I'm black - I was adopted by a white family when I was a baby and now feeling like I don't belong (present, couples)
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the fact that my skin colour was different never crossed my mind...being the only black person in my family or in my group of friends never played on my mind... although I was aware of "race," it was something that never really entered the forefront of my mind...I started reading stuff about race on the internet .. I broke up with my ex because ...she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible...I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race... I've not only become distant with my family, but I've become distant with my friends...
So, you were raised to be color-blind, but now the internet and a few experiences with people who only saw your skin color have suddenly made you a...racist?
If you'd simply accept that your circumstances of origin were different, and that your old, non-race focused self is (hopefully) the wave of the future, you would become an asset to humanity.
My cousin went through this same thing. But what he learned is not to cut himself off from LOVE. The love of your parents. This is shooting yourself in the foot. You are young and finding your way. Find it with love. Err on the side of love if you are confused.
For me, it has been a life-long process, but you are getting an early start, so have a much better prognosis.
I was in my mid-forties when I had that particular identity crisis. It turned out to be very instructive, because I had no idea I COULD react that strongly to "who I thought I was" and who I "thought I turned out to be" (because I realized, we can never really know. It taught me that it's all about cultural constructs - we build identity based on cultural ideas and propaganda. I realized that everything is very fluid - I had a fixed idea of who I thought I was and I was wrong. Also, I never had any negative thoughts about "the Dutch" before - and when I found out I was Dutch, I wanted to be the "cool Dutch," but I started researching and was just devastated by what I found out. I was ashamed to have that blood coursing in me . . . I did not want that ancestral heritage. It was really devastating and it made me feel terrible about myself.
As far as acceptance is concerned, I personally have learned a lot through Buddhist thought . . . and I work on it a quite a lot. I am old now and feel I have made some progress but I do understand the more I know the more I don't really know about things - and that's okay most of the time - and sometimes it's not and then I take to my bed and cry.
Also . . . a lot of what we think of as "racial differences" are really class differences. You were raised privileged - you did not have to think about race - I think that is why you drew some negative remarks from jealous people. I think your work is to better understand privilege - not to feel bad about yourself - just to understand the issue a little better.
And like someone else said - don't turn your back on the love and support of your family and friends. They love YOU - not your skin color or circumstances.
Forget it. Figure out who you want to be, what type of person you aspire to, and set your sights on it. Understand that anything or anyone that puts stumbling blocks in front or you for any reason isn't worth your time.
If people concentrate on what makes them different all anyone will ever be is depressed.
I'm a black man (22-years-old) and I was adopted by white parents when I was a baby.
I love my mum and dad. They're fantastic parents and have always been there for me. My father always makes me laugh with his silly, childish jokes and my mum is always a source of comfort. However recently, I've started becoming distant from my family because I'm starting to feel like I don't belong because of my skin colour. I guess these feelings have everything to do with entering the "real world."
Where I grew up, I was almost always the only black person present. It was a very white middle/upper class neighbourhood. I never felt out of place, though. I was so accustomed to being around whites due to being raised by a white family, as a child, the fact that my skin colour was different to all the people around me never crossed my mind. I was the only black person present from primary to secondary school. Everyone else was white. All my childhood best friends are white and every single girl I've been out with has been white.
Like I already mentioned - as a kid being the only black person in my family or in my group of friends never played on my mind. However, things changed when I was 18 and I went to university. Leaving home really stressed the notion that I'd been living in a sheltered bubble as a kid. I guess you could say I was extremely naive. Although I was aware of "race," it was something that never really entered the forefront of my mind because it was something that, despite my circumstances, I was never really exposed to. The only time I can remember it coming up in a serious way was when I was 16 and was playing football for my school - an opposition player called me the n word because I tackled him hard; my childhood best friend punched him and a huge brawl commenced between my team and the opposition.
