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In my nearly 60 years on Earth I have come in contact with lots of users. People who were very friendly with me because I could do them a favor, such as: getting them a job, connecting them to the right people, a professional reference, housing, etc.
Once I had served my purpose, I was quickly disposed of and any attempts at conversation was met by COLD ICE. I had served my purpose and he/she did not need me anymore.
These were attractive, charming and charismatic people who I thought could be great friends. But they had other plans for our relationship after I served their needs.
Is this common? Did it happen to you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laid Off
I think it is hard to always figure out who is just using you and who want to be real friends. Maybe if they ask for money or a favor (like helping them find a job), then I should not try to be friends. And if they are pretty, or handsome, or rich, or charismatic then I have to wonder why they are being nice to me.
Yes, that was the story of my life until, over the years, I learned that I have to set boundaries with people and develop a discerning mental filter to weed out the users and abusers . . . to not anymore let others take undue advantage of my good nature. It was especially prevalent in the years during which I attended church (which I don't do anymore). I've come to think that the real reason that certain types of people come to church (or, for that matter, perhaps a host of different religious gathering places) is because they want to be served (i.e., they want to draw upon people's charitable spirit or instinct or guilt or their stated duty to live up to the credos of the faith, et al). That is, they want to place themselves on the receiving end of other people's or the religious institution's benevolence and generosity. I came, over time, to rather resent it when being immersed in the world of faith and yet, if I resisted or established boundaries, then, all of a sudden, I might be told or alluded to by them or by others that I am not "a good Christian" or sentiments to that effect. And yet so many of these same people who always want to draw upon you for favors and deeds would resent if this was done by you or others on a continual basis to them! It just shows you how utterly narcissistic some people are (just seeming life only from their own perspective and needs, rather than taking it upon themselves to place themselves in the other's shoes and empathirze with the other person). That is, they don't seem to have an ingrained sense of reciprocity in them (i.e., that life should be a game of "give and take") but rather seem to think that life is just about "take, take, take, take take . . . . . .." as much as they can. Like they think your primary mission in life is to always be on-call for them and to always or nearly always be ready to drop everything and serve them as they specify (and, of course, ALLFOR FREE . . . or else, if you say or insist that you should be paid for the great expenditure of time and effort, they protest and fume or else they give you as little as they can get away with).
In summary, I've had it up to here (hand held very high above my head) with undue users who always want to profit from me but don't see it in themselves to let me profit from them -- and I actively seek to screen out such persons. I have learned to say "No" or "Not available" or "I had other plans" or "Sorry, no can do" or simply "I don't do that".
I'm just learning at age 58 to start standing up for myself. Good people are often used and targeted by not so good people. I think everyone in their life has been used at one point or another. Some people have the ability to never let it happen again. Some of us tend to try to see the good in people and we end up back where we started.
If I'm going to give my time and effort to anyone other than my family in the future, it'll be to a charity where my heart reaps the rewards of doing something for someone in need without any expectations or acknowledgement in return.
People don't follow the "golden rule" anymore and it's every man for themselves today. I'll still have a good heart, but I won't waste my time on possible users. Some of those users are the best at acting and can't be spotted right away.
It takes some of us a longer time to learn the lesson. Don't let those here judging you for being duped by others make you feel bad. Some of us just have softer hearts and they see us as weak. It's their inability to accept you and offer the advice you sought.
Yes I was. A few years ago. I would love to tell all the details but the hurt I experienced and am still experiencing would not bleed through the story enough. I still deal with the hurt on a daily basis because this person (due to my stupidly inviting her back into my life after dumping her once before back before social media) has now "friended" most of my family and friends. So now I get to see her comments on my friends, in-laws, etc pages. I know this isn't mature or healthy but I want everyone to know what she put me through. Or maybe I just can't get over how stupid I was to allow her to treat me like that. Her husband (my husbands good friend) died suddenly and I was there for her in EVERY way I possibly could have been including going in to the hospital room with the kids and taking notes for the financial aspects to going to her home after work every day. And then she treated my like dirt.... and I allowed it. But she is the sad widow right? And I am still sick about it. I hope never again. The betrayal is inconceivable to me still.
