Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Having a close "friend" one doesn't cling like this. Waiting to see him, hear from him, text him. This is just not normal. I have many friends and I don't obsess about them like this. I can't imagine having this compulsion about the guy. Makes absolutely no sense.
Oh, I thank him and tell him how much I appreciate him A LOT. Those times where I think he should do more for me are normally in times where I'm very stressed with something or when he's much busier than normal (which is still pretty darn busy). I focus a lot on how I feel about him in the moment, but I realized recently that I can't do that. A friendship is based upon *everything* that has gone on between us not just in the past week or 24-hours. I'm working on that because, you're right, it does make me sound rather selfish.
And believe me, those are the times where he loses his cool. And who wouldn't? Thinking about it, how would I feel if he told *me* that I wasn't there enough for him, didn't talk to him enough, or do enough for him? Honestly, I would would be furious. That must be how he feels when that happens. After times like that, it's not uncommon for us to go a week or two without speaking (while I self-reflect, apologize profusely, maybe even hand write him a detailed explanation of my behavior and how I can go about changing it). And like I've said, we always make up and things are better there after. Also, it's not like this happens often. We've really only gotten into two serious enough fights where we didn't speak to each other for a little while afterwards. But even when we fight or have disagreements, my feelings for him don't change. I still love my friend unconditionally.
You sound awfully codependent. I think you should find more friends....being so dependent upon just on person is draining on that person. You are being very self-centered, and really should develop some coping skills and network with others, not just one person.
I agree with the person that suggested a support group for people who have family members dealing with cancer. You are not being fair leaning so much on this man that you get upset when he is too busy to respond to your neediness.
True friendship is mutually supportive. You seem to be manipulating him. He sounds very caring, and he might be worried about your emotions because of what you are dealing with and too nice to let you know. What will you do if he involves himself in a romantic relationship with someone. Someone else said it, stop this clingy behavior, it is not healthy.
I couldn't agree more. In fact I thought your screen name was Captain Code, short for codependent, and I'm not trying to be smart, it just read like that to me. You need to see this for yourself. Try reading some codependent books and see if it doesn't describe how you feel. This is a good one to start with:
Awakening Hope. A Developmental, Behavioral, Biological Approach to Codependency Treatment.
– June 8, 2011
by Mary Crocker Cook
Working definition of Codependency:
At its heart, Codependency is a set of behaviors developed to manage the anxiety that comes when our primary attachments are formed with people who are inconsistent or unavailable in their response to us. Our anxiety-based responses to life can include over-reactivity, image management, unrealistic beliefs about our limits, and attempts to control the reality of others to the point where we lose our boundaries, self-esteem, and even our own reality. Ultimately, Codependency is a chronic stress disease, which can devastate our immune system and lead to systemic and even life-threatening illness.
I might have times where I'm a little codependent, but the post that was quoted above by Jan, refers to very rare instances. Like no more than a few times a year. And they hardly ever blow up like that (actually, there was only one instance when that happened a couple years ago). And there has only been one time in my four years of knowing him that I got very angry and blew up about it with him. When I do get "codependent", normally, I calmly talk the issue through with him. For the most part I think we have a stable relationship. My world does not revolve around him. I have my own life, but just enjoy talking to and hanging out with him.
We are mutually supportive of each other. I support him all the time and he does the same for me (in more ways than just my grandmothers and mother).
When I say he's busy, think about how busy celebrities are, for example. He often is away from home from 8am to 11pm at night; working on 2-3 separate projects at the same time. He's normally only home to sleep or work (as he does some work from home). Think about how many friends a celebrity has. Do you think they have time to text first to all of their friends? He's not a major celebrity (but kind of is in my town), but that's not the reason we're friends. I'm not friends with him for his social status. I'm friends with him for the person he is.
As I've also said, when we were on vacation with our group, we talked all the time, and he enjoyed my company when we'd sit together at dinner. Therefore, one must conclude that it is purely his busyness that keeps him too busy to hang out and talk too much. And think about it, he has probably 20 friends a day who probably try to contact him to chat or hang out and he's keeping this incredibly busy schedule.
Also, for his sanity, don't you think he would've told me to get lost by now if he didn't want me around or if he found me obsessive, annoying, clingy, or codependent? He's incredibly smart, and has so many other friends, if he didn't want to invest in me, he would've gotten rid of me and saved himself the mental torture (and wouldn't have batted an eyelash over it as one of his other friends would've filled the space immediately). I asked him once if I was clingy, and he told me "no, the only time you are is when you say something's wrong with the friendship." We've been friends for four years, and have been chatting pretty much daily for two of those years. Even the nicest guy in the world would not put up with the mental and emotional strain of a clingy person. From most of these posts, most of you have little tolerance for clingy behavior. Why would you expect him to want to live under that by choice when you certainly couldn't?
Since you asked the original question you know there is a problem. You really should try reading some books on codependency, it might enlighten you. It's not always what one thinks it is. You are truly enamored of this man and it sounds like a teen crush on a pop star, just enthralled with his very word and presence. What exactly does he do that he attracts throngs of people like this that keeps him so busy?
No, there's no problem with being friends with someone who's twice my age. That was the question I asked. People then started saying I was clingy and obsessed which I wanted to disprove, but people will see what they want to I suppose. Even when my friend tells me otherwise. I read the excerpts on amazon and did more research online about it. I even took a few tests online to see. Codependency doesn't describe me at all. I may have *moments* but overall have a healthy view on the relationship.
He's very charismatic and funny, and if he considers you a dear friend he is extremely loyal. Also, many of his close friends have been frustrated with his lack of contact or him not texting first. Most have gotten in several fights with him. It's just part of being close friends with him. He's been hurt many times by people that won't take the effort to talk to or hang out with him. Work keeps him so incredibly busy. With his status too, he works on so many jobs at one time. He is the very definition of burning the candle at both ends. It is impossible for him to have a significant other or even a pet because he is so busy.
Well you have made up your mind but the question was "Is it wrong to have a friend who is 25 years older than me?" and my answer is yes. But what is he so busy doing? It's not normal for people to get in fights about a persons attentiveness as "just being part of close friends". Honestly the more you explain the worse it gets. But so be it, this is what you want and need for some reason. Try reading an entire book before you discard the idea. Good luck.
No, it is not wrong, but it is very obvious to the objective reader that you have a crush on this guy and he does not have one on you. You need to pull back for a while, take a break....develop some other friendships.
And, as others have said, if he would NEVER contact you without you going first, then he is not a true friend of yours.
No, there's no problem with being friends with someone who's twice my age. That was the question I asked.
Sorry to beat a dead horse but you've repeatedly insisted he's your ~~best friend~~.
It's ok that's he's one friend among many. But seriously, if you think he's the BEST you can do, it's way past time to seek professional therapy.
Okay, for the last time, I do not have a crush on him. He's the same age as my dad and he's gay, so there is absolutely no chance for anything, nor would I or he want it. He's just a close friend. And when I say "best friend" perhaps a better term would be "closest friend to me at this time". And believe me, I try at other relationships with people. I try really hard, but this guy just has been there the most to talk to and support me when I need it, so he's "the closest friend I have." Not that I don't talk to or hang out with other people. He's just my favorite friend. Don't any of you have a favorite friend? One that you go to first with problems or to tell them something exciting? That's this guy to me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
