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I answered 4 but none of them live in my area now. I recently moved to a new state and this is a tender subject right now for me.
At 55+ it has been very hard to break into a new community where everyone has lived all of their lives surrounded by family members and social networks forged over a lifetime. I've met some potential candidates but they really don't seem to have time for, want or need another friend. Nothing seems to gel. I see groups of women my age at the local coffee shop and wonder how that happens. I've never been in those groups.
If the criteria would be who would take my call at three am, except for my husband, I'd have to answer zero. Since he has been away for most of the summer I feel the lack of a good friend intensely. Both my DH and I are very open and giving but we excite no interest. It's very frustrating at times.
Me too, Cathy! I try not to take it personally. To me it seems insane that someone wouldn't be open to making a new friend. What a gift to be offering people---an interest in getting to know them and "auditioning" to become friends. But it seems that most people don't appreciate the value of this----they seem to be content even when they have a limited number of friends whom they seldom see! They seem to perceive making and maintaining new friendships as more trouble than it's worth. So I've begun to see it more as a failing/limitation on their part and not on my mine. I hold out hope for the rare individuals who do see friendship as a meaningful part of life and one that may want to pursue (they ARE out there, few and far between).
What is really strange to me is the websites where women go to see if they can match up with some friends. I've met some of these women and we had a reasonably good meeting over a cup of coffee, but most didn't seem to want to pursue it further. Some didn't even want to meet for the first time! I found it odd since at one point, even a week earlier, they had posted a profile of themselves and stated the wish to meet new people and make new friends....It's almost like they were just feeling lonely right then and there when they posted their profile, but a week later, it was business as usual---and they had no interest anymore. And maybe a lot of people like the idea of friends in theory but don't like the actuality of another human being.
It's hard to compete with the always-available entertainment of electronic devices. I will be the first admit I may not be the most exciting person in the world (for example, I don't travel and can't talk about that. I watch movies, but at home, so I am always six months behind and can't discuss the latest movies), but feel I have much to offer (good listener, some quirky ideas for stuff to do, open top all types of people, etc.).
And sometimes I feel envious when I see groups of women together at a coffee shop, but then I think about what the dynamics can be in a small group and realize I am happier, especially as an introvert, with one-on-one interactions.
Continue to stay open and put yourself out there, even when most of your efforts are unsuccessful. I've participated in a lot of Meetup groups in the hopes of developing some friendships...and have actually made a few close friends, one of which is coming over for dinner tomorrow.
I thought about what makes my friends different from other people especially those who do not have friends. One difference is that they do not consider openness and giving as an automatic sign of friendship.
Elyn, this intrigues me. Can you expound upon this? It goes against what old-fashioned advice has been, like "to make a friend, you must be a friend." What do they see as being an automatic sign of friendship, if not openness and giving? Doesn't each individual have to at least be open to and interested in the other person? Perhaps you don't have to be extremely giving from the get-go as that could set a precedent where the other person just expects you to be giving to them, like doing 98% of the work to develop and maintain the relationship (believe me, I've been there).
Elyn, this intrigues me. Can you expound upon this? It goes against what old-fashioned advice has been, like "to make a friend, you must be a friend." What do they see as being an automatic sign of friendship, if not openness and giving? Doesn't each individual have to at least be open to and interested in the other person? Perhaps you don't have to be extremely giving from the get-go as that could set a precedent where the other person just expects you to be giving to them, like doing 98% of the work to develop and maintain the relationship (believe me, I've been there).
So how did your friendships develop?
Thank you for your interest in my post, jazzcat22.
Yes, you got it.
Being open and giving is viewed more as a gift (being civil I guess) and it is something with no strings attached as well as something that can be rejected. We all had to be okay with rejection.
ETA - some view being "nice" as a social strategy.
I have two good friends 3600 miles away in AK. I have a very dear friend in AZ that has such a bad case of CFS that she can't take calls any more so it's a few emails here and there and I don't dare burden her with anything that would be a downer now. I have another dear old friend in SC but the distance over the years has changed the nature of the relationship.
I tend to have only a couple of people that are good friends at a time, those I confide in, spend quality time with. I'm okay with that.
I have my husband who is my best friend. My family expects things from me, not to give back, a lifelong pattern that I've learned to accept. It is what it is. Sadly DH's family is the same.
It's the moving to a new community that has been difficult. I'm feeling it more keenly now that my DH has been away since late spring to sell our AK house. Fortunately he's on the road homeward bound now.
I'm probably obtuse but elyn02 are you saying to not be so giving in the beginning? I've read your response several times but it might as well be in Greek. Spell it out for the dunce from AK.
I said 5-9 close ones. Like we are in each other's weddings and have known each other since we are 3 type of people but there are a lot more people I hang out with and that reach out to me. I'm pretty selective as life is busy and I have to focus on other areas in life at the moment. I'm open to more friends of course but don't have a lot of time to pour into a friendship, I just let things happen organically and that seems to work.
I put 5-9. My criteria? Anyone who is not related to me that I can call at 2am, stranded on the side of the road; and within an hour's drive will come and get me.
Otherwise, I easily have up to 20 "casual" friends. That is, friends I care about and who care about me. We don't see each other a lot or even speak a lot. But when we do...it's like we never lost contact.
Then, I'd say I know more than 20 "LinkedIn" acquaintances/networking people who I respect and like. I'd never just call them to say "hi." Rather, I keep in touch for business purposes.
I used to by shy. But that didn't hinder me from making friends. So as far as personality goes, I'm not convinced shyness counts against anyone. Major personality traits that I think might affect the number and quality of friends one has:
I disagree unless you mean that folks with these traits tend to have lots of friends.
I knew a lady that had most of those traits that was also "exciting" and very good looking that had a gazillion friends that she would sell out or sleep with their husbands if it suited her and yet they just kept coming to be her friend. I just didn't get it. I still don't. My socialite sister tends to make friends with these types because she finds them intriguing and fun. Me, I'm repelled by them.
That same socialite sister can be terribly insensitive, cruel and cutting with her remarks to people to put or keep them in their place and yet seems to have no problem with friends.
Yes I'm sure that people that can't ever make friends have character or mental issues but I think the vast majority of folks that have trouble making new friends (especially older folks) are socially isolated, shy, plain, unexciting, sensitive to a fault, nerdy, hesitant to bother or ask anything of anyone.
I am probably too basic to excite anyone needing that in a friend. FWIW.
If I see someone with the above traits walking toward me, I turn and go the other way.
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