Good Lord, yes. I worked with one woman and we became friends. We didn't really have that much in common, quite honestly. After I quit working with her, she asked me if I could watch her two boys "once." I agreed since she was a nice enough lady and I thought we were friends. She had one son my son's age and another who was older.
She informed me that I was NOT to take her boys in a car, I was NOT "allowed" to go anywhere at all when I was watching her children. She was super overprotective of them. We had a baby wading pool (and her boys were these giant sized children) but she'd get SO nervous if they even approached the pool... full of about 6 inches of water. (And I never let my kid swim without my supervision, so it wasn't like I was just having a free-for-all.)
She started just dropping them off whenever she had to work, without even asking me. This happened about 6 times before I finally got up enough guts to put a stop to it. (I was young.)
The last straw for me was when she came to pick her boys up at about 8 at night... after having told me she'd pick them up at 5:30... and just honked her car horn while sitting in the driveway. She couldn't even be bothered to come in and thank me for babysitting her kids for the whole day... and much later than she had told me.
The next time she tried to drop her kids off, I said, "Nope. This isn't happening anymore, sorry." She looked shocked and said, "Well, what am I supposed to do with them? I have to work today." And I just shut the door. That was the last time I saw her. Or her kids.
There was another woman I was "friends" with. She was in a relationship with a "sex addict." He liked to pick up young, underage girls at convenience stores. That was "his thing." As you can imagine, this didn't sit well with her. Instead of being smart and dumping him, she got pregnant by him. She already had two sons- age 16 and 18. The baby was born premature with a host of health issues.
She was also one of those people who demanded that I babysit for her child. (Did I mention that I really don't LIKE babysitting? It's not my career, never have expressed any desire to be a childcare provider!I was especially nervous taking care of a child with so many health problems. It was nerve wracking.)
The last straw with her was when she called and SCREAMED that I needed to "get my a$$ over" to her house to watch her child because her boyfriend needed her right that minute. I was so shocked by the rudeness that I didn't say anything for probably a full minute. Then the rage kicked in. I told her that she was all or nothing and since I didn't care to give her ALL, I was going to give her nothing. Then I hung up. She called repeatedly the whole day and the whole night. I was ready to have her arrested. She just contacted me again recently after about a decade of no contact. I ignored the message because if a person has the gall to be THAT selfish and rude, I doubt they've changed much in ten years. It would take at least 50-100 years, if even then. Buh-bye.
I suppose it's common, but I rarely encounter it in such a blatant form.
A lot of people have a relationship that's beneficial (ideally, mutually beneficial) for practical reasons. But I usually recognize that it's an acquaintance, not a real friendship. For instance, I have casual relationships with some of my neighbors, and those relationships are largely a matter of convenience and mutual usefulness.
That happened to me in college but I was very cautious after that. I was raised in a big family & was always forced to be good to others because everyone wanted to get along so the issues were often pushed under the rug. I became a people pleaser pushing my needs last. Learnt some great lessons where people used me in college to get good grades & wasted my precious time by unloading their issues on me. I didn't know how to survive alone so I helped them just so that they would stick around. But I realized I was on a self destructive path so I turned the attention towards myself & did what's best for me & my future. I had to read a lot of self-help books to undo the damage & end my dependency on others. Took a few years but I have recovered & I am very balanced now. I do come across people now & then who have a hidden agenda but my priorities are in order so I don't fall for their tactics. I like people who are straightforward when trying to ask for a favor & I have even helped people who were honest about their intentions. I did come across several of them who became friends first & wanted to use me only for favors. I cut them off slowly until they can no longer reach me in person or online.
In my nearly 60 years on Earth I have come in contact with lots of users. People who were very friendly with me because I could do them a favor, such as: getting them a job, connecting them to the right people, a professional reference, housing, etc.
