Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Let's take this out of the sexual abuse context. If an 11 year old breaks your leg with a crowbar, is it really going to matter to you as far as the pain, both emotional and physical goes, that the kid's only 11 and that the kid's leg was broken with a crowbar by someone else?
Sure, for the most part, the law treats crimes by 11 year olds differently than crimes committed by adults. And for the most part, I agree with that. But luckygirl isn't calling for criminal charges against her cousin. She's describing how she feels about the abuse, the abuser and having to be face to face with the abuser for the first time since she started to come to terms with the abuse.
She seems to be looking for a healthy balance between protecting herself and being there for her sister's child who is getting married. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to protect herself from someone who abused her in the past. If the cousin is so ashamed and remorseful, why hasn't she at least apologized?
Also, it may have "only" been a 2 year age difference, but physically & developmentally 9 year olds tend to be children. At 11, children are usually at least starting some aspects of puberty and girls tend to do so earlier. At 11, I had already had most of my height growth. I was only an inch shorter than I am now. So, it's likely that an 11 year old girl is going to be substantially stronger than a 9 year old girl. Plus the emotional difference of those ages.
Last edited by exscapegoat; 09-15-2012 at 08:22 AM..
I agree with some of which you wrote, but not this. Never this.
Personal pain is personal pain. It doesn't compare. There is no scale on which the victim's pain rates lower simply because the abuser herself feels guilt.
If I break my arm and someone else breaks their arm and their leg, it doesn't make my pain less and her pain greater. It makes my pain mine and her pain hers.
There are many, many people who are abused who never abuse others. I'm not saying the cousin was a monster. IF she was abused (and I do not believe that ALL children who abuse were abused- there are children with mental illness and damage beyond anyone's control), she was likely scared, confused, attempting to process, and unaware of the full impact of her actions.
None of which is the OP's problem. Telling her that her trauma is less than her abuser's is entirely inappropriate.
You're right, and I should have worded that sentence better. What I meant was they they both had the pain of being abused, but the cousin has that pain, in addition to the pain of knowing she also hurt someone else. For the cousin, pain 1 + pain 2 does not necessarily = more severe pain, just two difference kinds of pain added together.
Also, not all children who are abused go on to abuse others. Some manage to recognize it's wrong and not do it. So I think it's a bit simplistic to say luckygirl's cousin only abused because she herself was abused. I'm sure many of the people defending the cousin here would be disgusted to hear a rapist or murderer use the abuse excuse of how they were abused as children to excuse their violent actions as either children or adults.
I went to the wedding, which was beautiful, and I'm glad I did. Last night was about my nephew, his new wife, and seeing my sister and her husband happy and having a good time, was really delightful.
I did see my cousin, who walked up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and then hugged me. She had a huge smile. I kept thinking "doesn't she remember? has she blocked it out?". We had some small talk, and I didn't feel scared, ashamed, violated, or any less of a human being.
I truly don't know if she remembers or not. Maybe she has blocked it out, maybe she has been to therapy and worked it out, maybe she has been busy raising a family, working, that she never thought about it again. I can't control her feelings about it.
Perhaps like many of you have mentioned, she had to learn the sex abuse somewhere, and she was actiing out. I never wanted to bring charges against her. This wasn't a criminal act and I know that.
For me, I always felt vulnerable and scared of what others would do to me. I never felt protected or watched over. No one ever stood up for me. I was the throw away child. The fault, maybe 50% lies with my parents. They didn't protect me.
Seeing the brides father give such a beautiful speech to his daughter on her wedding day, was enlightening. I don't think I've ever seen such a tender and lovely speech given at a wedding. It was from the heart, father to daughter. He thanked her for all the time he and his wife had when she was growing up. She was valued. She was encouraged, guided, loved and protected. They planted the seed and nutured a mature, smart, funny, and caring person.
When I meet healthy people like her, usually I get mad and a bit jealous. But last night I just let it be and accepted the unfairness of life and how things have happened. I can't control the past, I can't change what happened to me, but I can be that much stronger so that nobody will abuse me again. I feel like I have deepened my senses about people who are treated unfairly by life. I understand them better than if this had never happened to me. Maybe I can help someone else in their time of need and not just be a shoulder to cry but someone who truly understands what they are feeling and can guide them to the other side. Show them that what they are feeling valid and that they DO matter.
I've been thinking about everything so much lately. It wasn't just an 11 yr old girl abusing a 9 yr old. It was years of neglect and being pushed aside like I didn't matter. I probably could have handled things better, especially later in life, but I didn't.
So many of you wrote such wonderful advice and thoughts on this matter. So many different ways of seeing this. I appreciate all the answers and words of wisdom. Thank you, thank you, thank you...
