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I think you need to accept that BIL is not going to help and even if he tried, he probably won't be very helpful. Time to start building a new support network. I would first take responsibility for any misunderstandings or negative feelings and learn how to communicate expectations because using the word butthurt is childish and inconsiderate of the other's feelings.
Well, I certainly think you haven't shared the entire story. In Post 14, you described an interaction between your husband and your BIL. You never once mention your interaction with him and how the exact "fallout" occurred between the two of you.
That is the entire story. I met my brother-in-law once. The meeting was unmemorable. We interacted with smalltalk.
The falling-out occurred two days later when he phoned my husband to complain about the things I mentioned in post #14. Hence, the falling-out between myself and my BIL was entirely on his end and caused by him. My husband encouraged him to talk to me about this but he refused to. It wasn't a direct squabble we had over something. It was an indirect, inane, one-sided tirade that my BIL did.
That is the entire story. I met my brother-in-law once. The meeting was unmemorable. We interacted with smalltalk.
The falling-out occurred two days later when he phoned my husband to complain about the things I mentioned in post #14. Hence, the falling-out between myself and my BIL was entirely on his end and caused by him. My husband encouraged him to talk to me about this but he refused to. It wasn't a direct squabble we had over something. It was an indirect, inane, one-sided tirade that my BIL did.
That's not a falling out. That is a situation where you have never had a relationship with your BIL. You can't "fall out" if you were never in.
That's not a falling out. That is a situation where you have never had a relationship with your BIL. You can't "fall out" if you were never in.
Then a falling out is the wrong term to use. It was a mutual decision not to deal with one another.
I'm still not sure why he has such a lousy attitude towards my husband now, as his issues with me had nothing to do with my husband. Especially because yesterday, I was just the messenger.
Both guys seem to have issues. Looks like you haven't been married very long either?
Honestly, I would just get a divorce and go on with life. Or just don't get involved with his family.
I live with a Vietnam vet. I don't get involved with his family. It's like a big circus full of all kinds of monkeys. I do my thing and just keep the situation at home pleasant. He doesn't speak to them and he doesn't bring them up.
My husband’s brother and I had a falling out a year and a half ago. My husband has not really been in touch with his brother for most of this time. There was a brief period after the initial falling-out where my husband was asking his brother to at least talk to me and apologize, but he gave up on that shortly.
My husband is going down this combat PTSD rabbit hole of alcoholism and anger. He had me worried enough to contact, because they used to talk a lot. It started out pleasant. I sent him a Facebook message. “Hey, it’s been a while. How’s it going? We need to talk about your brother. I’m concerned about him.” “Hey what’s going on with him?”
I thought that maybe the man could put aside his butthurt for just a moment and reach out to his brother and tell him that despite their differences, he’s still there for him. But that’s giving him too much credit, because he just wanted to harp on about how I’m a bad influence on his brother and he hopes I never darken their doorstep again. Then he blocked me on Facebook. His immaturity would be really funny if not for the gravity of the situation.
I have pleasant but distant relationships with his mother and sister, as in I don’t talk to them or see them much.
The initial falling-out is dumb. I don’t think it’s important anymore. I get that my brother-in-law despises me (I don’t like him either), but he could at least pretend he gives a crap about his brother.
I'm trying not to let this ruin my day.
I find it best not to get involved. Me and my brother don't talk, but I think the jist of it is that we have different fathers. I never did have his respect, and he is the oldest of us three (him and my sister have a different father), there is also a twelve year gap between me and him, so there is a generational divide as well.
My wife, on occasion, feels that he should be the one to reach out to me since I am the youngest. I try here and there, and I often wonder if it is merely conversation that he is not capable of having, for whatever reason. From my experiences women ask why their mates relationships do not mirror those in their own family. My wife calls everyone in her immediate family, every single day. Then again she is from a small town where everyone is family. I can go weeks, if not months, without making contact. I'm not really sure which is normal, or if every family has their own thing.
The falling out may be dumb, but they have to fix that in their own time, and in their own way. Let them work it out; men don't necessarily need to hear that the other is still there for them. You can't make men communicate with each other. You can coax them, prod them, lead them to water but can't make them drink.
Forget the BIL. If he had a falling out with your husband over you looking like his ex-wife, I'm not sure there is much to be gained from trying to nurture a relationship here.
You have bigger fish to fry. Your husband is struggling with PTSD and alcoholism. Moving all over is making it difficult to get care.
Here's my advice.
1) Get a big dog, Newfie maybe or any big gentle dog that he can talk to wthout worrying about being judged, who he can go on walks with, sit on the sofa with and watch sports.
2) Find an EMDR therapist. EMDR has been used to successfully treat PTSC for several decades now. It is way better than meds, which is what he's likely to get at the VA.
"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories."
3) Make it clear on no uncertain terms that he needs to get help and get his ducks in a row, that you will support him as long as he's doing that, but you are not his Mama (though she sounds like no prize either) and you will not devote your life to his troubles. AAA, therapy, whatever it takes, you are not putting up with this forever.
He doesn't like me, and I don't like him either. Honestly, I don't really care if my husband's mother and sister are "barely tolerating" me or not. I haven't seen them in over a year, and I've barely spoken to them since.
The issue is about my brother-in-law and my husband. It has nothing to do with me.
Without taking a side, I think your brother-in-law is trying to use negative pressure on his brother as a way to boycott your presence in the family. In other words, "You don't get to see me until your wife is gone".
So it is related to your presence.
I think your brother-in-law may be traumatized by his experience with his ex-wife and is therefore hyper cautious of people now.
If you take into account that some people are going to be damaged to a certain extent by their past interactions, you can use that as a way to verbally acknowledge to your brother-in-law his hurt and assure him you have no such plans for his brother.
This way you don't have to apologize but you acknowledge his fears while addressing them as inaccurate in your case.
One tactic for dealing with potential hostile people is to acknowledge their side (even take their side) and try to address it in ways that will dampen their fears or concern.
The minute you assume a defensive position, you're almost giving them a reason to non-verbally conclude "Aha! You see! She's ready to fight! She IS an enemy!"
So if your goal is to get past your brother-in-laws fears and reestablish a connection between him and your husband, you might try acting as his ally and therapist in his cause.
The Buddhist Monk Ajahn Brahm talked about how he used such a tactic with a nasty old woman who would call up the monetary threatening to shoot the monks. She ended up telling him he was the only one who understood her and to whom she could talk to. Lol.
Last edited by Shankapotomus; 08-23-2014 at 09:32 AM..
Sorry to say, but if the problem with the brother-in-law is totally based on you looking like the "evil ex-wife"... plus the fact that your husband hasn't been talking to him for over a year, do you think he's the best person to help you help your husband? If you're all still "mad at" each other it might do more harm than good, I would guess.
Are his mother and/or sister willing to give you his new phone number? You don't have to explain why. If they insist, tell them the little bit you're comfortable sharing, or tell them you'll call back another time.
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