Once I had served my purpose, I was quickly disposed of and any attempts at conversation was met by COLD ICE. I had served my purpose and he/she did not need me anymore.
These were attractive, charming and charismatic people who I thought could be great friends. But they had other plans for our relationship after I served their needs.
Is this common? Did it happen to you?
yes, I have....
When I first moved to my neighborhood oh 7 years ago, I went against this deep intuitional voice that said, "don't do it", when a few of us girls started going out together. I had dinner parties, b/c I love to cook and entertain, and yet, these gals, never reciprocated...once in a blue moon, two of them had a dinner....
I had all the holidays and included them with my family for Christmas dinner, Easter, and picnics in the summer. Even had a woman criticise me for having hamburgers and hot dogs....for one of my picnics, and when I stopped and told them why, they got angry at me?????
So, I've always been an introvert, and am going back to doing so....b/c people really can upset you. Now I have a few friends who are dear friends....but the majority, I feel, its best to sit back and observe before offering....and to tell you the truth, I don't regret having the dinners, I regret my choice in friends.
What about you draws those sorts to you? Are you that bad at choosing who to be friends with?
That's cute to try to accuse a person of doing something wrong because they attract users. Let me ask you, what's your annual income and what is your net worth? I'm guessing you probably don't want to answer, first of all, and I'm also guessing you don't actually really think about those things. That's because you probably make an average income and have very little net worth.
I have attracted a TON of users over the years because I grew up in a 20,000 square foot mansion where my dad hosted a fundraising bash for President Bush (Junior) where his father came to speak to the crowd and secret service agents were milling about our house. I've taken friends on a private jet to a penthouse in Las Vegas for a vacation with my family. Guess what? When you have those resources and that family upbringing, YOU GET USERS! There's nothing I did wrong to deserve that.
When I went to Los Angeles, I had a lot of film equipment I bought and of course L.A. is more full of users than any other city in the world I would venture. Almost everyone there is a user except the ones who have already made it. It's funny the big shot celebrities are called to task for their behavior. HA! Trust me, those guys are all saints compared to the poor actors and filmmakers, who are out to do nothing but get ahead and don't care at all about people around them unless they can use them. I would not hear from people in months, then suddenly, "Hey buddy, how are you? Anyway I have a shoot this weekend and just wondering if I could borrow your camera and maybe a few lights and maybe your jib?" NO, you cannot.
One of my best friends since I was young who is now an ex-friend used my condo in Long Beach when I wasn't occupying it anymore and before I had rented it out. It was a $1,400/month condo once I did rent it out. I asked him to pay just the HOA dues and utilities, not even the property taxes, so about $300/month. He went behind my back to my other friends and told them all what a cheapskate I was and how he couldn't believe I would charge him to stay in my place. I'm thinking, dude, it COSTS me money to have you staying there! I could be renting it out right away, but instead I'm letting you stay here for months on end for almost nothing. Guess what? When I went to clear out my stuff from the condo (I had left most of my personal possessions there as I ended up making a rather hasty move to Portland), he had trashed a lot of my dishes, ruined some other minor things, the place was filthy dirty, and he even had a used condom hanging off the trash can even though he knew we were coming (my GF and I) to stay there for a few days while we packed. He didn't lift a finger the entire time, just sat on his laptop watching my 110-pound GF and I carry boxes and load boxes. That's a user!
Unfortunately, I have known way too many and I assume most people I encounter who know much about me are probably going to be looking to get something out of knowing me. But I've gotten better at spotting them now so I just mostly ignore it. It's fine for long-time friends to ask for favors, that's totally cool, but it should go both ways and it shouldn't be just about what I can do for them.
PS: If you can safely say you've never really known any users, you are either 1) Very young, or 2) Have nothing much at all to offer anyone. Users only are attracted to people who can get them somewhere or do something for them. Obviously, if you're working at Taco Bell and living in your dad's basement, you're probably not going to get any users... lol
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