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I'm a black man (22-years-old) and I was adopted by white parents when I was a baby.
I love my mum and dad. They're fantastic parents and have always been there for me. My father always makes me laugh with his silly, childish jokes and my mum is always a source of comfort. However recently, I've started becoming distant from my family because I'm starting to feel like I don't belong because of my skin colour. I guess these feelings have everything to do with entering the "real world."
Where I grew up, I was almost always the only black person present. It was a very white middle/upper class neighbourhood. I never felt out of place, though. I was so accustomed to being around whites due to being raised by a white family, as a child, the fact that my skin colour was different to all the people around me never crossed my mind. I was the only black person present from primary to secondary school. Everyone else was white. All my childhood best friends are white and every single girl I've been out with has been white.
Like I already mentioned - as a kid being the only black person in my family or in my group of friends never played on my mind. However, things changed when I was 18 and I went to university. Leaving home really stressed the notion that I'd been living in a sheltered bubble as a kid. I guess you could say I was extremely naive. Although I was aware of "race," it was something that never really entered the forefront of my mind because it was something that, despite my circumstances, I was never really exposed to. The only time I can remember it coming up in a serious way was when I was 16 and was playing football for my school - an opposition player called me the n word because I tackled him hard; my childhood best friend punched him and a huge brawl commenced between my team and the opposition.
One of the first things that emphasized the "colour barrier" was when I was I was working as barman part-time while studying for my degree. My co-workers, in a playful and non-malicious manner, would always say that I don't act "black." They said I acted white. The reason? Because of the way I speak (I come from a stereotypical countryside town in Southern England) and because my musical tastes aren't limited to hip-hop. Now that didn't really bother me - in fact one of my housemates was the complete opposite. People would say she acted black (she was white) because she loved to listen to reggae, garage, drum and bass, RnB, funk, soul and other musical genres that were pioneered by black musicians. We'd actually have a laugh about it. Like I said that kind of teasing didn't bother me because it wasn't malicious in any way, but I guess in a way it planted the seed.
One of the first things that did bother me, however, was when my old mates from back home and my ex-girlfriend (all white) came to visit me at uni and stayed over for the weekend. We were on our way to a nightclub and a group of black guys from the same university called me a "sellout" and a "choc ice" cause all the people around me were white. It really infuriated me. I know I should've known better and to ignore them but it really got to me. More incidents in similar vain continued throughout my time in the real world. I and my ex were once castigated by some old white man on a train because of "racemixing." I was deemed a traitor because my parents were white, my cousin told me that "I'm not one of them" and I was racially profiled by the police in what was a terrifying experience (my parents want to sue on the very latter but I just want to leave it be).
There were other incidents that stressed the notion of race. Had one of the incidents merely happened in isolation, it wouldn't have bothered me. But it was one thing after another that piled on me and changed my perceptions. I was naive prior leaving home and being exposed to that really had a big impact. I started reading stuff about race on the internet and that just served to make things worse. I broke up with my ex because I simply didn't see her as a girl I loved anymore - she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible. In the last few months I've become pretty anxious - I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race i.e. the ethnicity of the players on show.
I'm not as close with my parents as I was before. I and my dad don't talk about life for hours on end and I don't accompany my mum with something as mundane as shopping simply because I enjoy her company. I've not only become distant with my family, but I've become distant with my friends. These days I prefer being left alone because I feel like I don't really belong in the world.
It's making me very miserable.
What you speak of happens to a lot of Blacks that do not fit cultural norms. Myself I was in situations where I was the only Black. Most cases the only time I was around other Blacks was when I was at home. I also spent times around Blacks in a higher socioeconomic class than the one I was in at the time, and they had their own thing I could not truly be part of, so once again, I was lonely. Whites were just easier to get along with, though you never truly feel part of the group, it is better than nothing.
I went to a Black college and found a lot of other Blacks that came up in the same situation I had. Ironically, I do not talk to any of them anymore, but it helped. I know that it often feels as though the lower socioeconomic classes dictate cultural norms on the African-American community, but that is not entirely true. You just have to go out of your way, or try to create a community of your own. With the Internet, it is a lot easier for socially stratified African-Americans to find each other. It was hell back in the eighties and nineties.
