Is it wrong to have a friend who is 25 years older than me? (present, introverted)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think it's the opposite, younger folks need to have older friends. Because grown adults do not need young friends. Younger folks may have newer ideas or thinking but in the end it's all about priorities.
Do I enjoy talking to younger people? Sure but not always because I can pick out flaws in their beliefs and thinking patterns right away. It makes it difficult to retain friendships.
Have I learned anything from younger folks today? No, not really. I've seen it all and what young adults do today is just a cycle, nothing has changed that much except kids grow at an accelerated pace and I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Bigger bodies but still fragile young undeveloped mind, dangerous combo.
You're very judgmental. It wouldn't cross my mind to analyze someone like that no matter what age they are.
I'd like to have younger friends but I cannot connect with them. But that goes with people of all ages as I haven't made a new real life friend in 23 years.
Then it's likely he won't contact me at all. I know many of his other friends have to invite him to hang out and have to talk to him first because he spreads himself so thin and is friends with SO many other people. He's incredibly popular, so I'm sure he only talks to people if they talk to him first.
this is a red flag and it should tell you something . Maybe he is keeping his distance because he thinks a friendship /relationship with you is inappropriate to say the least and maybe he does not want to pursue a friendship / relationship with you period .
I felt the same thing when I was 19 years old and he was 42 years old. I ended up living with him for three years and married to him for 35 years. He was a great man and I miss him dearly.
Then it's likely he won't contact me at all. I know many of his other friends have to invite him to hang out and have to talk to him first because he spreads himself so thin and is friends with SO many other people. He's incredibly popular, so I'm sure he only talks to people if they talk to him first.
Hi OP. I have to agree with everyone who says that what you wrote above should be a cause for concern. One "universal truth" that I'm pretty adamant about is that "People make time for things and people that they truly care about". I really believe that that is an absolute truth.
Are there times in life where you are much busier than usual, where carving out time to check in may be difficult? Absolutely! But even the busiest person on the planet has 10 seconds to type out a "Just saying hi/thinking of you" text, or to squeeze in (initiate) a 5 minute call while driving from point A to point B.
If HE NEVER would contact you at all unless you initiated it, then you have to at least question how important your friendship is to him. I reach out to my best friend because I'm genuinely concerned with what's going in her life, how she's doing, to share things with her, laugh, etc. She does the same to me!
Question to ponder - if he actually does have time to chat with you WHEN YOU INITIATE (I assume you talk somewhat regularly), or meet up with you as you mentioned, then he does have SOME time available. Why doesn't he use some of his time to initiate contact with you?
OP, your relationship with this older man is not weird.....as long as it's kept in the right context and that context is having him as a "mentor". I think it's probably best that he's so "popular" with everyone and his interaction with you is "reactionary", rather than one-on-one and up-close-and-personal, i.e. "kissing close".
Regarding your sister, meh, she's probably concerned you'll let this relationship become a romantic obsession. IIRC, you have stated in your replies here that you worry about that but won't let it "go there". Good for you. What does your Mother have to say about this whole situation? Or is that way, way under her radar at this time?
During your mentor's three week vacation, see if you can go without initiating "conversations" with him and only respond to him over FB. It'll give you a good chance to see if you can step back and wean yourself of your consuming reliance on him.
Now....................tell us all about the young men who you know and how you're relating to them. You mention in your OP, around where you responded to your sister, that you have young friends. Are you dating anyone? Anyone want to date you? Any platonic guy friends your own age? How about gal friends? What do you do together with your friends and how often? My concern is that you are focusing on the relationship with your mentor to the exclusion of relationships with other people, whether around your age or not.
As I read all your posts, I kept thinking, "What she's getting from her mentor are the things that a significant other (SO) could be providing." And you wouldn't have to compete with "the world" for the attention and support of your SO as you would be his focus and he would be yours. Once you find that "special someone" (gawd, I'm going Hallmark here ) you'll see that person grow in importance in your life and your "mentor" will correspondingly fade.
