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The way I see it, he's had mostly good experiences and a few bad experiences being black in a white world and he chooses to focus on the bad experiences. He chooses to focus on the racism.
He could have chosen to become a part of the same people as his parents. It's hard in the USA but there are lots of black people in England who simply assimilate into the british population and live their lives. OP would rather relate to a black identity probably because it's more exciting and because white people are all "racists" anyways and it doesn't matter that his overall life experience with them has been positive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hvl
I was raised by a black family but apart from my relatives I don't really relate very well to black people.
From the time I was a teen it was clear that my interests coincided much more with those of my white peers than with those of my black peers. I do have some black acquainances and friends but it's obvious to everyone that i'm an extremely whitewashed guy and that won't change.
You are very judgmental. The way I see it is the OP doesn't know how to react towards the racism because he never experienced it. He was sheltered and like most sheltered children he's in complete shock and trying to figure things out. He sounds depressed and may need to seek mental help.
You have your own thoughts about Black people and Black culture as you have stated in your past post. You stated that you only talk to YOUR mom 2x a month and that you communicate with your sister by e-mail as they like black culture.
Everyone doesn't like assimilating into "white culture" and everyone shouldn't have to. You are proud to be "whitewashed" (as you state above) so you instantly jumped on the defense. If you read the above post the OP also said that he received racism from Black people as well so how does that equate to him trying to attack white people? He was receiving it from both ends which is why he shut down because he doesn't know where he belongs.
Maybe you are having an identity crisis. You want to separate yourself from the stereotypes of being a Black male so much that you have separated yourself from your own family and is demonizing this young man for not fully assimilating and questioning who he is.
My advice to you: Seek help for your own insecurities before advising someone else on the same issue. It's nothing wrong with liking what you like are being who you are but don't act as if you are superior because of it.
latino- kids black kids or white kids or mixed dont feel that they don't fit in with out being adopted-it's temporary till you find yourself for who you are! Dont worry about that-- thank God for loving parents hold your head up high and stop looking at the outside,, dig inside and determine self!
I agree with this post 100%! Identity crisis is a temporary thing.
You will find yourself OP. Wish you the best of luck in life. You sounded lovely!
Also -- find some people from Africa itself -- you'll find many of them don't "act black" -- Nigerians for example can be very middle or upper class, not much into hip-hop and rap.
I used to work with a guy from Uganda who did not WANT to fit in with what he felt was the typical American black. In fact if he weren't black himself, you might have thought he was a racist from the things he would say about American blacks and the so-called black culture.
Again there is no one way that someone of a particular race or ethnicity must act.
Nigerians are known for their scams. Since when are they the token child for being upperclass?
Anyway to answer OP''s questions, IMO your parents meant well but sheltered you too much IMO. I fail to understand why it took you so long to figure out that your parents are white you are black. I like how Jilian Michaels parents her black kid. The kid was born in Haiti & kid still has a Haitian name & Jillian always talk about the challenges she has with her hair & they take the kid back to Haiti so the kid has a sense of belonging. So that kid knows she is black. I'm not understanding what took you so long? I can understand you not playing with black kids when you were young but as an adult I'm not sure why you still insist on ONLY dating white girls, ONLY having white friends. Sounds like ""self hate"" or at least would be construed as such in America moreso in black America but hey you are in UK. Sorry I just had to keep it real.
2) People who adhere to these unwritten rules about race and judge/ridicule me for stepping outside of their comfort zone or for going against their grain aren't any more black than I am, anyway. They've just made being black such a priority that they're less of everything else. I don't want to be like that nor do I want people like that to define me.
I thought I'd find some kind of necessary solidarity by surrounding myself with more of the things and people I was "supposed to", but all I found was a shrinking of myself into a package that was incomplete. The more I made my choices about race, the less independence from my race my identity had. That's a step back, not forward.
So I let go of all that nonsense. No one should justify or excuse themselves for being themselves, force something that's just not what they want or give up what they do. Sure, I have a lot of white friends, date white people, like "white things". And? Society is the only reason any of that even matters and society can go f-ck itself on a good day, so forgive me if I don't make it my judge and jury.
And I agree with the poster who said: You will not identify with the 'average' black person because the 'average' black person is a stereotype that probably doesn't exist. We're more dynamic than the rap music blasting, baggy pants wearing, fight starting, broken English slang using caricature shoved down everyone's throats, as different among ourselves as we are from others, and each of us is just as much a representation of black people as the next guy.
^^^THIS!!!
He knows he's black.. and he knows what he likes without downplaying, stereotyping, or dissing his own race @hlv. He is secure in himself so he can look at everyone individually. To the OP please read and then re-read cyberphonics post.
The "real world" has a funny way of creating racial distress where there was none. I wouldn't call it naive. You were just exposed to race in a way that made your own more relevant to your life, more apparent. If anything, it's culture shock. You came from a culture at home where black and white didn't matter and stepped out into the culture of the world that said it does matter and always will.
I had the benefit of diversity growing up and a sense that we're all just different crayons in the same box. Once I got out there, all the self-segregating and race-regulating, the labels, the stereotypes, the jokes, like you, one thing after another finally managed to put race in the forefront of my mind in a way it'd never been before.
I wish I could tell you that bit changes, but it's a condition you never really undo, especially as a person of color. I wouldn't bet on going back to the days where race was just another word, though I think that's the least of your worries, yeah? It's how you're going to live with it.
I got a lot of the same commentary over the years. I sound white, I'm an oreo, I'm a sellout, a self-hater. I've been on the business end of the rigid loyalty of blacks and the ignorance of whites and everything in between. I saw it as a product of the limitations of their upbringing and exposure, not as anything against myself.
