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As much as it pains me to say this, don't rely on your Mom or fam for support here. When you turn to folks like this for support it usually makes you feel worse - because they really don't give a rat's butt about you, only about themselves and their own needs. I qualify here to talk about this because I have cousins like this... and how they treated me when my Mom passed was beyond selfish and uncaring, but that is how they always were (my hubby pointed that out to me!).
Limit your contact with these negative downer folks, find your strength from within (or God if you are a believer) and your friends. These N people are very very toxic and can take you from being a self confident pretty much ok person, down to a crying sniveling person with no self esteem. Again, I know. Keep your guard up! Put yourself first, and find some friends to stand with you.
Not only don't they not care, they're so sick, they put themselves up by bringing other people down. They will delight in your misfortunes. They will delight in blaming them on you to make themselves feel better. You may have already noticed. Do they get a satisfied smirk on their face? Can you hear the glee in their voice? That is how twisted they are.
Limiting contact with them and cultivating friendships with supportive people is the way to go. They don't have to be related to be family. And being related doesn't necessarily make them family.
If you can run but you cant hide from your narcisistic family then run, dont walk, to the nearest NON narcisist and pray they have strong shoulders for you to weep upon.
Chances are, they too have had a run in somewhere in their life and you can hold each other up.
You will know them when you chat them up ,as they will recognize you too as a survivor of a narcisist and a bond will form between you of help and hope.
This is what has helped me, over and over again. And I have helped others. A great feeling to come out of the uckys you get from dealing with the narcissist.
If you are lucky enough to realize what you are up against with this type of family member you are truly one of the lucky ones- the big step in all recovery is holding yourself accountable/taking responsibility. and as a family member of narcisists like any other family trait you too are suseceptible to those traits . Remember it is a daily effort not to succumbe -so feel good that you are an "outsider" !
Seriously, my husband still swears I must be adopted !
So in the end, humor works for us. We are able to predict with knowing giggles the outcome of constant controversy, spinning, blame game, manipulating, and we enjoy the fireworks and hope the fruits of our efforts in the end will help all the family as we push back when the line has been crossed.
Good advice, but when one grows up with toxic parents, it sometimes takes awhile to figure out that they are toxic. It's even worse if there are other extended family members who are toxic. It can take longer to figure out because the toxic seems to be normal
gosh your thread sounds like a Lifetime movie. I am very sorry to read this.
I have a mother who I had to remove from my life. Yes I feel bad but I gave her many chances and This is final. By letting someone mentally, verbally, physically abuse you and allowing it to continue you. You are the enabler and they don't stop and think what they are doing is Ok. I have heard from the rest of the family my mom has abused them but they put up with it because she is 77 and been doing it since she is a young'in. Well they are enablers and they should have done something along time ago if they saw she was harming her self and family with verbal and mental violence.
I have to respect myself and walk away from ANYONE that includes family that doe not respect me and try to harm my life.
PS my sister who is almost 60 allows and puts up with it citing she prayers for my mom to stop she has gotten worse...... not to sound funny but my mom needs a exorcism
There's a streak of narcissism in my family. A couple of them are likely full-on sociopaths. I cut the sociopaths out of my life and I'm not sure how I could maintain contact with them.
With my father (a diagnosed narcissist), I just don't rise to the bait. I've set my boundaries and I only engage with him if he respects those boundaries. He knows the rules.
Certain phrases I find useful:
"Wow" (whenever lines are crossed)
"I'm sorry you feel that way." (whenever a rant is occurring)
"I'm sorry I can't help you." (a variation of the above)
Neutral comments are great. Have a stash of them at your disposal.
I'm sorry your relatives are so toxic
I'd really like to know how you had your father diagnosed as a narcissist. I strongly suspect my father, older sister and brother have strong narcissist tendencies (less so my brother) but I have no clue how to get any of them into therapy. I know my family is highly dysfunctional but I am the youngest so no one in the family listens to me when I say the family needs therapy. My sister talks to me like I'm a servant, "borrows" thousands of dollars and doesn't pay it back on time and I could kick myself for blowing up at her today because she talked to me like crap in front of a guest tonight. I wish I had more composure to use those neutral statements but I don't have any rules of engagement to back me up. I just feel totally abused.
Pear Martini, your post reads like I felt 8ish years ago. I'm turning 30, and chose to live with my Dad after my parents' divorce, so I have more distance than you and can keep her out of my life.
My mother was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality in her teens, and is also clinically depressed, as well as suffers from chronic lupus. She is simply a mess. She cannot manage money, cannot follow through, has never held a job for more than a year (terminations and criminal charges have been involved,) and loses her mind when criticized in any way. The last time I saw her in person was when I attempted to stay with her and her new husband for a few days to allow her to meet my daughter; I ended up in my rental car on the way back to the airport after less than 24 hours.
She did nothing but trash my father and grandmother to me as I grew up. I thought my father was an alcoholic *sshole and my grandmother a demon possessed, money grubbing *****. Can you imagine telling your child this crap?! In my late teens to early twenties I realized that she was just nasty, mentally unstable and toxic, and that my father and grandmother were pretty great people.
So no day to day specifics, as I choose to live 2,000 miles away from her. My next issue will be in about 20 years, when she will no longer be able keep any kind of roof over her head and will need caretaking. What will I do? I don't know.
