Mother wants me to move back to the Bay Area...so depressing (person, brother)
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There's a difference between feeling an obligation and actually having one.
You are living your life and she doesn't get to tell you to uproot yourself for her benefit.
x2
Parents can still wield a lot of influence whether you're 15, 35, or 55. Sometimes it can seem as if what comes out of a parent's mouth is the gospel and undisputable.
However that is rarely the case. I assume your mother would like to see you more often which is why she is applying pressure, but she's asking you to do something she isn't willing to do herself.
You need to live your own life. Lowering your own standard of living and/or putting yourself in a financial bind to satisfy your mother isn't a reasonable course of action for your own happiness.
Perhaps there could be a compromise, such as you visit her more often and/or she visits you more often.
In the end it sounds like the choice is living life on your own terms or living closer to your mother. It also sounds like you know what the right choice is for you. Besides, if you move to live closer to your mother but you're miserable, what benefit is that to anyone?
It occurs to me your mom may not be thinking so much of herself as she is of you. I have a good friend who was successful in her career. Not a millionaire or anything close to it but sounds about like you. Part of her job was traveling and that all sounded glamorous. She had lots of friends but never married until she was 56. She married someone who had been a friend, although not a boyfriend, for a few years. It was her first marriage.
A few years later her elderly mom told her she had never wanted to say anything before but she was so very very glad her daughter had married before she, the mom, died. She had been concerned for many years. She knew her daughter made a great living. Yet, as a mom, she wanted to know her daughter was taken care of and treasured as she had treasured her daughter. She was so glad to know her daughter had a husband and a married way of life and a family feeling where she lived at a distance. But all those years the mom never said anything to her daughter about getting married. Only afterwards was she able to express her concern.
I assume your mother would like to see you more often which is why she is applying pressure, but she's asking you to do something she isn't willing to do herself.
. . .
Perhaps there could be a compromise, such as you visit her more often and/or she visits you more often.
. . .
I absolutely agree with this. It sounds like she misses you and maybe more frequent visits would help. Set up some kind of regular schedule, so she knows when to expect you and can look forward to the time together.
Is she tech-savvy at all? Does she use a computer? You don't say how often you talk, but could you set up Skype or something similar, so that she could see you as well as have a phone conversation?
My wife and I are in our 80s. We raised our family in the Silicon Valley. We left because the smog was actually killing my wife and we moved to Oregon on her doctors recommendation. I was born in California. We moved to Montana due to a single daughter having health problems 8 years ago, and she passed away Memorial Day. We are trying to decide what to do for the rest of our lives. I have 2 sons in Oregon, one on the coast and one in Portland. Due to health problems I can't live in the humidity there, so we won't move to Oregon to be close to them. I have a son in Denver, but won't return to the front range as we had to leave due to the smog years ago. I have a son in South Dakota, but not acceptable for us to move there.
We have made the decision to stay in Montana. The house is really too big for us in a luxury 3,700 sq. ft 4 level without a basement on 5 acres with a barn. We have 3 chairlifts to move us up and down stairs, and a housekeeper comes in 3 days a week. But are having a hard time figuring to stay living in the biggest house in town, downsize where we are, or move to the biggest city in Montana and downsize. Our kids all want us to live near them, but we have ruled out that is not practical.
It is the reverse of what you are doing. We have reached the decision, we have to do what is best for the 2 of us. We are not going to move near any of the kids due to where they live. We love them, but have to decide what is best for us. You are in the reverse position that we are, and have to do as we have done. At your mothers age, when you get moved down near her, she and your father may very well be gone the next day. Then what? You have to determine what is best for you for the foreseeable future, and then live your life for yourself.
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"48 years in MD, 18 in NC"
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Location: Greenville, NC
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Just stay where you are. I moved from MD to NC 8 years ago. It caused a lot of bad blood between my mother and I. She was very resentful that I'd left her even though I still have 2 grown sisters within 20 minutes of where she lives. I had to do what I thought was best for my family. It worked out well for us.
5 years ago I had a life threatening event and it kinda woke her up that there was no point in being spiteful. It has been much better between us since then. Now she's telling me how unhappy she is where she lives now and how the town just isn't the same as it used to be. She's also talking about moving to Virginia which is halfway to where I am now. In a few more years she may be ready to join the rest of us here in NC. We'll see.