One of the first things that emphasized the "colour barrier" was when I was I was working as barman part-time while studying for my degree. My co-workers, in a playful and non-malicious manner, would always say that I don't act "black." They said I acted white. The reason? Because of the way I speak (I come from a stereotypical countryside town in Southern England) and because my musical tastes aren't limited to hip-hop. Now that didn't really bother me - in fact one of my housemates was the complete opposite. People would say she acted black (she was white) because she loved to listen to reggae, garage, drum and bass, RnB, funk, soul and other musical genres that were pioneered by black musicians. We'd actually have a laugh about it. Like I said that kind of teasing didn't bother me because it wasn't malicious in any way, but I guess in a way it planted the seed.
One of the first things that did bother me, however, was when my old mates from back home and my ex-girlfriend (all white) came to visit me at uni and stayed over for the weekend. We were on our way to a nightclub and a group of black guys from the same university called me a "sellout" and a "choc ice" cause all the people around me were white. It really infuriated me. I know I should've known better and to ignore them but it really got to me. More incidents in similar vain continued throughout my time in the real world. I and my ex were once castigated by some old white man on a train because of "racemixing." I was deemed a traitor because my parents were white, my cousin told me that "I'm not one of them" and I was racially profiled by the police in what was a terrifying experience (my parents want to sue on the very latter but I just want to leave it be).
There were other incidents that stressed the notion of race. Had one of the incidents merely happened in isolation, it wouldn't have bothered me. But it was one thing after another that piled on me and changed my perceptions. I was naive prior leaving home and being exposed to that really had a big impact. I started reading stuff about race on the internet and that just served to make things worse. I broke up with my ex because I simply didn't see her as a girl I loved anymore - she was now a white girl and I was a black guy and that made us incompatible. In the last few months I've become pretty anxious - I can't even watch a football game without thinking about race i.e. the ethnicity of the players on show.
I'm not as close with my parents as I was before. I and my dad don't talk about life for hours on end and I don't accompany my mum with something as mundane as shopping simply because I enjoy her company. I've not only become distant with my family, but I've become distant with my friends. These days I prefer being left alone because I feel like I don't really belong in the world.
It's making me very miserable.
Your entire post makes me want to cry. Thank you for starting this thread.
Even though my situation is a bit different from yours, I can completely understand where you are coming from. I am a mixed child myself. Half Asian, half white. Growing up, I just felt "different". Asian people don't view me as Asian, white folks definitely don't view me as white. It doesn't matter how many people tell my siblings and I that we are beautiful, smart, special, I just knew that I was different.
My parents are very loving people. But I believe that my siblings and I have a lot to prove. It took me a lot of years to finally accept myself for the person I am. It is a difficult and long journey.
Well, think of it this way. Your parents love you and you are a special individual. How do we choose to live the rest of our lives is entirely up to us.
When I create Art, I am an artist. When I play sports, I am an athlete. When I try to accomplish my goal, I am a fighter, not a quitter. Race doesn't determine who I am all the time.
Just know that you are loved by your parents. I do fell lucky that I have a loving family. It is easier to face another day in this cruel world knowing that somebody have already accepted me for me.
Can't help but think a great deal of this may be prolonged adolescence which you might go through no matter your race. I've read that our brains don't mature till we are close to 25. At this age most of us question absolutely everything about our world and parents and life in general. I'm sure your racial differences seem like a convenient hook upon which to hang this issue but is it really? As you live your life and especially when you graduate from college you will probably want to hang out with people you better relate to- maybe white or black. You can make that determination as you get there. Who do you hang out with now?
Don't worry about distancing from your parents. this is the most natural thing in the world. It's called getting a life of your own.
Don't let insecure and mean people ruin your life..don't waste your time trying to conform,change, or "figure things out"..you were fine the way you were before,nothing has changed,keep loving your parents and keep loving yourself. The people will come and go but as long as you have love in your life and have direction and goals you will be ok!! Try to remember that the next time someone says something silly to you! All the best.
Don't let insecure and mean people ruin your life..don't waste your time trying to conform,change, or "figure things out"..you were fine the way you were before,nothing has changed,keep loving your parents and keep loving yourself. The people will come and go but as long as you have love in your life and have direction and goals you will be ok!! Try to remember that the next time someone says something silly to you! All the best.
^^^^^^ This!!!!!!
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