To the OP . . . what you're feeling is completely understandable as others have mentioned. It seems that your parents sheltered you from the unfortunate reality of the world when you were a kid, which I think was a good thing. However it also left you somewhat unprepared for some harsh realities.
I know you are distancing yourself from people around you, but I would suggest that you speak with your parents. They sound like they are lovely people and I'm sure they would want to help you get through this. I have a child (much, much younger than you) but if he were going through something serious like you are when he grew older, I'd like him to talk to me about it so we could get through it together. Also on the subject of our anxiety . . . perhaps a trip to the doctors could be in order?
Keep the faith.
P.S. You could try adoption forums. In situations like this, I always find that talking to people in similar situations helps as I'm sure you're not the only adopted person who has some identity problems.
I second this one. We are a multiracial family and try very hard to keep our daughter in touch with people of her own ethnic background so I appreciate that it is a challenge for parents to do so in any meaningful way. You are probably better off discussing this with others who have experience with this, as it is going to be very difficult for others to get an idea of what you are going though. I'm sure your parents do get it and I hope that you find an answer to your situation soon and are once again able to enjoy a close relationship with your folks.
I'm distancing myself from everyone (girlfriend, old friends, etc). Like I mentioned before, I get anxious these days and I prefer spending time alone. Perhaps it does say something about my character. But that's the way I feel and there's no point in denying it.
Ask yourself this one question: Would i have been better off not having been adopted by my family?
I sympathize with your situation. It is not possible for anyone to know entirely how you feel, BUT, understand that many people come from diverse socio/economic backgrounds and struggle to form their identity. In a way, it is natural that you search for it in your youth (I've seen people push this to the back of their minds and then it resurfaces when they are older - or they pass on feelings of inadequacy to their children because they've never come to terms with it themselves).
Try to discuss this openly with your parents. They know you longer than you've known yourself - they have memories of you that you can't tap into. They may not have the answers for you - but you never know what they can provide (if you shut them out, they can provide nothing and you've lost your most valuable resource).
Spending time by yourself is not bad (so long as you don't sink into a depressive state). When I was in college I traveled to Europe by myself and found it quite beneficial. Your friends will understand (if not now, then perhaps in time).
Read as much as you can on the topic. Take a look at other forums, as someone suggested. See if your college has a counselor you can speak with. You want answers and you should do your best to find them. Just don't let your mental state spiral downward. This search for identity is very natural - it is more complex for some than for others.
You're fortunate to be British. If you were American you'd be much worse off.
Why don't you start a blog and write about your experiences as you've begun to here? I think what you are struggling with would be helpful to others and allow you to find people who understand.
Childhood friends are something you wont find again and i think you'd be sorry to lose them after the crisis end .Give yourself time but dont distant yourself too much .And for your parents i am sure that they love you very much whatever colour you are .Talk to them.
Im also sure there had to be middle ground .If you move to another place you'd feel like a coward but the problem wont go away .Dont run-think and accept your place .Sooner or later you have to make peace with yourself and important people in your life.
I'm a black man (22-years-old) and I was adopted by white parents when I was a baby.
I love my mum and dad. They're fantastic parents and have always been there for me. My father always makes me laugh with his silly, childish jokes and my mum is always a source of comfort. However recently, I've started becoming distant from my family because I'm starting to feel like I don't belong because of my skin colour. I guess these feelings have everything to do with entering the "real world."
Where I grew up, I was almost always the only black person present. It was a very white middle/upper class neighbourhood. I never felt out of place, though. I was so accustomed to being around whites due to being raised by a white family, as a child, the fact that my skin colour was different to all the people around me never crossed my mind. I was the only black person present from primary to secondary school. Everyone else was white. All my childhood best friends are white and every single girl I've been out with has been white.
Like I already mentioned - as a kid being the only black person in my family or in my group of friends never played on my mind. However, things changed when I was 18 and I went to university. Leaving home really stressed the notion that I'd been living in a sheltered bubble as a kid. I guess you could say I was extremely naive. Although I was aware of "race," it was something that never really entered the forefront of my mind because it was something that, despite my circumstances, I was never really exposed to. The only time I can remember it coming up in a serious way was when I was 16 and was playing football for my school - an opposition player called me the n word because I tackled him hard; my childhood best friend punched him and a huge brawl commenced between my team and the opposition.
