonight is the first time I will have seen her in 30 yrs. We all have been invited to a pre-wedding event. I'm scared. Not that she will hurt me but of the feelings it will bring out.
I was told by my therapist that she was probably abused first and that she was most likely acting out. To see her as a flawed human being, as I am, as we all are in some way really, was recommended. But it's tough because I was hurt, and whether that hurt makes sense or not, I don't know, but I feel it's valid. I have spent my life feeling like I don't matter, like damaged goods. I've been in and out of therapy for almost 20 yrs. I've been on every medication. I've numbed myself with alcohol, medication, shopping.
Your feelings are valid. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what drove her to hurt you...learning that she was hurt herself does not mean you have forgive, forget, or act like nothing happened. Your pain is your pain, and your first responsibility is to take care of yourself.
When you are a vulnerable child, it doesn't matter if your abuser is an old man or a young girl. The pain and damage it causes is the same. As an adult, you may find you have some sympathy for the abuser, but that doesn't mean you can't have anger, distrust, and hurt as well. That's okay.
I agree that a confrontation would solve nothing and only cause more anguish. But the idea that just because someone else was possibly damaged does not mean your own pain is any less.
I get along at work, people seem to like me, but I am an outsider and always have been.
I know this is way more than any of you really need to know. My original question was how to deal with seeing her now. I want my nephews wedding to be nice and memorable for him & his new wife. This isn't about me now, it's about them. But I have to look at her and see my sister treating her better than she treats me. It hurts. I'm sick right now thinking of this.
but for tonight and this weekend, I'll just stay away from her as much as I can.
By now you are enmeshed in the festivities and you won't see this until it's over. You are not alone in how you are dealing with things. Even knowing that your abuser was also a victim, doesn't change how you feel or who you blame. There's plenty to go around - to the abuser - to those who should have protected you - and who should have protected your abuser even; and on and on.
But now you are an adult and you do need to learn how to move on - victim to survivor to thriver. It takes a lot of work and even some backstepping. You are already a survivor, you are here. I am of the belief you can't move on until you unblock and relive - become that little girl victim once again. To know you really were a victim and not, "but I could have done, told, screamed" or whatever your personal self-blame is.
Do not attempt to do this work alone. Find a therapist who deals with sexual assault - interview him/her. I like Gestalt therapists for this phase - it's wonderful for working out the feelings you still have inside of you. At some point, you can take the memories, turn them into pictures, put the pictures in a box, put the box on the top closet shelf, and shut the door. It's all still there, but you don't need to carry it around with you anymore. You can move on and rebuild.
You are not alone. Many of us, men and women, have dealt with these issues successfully. Your feelings are real and your memory of the situation is what it was for you, whether it was one time or many. But you are here, surviving. There's a lot of support out in the world and knowing you are not alone is part of that support. Reach out. We'll offer a hand.
Given that the cousin hasn't acknowldged the abuse or apologized for it and she chosen to become close to luckygirl's sister, I don't think this is someone who is a good person for luckgirl to be around. I don't think the cousin underwent some sort of magical transformation where she's a kind, caring person. I think luckygirl's instincts to avoid her as much as possible are good ones
I agree with Missingatlanta. You need to put this into perspective. An 11 year old child sexually abused another child. Children don't abuse other children sexually unless they have been abused, usually by an adult. Normal childhood sexual curiosity or sex-play isn't necessarily related to sexual abuse, but you say that what she did to you was actual abuse, and I believe you. But in order for a child to commit such abuse, it had to come from somewhere; it does not just arise in a vacuum.
Yes, it hurt you. Yes you had long lasting effects. Because the cousin was also a child,it doesn't take away from what you went through, but it doesn't make her a sicko or a monster. Of course, she might be, we don't know, but that's only a slim chance. But I go with the odds, and it's most likely, she is a woman who, like you, has experienced sexual abuse in childhood and had to live with that affecting her for many years. On top of the trauma of being abused, she might also be dealing with life-long shame and guilt about what she in turn did to you.
Think about it: if you had an 11 year old daughter, and you just learned that your child did this to a younger child, would you be more likely to decide your daughter is a sicko and bad, or would you be more likely to think that your child had been sexually abused and has been living in pain and agony, and that this was a cry for help? Caring for and understanding your daughter would not necessarily take away from what the other little girl experienced, and you would probably want that little girl to get treatment and support. But you would also want your daughter to have that caring, treatment, and support.
I see you and your cousin as two child victims/survivors of sexual abuse by the same adult, whoever that was. Your experience was "collateral damage" and that doesn't minimize it at all. Whoever abused her is also guilty of the abuse you suffered.
I provided therapy to adults, many of whome were survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Several of the women also admitted in therapy to also having acted out against younger sisters, cousins, and playmates when they were still kids. As adult women many years later they felt intense shame and guilt about this, and often it seemed that the anguish about their own actions was as bad as or even worse than their anguish about their own abuse. I developed a great amount of empathy for people who have gone through that. I know that the people they acted out against were traumatized, but I'm sure it was nowhere near as much as my clients had been traumatized, since knowing you've hurt someone else multiplies your pain. It might be hard to understand, but this kind of acting out by a child who has been abused is not really voluntary, planned, intentional behavior. They are unconsciously acting out what happened to them in an attempt to get power over it and survive. Unfortunately, they hurt others without meaning to. nowadays, kids are encouraged all the time to report sexual abuse, and it has helped, some. But many kids hold it in and keep the secret, and acting out like this is often then only way they finally get help.
