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So I left CA 10 years ago. Now my nearing 80 year old mother wants me to move back, saying job opportunities and weather are so much better than where I am. I explain to her, that would mean taking out probably a $300-500K mortgage....for something NOT EVEN comparable to where I live in Oregon. I am on acreage and would want at least an acre, I have a lot of equity built up, but would still need a HUGE mortgage to get something that would work.
I feel SO guilty, but I can't justify, as a single gal @ 50 taking on a huge mortgage...
I hate to say it, but working in the technology field, there is still unequal payment for women.
She's now saying, well maybe since the Napa earthquake maybe I could get a deal there.
How does one deal with the guilt of an older parent wanting them to move closer to home. I have brothers in the area, so she is not alone. I understand the mother / daughter bond, but I can't afford to pay $3-5K a month until I'm 80.
What does one do???
Maybe this belongs on the CA, relationships, or ? forum.
I would be open to the Sebastopol area, but those prices have also gone through the roof....it's just a bad time to buy in CA.
Last edited by gray horse; 08-30-2014 at 07:01 PM..
Nope, she has her big house, church group, yoga classes, volunteer activities and my father in assistant living. I plan on moving to a place that will have a guest house or additional bedroom for when she gets to that point, but she is not there yet.
Thankfully she is very active and healthy, and probably has the fitness of a 45 year old.
This is very difficult because you feel obliged to do what your mother wants you to do, even though you know it's not what's best for you. Plus there's the guilt trip aspect of this to deal with. Since your brothers are in the area, your father is there in assisted living, and your mom is very involved in activities and groups, I think you have to just tell her it isn't economically feasible for you to move near her. I'd schedule visits so she'd have something to look forward to, but moving just isn't practical at this time. Good luck with this. I know how hard it can be.
So I left CA 10 years ago. Now my nearing 80 year old mother wants me to move back, saying job opportunities and weather are so much better than where I am. I explain to her, that would mean taking out probably a $300-500K mortgage....for something NOT EVEN comparable to where I live in Oregon. I am on acreage and would want at least an acre, I have a lot of equity built up, but would still need a HUGE mortgage to get something that would work.
I feel SO guilty, but I can't justify, as a single gal @ 50 taking on a huge mortgage...
I hate to say it, but working in the technology field, there is still unequal payment for women.
She's now saying, well maybe since the Napa earthquake maybe I could get a deal there.
How does one deal with the guilt of an older parent wanting them to move closer to home. I have brothers in the area, so she is not alone. I understand the mother / daughter bond, but I can't afford to pay $3-5K a month until I'm 80.
What does one do???
Maybe this belongs on the CA, relationships, or ? forum.
I would be open to the Sebastopol area, but those prices have also gone through the roof....it's just a bad time to buy in CA.
You just tell her you are established where you are, you will visit as often as possible and she can come and stay with you for a bit.
The only reason you are feeling guilty is because you are allowing her to make you feel guilty.
Parents tend to forget that their children are grown and have a life of their own and cannot just up and go and do when the parents "tells" them to.
My former MIL thought she could control us and interfered with my ex's employer to try to get her way. To me, it seemed she was not able to accept that her son was no longer her little boy who she could control. Eventually, she left us alone but it was difficult until she got the idea.
You simply can not live another person's pain so please live your life with joy. What she may not understand is that many of the jobs here are filled by foreign workers so it isn't like you will easily find work. Just the fact that she thinks housing costs will go down because of the Napa quake, and that you can walk away from the life you made for yourself, indicates that there may be a problem with her thinking clearly. It is so unfair for her to expect you to give up your life when she won't do it herself.
Sebastopol is great but as you said...expensive. I also would like to live there but then there is reality.
Hope I wasn't too harsh but this topic hit a "spot" with me.
Just explain that you're settled where you are just as she is, and that you simply don't want to take out a huge mortgage since your salary may go up but your standard of living would definitely drop.
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