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Again, I don't want to come off ungrateful, but that's exactly why I want to figure out how to increase my social stamina so I can be a good host for the next few days.
Maybe it's because I'm not used to typical families. I came from a really small, introverted family, where everyone just did their own thing.
As someone who can relate all too well I highly recommend going to your doctor and getting your Vitamin D levels checked. One, most of us are grossly deficient in Vitamin D. Two, this time of year we are all even more at risk because of reduced exposure to the sun. Three, it's well established that Vitamin D deficiency contributes greatly to depression and moodiness and fatigue.
Get your levels checked and in the meantime take 5000IUs a day (easily available at amazon or your local vitamin shop). Myself and many others who are prone to the same kind of social exhaustion as well as social anxiety are able to cope SOOOO much better once the Vitamin D levels go up. There's no risk at that dosage and you will experience a host of other benefits.
Will you turn into the life of the party? probably not ( we are what we are), but increase your social stamina? Definitely.
Yep, divorce your husband for having family members over for an extended stay. Unbelievable but consistent theme I must admit.
If something were to happen to either of you, chances are these same people, who now consider you family, won't hesitate to put their lives on hold to offer help....you know, do things family do for their loved ones. Suck it up and entertain your family for goodness sakes. If this is your main problem, then count your blessings.
If the shoe were on the other foot - if it were the wife's family rather than the husband's - would your view be the same??
Does your version of "things family do for their loved ones" include consideration and sensitivity to their loved ones' comfort, limits, and needs?
If the shoe were on the other foot - if it were the wife's family rather than the husband's - would your view be the same??
Does your version of "things family do for their loved ones" include consideration and sensitivity to their loved ones' comfort, limits, and needs?
I would have stayed at a motel if they all camped out at my place for the weekend. That's too many people in too a small space. I just can't handle that sort contact for days, even hours, on end.
I would have stayed at a motel if they all camped out at my place for the weekend. That's too many people in too a small space. I just can't handle that sort contact for days, even hours, on end.
My post was directed at Percentage, who appeared unsympathetic with the OP's predicament, but I agree with your solution.
I hope the OP has a heart-to-heart with her husband, spelling out just how her in-laws' lengthy visit to her tiny apartment affected her, and I hope the scales fall from her husband's eyes in regard to any potential similar future visits.
I haven't read the whole thread but I can identify with the OP.
Although we live in a large house, we moved away from family and live in an area that many people consider a vacation destination. For the first few years my husband and I used every bit of our vacation time when relatives came to visit, mainly our single moms. We were exhausted and it really didn't help our budget either, filling the fridge with their preferences and going out to places we normally wouldn't go.
So we came up with some ground rules for our family and friends. A visit of 4 days or less is welcomed at any time, just give us advance notice. If you can't live without your favorite coffee for 4 days then that's your problem. Anything over four day then you need to get a hotel room. We are not the Holiday Inn. We go to work each day, you need to plan your own activities without us, there's a GPS in the ktichen drawer, and we'll leave the extra door key on the counter when we leave. We cook minimally during the work week so if you expect more than a crock pot meal or a casserole for dinner please feel free to explore restaurants on your own. There's alist on the fridge and again the GPS in the drawer. We appreciate any meals that you want to shop for and cook on your own. Our dishwasher is very easy to operate so please put your dirty dishes in there when you are finished and run the load and unload it if you fill it. We go to bed early by 9pm and we are up to get ready for work by 5:30 am. Please plan accordingly as we cannot stay up late talking and having a glass of wine. The kids will need to use the hall bath that you use so please don't leave any medications or your toiletries on the vanity. I have provided closet space in the guest room for your things. There is a a cute plastic beach bucket under the sink if you need something to carry your things to the bathroom. Dirty towels and sheets are your responsibility. If you want them laundered I'll be happy to show you how the washer/dryer work. If you don't like my detergent, there is a grocery store right down the street and the GPS is in the drawer. At the end of your stay I woud be appreciative if you would pile your towels and sheets in the laundry room. Even though you are visiting on vacation I still have chores to do on my days off and the kids still have activities. I can fit in a couple of hours to do something special maybe on one day. But more than that will disrupt our tight schedules.
'Nuf said. It was amazing how quickly people made other plans. Mostly the moms stayed in hotels after that. At first they expected that we would pick them up on our way home from work. But after a few "sorry, the kids have to be at swim practice by 6 and then there's homework, and there's no way for me to drive you all the way back to the hotel before I need to go to bed.." their "vacations" with us became fewer. They realized that we were not their entertainment committee, that they had to get a taxi or take the bus during the day while I was at work, and we rarely have free time in the evening or on weekends...unless you want to help us with all that yard work or whatever the house project is at the time. It really boiled down to two weeks with three weekends of their vacations, times two moms, equals almost 6 weeks out of every year...just for the moms! We end up visiting them instead. We have a couple that we have known since our childhoods and they visit every 2 years when they attend a professional convention in our state. They stay for a long weekend and make their own plans while they are here. They treat to dinner out with them usually once during their stay and figure out their own meals the rest of the time. We no longer take vacation days when visitors are with us and enjoy our own vacation as a family when we decide to do so.