I went to the wedding, which was beautiful, and I'm glad I did. Last night was about my nephew, his new wife, and seeing my sister and her husband happy and having a good time, was really delightful.
I did see my cousin, who walked up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and then hugged me. She had a huge smile. I kept thinking "doesn't she remember? has she blocked it out?". We had some small talk, and I didn't feel scared, ashamed, violated, or any less of a human being. seeing this. ...
Sounds like a lovely day for you.
I started reading, and disagreeing with much of what was being said in later postings.
My feeling was that if "this woman" (you) just goes to the wedding for the wedding, which is what the day is all about...it will all go just exactly as you describe it above.
Look, I don't want to minimize your trauma here. I really don't. But when I read the word abuser in your thread, I was expected to read about a grown man who had molested you in your youth. That would be an easy question to answer. But I think we should consider that this was an 11-year-old girl. Perhaps she's an utterly different person today. Maybe she went too far with her childhood curiosity. For children lack judgment, and she obviously did in this situation. Maybe it's time to find out if she has changed or possibly even wants your forgiveness.
I agree. She was 11, not 16-17yr old. Big difference. Harboring such resentment which appears to come from your therapists more Than from your own reactions seems extreme. You are an adult, empowered to make your life how you want it to be. You don't want to see her, you are not close to you sister then why go to the wedding or any other family function while the cousin is here? You are putting drama where there is none. Have you thought that maybe she was reacting & doing what was taught to her? She may have been an unfortunate recipient herself. (btw, I was molested three times, three different people, never told anyone, two of them are active in my life & not the same KIDS they were. I do not let it affect or control me, very non issue for me).
I went to the wedding, which was beautiful, and I'm glad I did. Last night was about my nephew, his new wife, and seeing my sister and her husband happy and having a good time, was really delightful.
I did see my cousin, who walked up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and then hugged me. She had a huge smile. I kept thinking "doesn't she remember? has she blocked it out?". We had some small talk, and I didn't feel scared, ashamed, violated, or any less of a human being.
I truly don't know if she remembers or not. Maybe she has blocked it out, maybe she has been to therapy and worked it out, maybe she has been busy raising a family, working, that she never thought about it again. I can't control her feelings about it.
Perhaps like many of you have mentioned, she had to learn the sex abuse somewhere, and she was actiing out. I never wanted to bring charges against her. This wasn't a criminal act and I know that.
For me, I always felt vulnerable and scared of what others would do to me. I never felt protected or watched over. No one ever stood up for me. I was the throw away child. The fault, maybe 50% lies with my parents. They didn't protect me.
Seeing the brides father give such a beautiful speech to his daughter on her wedding day, was enlightening. I don't think I've ever seen such a tender and lovely speech given at a wedding. It was from the heart, father to daughter. He thanked her for all the time he and his wife had when she was growing up. She was valued. She was encouraged, guided, loved and protected. They planted the seed and nutured a mature, smart, funny, and caring person.
When I meet healthy people like her, usually I get mad and a bit jealous. But last night I just let it be and accepted the unfairness of life and how things have happened. I can't control the past, I can't change what happened to me, but I can be that much stronger so that nobody will abuse me again. I feel like I have deepened my senses about people who are treated unfairly by life. I understand them better than if this had never happened to me. Maybe I can help someone else in their time of need and not just be a shoulder to cry but someone who truly understands what they are feeling and can guide them to the other side. Show them that what they are feeling valid and that they DO matter.
I've been thinking about everything so much lately. It wasn't just an 11 yr old girl abusing a 9 yr old. It was years of neglect and being pushed aside like I didn't matter. I probably could have handled things better, especially later in life, but I didn't.
So many of you wrote such wonderful advice and thoughts on this matter. So many different ways of seeing this. I appreciate all the answers and words of wisdom. Thank you, thank you, thank you...
I came back to see if you had posted as to how things went, and I got teary eyed reading your post!
I am so so very glad you went to the wedding and it seems it helped you put some things in perspective. I was especially touched when you referred to your position in your family of origin as the "throw away" child.
I also thought it was beautiful that you could participate in everything - including the father of the bride's words about his daughter - and take joy in it, rather than feeling jealous or left out.
Seems to me you are moving forward and putting things in place. I so admire that. Sending big hugs and hopes for new blessings daily on your journey.
I came back to see if you had posted as to how things went, and I got teary eyed reading your post!
I am so so very glad you went to the wedding and it seems it helped you put some things in perspective. I was especially touched when you referred to your position in your family of origin as the "throw away" child.
I also thought it was beautiful that you could participate in everything - including the father of the bride's words about his daughter - and take joy in it, rather than feeling jealous or left out.
Seems to me you are moving forward and putting things in place. I so admire that. Sending big hugs and hopes for new blessings daily on your journey.
Thank you Anifani! Thanks for all your support!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
