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sometimes its better making the effort, than receiving the ultimate results.
(you cant control others, but you can be content and satisfied with your effort in hindsight)
It's true that my parents are older and unlikely to change. Maybe I should focus more on trying to budge stuff with my sis. She has a hard time socializing because of being ill. She reserves all her energies for holidays, so I rarely see her otherwise. I miss her a lot, and that's a big reason why I was upset about xmas.
She also tends to get super stressed out over our parents' antics. But she's unwilling to make plans that don't include them because it's important to her that we are all together. This isn't the first time all the stress has made her unable to come at the last minute.
I'm thinking that maybe next year I will talk to her in advance about making a backup plan for just me and her, in case the 'rents are pitching fits, and ask how I can support her to be less stressed.
You are doing some great planning for the future.
As another poster said, If you miss your sister plan some low key things that the two of you can do together.
My sister lives out of state and we used to have lunch at a quirky little "bistro type" restaurant each time that I visited. Just me and sis, no children, no spouses, it was great. I have many fond memories of that little restaurant and spending a quiet hour or two with my sister during each trip.
It doesn't have to be fancy or elaborate, maybe just planning to meet for brunch or coffee or to grab a movie together. Or just make popcorn and watch a funny DVD at her house, with plenty of time to pause the show and just laugh and joke together.
Do you share some type of hobby? I have a lot of friends who get together for scrapbook or card making evenings---or maybe it is just to drink lots of wine and to share stories.
BTW You don't have to celebrate Christmas on December 25. For about 35 years my brothers and sister and I have celebrated "Last Name Christmas" whenever the four of us could get together, in 2013 it was in June and in 2012 it was in August. Why have all the stress of doing it in December? And having a cook-out is a lot easier than roasting a turkey and planning all of those side dishes.
It would be kind of hard to deal with this situation. It is a no win for sure.
One thought I do have.. How about printing this thread and sending it to all parties involved??
I'm thinking that maybe next year I will talk to her in advance about making a backup plan for just me and her, in case the 'rents are pitching fits, and ask how I can support her to be less stressed.
This comment is a prime indication that you aren't able to set any sort of boundaries to protect yourself. You and your sister should not be the BACK UP plan. Just be the plan.
You've gotten some teriffic advice and I think you've made some decisions for yourself. But I wanted to say that maybe you and your sister should make some plans for just you two and leave your parents out of it. Don't include them at all, no matter what it is - birthdays, holidays, just be the two of you. See your parents individually when it works for each of you, without the fuss or stress of a holiday.
Just eat or freeze the food and enjoy it later. Since your whole family appears to incredibly flaky, I'd tell each and every one that I didn't appreciate being stood up. Tell them you're done with it.
What is it about Christmas that makes people believe they all have to get together on a certain day at a certain time to do certain things every darn year? It's a little ridiculous when you think about it, isn't it?
If you and your sister feel that you still want to see this ungracious bunch of self-centered misanthropes, pick another holiday where you get a three day weekend, skip the presents, and insist everyone bring a dish to eat. Screw Christmas.
Lotta threads this week about families and holiday drama. This is mine :/.
My parents have been divorced for 30 years, but we still do holidays together -- parents, me, sib, and whoever anyone happens to be dating or married to.
My dad has issues, and every year declares that he will not be coming to xmas dinner, for one reason or another. Most years, he does end up coming and we all have a good time. Mom also has massive issues about holidays. Sib and I work hard to keep everyone calm, and we do all the planning, cooking, etc. while they are busy freaking out.
This year, we were to have dinner at my place. I have been preparing food, cleaning, etc. Dad was doing ok, but someone in the family got him all stirred up again. In an unexpectd twist, mom has announced that she will go to his house for dinner with him and his wife. Sibling and I were not invited. The stress has caused a flare up of sib's chronic illness, so sibis not up for any interaction. Suddenly I have a fridge full of food and no guests. My friends all have their own families. This is especially harsh on me due to some life-altering (in the bad way) news I got this week, which I won't go into for privacy reasons, but you get the gist.
I know my family, and I know what is going to happen next. In a few days or a week, mom and dad will be over their holiday crises and will want to have a family dinner and exchange gifts. Maybe on new years, or just any random day when everyone is available.
In the past, when mom and dad act out like this and then want to be back to normal afterwards, my sibling and I go along with it, ignore the past, and we all have a pretty fun evening. But really, I feel this is rewarding bad behaviour. There are no consequences.
This is something I am trying to work on in my life as a whole right now -- a new years resolution, if you will -- not letting things slide, letting there be consequences.
But it is not something I am skilled at: How would I do it, here? Refuse to do gifts? They wouldn't care. They are not materially oriented, either of them. Something else? I don't want to pretend that everything is ok, but I am not sure what else to do.
Well, you're not trying to do something positive for you, are you? You're just trying to get back at them in some passive aggressive way.
If you don't like the behavior, don't expose yourself to it. Don't have them over again, and just leave it alone. Problem solved. Any more than that and you are contributing to/creating the drama yourself.
Lotta threads this week about families and holiday drama. This is mine :/.
My parents have been divorced for 30 years, but we still do holidays together -- parents, me, sib, and whoever anyone happens to be dating or married to.
My dad has issues, and every year declares that he will not be coming to xmas dinner, for one reason or another. Most years, he does end up coming and we all have a good time. Mom also has massive issues about holidays. Sib and I work hard to keep everyone calm, and we do all the planning, cooking, etc. while they are busy freaking out.
This year, we were to have dinner at my place. I have been preparing food, cleaning, etc. Dad was doing ok, but someone in the family got him all stirred up again. In an unexpectd twist, mom has announced that she will go to his house for dinner with him and his wife. Sibling and I were not invited. The stress has caused a flare up of sib's chronic illness, so sibis not up for any interaction. Suddenly I have a fridge full of food and no guests. My friends all have their own families. This is especially harsh on me due to some life-altering (in the bad way) news I got this week, which I won't go into for privacy reasons, but you get the gist.
I know my family, and I know what is going to happen next. In a few days or a week, mom and dad will be over their holiday crises and will want to have a family dinner and exchange gifts. Maybe on new years, or just any random day when everyone is available.
In the past, when mom and dad act out like this and then want to be back to normal afterwards, my sibling and I go along with it, ignore the past, and we all have a pretty fun evening. But really, I feel this is rewarding bad behaviour. There are no consequences.
This is something I am trying to work on in my life as a whole right now -- a new years resolution, if you will -- not letting things slide, letting there be consequences.
But it is not something I am skilled at: How would I do it, here? Refuse to do gifts? They wouldn't care. They are not materially oriented, either of them. Something else? I don't want to pretend that everything is ok, but I am not sure what else to do.
It sounds like a bunch of kids that haven't grown yet.
How would I handle, I would tell all of them either to act like adults and stop their squabbling or I do not want you in my house or me in your houses unless you act like adults.
Simple.
1. "I usually get home from work around 6, so if you want to stop by some evening and exchange gifts, anytime after 6 should work most nights." No need to be spiteful about it, but I wouldn't go so much as one extra inch to accommodate them, either. If they want to stop over, fine. if they don't, they don't.
2. I'd never invite them for the holidays again, and if they asked why, I'd tell them it's because I don't see the point in going to all that trouble and putting myself through the stress when they're probably not even going to bother showing up. If they're going to act like people who can not be counted on, there's nothing to do but treat them like people who can't be counted on.
Good luck with this. And best wishes on whatever the other issue is that was weighing on your mind this week.
I agree with this one
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How about printing this thread and sending it to all parties involved??
You and your sister should not be the BACK UP plan. Just be the plan.