One of the first things that emphasized the "colour barrier" was when I was I was working as barman part-time while studying for my degree. My co-workers, in a playful and non-malicious manner, would always say that I don't act "black." They said I acted white. The reason? Because of the way I speak (I come from a stereotypical countryside town in Southern England) and because my musical tastes aren't limited to hip-hop. Now that didn't really bother me - in fact one of my housemates was the complete opposite. People would say she acted black (she was white) because she loved to listen to reggae, garage, drum and bass, RnB, funk, soul and other musical genres that were pioneered by black musicians. We'd actually have a laugh about it. Like I said that kind of teasing didn't bother me because it wasn't malicious in any way, but I guess in a way it planted the seed.
One of the first things that did bother me, however, was when my old mates from back home and my ex-girlfriend (all white) came to visit me at uni and stayed over for the weekend. We were on our way to a nightclub and a group of black guys from the same university called me a "sellout" and a "choc ice" cause all the people around me were white. It really infuriated me. I know I should've known better and to ignore them but it really got to me. More incidents in similar vain continued throughout my time in the real world. I and my ex were once castigated by some old white man on a train because of "racemixing." I was deemed a traitor because my parents were white, my cousin told me that "I'm not one of them" and I was racially profiled by the police in what was a terrifying experience (my parents want to sue on the very latter but I just want to leave it be).
There were other incidents that stressed the notion of race. Had one of the incidents merely happened in isolation, it wouldn't have bothered me. But it was one thing after another that piled on me and changed my perceptions. I was naive prior leaving home and being exposed to that really had a big impact. I started reading stuff about race on the internet and that just served to make things worse. I broke up with my ex because I simply didn't see her as a girl I loved anymore - she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible. In the last few months I've become pretty anxious - I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race i.e. the ethnicity of the players on show.
I'm not as close with my parents as I was before. I and my dad don't talk about life for hours on end and I don't accompany my mum with something as mundane as shopping simply because I enjoy her company. I've not only become distant with my family, but I've become distant with my friends. These days I prefer being left alone because I feel like I don't really belong in the world.
It's making me very miserable.
I can relate to not feeling like you belong. I'm white, raised by my white biological family, but I have a mental condition that none of them have (or will admit to having). It's called Asperger's syndrome, and it's an autism-spectrum condition. To put it simply without lengthening this by explaining the details, my brain works differently from that of almost everyone else. I may belong to the majority via my skin color, but I can count on one hand the number of people with Asperger's whom I've met in my almost 34 years of life.
Of course, one of the greatest benefits of Asperger's is that it predisposes a person to think in an almost obsessively logical way. So I can give you advice from a logical perspective, and also from the perspective of one who has "never belonged", at the same time.
Where race is concerned, it is true that racial stereotypes are very prevalent today. I'd dare say that they're more prevalent today than they've ever been before. That is due to the fact that people are adhering more fiercely to their racial heritage and fabricated racial culture to define "who they are" in a modern society which constantly seeks to destroy that at the altar of profit.
Let's face it... we're becoming a more commercial society every day. It's been happening for decades... possibly centuries... but even I, at my relatively young age, can see it. When I was a kid, they didn't set up the Christmas section in the department stores in SEPTEMBER or OCTOBER... now they do. They didn't play Christmas music in stores until after Thanksgiving - now they do. They didn't open on Thanksgiving Day to get a jump on Black Friday - now they do. There were no "Hallmark Holidays" like "Sweetest Day" or "Boss's Day" to generate more sales of "gifty" items... now there are.