You might never be able to empathize with your cousin, but at the very least, try to look at it from this outsider's perspective, and at least see her as more of a human being. Believe it or not, getting to that point willl also have a positive effect on YOU as well.
This is the best understanding and advice. OP if you are in therapy discuss your concerns...or seek a counselor and reopen a dialogue to discuss and vent about your feelings. You have a right to your feelings, no one is discounting them...But read what the above poster has written....$0 years ago there wasn't help readily available, nor understanding or talk shows to watch....folks lived through many situations that send people to therapy today. Get the help you need to get over, or at least understand what, why and how to recover. Your healing doesn't necessarily have to involve your cousin. You are the one in pain. Good luck to you.
I just cannot agree with this advice. Counter to the Jerry Springer Show or The View, there are some things simply cannot be solved by talking it out. What evidence does the OP have that the cousin is continuing in this behavior? Or, more to the point, does she remember the encounter in the same way? Will she just give the OP a blank stare and say, "What in God's name are you babbling about?" What's more, your sister's wedding would be the entirely the wrong forum for it to take place. Let's just destroy a happy day for everyone shall we? That would be the height of selfishness.
If she did, I bet you dollars to doughnuts that an ugly scene develops, the OP will get blamed for creating an incident at the sister's wedding, further ostracism occurs, old wounds are reopened, fresh wounds are created, and the OP feels even worse that she did before. Since this was DECADES ago, and the OP cannot deal with her, avoid her at the wedding and be done with it.
I have to agree with every word here, so please count mine as another voice giving the this advice.
I developed a great amount of empathy for people who have gone through that. I know that the people they acted out against were traumatized, but I'm sure it was nowhere near as much as my clients had been traumatized, since knowing you've hurt someone else multiplies your pain.
I agree with some of which you wrote, but not this. Never this.
Personal pain is personal pain. It doesn't compare. There is no scale on which the victim's pain rates lower simply because the abuser herself feels guilt.
If I break my arm and someone else breaks their arm and their leg, it doesn't make my pain less and her pain greater. It makes my pain mine and her pain hers.
There are many, many people who are abused who never abuse others. I'm not saying the cousin was a monster. IF she was abused (and I do not believe that ALL children who abuse were abused- there are children with mental illness and damage beyond anyone's control), she was likely scared, confused, attempting to process, and unaware of the full impact of her actions.
None of which is the OP's problem. Telling her that her trauma is less than her abuser's is entirely inappropriate.
I agree with Missingatlanta. You need to put this into perspective. An 11 year old child sexually abused another child. Children don't abuse other children sexually unless they have been abused, usually by an adult. Normal childhood sexual curiosity or sex-play isn't necessarily related to sexual abuse, but you say that what she did to you was actual abuse, and I believe you. But in order for a child to commit such abuse, it had to come from somewhere; it does not just arise in a vacuum.
Yes, it hurt you. Yes you had long lasting effects. Because the cousin was also a child,it doesn't take away from what you went through, but it doesn't make her a sicko or a monster. Of course, she might be, we don't know, but that's only a slim chance. But I go with the odds, and it's most likely, she is a woman who, like you, has experienced sexual abuse in childhood and had to live with that affecting her for many years. On top of the trauma of being abused, she might also be dealing with life-long shame and guilt about what she in turn did to you.
Think about it: if you had an 11 year old daughter, and you just learned that your child did this to a younger child, would you be more likely to decide your daughter is a sicko and bad, or would you be more likely to think that your child had been sexually abused and has been living in pain and agony, and that this was a cry for help? Caring for and understanding your daughter would not necessarily take away from what the other little girl experienced, and you would probably want that little girl to get treatment and support. But you would also want your daughter to have that caring, treatment, and support.
I see you and your cousin as two child victims/survivors of sexual abuse by the same adult, whoever that was. Your experience was "collateral damage" and that doesn't minimize it at all. Whoever abused her is also guilty of the abuse you suffered.
I provided therapy to adults, many of whome were survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Several of the women also admitted in therapy to also having acted out against younger sisters, cousins, and playmates when they were still kids. As adult women many years later they felt intense shame and guilt about this, and often it seemed that the anguish about their own actions was as bad as or even worse than their anguish about their own abuse. I developed a great amount of empathy for people who have gone through that. I know that the people they acted out against were traumatized, but I'm sure it was nowhere near as much as my clients had been traumatized, since knowing you've hurt someone else multiplies your pain. It might be hard to understand, but this kind of acting out by a child who has been abused is not really voluntary, planned, intentional behavior. They are unconsciously acting out what happened to them in an attempt to get power over it and survive. Unfortunately, they hurt others without meaning to. nowadays, kids are encouraged all the time to report sexual abuse, and it has helped, some. But many kids hold it in and keep the secret, and acting out like this is often then only way they finally get help.
You might never be able to empathize with your cousin, but at the very least, try to look at it from this outsider's perspective, and at least see her as more of a human being. Believe it or not, getting to that point willl also have a positive effect on YOU as well.
I agree with this 100%. The damage is very real for you, luckygirl, no matter what explanations are available, you were victimized and it is obviously still very difficult for you. I hope you can find a way to work through it.
At the same time, I cannot ignore the fact that this person was 11 years old at the time, only two years older than you and still a child herself. It is hard for me to see her as a predator even though what she did was predatory. I imagine she does remember and is ashamed. It's been many, many years. There is no telling what she has had to deal with as the result of what she did and what made her do it to begin with.
I think the best way to deal with anger is to really examine what happened and take as much into consideration as you can. I know it is difficult to be step outside of your own feelings when something like this happens, but an understanding of why some things happen goes a long way in helping one heal.
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