OP, your relationship with this older man is not weird.....as long as it's kept in the right context and that context is having him as a "mentor". I think it's probably best that he's so "popular" with everyone and his interaction with you is "reactionary", rather than one-on-one and up-close-and-personal, i.e. "kissing close".
Regarding your sister, meh, she's probably concerned you'll let this relationship become a romantic obsession. IIRC, you have stated in your replies here that you worry about that but won't let it "go there". Good for you. What does your Mother have to say about this whole situation? Or is that way, way under her radar at this time?
During your mentor's three week vacation, see if you can go without initiating "conversations" with him and only respond to him over FB. It'll give you a good chance to see if you can step back and wean yourself of your consuming reliance on him.
Now....................tell us all about the young men who you know and how you're relating to them. You mention in your OP, around where you responded to your sister, that you have young friends. Are you dating anyone? Anyone want to date you? Any platonic guy friends your own age? How about gal friends? What do you do together with your friends and how often? My concern is that you are focusing on the relationship with your mentor to the exclusion of relationships with other people, whether around your age or not.
As I read all your posts, I kept thinking, "What she's getting from her mentor are the things that a significant other (SO) could be providing." And you wouldn't have to compete with "the world" for the attention and support of your SO as you would be his focus and he would be yours. Once you find that "special someone" (gawd, I'm going Hallmark here ) you'll see that person grow in importance in your life and your "mentor" will correspondingly fade.
Wadda ya t'ink, Captain?
What a load of nonsense is what I think.
You make it sound like a younger person will come down with a disease getting closer to an older person, like it's terribly wrong to do so. I'd like to know, why is that? Unfortunately for some like yourself this is typical - use the older person for advice and discard them when you are through, even as a friend.
That "special someone" in ones own age group may never be found.
Adults have the freedom to decide for themselves who they want to be involved with romantically, or who they want as a permanent friend. You do realize that the chances of getting together with someone your own age doesn't always mean happily ever after. There is a great chance that it's not going to work out on any level or age group. People break up all the time and not just the estimated
40 - 50% divorce rate. Just maybe the older person could give the younger person the best years of their life. That is for the adults to decide as individuals. It doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No big deal, just like other couples that break up. You move on....
You make it sound like a younger person will come down with a disease getting closer to an older person, like it's terribly wrong to do so. I'd like to know, why is that? Unfortunately for some like yourself this is typical - use the older person for advice and discard them when you are through, even as a friend.
What a load of nonsense. You're reading too much into my comment. "...disease..."? Huh? "...for some like [me] this is typical..."? Don't generalize, John. Nowhere did I use the word "discard". Are you referring to my last sentence about "fading"? If so, I wrote "fade", NOT "disappear". Personal contact of people by people fades, or even disappears, all the time as they meet new people and develop relationships - some platonic, some romantic. It's a part of the human social fabric. No one can stay totally connected with everyone in their life.
I enjoy speaking with older folks but it's only for short conversations since I have no other regular contact. Both my parents have passed so no contact there. I spoke with an 80 year old woman in the grocery store checkout line just a couple of days ago. She was happy and healthy and her only complaint was that her 80 year old husband was too active, working around the house and "cutting down trees". It was a joy to speak with her. We shared some laughs and I felt great sharing some good humor. I honor and respect older folks. I consider them "living breathing time machines". You're way off base here on me, John.
That "special someone" in ones own age group may never be found.
Ummmmm, OK. That "special someone" doesn't have to be in one's own age group. I didn't write that. And yes, they may never be found and that would be sad. I've been married over 32 years and have known my wife for almost 36 and I'm still excited about her and our life together. She's older than me too...........by 8 months. Any bonus points for me, John?
Adults have the freedom to decide for themselves who they want to be involved with romantically, or who they want as a permanent friend. You do realize that the chances of getting together with someone your own age doesn't always mean happily ever after. There is a great chance that it's not going to work out on any level or age group. People break up all the time and not just the estimated 40 - 50% divorce rate. Just maybe the older person could give the younger person the best years of their life. That is for the adults to decide as individuals. It doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No big deal, just like other couples that break up. You move on....