The advertising for all of this stuff that these companies want you to buy is nefariously psychological. Advertising agencies employ armies of psychologists and scientists to study the effects of various types of advertising on people and study people's habits when shopping, in order to tweak advertising so that it will generate maximum profit. All of this "getting into your head" has disastrous effects, I'm sad to say. One of the examples that has been most repugnant to me over the years is that of the cosmetics industry. If you think about it, the only way that any company can truly convince you to buy their products is to convince you that you NEED their products. This is especially true today when people don't have as much disposable income as they used to have. Since people don't feel like they're that capable of spending on "wants", but EVERYONE will still spend on "needs", these companies have to make you feel that their product is something you NEED to have in order to get you to buy it. Okay. So we know that cosmetics are products that alter or affect your physical appearance. They serve little to no other actual, tangible purpose. The only way a cosmetics company can make you feel like you NEED their products is to make you feel like your appearance is not good enough without them - put simply, that you're ugly without those products and you'll be beautiful / handsome with them. Can you see the problem here? Billions of dollars of advertising is purchased every year with the sole purpose of making people feel ugly so that they'll buy cosmetics! And it's done subconsciously in most cases, so that people won't immediately recognize that that's what's happening! (Come on - if you did, you'd be repulsed by the company and you wouldn't buy their stuff. You might even start a boycott against them!)
It goes on and on. Many products are marketed in such a way that you are made to feel "uncool" if you don't buy that product. "Cool" vs. "uncool" is another big issue for young people, which can rock them to their core. And then we have how at least the United States government is constantly enacting laws which push more and more people toward being dependent upon government (as opposed to being dependent upon themselves and their own effort). I don't know if the English government is doing the same thing... but this serves to destroy people's sense of self-worth and individuality. That's the only way a person could be dependent upon the government - if they don't feel like they're capable of being independent, or "good enough" to be independent.
Why am I saying all of this? To give you an idea of how our society gets into people's heads and methodically tries to ruin our individual identities. Then, to double down on this, our society manufactures identities for everyone which, if followed, will result in even MORE profits for the rich companies and people who are in charge!
I should know this. I had my major identity crisis when I was a pre-teen through my young teenage years. It could be argued that it lasted until my mid-20's, but at the very least, I had 80-90% of everything figured out by sophomore year in high school. All around me, people were trying to follow something that made them "cool", which I always found to be nebulously defined. To me it seemed to be things like:
-the brand names of the clothing they wore (since when does clothing change who a person is?)
-the sports teams they followed (since when does the athletic performance of people you don't know change who you are?)
-the music to which they listened (if art imitates life, then is it not true that the music you listen to reflects who you really are... instead of changing you from "uncool" to "cool" or vice versa?)
-the TV shows they watched (see what I said about music)
-the words they used when they spoke (really?!)
It never made any sense to me. I was the smartest kid in the school, routinely working 2-3 years ahead of everyone else, and yet I was "uncool" because I couldn't throw a ball through a hoop with finesse and because my parents couldn't afford to buy me expensive shoes... just for two examples.
By age 15, I had it figured out. "Cool" was what I made of it. Yes, I was fat. Yes, I wore glasses. Yes, I had acne that was so bad it looked like the measles. Yes, I was somewhat awkward. Yes, I was completely clueless about modern popular culture. I could still throttle anyone in academic and musical pursuits when I put my mind to it but in gym class even my best efforts made me barely average. However, I had it figured out. "Cool" is playing the hand you're dealt, to the best of your ability.
You know what happened at this point? I didn't lose weight, I didn't immediately lose the big glasses, I didn't lose the acne, I didn't stop being awkward, I didn't gain any pop culture knowledge nor athletic ability, etc..... but..... I DID start getting girls. I DID get more friends. The people who once picked on me stopped doing so when they recognized that they couldn't affect me. I was always different... in some ways that I couldn't help, and in some ways that I chose. Didn't matter. My last two years of high school were pretty good. I was in marching band, jazz band, and concert band. I was on the chemistry team, physics team, math team, and chess team. Have I convinced you yet that I'm technically the quintessential nerd? Yet, I was very rarely without a girlfriend or girl(s) who wanted to be my girlfriend.
How does this apply to you? You figured I had to get to that eventually, right?