And don't even get me started on the internet. It's the bastion of racist ideologies and other quaint stupidity. Nothing can tick you off faster or hammer a nail deeper than what you read on the web. None of it made me question where I belong - maybe because I don't have a need to "belong" anywhere other than right here in the space I occupy, in and with and to myself.
But I did go through a period of guilt, imagining some obligation to identify more with my own race that I wasn't fulfilling. And during that pursuit of "black" and all people and things thereof, I was reminded of some things.
1) My blackness was proven at birth. People who think that's not enough - that in addition to being born black, I have to sound a certain way, act a certain way, or surround myself with certain people to verify or live up to it - they're the ones with the identity crisis because they couldn't be or accept who they are without those limits and hoops and I can.
2) People who adhere to these unwritten rules about race and judge/ridicule me for stepping outside of their comfort zone or for going against their grain aren't any more black than I am, anyway. They've just made being black such a priority that they're less of everything else. I don't want to be like that nor do I want people like that to define me.
I thought I'd find some kind of necessary solidarity by surrounding myself with more of the things and people I was "supposed to", but all I found was a shrinking of myself into a package that was incomplete. The more I made my choices about race, the less independence from my race my identity had. That's a step back, not forward.
So I let go of all that nonsense. No one should justify or excuse themselves for being themselves, force something that's just not what they want or give up what they do. Sure, I have a lot of white friends, date white people, like "white things". And? Society is the only reason any of that even matters and society can go f-ck itself on a good day, so forgive me if I don't make it my judge and jury.
And I agree with the poster who said: You will not identify with the 'average' black person because the 'average' black person is a stereotype that probably doesn't exist. We're more dynamic than the rap music blasting, baggy pants wearing, fight starting, broken English slang using caricature shoved down everyone's throats, as different among ourselves as we are from others, and each of us is just as much a representation of black people as the next guy.
All that being said, what, exactly, is bothering you now? Do you feel like you should be moving more towards blacks and/or distancing yourself from whites? When you say you don't belong, you mean among the family that loves you, the mates who cared about you? Or is there something else going on, too? I ask because you made a curious comment that you didn't want to know your biological parents because you were "afraid".
Afraid of what?
Brilliant post.
Many people of different races go through these stages of fitting in throughout their childhood.
Be it race, social standing, sexuality, education/employment, etc.
Take a step back and really think about yourself - not what others want to be, but being true to yourself.
Never give anyone else that power over you to define your own image or make you uncomfortable in your own skin.
That confidence doesn't come easy or overnight - but the effort is worth what is earned.
The insecure lash out against those that don't fit their prism in an effort to bring others down which is much easier than lifting themselves up or really examining their own self ....... it's a lazy process by lazy people. While it can cut at first, once you gain that confidence in self then you realize that passing comments by lazy ignorant people can't define you and have no power over you. It really is them with the issue, not you.
People are making surface level assumptions about you without really knowing anything about you.
The people who do know about you - your family, your friends, etc - they are still there to love and support you unconditionally. While they may not have the exact frame of reference, these issues are somewhat universal - even if presented under different circumstances.
That is the beauty of diversity, IMO. We all have struggles that are somewhat similar, but shaded through different life circumstances. What is powerful is when you can connect outside of the base classifications (race, geography, education level, income) and connect and learn with others.
You have a lot to teach others that race doesn't have to be the driving factor in your life. You can be every bit of your race without being a walking stereotype or falling into any single clique.
Don't sell yourself short to lift up the fragile self images of the somewhat vocal minority of people you come across and don't abandon those that love you the most in the process.
Nigerians are known for their scams. Since when are they the token child for being upperclass?
Anyway to answer OP''s questions, IMO your parents meant well but sheltered you too much IMO. I fail to understand why it took you so long to figure out that your parents are white you are black. I like how Jilian Michaels parents her black kid. The kid was born in Haiti & kid still has a Haitian name & Jillian always talk about the challenges she has with her hair & they take the kid back to Haiti so the kid has a sense of belonging. So that kid knows she is black. I'm not understanding what took you so long? I can understand you not playing with black kids when you were young but as an adult I'm not sure why you still insist on ONLY dating white girls, ONLY having white friends. Sounds like ""self hate"" or at least would be construed as such in America moreso in black America but hey you are in UK. Sorry I just had to keep it real.
^^THIS!
I think it sounds like comfort, I don't think it is self hate at all.
Move to the the USA and be comfortable in knowing if Obama had a son, you would look like him.
Nope! He has nothing in common with Obama. Obama is a PROUD black man. Dude has been to Kenya even. His wife is an educated BLACK woman. Obama has black friends. Obama has a BLACK name and BLACK last name. Obama is NOT confused about his race. OP is.
Black is not just a color. It's a culture. When people adopt a child of a different race, they owe it to that child to expose him/her to his culture, whether it's taking classes in that culture's history, joining groups comprised of other kids of that culture or whatever. The OP's parents probably meant well but they did him no service by ignoring his culture.
Nope! He has nothing in common with Obama. Obama is a PROUD black man. Dude has been to Kenya even. His wife is an educated BLACK woman. Obama has black friends. Obama has a BLACK name and BLACK last name. Obama is NOT confused about his race. OP is.
Yup in America OP would be another black guy
Not true.. Obama was raised around a lot of white people by white grandparents/mom. It wasn't until he moved to the states and went to college that he started questioning his identity like the OP. Obama dated white girls but eventually started learning about black culture and dating black women. The President WAS confused about his race but eventually he figured out who he wanted to be.
Black is not just a color. It's a culture. When people adopt a child of a different race, they owe it to that child to expose him/her to his culture, whether it's taking classes in that culture's history, joining groups comprised of other kids of that culture or whatever. The OP's parents probably meant well but they did him no service by ignoring his culture.
I agree.
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I agree.
