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I'm not sure why you feel the need to hammer home your point continually - it's as if you think we're incapable of comprehension.
I take issue with your distinction between difficult and abuse. I would venture that a lot of people in true toxic relationships are so immersed/dependent that they can't tell the difference. Therefore waiting to take action until you're all sparkly sorted if you're in a "difficult" (read abusive) relationship but can't/won't see it is not only tragic in many instances but downright dangerous. I realize that YOU are making that distinction but you aren't the only consumer of this thread. There are people on the precipice who would welcome such an excuse to delay the inevitable.
It's no good attempting to clean house while someone else is trying to burn it to the ground.
I agree with the last part too. I just came to this conclusion this year. It's been a process.
If people feel defensive, perhaps that's an indication that they may need to revisit their decision.
You sneak in enough of these little statements and then act surprised when people say they feel you are being judgmental or preachy (which you are).
It doesn't always take huge amounts of introspection or baggage checking to realize if it's you or them. There are plenty of situations where it's quite clearly them. And many people have trouble healing and feeling healthy until they know for certain they are safe. If you decide never to enter a lion's den ever again, good for you. Some animals are built for destruction, and trying to reason with them is never a good idea.
I'm not sure why you feel the need to hammer home your point continually - it's as if you think we're incapable of comprehension.
LOL "No good deed goes unpunished," apparently.
I agree with your post, and you come back with this. It's a good thing I'm tough skinned!
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I take issue with your distinction between difficult and abuse.
Sorry you feel that way. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one. Or maybe you can clarify?
I look at it this way - I think all abusive people are difficult, but not all difficult people are abusive.
Since I believe there are some definable differences between the two descriptions, I don't feel comfortable dumping all "difficult" people into the "abusive" heap, and treating them as if they were as toxic as truly abusive people always, always are.
I DO feel comfortable dumping all the "abusive" people into the "difficult" heap, however. And leaving that heap in the dust, for that matter.
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I would venture that a lot of people in true toxic relationships are so immersed/dependent that they can't tell the difference.
Oh, I'm sure that's the case sometimes. (Look at that - we agree again! AMAZING!)
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Therefore waiting to take action until you're all sparkly sorted if you're in a "difficult" (read abusive) relationship but can't/won't see it is not only tragic in many instances but downright dangerous.
And that is why I would NEVER tell anyone to stay in an abusive or dangerous situation.
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I realize that YOU are making that distinction but you aren't the only consumer of this thread.
No, but I am the OP. Not only that - I'm apparently not the only person who understands what the thread is about and my position on it. If other people disagree, I don't mind, but I also don't lose any sleep over it. It's interesting in fact, to hear the perspectives of others, and many perspectives have been discussed on this thread.
Look, I don't know how much clearer I can be, but here's the deal - how people react to or apply stuff they read on an internet forum, posted by anonymous strangers, to their real life situations which these strangers probably know little or nothing about - sorry, but there's only so much I can take responsibility for. Considering that I am consistently honest on this forum (as well as in real life), I don't lambast, I don't needle or intentionally provoke people, and I put thought and effort into my posts - well, if a person still misunderstands and misapplies something I've said, I'm sorry, but I don't feel like that's my fault.
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There are people on the precipice who would welcome such an excuse to delay the inevitable.
And there are people (not me) who would eventually become so rattled by antagonistic and negative posters on this forum that it would begin to depress them - maybe even cause them great anxiety. (Not me, but there but for the grace of God go I.)
You're right in some sense though - we all really SHOULD be cognizant of the effect our words here might have on others. Whether we believe it or not, the internet is not actually all that anonymous. The words we write are a reflection of some part of us, whether we think so or not. Nasty online - probably pretty nasty in person. Right?
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It's no good attempting to clean house while someone else is trying to burn it to the ground.
I agree. And I'd never advise anyone to stay in a burning house.
But I would advise someone dealing with a frustrating person, or a disrespectful person, to be introspective as they're establishing parameters.
It doesn't always take huge amounts of introspection or baggage checking to realize if it's you or them.
There are plenty of situations where it's quite clearly them. And many people have trouble healing and feeling healthy until they know for certain they are safe. If you decide never to enter a lion's den ever again, good for you. Some animals are built for destruction, and trying to reason with them is never a good idea.
