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Lotta threads this week about families and holiday drama. This is mine :/.
My parents have been divorced for 30 years, but we still do holidays together -- parents, me, sib, and whoever anyone happens to be dating or married to.
My dad has issues, and every year declares that he will not be coming to xmas dinner, for one reason or another. Most years, he does end up coming and we all have a good time. Mom also has massive issues about holidays. Sib and I work hard to keep everyone calm, and we do all the planning, cooking, etc. while they are busy freaking out.
This year, we were to have dinner at my place. I have been preparing food, cleaning, etc. Dad was doing ok, but someone in the family got him all stirred up again. In an unexpectd twist, mom has announced that she will go to his house for dinner with him and his wife. Sibling and I were not invited. The stress has caused a flare up of sib's chronic illness, so sibis not up for any interaction. Suddenly I have a fridge full of food and no guests. My friends all have their own families. This is especially harsh on me due to some life-altering (in the bad way) news I got this week, which I won't go into for privacy reasons, but you get the gist.
I know my family, and I know what is going to happen next. In a few days or a week, mom and dad will be over their holiday crises and will want to have a family dinner and exchange gifts. Maybe on new years, or just any random day when everyone is available.
In the past, when mom and dad act out like this and then want to be back to normal afterwards, my sibling and I go along with it, ignore the past, and we all have a pretty fun evening. But really, I feel this is rewarding bad behaviour. There are no consequences.
This is something I am trying to work on in my life as a whole right now -- a new years resolution, if you will -- not letting things slide, letting there be consequences.
But it is not something I am skilled at: How would I do it, here? Refuse to do gifts? They wouldn't care. They are not materially oriented, either of them. Something else? I don't want to pretend that everything is ok, but I am not sure what else to do.
I'd be pretty hot under the collar in this situation.
I would tell them the family and I are really busy for the next couple months and you'll let them know when your free. Or, have them drop off the presents if there is no chance of them trying to hang out.
I think it is horribly rude that you were to prepare dinner and they went and did that.
You and your sib (and respective spouses/kids) get together, have a great time, and have a toast to not rewarding drama.
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Mrs. Chows dad is a jagoff a lot of the time. He can be fine one minute and then go off the next second. Most of the time he goes off on food servers or bartenders.
He like to drink martini's, gin ones, and he can be extremely rude and starts to act like an azzhole when they ask what brand of vodka he would prefer. This cause him to go into his rants about how real martini's are made with gin blah blah blah.
He also likes to order his drinks like he thinks he's in some kind of 40's era gumshoe detective movie a la Humphrey Bogart.
"I'll have my gin marini standing straight up and hold the fruit"
Of course half the time the person taking the order doesn't' have a friggin clue with this means, and again the diatribes come forth. I usually interrupt and tell the server no olives in the drink to try and smooth things over.
What is our solution..... try to limit how often we see him and remember he's an old dude and won't be around all that much longer......
Lotta threads this week about families and holiday drama. This is mine :/.
I know my family, and I know what is going to happen next. In a few days or a week, mom and dad will be over their holiday crises and will want to have a family dinner and exchange gifts. Maybe on new years, or just any random day when everyone is available.
In the past, when mom and dad act out like this and then want to be back to normal afterwards, my sibling and I go along with it, ignore the past, and we all have a pretty fun evening. But really, I feel this is rewarding bad behaviour. There are no consequences.
This is something I am trying to work on in my life as a whole right now -- a new years resolution, if you will -- not letting things slide, letting there be consequences.
But it is not something I am skilled at: How would I do it, here? Refuse to do gifts? They wouldn't care. They are not materially oriented, either of them. Something else? I don't want to pretend that everything is ok, but I am not sure what else to do.
I think you are on the right track. First, I'm sorry to hear about your life-altering event whatever it is. It seems your instinct is circle your wagons, marshal your forces and batten down the hatches. Times of crisis can clarify things in a unique way. Clearly that needs to be your first priority!
It isn't really necessary to think of this as finding some way to 'punish' your parents for their rather bizarre behavior. Create whatever boundaries you need for YOURSELF, whatever is best for you right now, and stick with them.
Eh just don't be available for a while.I agree you don't need to punish them for their thoughtlessness but OTOH you also don't need to encourage them to continue treating you like a doormat. They are all probably just so wrapped up in their own problems that they don't realize how awful they are being.
But really, I feel this is rewarding bad behaviour. There are no consequences.
This is something I am trying to work on in my life as a whole right now -- a new years resolution, if you will -- not letting things slide, letting there be consequences.
But it is not something I am skilled at: How would I do it, here? Refuse to do gifts? They wouldn't care. They are not materially oriented, either of them. Something else? I don't want to pretend that everything is ok, but I am not sure what else to do.
You're talking like your parents are toddlers that you need to train.
They won't change their ways. Don't waste time and effort worrying about consequences and rewards in regard to them. Do what works best for you and let the chips fall where they may.
You're talking like your parents are toddlers that you need to train.
They won't change their ways. Don't waste time and effort worrying about consequences and rewards in regard to them. Do what works best for you and let the chips fall where they may.
Kind of what I was also thinking, people get pretty set in their ways at that age, I doubt there's much point in trying...
This year, we were to have dinner at my place. I have been preparing food, cleaning, etc. Dad was doing ok, but someone in the family got him all stirred up again. In an unexpectd twist, mom has announced that she will go to his house for dinner with him and his wife. Sibling and I were not invited. The stress has caused a flare up of sib's chronic illness, so sibis not up for any interaction. Suddenly I have a fridge full of food and no guests. My friends all have their own families. This is especially harsh on me due to some life-altering (in the bad way) news I got this week, which I won't go into for privacy reasons, but you get the gist.
All this stress and drama over a single meal? Perhaps a better New Years resolution might be - don't sweat the small stuff!
You would have had to clean your home at some point anyway. It seems crazy to me that your sibling couldn't come for Christmas dinner because she became stressed out to the point of illness at the knowledge that your parents wouldn't be coming to dinner as well.
In future, in similar circumstances, ensure you're not stuck with a fridge full of food that you can't eat alone or that cannot be frozen. In other words, don't go to so much trouble. Refuse also to get sucked into your parents' drama. That's their problem.
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