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The other day I told a "well-meaning" friend that I wasn't trying to be a "troublemaker." (Because I didn't take her advice.)...I asked her why she had a need to "play mother" to me... Her need to step-in and "fix others" seems like codependency to me...In her "equation" she is always the one "on top." (In a "superior" position.) And all the people she "helps" are in the "down position."...No one wants to be viewed as a "stupid child." Or tagged a "troublemaker."...My friend has some "issues" she could be working-on in her own life too. I don't bring them-up because I don't feel like her life is "my business." And to be honest my life isn't "her business" either...I think it's important to respect other peoples' boundaries and "ways."...If someone asks us for advice this is one thing. But offering unsolicited advice or trying to "mother" or "smother" someone who hasn't asked for advice is "something else." (Codependency?)..How do you feel about it? Thanks.
Having been an only child all my life, CA, it wouldn't bother me to just drop her from my social calendar. One less friend who annoys me isn't going to shatter my world. I've become very intolerant of people trying to tell me what to do/feel now. I just won't put up with it but that's just me.
Little more...When we're going through grief we're in a "vulnerable" state. This is how I feel anyway...And we may seem "lost" or "messed-up" (at times) to people who aren't going through grief..."Well-meaning" friends may step-in and try to "fix us." And their motives and intentions are "sincere" and "honorable."...But how do they handle it if we don't take their advice? Or suggestions? Do they get mad? And "blame us" for not being a "good patient?"..Do they take the time to "hear us out?" And listen to our feelings? Or look at our "side?"...Or do they act like we're a "troublemaker" or "problem child" because we don't follow their advice?
Tami...Thanks for posting. I'm an only child too...All of this recent "friend stuff" is new to me because I've been mostly a loner all my life. (With just a few select friends on the sidelines.)
Little more...When we're going through grief we're in a "vulnerable" state. This is how I feel anyway...And we may seem "lost" or "messed-up" (at times) to people who aren't going through grief..."Well-meaning" friends may step-in and try to "fix us." And their motives and intentions are "sincere" and "honorable."...But how do they handle it if we don't take their advice? Or suggestions? Do they get mad? And "blame us" for not being a "good patient?"..Do they take the time to "hear us out?" And listen to our feelings? Or look at our "side?"...Or do they act like we're a "troublemaker" or "problem child" because we don't follow their advice?
Who cares? Do you, CA? I sure as hell don't. If you do, why do you? Just askin' and not being b*tchy.
I have had friends like this in the past. With one, I hung on to the relationship waaaaay too long (as in two decades too long!) I knew she was capable of giving good advice, but the thing is . . . if I didn't follow it, she made me feel I was a lost cause. In every situation, I had not asked for her advice, but I listened to it. I always listen to sincerely offered advice, as getting different perspectives is a good thing!
However, the attitude she would take when I didn't follow her advice to the letter made me feel that she had overstepped boundaries by taking ownership of my situation to the degree she had (when I had never ASKED for her advice) . . .Plus, at some point, it made me angry. And here's the thing . . . I never screwed up the decisions I made on my own, lol. I was very pleased with the outcome. What did upset me was being treated like an idiot b/c I didn't follow the woman's advice.
I solved the issue by completely cutting off communication.
Now that I am older, I am very good at ignoring phone calls and I can be very cool and even abrupt if someone is crossing a line with me in re: to my own business. I woke up one morning and thought . . . why am I allowing this person to make me feel so oppressed and even APOLOGETIC when she has no stake in my life, she is not someone whose advice I sought out . . . she is, essentially, an emotional bully who likes to create drama so she doesn't have to focus on her OWN LIFE.
anifani...Thanks for sharing your situations with your friends. (And how you dealt with all of it.)...I agree. Some people can really become "emotional bullies." And other people just get in the "help mode" once in awhile...I'm not really use to this "stuff" anymore. Just trying to understand what motivates people to jump-in and offer unsolicited advice.
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