Okay, so you have black skin. I read not long ago that the DNA difference between the blackest black person and the whitest white person is never more than 0.12%. So look at all of the white people around you... your DNA is at least 99.88% the same as theirs. So y'all are not that different, really. Beyond that, understand that most of what we know as "modern black culture" is something that has been largely fabricated by money-hungry corporations and powers-that-be, to get you to spend money on their products. The same is true for just about any "culture", these days. You want to get back to REAL black culture? Check into your history. Modern black culture today is built on a foundation of real black culture, but what you see today bears little resemblance to what it once was. (If you don't believe that, talk to any black person old enough to be your grandparent or great-grandparent, about black culture back in the day.) For example, you mentioned hip-hop music. Look back at what rap and hip-hop were, in the 1970's and 1980's (its formative years). Essentially, it was poetry set to a beat. Those old rap songs (many of which I enjoy) never contained anything shocking, and they very rarely contained any cuss words. Even when there were cuss words, they were the "light" variety. How about R&B? Just the name alone... rhythm and blues... you ever listened to any old blues music? I mean OLD blues music, from at least 60 years ago (and you're better off going back even further than that). There are still some people today playing that type of music, but the "rhythm and blues" of our day has been largely sexualized so that it will SELL.
You mentioned that you've been criticized because of the skin color of the people you hang with and date, and the fact that you listen to music of types not commonly associated with modern black culture. By allowing yourself to be bothered by this, you are doing exactly what has been bothering you! If THEY tell you that a black dude shouldn't be doing what you're doing, and you BELIEVE that and act differently because of that... now YOU are discriminating on race as well!
Don't perpetuate the problem like that. Remember, you don't differ from your tormentors by any more than 1/800th of your DNA. Nobody can dictate your tastes to you. Tastes are the one thing that can never be explained logically except by saying that God gave you those tastes.
If you like dating white girls, DATE WHITE GIRLS and may your detractors burn in hell for suggesting that your skin color makes it unacceptable to do what you want to do. Man, for my entire life, I liked fat girls. You want to talk about unusual? I'd bet I could find at least ten black guys who prefer white girls, for every one guy of ANY skin color who prefers fat girls. I was definitely "unusual" in that regard. And you know what? When I was young and stupid, I used to try to reject my desire for fat girls. I figured it'd get me picked on, if I dated a fat girl! (Sound familiar?) So I dated some thin girls. I never liked it. I couldn't make myself like thin girls. It took me until age 26 to get to the point where I was like "I'm NEVER dating another girl I don't find gorgeous, regardless of how long that keeps me single!" Age 26!! What was I thinking?! Why did it take me that long to grow up?! I know that I was TRYING to be noble... I didn't want to hold "physical appearance" against someone, when very few of us have any real control over what we look like... but I couldn't deny my preferences. Amusingly enough, two weeks after I made that promise to myself, I met the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She is now my wife. She's 6'3" and 380 pounds... though when I met her she was in the 450's. She's big all over (naturally) but she is definitely a butt-and-thighs girl. Girls with "big butts" are most commonly glorified by black culture, right? Well... this white guy has always liked that shape. I even dated some black girls back in the day. I'm very happy every time I look at my wife. To most people, she's way too big for their tastes... she's told me the stories of her younger years, having trouble dating because hardly anyone wanted to be with the biggest girl around... but that's exactly what attracts me. Nobody has ever said anything about my tastes being messed up in any way because I'm with a really big woman... but that's probably because, as professional entertainers for elderly people, we rarely find ourselves in the company of immature people for any appreciable length of time.
Now... WHY have I always liked fat women? Logically, it could be said that I have no clue. I'd be lying if I said I was always happy with having those tastes... sometimes it's caused me quite a bit of trouble, because of the aforementioned psychology being used against people by greedy corporations. If girls are constantly being bombarded with messages that they're not pretty enough (so they'll buy products to change their appearances), then fat girls surely have it the worst of all of them. Look at the modeling industry... most female models look emaciated... even with the recent push to get "plus-sized" models out there (which didn't exist when we were in our formative years), what they consider "plus-sized" is still a joke. It's a step or two in the right direction, but my wife and I still want to see a REAL fat person modeling clothing that'll be worn by fat people. That's a rarity, for sure. I don't know what'll become of the mentality of fat girls but I know that when I was younger, almost all of them seemed to have mental issues. These issues were caused, for sure, by our society being skewed against fat people. After all, 2/3 of Americans are fat. So, if greedy companies want to make the most money selling appearance-changing products of all kinds, they would do best to target the largest group of people! Easiest way to do that - make fat people feel ugly!