I have had similar discussions on completely different topics with my mom. She is about the same age. In the era my mom came from, women did not work at all. They did not have anything to do with personal finance. They kept up with current events from a huge, huge distance. "Oh the newsman says unemployment is up again! How sad for those people! Oh no! More violence in the Middle East! Why won't they just stop and have a nice lunch together to talk this over!" Men had stable jobs and owned houses, where wives cooked pot roast and raised children, who mowed the lawn. As a result, my mom does not understand the workplace, the entire concept of employment, or real estate. She thinks that anyone can get any job they want, anywhere they want, buy their dream home there, and work happily at the greatest job in the world with complete stability while living in this great house forever. And if they don't, then apparently they're just not applying themselves. She does not understand the concept of "corporate restructuring and downsizing," being a contract worker with no benefits, and the the whole concept that real estate prices actually fluctuate and vary based on location, being overqualified for some jobs, being underqualified for other jobs, etc. etc. I can attempt to explain all this stuff to her until I'm blue in the face. It is about like a Neurosurgery specialist trying to explain brain surgery to... someone like me. Oh sure, I understand the general concept. You cut someones head open and remove all the bad parts and keep the good parts. That means anyone should be able to do it, right?
So when discussing such things with my mom, I put my Mom Filter on and choose my words very carefully. Sometimes I think of how I'm going to explain things in advance. So I think perhaps if you pull up actual facts and figures, and perhaps visual aids, it might help. Like say, "my income here is this much, and my real estate investment is this much, while my income in the Bay area would amount to this much" and then create a simple bar graph. And yes, I do agree with the thought of meeting her halfway and just arranging to see her more often.
Im not sure what you're feeling guilty about. She wants you to move near her, from what you said it wouldnt make a bit of sense to do so. Sounds like she's doing perfectly fine where she's at. Lots easier to just visit her a few times a year than to uproot your life because you are letting her put a guilt trip on you.
I disagree with the statement that residents in and around SFO are toxic. The issue is that the community is booming because of the amount of innovation and that fact that the silicon valley was developed as a suburb, not a high density community. There just isn't enough housing to meet demand, and of course everyone wants a house on a large lot. The zoning basically reflects development in the 1970s when fruit farms were sold off. It is what it is.
I have had similar discussions on completely different topics with my mom. She is about the same age. In the era my mom came from, women did not work at all. They did not have anything to do with personal finance. They kept up with current events from a huge, huge distance. "Oh the newsman says unemployment is up again! How sad for those people! Oh no! More violence in the Middle East! Why won't they just stop and have a nice lunch together to talk this over!" Men had stable jobs and owned houses, where wives cooked pot roast and raised children, who mowed the lawn. As a result, my mom does not understand the workplace, the entire concept of employment, or real estate. She thinks that anyone can get any job they want, anywhere they want, buy their dream home there, and work happily at the greatest job in the world with complete stability while living in this great house forever. And if they don't, then apparently they're just not applying themselves. She does not understand the concept of "corporate restructuring and downsizing," being a contract worker with no benefits, and the the whole concept that real estate prices actually fluctuate and vary based on location, being overqualified for some jobs, being underqualified for other jobs, etc. etc. I can attempt to explain all this stuff to her until I'm blue in the face. It is about like a Neurosurgery specialist trying to explain brain surgery to... someone like me. Oh sure, I understand the general concept. You cut someones head open and remove all the bad parts and keep the good parts. That means anyone should be able to do it, right?
So when discussing such things with my mom, I put my Mom Filter on and choose my words very carefully. Sometimes I think of how I'm going to explain things in advance. So I think perhaps if you pull up actual facts and figures, and perhaps visual aids, it might help. Like say, "my income here is this much, and my real estate investment is this much, while my income in the Bay area would amount to this much" and then create a simple bar graph. And yes, I do agree with the thought of meeting her halfway and just arranging to see her more often.
True... but there are still some very successful couples where the wife is a full time mom and the father is the bread winner...
Around here they tend to be soccer moms... always scheduling the day, weeks and months around kids activities...
It's not totally impossible... just not as common.
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