And as many others have mentioned, you may be an introvert. I know I am. I grew up in a very small family and we only have one child. The thought of losing my personal privacy makes my stomach churn. After many years I realize that even going to a dinner party at someone else's house makes me tired...the small talk, choosing a bottle of wine to take, smiling all the time, knowing what to talk about and what not to talk about, what to do with myself when I feel that I have nothing more to discuss, trying to figure out when to help the hostess and when to stay out of her way, kids running amuck. I prefer a quiet, "let's order a pizza and watch a movie" with friends...knowing that everyone will leave when it's a bit past bedtime for the kids. Be honest with your significant other about your feelings. You may be surprised that they feel the same way!
OP, this will become a problem every holiday and get even worse when you have kids if you and your husband don't come to an understanding immediately.
He has to know that his family cannot run all over the two of you like this. It's ridiculous.
I agree. The entire situation was a disaster waiting to happen.
Seven people in a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment [i]without[i] furniture for several days, including a major holiday, is a situation that even a saint would have extreme difficulty handling successfully.
Hang in there. Discuss this with your husband so that something similar does not happen again.
My husband and I recently moved, and his entire family (including a 3 year old baby) came up to help us move, celebrate Thanksgiving and navigate Black Friday madness to furnish the place.
and accommodating a really demanding/hyperactive 3yo baby.
Just to give you some perspective.
First of all, three year olds are NOT babies. They are NOT even toddlers. Three year olds are pre-school age children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohhwanderlust
The 3 year old constantly barges into the bedroom, throws stuff around and screams, and when I gently usher him out and lock the bedroom door, the husband makes me feel like a monster, and says I'd better get used to this (for when we have kids one day).
Your husband is wrong.
I am a parent, grandparent and a retired early childhood teacher. Most three year olds, even three year children with special needs, do not act that way. Probably 99% of my former students, who were three years old and in special education did not "throw stuff around and scream" so you do not "have to get used to that behavior" from children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohhwanderlust
It's his sister's son (the father's not in the picture), and she's there. But no one in that family ever tells him no, they let him run the show, and absolutely everything revolves around him. They even let him scream and run amok in nice restaurants, even disturbing other patrons. If anyone (like teachers or other diners) makes a less than positive comment on his behavior, they get really defensive.
If a parent sets limits and tells a child "no" they will not behave the way that you describe. I suggest that you and your husband do not invite his nephew and mother back until she learns how to be a better parent.
If the shoe were on the other foot - if it were the wife's family rather than the husband's - would your view be the same??
Does your version of "things family do for their loved ones" include consideration and sensitivity to their loved ones' comfort, limits, and needs?
Of course my view will be the same if the shoe were on the other foot. Why wouldn't it? I don't play that sexist nonsense that tends to be the norm around here My in-laws visit all the time and the joy I get from the visit (no matter the length of time, last visit was for a month by the way and there were 5 including my wives siblings) is watching my wife glow. It's nice to have extended family around. Is it always fun and comfortable absolutely not but it makes my wife happy so I hang in there and do my best to ensure they have a good time. The wife has no qualms doing the same when my family visits. It's just something we should be glad to do for one another.
I don't subscribe to the notion of making visiting family stay in a hotel. Like I said, this is a none issue. The people will be gone in no time and they (OP & her husband) can return to their normal routine. Show me a marriage that doesn't have situations that one person has to make sacrifices for the other party and I'd show you a couple heading for a divorce.
Now if they truly reside in a one bedroom and there are 7 people then the OP should let her hubby know she is feeling uncomfortable and a reasonable husband will take the family out for some activities in the area to give the wife time to recharge. It's just not that big a deal. But knowing CD some will suggest an immediate separation and possible jail sentence for the husband.
My husband and I recently moved, and his entire family (including a 3 year old baby) came up to help us move, celebrate Thanksgiving and navigate Black Friday madness to furnish the place.
I really do love his family, and I'm VERY grateful for how they've helped us when they could've stayed home and enjoyed a real Thanksgiving.
Which is why I feel like a complete asshoIe about this issue -- I get exhausted from being "on" for days on end, 24/7.
It's been 3 days now. For the first 2 days, I was able to turn on the charm 100%, and be all smiles and make them feel good.
But now, after days of us being together 24/7, sleeping in our small 1br/1ba with 7 people, and driving myself insane constantly trying to clean up the insane messes they make (our carpet is already ruined after only one day living there!!), and accommodating a really demanding/hyperactive 3yo baby, I'm seriously wiped. All this on top of dealing with moving and Thanksgiving at the same time.
There's literally no room in the living room for me to sit, because we have no chairs or sofa (husband doesn't think they're important), and everyone's clutter is just carelessly scattered everywhere....it looks like an episode of Hoarders! !!!
So I'm lounging in our bedroom, because it's the only clean, peaceful room. And I get some alone time.
But my husband thinks I'm being antisocial, and everyone expects me to socialize nonstop. Even when I try to be "on", it isn't very convincing.
Again, I don't want to come off ungrateful, but that's exactly why I want to figure out how to increase my social stamina so I can be a good host for the next few days.
Maybe it's because I'm not used to typical families. I came from a really small, introverted family, where everyone just did their own thing.
What you are feeling is normal.
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