However, if you could get into my head for just a moment whenever I look at my wife, you'd see why I like fat women. They need love too. And since there are so many of them out there, it stands to reason that God has to make men who like them... otherwise they'd NEVER find love, that would be cruel, and God is not cruel. I happen to be one of those men who likes fat women. I'm married to a fat woman. It's a perfect match. If there's a woman out there whom you consider to be the most beautiful woman alive, imagine you were married to her, and imagine how you'd feel every time you looked at her... especially knowing that she's your wife. That's how I feel about my wife. I'm a relatively average-sized guy who likes tall fat women. My wife is even an inch taller than me! Guys aren't supposed to do that, right? We're supposed to marry someone shorter than we are, right? Not me. I got one almost twice my size and taller than me... AND I LOVE IT. That's me. That's my taste.
You, my friend, are a black guy who likes white women. That's your taste. You wouldn't be the first. Chances are, if I met you, I'd find that you are a lot like a friend I had in college. He was black and he definitely did not act like the stereotypical modern young black guy. Furthermore, he preferred short white women. He told me that he'd encountered his share of issues with that along the way, but I guess he'd grown out of caring about it. He was substantially older than the rest of us... I believe he was 5 years older than everyone else in his grade... but that's because he'd done a stint in the military after high school. He eventually did find a 4'11" white woman to date, and he was very happy with her. I'm not sure if they got married, but they were happy at the time. So... all you have to do is find a white girl who likes "atypical" black guys, and you'll be happy too. Trust me, things could be harder for you. I knew a girl who preferred Jewish Korean guys. How many Korean Jews do you know?! Did you ever think that ANY Korean guys would be Jewish? I sure didn't! Yet, she found one!! Can you imagine how tricky that guy thought it'd be, to find a girl who liked Korean Jewish guys? You think YOU have it rough...!!
Here's the deal. It sounds to me like your family has been really good to you. Don't distance yourself from them because you feel like your skin color makes you different. Once again, you're 99.88% the same as they are. By deeming yourself different from them, you're focusing on the 0.12% difference instead of the 99.88% similarity. Furthermore, they loved you and raised you for many years. They even CHOSE you! It's not like they were stuck with you because they bore you... since they adopted you, they actually CHOSE you! You've been given quite a gift. If you think that your parents understand you when you interact with them, then you're doing substantially better than I was doing at your age. (To this day, I still doubt that my parents truly understand me. I try to get them to understand me but my mom definitely doesn't have Asperger's and my dad, though he may have it, will never get tested nor even admit that it's possible.) If you believe they love you, and that they've never treated you unfairly, unkindly, or in any way "differently" because of your skin color, then you are technically being racist by distancing yourself from your family purely because of your race.
The one and only reason why our world is not "post-racial", as many people wish it would be, is because of what I said before about companies being greedy. I believe, deep down, almost all of us can accept people on a case-by-case basis. Did you read that article recently about how the Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan (essentially their "leader") joined the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People after meeting with its leader? Talk about unexpected bedfellows! Even the most racist people out there could probably take people individually regardless of skin color, as long as they're compatible human beings. I've seen it happen. This means there's plenty of hope for you, no matter how many ignorant people you encounter.