Sigh.
I'm not talking about tolerating abuse. I'd be describing an ABUSIVE relationship if I used terms such as "It's you or them," and "until they know they are safe," and "entering the lion's den" and "some animals are built for destruction." Unless I just normally used over the top phrases to describe people who irritate me or who know how to push my buttons.
I'm not saying that you DO that - but some people do, and that's exactly what I'm talking about.
Some people throw everyone who irritates them, or is needy, or a bit dysfunctional, or who knows how to get under their skin as "toxic," or "abusive" and they justify walking away from a salvageable relationship when sometimes they're just as dysfunctional, or irritating or needy as the person they have so little tolerance for.
So because they don't fix what's broken in them along the way, they leave behind them a trail of broken relationships - and they don't seem to be able to connect the dots. Haven't you ever known anyone like that? THOSE are the situations I'm discussing here - not truly abusive relationships.
Which I've clarified over...and over...and over again.
I'm glad you got something out of the thread, GiGi.
Here's the deal - disagreement doesn't bother me. But if people are going to argue their point, I'll argue mine - at least I will till I either:
1. Get bored with it
2. They get so disrespectful that I just decide to quit interacting with them, or
3. I realize I'm arguing with a brick wall
There are several posters on this thread who, it seems, don't disagree with much of what I'm ACTUALLY saying, but are twisting what I'm saying and arguing with their version, or what they THINK I'm saying. Since they present a warped version of what I said and then argue about that, I (being a patient person ) come back and explain that, "No - that's not what I said. I actually AGREE with much of what you're saying, but you're arguing about something I didn't even say." Then I try to explain - again - what I thought I said very clearly the first...and second...and fifteenth time.
But guess what - I'm done with this for several posters on this thread, so unless someone new shows up with questions or ideas or challenges or opinions they'd like to discuss, I expect that the thread will sort of phase out as they all do eventually.
I'll discuss and explain and debate with anyone, for days, weeks, MONTHS even (years when it comes to real life relationships), who believes in discussing things in a mutually respectful mode. But I have less patience with people who just want to argue or insult - ESPECIALLY people on internet forums who jump at every opportunity across multiple threads to argue with me - which frankly, I think is weird.
I have never seen a single post like there, where the OP gives her lecture and then combats with full force every.single.thing anyone says that is a different view from hers, or pointing out any flaws in her argument. This manic "come back" is epic. Who posts like this?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,809,416 times
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Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
I have never seen a single post like there, where the OP gives her lecture and then combats with full force every.single.thing anyone says that is a different view from hers, or pointing out any flaws in her argument. This manic "come back" is epic. Who posts like this?
Someone who is very stubborn and has a point they live and die on and cannot accept others viewpoints.
Someone who is very stubborn and has a point they live and die on and cannot accept others viewpoints.
Yep, I am stubborn. Sometimes that character trait comes in very handy - other times not so much!
What's amazing to me is that in spite of my numerous comments (sincere ones by the way) even to people who are disagreeing with me, in which I say "I agree with this part of what you're saying," or "Wow, I understand where you're coming from," or "I wouldn't dream of judging your situation," or "Thanks so much for adding your perspective," you're saying that I cannot accept others' viewpoints.
I have even sent PMs to people who are vehemently arguing with me on this thread, THANKING them for adding to the conversation and clarifying that I am not trying to be combative with them.
So yeah - I'm stubborn. I am especially tenacious when someone insists on misrepresenting what I'm saying. But I'm also very accepting of others' points of view.
Even yours. In fact, I think I told you that I agreed on much of what you posted earlier on this thread. But maybe your user name is indicative of a character trait that YOU have, which definitely has it's pros and cons as much as stubbornness does.
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Not only that - I'm apparently not the only person who understands what the thread is about and my position on it. If other people disagree, I don't mind, but I also don't lose any sleep over it. It's interesting in fact, to hear the perspectives of others, and many perspectives have been discussed on this thread. 
) come back and explain that, "No - that's not what I said. I actually AGREE with much of what you're saying, but you're arguing about something I didn't even say." Then I try to explain - again - what I thought I said very clearly the first...and second...and fifteenth time.
