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I wrote him a letter sort of brinigning him up-to-date, offered to buy him a beer at this new brew-pub co-op I belong to, when it opens, told him about my grief counselling, said I knew we've dont have much contact, but that I really appreciated his being there for me when my parter passed, and my door is always open for him.
Sounds like you've done everything that you could (or should). It really might just be too painful for him to see you, or maybe your partner was the "glue" that held the 3 of you together in the friendship...
Sending a short letter was the best move at this point. If he doesn't respond, try to remember that people react differently to loss and his way of coping might be to distance himself. Don't take it personally.
One is that he just isn't interested in continuing the friendship.
But the other is that communications have become so fragmented as a result of different emails, electronic social networks, and everyone having 15 phone numbers, that it's hard to keep in touch with some people.
I think his responding was being a friend to you. He just isn't an available friend
...this is a good way of looking at the relationship.
This, too, might have some play into the situation:
Quote:
But the other is that communications have become so fragmented as a result of different emails, electronic social networks, and everyone having 15 phone numbers, that it's hard to keep in touch with some people.
He has or had a tendancy to short-notice communications via is cell or smartphone...that seemed to be his preferred way to communicate.
Be that as it may, some good thoughts here. The distinction between friend and available freind was an interesting one, I thought. An interesting way of looking at the situation.
I think this guy was there for you when you lost your partner and he felt bad for you. Once he felt you getting back on your feet he tried to back off. My guess is that he is telling you by his lack of contact that he is done with the friendship and moving on with his life. When I want to end a friendship I do not want to have some big drawn out emotional goodbye and be forced to tell the person why I am back away, I just stop talking and responding to them. Many people feel uncomfortable with getting together only to delve into why they don't want to be your friend anymore. I think he has given you ample time and reason for you to know that he has moved on.
Last edited by brokencrayola; 06-10-2013 at 05:27 AM..
Reason: sp
Haha....guess what....my becoming-distant friend actually called me in reply to that letter! Asked about my father, etc. Brief conversation, civil, he is having a busy month... so lines of communication are somewhat open. I'll just let it play out. No worries, no pressure. I have closure.
Well...guess what....it's almost been a year and get a phone call, actually two, from this guy.
I wasn't going to return them, but....
.....was thinking about this some more. Thinking that I shouldn't be a big ***** and actually return my phonecalls vs screening them.
So I called him back. Turns out he has finished his online training, is starting to look for work, and is already looking at apartments here in Dayton online.
It seems he is planning on relocating to Dayton in about three or more months, after he lands a job, and will returing here via Greyhound.
Interestingly he didn't ask if he could crash at my place. And I didn't offer.
But I think I will.
In fact I might use this as reason for a road trip back east again, and take him back with me instead of having him ride the dog.
Why am I doing this? Well...been thinking of my late partner, and what he would have done. My partner would have been generous. When someone reached out he would have offered his hand.
Yes I know this is contrary to the advice I've recieved here, and contrary to my first opinions on this. But after calling him, after re-establishing contact, after hanging up, I felt my partners presence, felt good about this, that my partner was saying "yes, you did the right thing".
I am pretty rational and not a believer in the supernatural, but I could feel in my heart this course was what my partner would have wanted...felt that assurance.
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