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By the way, the time came when I needed to move my aging mom from home - she is a woman of very limited financial means; my dad died when I was a kid, leaving behind a widow ill-prepared to be a head of household, me, a severely mentally retarded younger sister and a high-functioning autistic older brother.
The time came 10 years ago when the neighborhood she had been living in for decades was no longer safe - police helicopters over head with search lights, drug deals on the street, etc. One grandmotherly woman a block down opened her front door to wag her finger and scold a pre-teen who was tagging her mailbox; the kid pulled a gun & shot her. An abandoned car the next street over with a dead body in it. You get the idea.
I told her, "Mom, I'm moving you to XXX (the city where I live) because this place is no place for you to live. I'll be here with a rental truck next month." I did not ask her; I told her. "What in the world would I do there?" "Mom, you'll do exactly the same things you do here."
It has been the best thing for her & my older brother who lives with her. After settling in, it has been a breath of fresh air for them - they don't have to worry about break-ins and being mugged in the grocery store parking lot any more.
My parents have been hinting at that for many years. "it would be nice if you lived closer so I could spend more time with you" conversations happened often when we spoke. My response has always been that I moved across the country to better myself and make a good living. You don't need to worry about supporting me.
I just think 'life goes on'. Its the natural order of things to leave the nest and start your own life. If either parent needed help in housing, I would move them to an assisted living center (where the surviving one is). I don't agree that its my responsibility to move back just so they can stay in a big house they can't manage, especially if its a financial and emotional detriment to me.
I moved back to my old home town out of concern for my mother who was in her 80's and facing hip replacement surgery. I even turned down a very good job offer to do it. Huge mistake! My relationship with my mother had been a difficult one in the best of times and it became impossible as she aged. She was extremely mean-spirited and angry almost all the time except when someone else besides me was present. Then she'd pour on the charm and people would think she was a sweet, little old lady. That "sweet little old lady" beat up another elderly woman who was our neighbor for the crime of coming over with a plate of Christmas candy. You should have seen the bruises! The neighbor lady called the police on my mom, and I don't blame her. And that's just one incident out of many. If I had it to do all over again, I'd have stayed put, way on the other side of the state from my mom and called social services from time to go check on her welfare. As it was, the entire thing was a major financial set back for me, my mom just barely accepted my help and told everyone what a "worthless" daughter I was.
Anyone who is thinking about pulling up stakes to help an elderly parent should consider it long and carefully, then think very hard about it again. If your parent won't come to you, then they feel just fine where they are. Let them stay there until they need your help going into assisted living or what have you. Don't sacrifice your own well-being to go take care of a parent who really doesn't need your help.
Agree^^^. Sad there are so many emotional vampires out there as they age. The entitlement mentality or desire to be queen of household like in generations gone by is difficult to deal with.
I moved back to my old home town out of concern for my mother who was in her 80's and facing hip replacement surgery. I even turned down a very good job offer to do it. Huge mistake! My relationship with my mother had been a difficult one in the best of times and it became impossible as she aged. She was extremely mean-spirited and angry almost all the time except when someone else besides me was present. Then she'd pour on the charm and people would think she was a sweet, little old lady. That "sweet little old lady" beat up another elderly woman who was our neighbor for the crime of coming over with a plate of Christmas candy. You should have seen the bruises! The neighbor lady called the police on my mom, and I don't blame her. And that's just one incident out of many. If I had it to do all over again, I'd have stayed put, way on the other side of the state from my mom and called social services from time to go check on her welfare. As it was, the entire thing was a major financial set back for me, my mom just barely accepted my help and told everyone what a "worthless" daughter I was.
Anyone who is thinking about pulling up stakes to help an elderly parent should consider it long and carefully, then think very hard about it again. If your parent won't come to you, then they feel just fine where they are. Let them stay there until they need your help going into assisted living or what have you. Don't sacrifice your own well-being to go take care of a parent who really doesn't need your help.
Excellent advice Colorado Rambler!!!
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