I never wrote anything about CC limiting herself to her own age group (whatever that means. What does that mean to you, John?). The closest I may have come is to use the word, "young", which she is. Otherwise I agree with what you wrote.
John, thanks for the personalized response and the warm welcome to a new member.
I'm 57....and 4 days, not much younger than your 59. How old did you think I was? I'm happy, healthy, have a great wife and a great life and most of all..........optimism about my future. I actually bragged, out loud (but not at the top of my lungs), to several people in the grocery store (mentioned in an embedded comment above) a couple of days ago. Their response? Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!
I read your previous 3 posts on this thread and will keep those in mind as I reply to your reply. See my embedded comments to your quoted post and then continue below.
CC is obviously unhappy. If nothing changes in the situation she will remain unhappy. I wrote what I thought she could do to INCREASE her chances for happiness not GUARANTEE her happiness.
I'm rooting for CC (sorry CC, I couldn't find the emoticon with the animated pom poms). I want her to be happy and live a fulfilled life but she ain't goin' to get it with the current situation.
I didn't see any recommendations from you in your previous 3 posts but you seem to be kinda, sorta advocating a romantic connection. Can you be more explicit in your recommendation to CC to increase her chance for happiness? You know, like a mentor would do.
Let's wait and see CC's comments to my comments, if I'm so honored.
This "relationship" is wrong on so many levels and has so many red flags. Where is your father? This man must be a father substitute but is also becoming romantic on another level. Are you sexually involved with him at all yet? Your infatuation with him, his fights whatever level they are on is wrong, your neediness, his busyness, your sister sees this for what it is. I see nothing right with female male age difference relationship as you have described. I know many disagree with me, but I feel very strongly about this.
Back off, if he is true friend you don't have to cultivate it so much. If he loses interest or doesn't have time for you so much the better. Is he famous, rich, or influential that you feel left out? This is not healthy.
So much effort in this person is cutting you off from others that would be more beneficial in a real way, without the angst.
This "relationship" is wrong on so many levels and has so many red flags.Where is your father? This man must be a father substitute but is also becoming romantic on another level. Are you sexually involved with him at all yet? Your infatuation with him, his fights whatever level they are on is wrong, your neediness, his busyness, your sister sees this for what it is. I see nothing right with female male age difference relationship as you have described. I know many disagree with me, but I feel very strongly about this.
Back off, if he is true friend you don't have to cultivate it so much. If he loses interest or doesn't have time for you so much the better. Is he famous, rich, or influential that you feel left out? This is not healthy.
So much effort in this person is cutting you off from others that would be more beneficial in a real way, without the angst.
I'm sorry your Mom is going through cancer now.
What's it to you anyway? You seem very hostile to the idea and I'm curious as to why. Seems insulting to an adult making the decision, especially the "where's your father" part. That took some nerve.
As an adult she has the right to make that decision. The OP did express interest/thoughts to the idea and I don't see anything wrong with it, if it came to that. It's not like she is a teenager.
Most relationships do not work out anyway...
She asked for opinions. Sometimes peoples opinions don't agree with others. Not hostile just telling her I see big problems. There are some deep seated issues with this relationship, it's not the run of the mill friendship. Sorry you found it offensive. I knew most people wouldn't agree with me, but nonetheless I stand with what I said.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
) you'll see that person grow in importance in your life and your "mentor" will correspondingly fade.
You're reading too much into my comment. "...disease..."? Huh? "...for some like [me] this is typical..."? Don't generalize, John. Nowhere did I use the word "discard". Are you referring to my last sentence about "fading"? If so, I wrote "fade", NOT "disappear". Personal contact of people by people fades, or even disappears, all the time as they meet new people and develop relationships - some platonic, some romantic. It's a part of the human social fabric. No one can stay totally connected with everyone in their life.
