Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My mother thinks I am a selfish sob for not moving to Florida to take care of her. This after I suffered horrendous physical abuse and psychological torture from her and my father. I took Nancy Reagan's advice and just say no. I am just getting to the point where I can say that I love myself and I just won't do that to myself. Hope that helps, good luck and God speed.
That's fantastic that you were able to rise above all of that. Well done.....you are an inspiration!
I know, it's just hard...and even she "says" I don't need to move back, she just keeps pushing the idea.
Then you need to be direct.
"Mom, I love you, but there is no way in Hell that I am going to move back to California. It just isn't going to happen, period. I have my reasons -- but those reasons are mine, and it doesn't matter what they are, because I am not negotiating with you on this. Have a nice day."
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,706 posts, read 41,862,320 times
Reputation: 41434
Quote:
Originally Posted by SportyandMisty
Then you need to be direct.
"Mom, I love you, but there is no way in Hell that I am going to move back to California. It just isn't going to happen, period. I have my reasons -- but those reasons are mine, and it doesn't matter what they are, because I am not negotiating with you on this. Have a nice day."
I love this. Simple, blunt, and down to the point.
"Mom, I love you, but there is no way in Hell that I am going to move back to California. It just isn't going to happen, period. I have my reasons -- but those reasons are mine, and it doesn't matter what they are, because I am not negotiating with you on this. Have a nice day."
By the way, the time came when I needed to move my aging mom from home - she is a woman of very limited financial means; my dad died when I was a kid, leaving behind a widow ill-prepared to be a head of household, me, a severely mentally retarded younger sister and a high-functioning autistic older brother.
The time came 10 years ago when the neighborhood she had been living in for decades was no longer safe - police helicopters over head with search lights, drug deals on the street, etc. One grandmotherly woman a block down opened her front door to wag her finger and scold a pre-teen who was tagging her mailbox; the kid pulled a gun & shot her. An abandoned car the next street over with a dead body in it. You get the idea.
I told her, "Mom, I'm moving you to XXX (the city where I live) because this place is no place for you to live. I'll be here with a rental truck next month." I did not ask her; I told her. "What in the world would I do there?" "Mom, you'll do exactly the same things you do here."
It has been the best thing for her & my older brother who lives with her. After settling in, it has been a breath of fresh air for them - they don't have to worry about break-ins and being mugged in the grocery store parking lot any more.
Nope, she has her big house, church group, yoga classes, volunteer activities and my father in assistant living. I plan on moving to a place that will have a guest house or additional bedroom for when she gets to that point, but she is not there yet.
Thankfully she is very active and healthy, and probably has the fitness of a 45 year old.
Then she doesn't need you to be there. You are entitled to live your life as you see fit. Simply tell her you are happy where you are. If she continues to press, just tell her you have built a life where you are and don't want to leave that any more than she would want to leave the area where she built hers, and that you're sorry, but the subject is closed.
Last edited by Lilac110; 09-04-2014 at 09:18 AM..
Reason: typo
"Mom, I love you, but there is no way in Hell that I am going to move back to California. It just isn't going to happen, period. I have my reasons -- but those reasons are mine, and it doesn't matter what they are, because I am not negotiating with you on this. Have a nice day."
Don't do it!!! Listen to yourself. You don't want to do it. You are dreading it. There is no reason for you to move back other than to relieve yourself of the undue burden of guilt your mother has bestowed onto you.
At one point, I did this. It was a big, BIG mistake. And believe me, your guilt will not be relieved. If anything, you will not be able to shake that horrible, horrible feeling that you threw away the life that was meant for you. You will feel even worse than you do now. Your mother is old, yes, but she has family nearby. There is nothing you can do for her by moving back that your brothers can't do or that you can't do remotely or during occasional trips back home. You moving back would have no real impact on your mom's welfare, believe me.
Like you, my mother has my brothers near by, but everyone still expected me to come home when my dad passed, which I did. BIG mistake.
There is nothing, NOTHING good that comes out of such a move. You know it in your heart that you don't want to do it. So don't do it -- no matter what your mom says. Look, you see the silly logic (or lack of logic) she uses to try to get you to go home? The earthquake? Honey, that ain't gonna do anything to NorCal home prices. She is grasping at straws here. You know what's what. Don't do it.
Don't let her, your brothers, or anyone guilt trip you.
Please stay where you are. Don't ever feel like you have to sacrifice your life to your mother, just because she wants you to or because she's old. Please don't do it. I speak from personal experience.
PM if you need. Take care of yourself. Yourself! Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gray horse
So I left CA 10 years ago. Now my nearing 80 year old mother wants me to move back, saying job opportunities and weather are so much better than where I am. I explain to her, that would mean taking out probably a $300-500K mortgage....for something NOT EVEN comparable to where I live in Oregon. I am on acreage and would want at least an acre, I have a lot of equity built up, but would still need a HUGE mortgage to get something that would work.
I feel SO guilty, but I can't justify, as a single gal @ 50 taking on a huge mortgage...
I hate to say it, but working in the technology field, there is still unequal payment for women.
She's now saying, well maybe since the Napa earthquake maybe I could get a deal there.
How does one deal with the guilt of an older parent wanting them to move closer to home. I have brothers in the area, so she is not alone. I understand the mother / daughter bond, but I can't afford to pay $3-5K a month until I'm 80.
What does one do???
Maybe this belongs on the CA, relationships, or ? forum.
I would be open to the Sebastopol area, but those prices have also gone through the roof....it's just a bad time to buy in CA.
I think you should move back to CA and help your mother, do the old fashioned thing and go help her out
your going to get old some day and be in the same situation and she would do it for you
too many people these days dont put the parents on the top priority, I would do it if they asked me for help, you might regret it later, why not save your money and move in with your mother?
Or the mother can move in with the daughter and save money, too.
It's not about putting parents at the top of ones priority list. OP's mother is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, and she has other family (sons) nearby. She doesn't actually need any help from the OP. She's just trying to guilt trip her into giving up her current life and moving down so the OP can hang out with her more easily. The mother's insistence is unreasonable and selfish, given that OP has settled down where she is and is happy.
OP, if hanging out is so important to your mom, you can fly her up to where you are or you can fly down occasionally. Don't move just for this silly, self-centered reason (or rather, non-reason).
Im not sure what you're feeling guilty about. She wants you to move near her, from what you said it wouldnt make a bit of sense to do so. Sounds like she's doing perfectly fine where she's at. Lots easier to just visit her a few times a year than to uproot your life because you are letting her put a guilt trip on you.
Just tell her it just isnt feasible.
Well when you have an elderly parent you can't just go with "she's doing perfectly fine", that can change on a dime. Clearly you haven't gone through this.
There needs to be some type of serious discussion in place as to when the day comes(unless the mother is blessed with going to bed one night in her own home and just not waking up) as to what are we going to do in the future.
Not wait until it becomes a problem and than the family is in a panic.
Even the OP at her age should look at "do I need all this land?", she is over 50, comes a point you don't want to maintain all that property, or you just can't physically do and have to hire people to do it for you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
no!!!