Pear Martini, your post reads like I felt 8ish years ago. I'm turning 30, and chose to live with my Dad after my parents' divorce, so I have more distance than you and can keep her out of my life.
My mother was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality in her teens, and is also clinically depressed, as well as suffers from chronic lupus. She is simply a mess. She cannot manage money, cannot follow through, has never held a job for more than a year (terminations and criminal charges have been involved,) and loses her mind when criticized in any way. The last time I saw her in person was when I attempted to stay with her and her new husband for a few days to allow her to meet my daughter; I ended up in my rental car on the way back to the airport after less than 24 hours.
She did nothing but trash my father and grandmother to me as I grew up. I thought my father was an alcoholic *sshole and my grandmother a demon possessed, money grubbing *****. Can you imagine telling your child this crap?! In my late teens to early twenties I realized that she was just nasty, mentally unstable and toxic, and that my father and grandmother were pretty great people.
So no day to day specifics, as I choose to live 2,000 miles away from her. My next issue will be in about 20 years, when she will no longer be able keep any kind of roof over her head and will need caretaking. What will I do? I don't know.
It won't take 20 years for her to get to that point and you had better decide now what you are going to do. I've already told mine she is going to a home and will not be living with me and told my brother who lives with her that he had better grow up and get a job so he has a place to live after she has crossed over and will no longer be supporting him.
The big problem is when you run from a group of narcissists to another group who slowly defend the narcissists who caused you harm. You find yourself in shock that another group of seemingly normal people could defend narcissistic abuse. When you run back to your narcissistic family for help they state hatefully: "See we told you that this is how everybody is (narcissistic). You expect too much from people. Lower your standards and expect abuse and passive-aggression."
I believe my Aunt has malignant narcissism. I wrote a post about her recently.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CHATTY CATHY
If you can run but you cant hide from your narcisistic family then run, dont walk, to the nearest NON narcisist and pray they have strong shoulders for you to weep upon.
Chances are, they too have had a run in somewhere in their life and you can hold each other up.
You will know them when you chat them up ,as they will recognize you too as a survivor of a narcisist and a bond will form between you of help and hope.
This is what has helped me, over and over again. And I have helped others. A great feeling to come out of the uckys you get from dealing with the narcissist.
If you are lucky enough to realize what you are up against with this type of family member you are truly one of the lucky ones- the big step in all recovery is holding yourself accountable/taking responsibility. and as a family member of narcisists like any other family trait you too are suseceptible to those traits . Remember it is a daily effort not to succumbe -so feel good that you are an "outsider" !
Seriously, my husband still swears I must be adopted !
So in the end, humor works for us. We are able to predict with knowing giggles the outcome of constant controversy, spinning, blame game, manipulating, and we enjoy the fireworks and hope the fruits of our efforts in the end will help all the family as we push back when the line has been crossed.
Both of my parents were Narcissists. My father is still living and if anything, he's gotten worse. Had my mother lived longer, I predict that she too would have gotten worse.
As a young child they were fine, and I have fond memories of childhood. One I became a teenager, I started to feel rejected anytime I had an opinion or made a purchase of an article of clothes that they were not in love with, it was as though I was a truly horrible, wrong, and bad person. The only way to please them was to constantly flatter them - to be a member of their fan club. I was not a good member. One of my sisters was quite good at it. The other is also a malignant narcissist. They like that last one the best.
She's a horrible mother and three out of her four children either do not speak to her or keep very healthy distances.
When I was choosing a college, my mother was obsessed that I attend her alma mater. A Sisters School. It had just begun accepting men five years before and I was not interested in attending a predominantly female college.
She manipulated, sulked and attempted to control and guilt me into going to this college.
She actually filled out the application for me! I wasn't a person to her, i was a narcissistic extension of her need to be forever young and forever in the spotlight. Some how, I wo and I went to a different college.
But I had to pay for it. She found a reason not to go with my father to take me to college freshman year. And every year after. In fact, she never visited the college once the whole time I attended.
My father is disinterested in his grandchildren and does not enjoy hearing about what they are doing or what I am doing. He only wants to talk about himself and his son with his second wife. Oddly, he is not thrilled with him either. He does like to tell me quite a bit about his in laws -he's enamored with these people.
He is also enamored with his second wife who worships the ground he walks on while taking his money. He doesn't notice though. She is good at what she does and he dearly loves being worshiped.
These people give me chills. I think they are evil. Yes evil. There was a book written about 20 years ago by the late M.Scott Peck MD called "People of the Lie". If you have a malignant narcissist in your life, or did, this book will resonate for you.
Thanks everyone for the stories and support. It does help to know other people have had to live with N parents and have come out sane on the other side.
My dog is fine now. I'll be taking him in to the vet one more time to make sure everything is normal with him but he is back in my home and sweet as ever.
Sheena: I'll have to look into the book. It's funny because my mother didn't pay for any of my schooling when I had to go to a community college and she always made me feel bad about being at a community college but that was what I could afford at the time, as a 19 year old waitress
I got a full-ride (housing not included) scholarship at her alma mater (sort of, she never finished there but she still calls it her alma matter) and she is actually paying for my living expenses so I can study here.
It is very unlike her and very surreal, but whatever gets me through school at this point.
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find your strength from within (or God if you are a believer) and your friends. These N people are very very toxic and can take you from being a self confident pretty much ok person, down to a crying sniveling person with no self esteem. Again, I know. Keep your guard up! Put yourself first, and find some friends to stand with you.