And here's something else for you to consider. I've said this to my wife before and it's just as true for you. If you are "different", and in being different you attract negative attention of any kind (teasing, detraction, insults, rejection, etc), it's actually a very good thing because you're exposing the fact that the perpetrators of that negativity are mean-spirited individuals with whom you would not want to be associated. Anyone who hurls an insult at you purely because of your skin color is actually saying "I am an unhappy, unfulfilled person, I feel alone in that unhappiness, and I feel that I can only ease the pain of feeling that way by trying to make other people unhappy too". Don't fool yourself - bullies are some of the unhappiest people out there. Though you may not want to be the target of this negativity, at least, being different, you bring it out in ways that other people may not. I've always been like this too. Somehow I've managed to bring out the hidden unpleasant truths about people in ways that they'd never before experienced. The same has been true of my wife. I never used to like it, but over the years I have come to love it. See, at least I know! Think about this for a while. Let's say that Joe Blow makes a snide remark about you holding a white girl's hand. He has immediately shown you that he is an unhappy, mean-spirited person... and you immediately know he is not to be allowed into your life. Now, suppose you were white. Not only would Joe Blow not make such a comment about you if you were white, but you might actually get to the point of being friends with him because he'd hide his negative nature from you as he hides it from everyone else. (He feels like nobody else understands his unhappiness, remember? So, he'll mask it.) Yet, he is a negative, unhappy person. You would probably find that out eventually, but not before he had the opportunity to bring you down as well! Negative people do that, and it can be quite insidious if they're "in your life" because you won't necessarily know that it's happening. (Again, I have experienced this personally.) At least if you bring the person's negativity out into the open, you will know that he/she is not the type of person with whom you would ever want to be associated. You're better off.
I can put you in contact with that old college friend of mine, if you'd like. Figure that he's about 39 years old now, so y'all are in somewhat different stages of life... but it sounds like you're rather similar. Finding someone similar, when you feel alone in life, is always a good thing. Keep the faith, my friend.
One of the first things that emphasized the "colour barrier" was when I was I was working as barman part-time while studying for my degree. My co-workers, in a playful and non-malicious manner, would always say that I don't act "black." They said I acted white. The reason? Because of the way I speak (I come from a stereotypical countryside town in Southern England) and because my musical tastes aren't limited to hip-hop. Now that didn't really bother me - in fact one of my housemates was the complete opposite. People would say she acted black (she was white) because she loved to listen to reggae, garage, drum and bass, RnB, funk, soul and other musical genres that were pioneered by black musicians. We'd actually have a laugh about it. Like I said that kind of teasing didn't bother me because it wasn't malicious in any way, but I guess in a way it planted the seed.
One of the first things that did bother me, however, was when my old mates from back home and my ex-girlfriend (all white) came to visit me at uni and stayed over for the weekend. We were on our way to a nightclub and a group of black guys from the same university called me a "sellout" and a "choc ice" cause all the people around me were white. It really infuriated me. I know I should've known better and to ignore them but it really got to me. More incidents in similar vain continued throughout my time in the real world. I and my ex were once castigated by some old white man on a train because of "racemixing." I was deemed a traitor because my parents were white, my cousin told me that "I'm not one of them" and I was racially profiled by the police in what was a terrifying experience (my parents want to sue on the very latter but I just want to leave it be).
We have almost identical backgrounds, except I'm in the U.S. Feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to talk more.
Your college experience is somewhat normal. You're being exposed to different cultures and trying to figure out where you fit in. But it's not limited to black people raised by white parents. The same thing happens to black people raised in more suburban areas. If you don't grow up within the "black" or "urban" culture, you're simply not going to fit in with people who did.
I know that everyone wants to feel like they belong, but do you really want to be friends with people who tell you you aren't black enough? Personally, I try to avoid people that make a big deal out of race. It becomes tiring and there's usually some prejudice or hate behind it.
If you really want to find a group to fit in with, seek out the biracial kids or other adopted kids. They'll be going through a similar experience. But the most important thing is that you need to be comfortable with yourself. Don't change your behavior to fit it. Eventually, you will meet people who don't care if you sound "white" or "black" and don't expect you to act a certain way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThierryHenry14
There were other incidents that stressed the notion of race. Had one of the incidents merely happened in isolation, it wouldn't have bothered me. But it was one thing after another that piled on me and changed my perceptions. I was naive prior leaving home and being exposed to that really had a big impact. I started reading stuff about race on the internet and that just served to make things worse. I broke up with my ex because I simply didn't see her as a girl I loved anymore - she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible. In the last few months I've become pretty anxious - I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race i.e. the ethnicity of the players on show.
I know that everyone would handle the situation differently, but you're going about it possibly the worst way imaginable. You can't let the color of your skin define you. Sure, it's a part of you and may influence certain opinions you have, but really? You bailed on a relationship that I assume was working just fine because you suddenly realized that whites and blacks couldn't date? Nothing at all had changed besides the fact that you suddenly realized you had a different skin color than your girlfriend.
You need to learn that other people's views on race aren't yours. You were once happy being a black kid with white friends and family. Don't change that.
I'm a black man (22-years-old) and I was adopted by white parents when I was a baby.
I love my mum and dad. They're fantastic parents and have always been there for me. My father always makes me laugh with his silly, childish jokes and my mum is always a source of comfort. However recently, I've started becoming distant from my family because I'm starting to feel like I don't belong because of my skin colour. I guess these feelings have everything to do with entering the "real world."
Where I grew up, I was almost always the only black person present. It was a very white middle/upper class neighbourhood. I never felt out of place, though. I was so accustomed to being around whites due to being raised by a white family, as a child, the fact that my skin colour was different to all the people around me never crossed my mind. I was the only black person present from primary to secondary school. Everyone else was white. All my childhood best friends are white and every single girl I've been out with has been white.
Like I already mentioned - as a kid being the only black person in my family or in my group of friends never played on my mind. However, things changed when I was 18 and I went to university. Leaving home really stressed the notion that I'd been living in a sheltered bubble as a kid. I guess you could say I was extremely naive. Although I was aware of "race," it was something that never really entered the forefront of my mind because it was something that, despite my circumstances, I was never really exposed to. The only time I can remember it coming up in a serious way was when I was 16 and was playing football for my school - an opposition player called me the n word because I tackled him hard; my childhood best friend punched him and a huge brawl commenced between my team and the opposition.
One of the first things that emphasized the "colour barrier" was when I was I was working as barman part-time while studying for my degree. My co-workers, in a playful and non-malicious manner, would always say that I don't act "black." They said I acted white. The reason? Because of the way I speak (I come from a stereotypical countryside town in Southern England) and because my musical tastes aren't limited to hip-hop. Now that didn't really bother me - in fact one of my housemates was the complete opposite. People would say she acted black (she was white) because she loved to listen to reggae, garage, drum and bass, RnB, funk, soul and other musical genres that were pioneered by black musicians. We'd actually have a laugh about it. Like I said that kind of teasing didn't bother me because it wasn't malicious in any way, but I guess in a way it planted the seed.
One of the first things that did bother me, however, was when my old mates from back home and my ex-girlfriend (all white) came to visit me at uni and stayed over for the weekend. We were on our way to a nightclub and a group of black guys from the same university called me a "sellout" and a "choc ice" cause all the people around me were white. It really infuriated me. I know I should've known better and to ignore them but it really got to me. More incidents in similar vain continued throughout my time in the real world. I and my ex were once castigated by some old white man on a train because of "racemixing." I was deemed a traitor because my parents were white, my cousin told me that "I'm not one of them" and I was racially profiled by the police in what was a terrifying experience (my parents want to sue on the very latter but I just want to leave it be).
There were other incidents that stressed the notion of race. Had one of the incidents merely happened in isolation, it wouldn't have bothered me. But it was one thing after another that piled on me and changed my perceptions. I was naive prior leaving home and being exposed to that really had a big impact. I started reading stuff about race on the internet and that just served to make things worse. I broke up with my ex because I simply didn't see her as a girl I loved anymore - she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible. In the last few months I've become pretty anxious - I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race i.e. the ethnicity of the players on show.
I'm not as close with my parents as I was before. I and my dad don't talk about life for hours on end and I don't accompany my mum with something as mundane as shopping simply because I enjoy her company. I've not only become distant with my family, but I've become distant with my friends. These days I prefer being left alone because I feel like I don't really belong in the world.
It's making me very miserable.
I can relate and I have pretty much cut myself off from the rest of the world. I was never black enough but in other respects I was too black. I do not know my place in the world and I am floundering. I do not recommend isolating yourself because it can lead to depression. Your are fortunate that you have people that love you. I would recommend that you are honest with your family and tell them the truth. They will never be able to relate to the challenges of being black but they can provide unconditional love and support to help you figure things out. Good luck to you!
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Yet, I was very rarely without a girlfriend or girl(s) who wanted to be my girlfriend.
