"close" friend never invites me to do anything ...unless its to go to a bar (guilty, person)
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I just looked at your profile. Have you joined a church since you are Baptist? That is a great way to make friends. You can try a bunch out with your mind on the social aspect. Mens bible groups, singles groups, evening events, missionary trips, etc. Look out for churches that are more elderly or more family oriented because you could get lost in the shuffle and not really make friends there.
I also noticed that the OP invited his buddy to a movie. That's not really something most straight men out of high school actually do together. It's like going to check out a nice restaurant with your straight bud. You just pick a place, you don't go on Yelp and spend an hour finding a nice place like you would with a woman. Or check out a museum exhibit. Just things that are not done.
There's a lot more of these unspoken 'rules' most of which I think are bunk, but they exist. Basically, with a lot of the guys I know (or knew when they went out), they would meet other guys to 1) get together and have drinks, 2) get together and chase women, 3) maybe every now and then do an activity like hike of bike or kayak.
Do you do stuff with other guys? Seems like you're fixated on this one guy. He can probably sense that.
But yeah, guys tend to go to the bar, not the movies or museum or whatever. I doubt he's out having tea or shopping with some other fellow instead of you.
It seems as if you two either don't have much in common or have different expectations about your friendship. I understand not wanting to ditch the guy if you generally like him, have known him a while and don't have many other friends in the city.
Why not make plans for things that will allow him to drink but that might be more fun and less awkward for you if you choose not to drink? For example, if he suggests meeting at a bar, perhaps you could suggest a bar-and-grill type of place. Then, you can sit at the bar or something and have a nice meal while he has drinks. Or, what about sporting events or concerts? Those are fun whether you drink or not.
I also think maybe you need to make some other friends who are more interested in the things that you are interested in. For things like going out to dinner or going out to the movies, you might have more luck with a female friend. Most of the guys that I know don't really meet up with other guys to go to the movies or out to dinner much. If they do, it's usually a spur-of-the-moment thing, not something that they plan for a week in advance. It might feel like a "date" to your friend, which will obviously be uncomfortable if you are gay and he is not.
I value our friendship and I want to talk to him about all this but the only way we communicate is thru text and i dont wanna text back and forth about all this. Maybe I should just wait until he wants to invite me to something . I feel like I am the last option on his friends list and that he will only hang with me if he is out of options for the weekend . Maybe I am just a friend he only wants to talk to once in a blue moon. He has not initiated any conversation with me since last year, I have done all the work.
Value the friendship? There is no friendship.
Look at what is highlighted above... NO two-way relationship at all.
This can be hard for people to see. There are a couple of guys who used to do hobby activities with my husband but as time went on their focus shifted from the hobby to drinking. DH doesn't drink at all. It's not a religious thing, he just chooses not to. I have tried to explain to him that it's nothing personal; his former friends have chosen a certain path. They both married hard-partying women, too.
Career drunks don't want to be around sober people.
^Pretty much what I thought reading the OP. This guy is an alcoholic. When he just felt like staying home, he was hung over. Read/listen between the lines.
Go on Meetup or something and find people who like to do things you like to do that aren't alcohol-centered.
The problem is, you have completely different goals for entertainment.
He has been living a life where hangs out at bars, an maybe dancing, and has friends that do the same.
On the other hand, You have no desire to do this kind of activity.
You move to town, and want him to give up going to the bar and seeing the people he has been friends with for a long time now. What upsets you is, he has moved on and built a life he is comfortable with.
You are angry that he is not willing to give up his normal activity to be with you. He on the other hand, has invited you to join him and his other friends, if you want to socialize with him. It is really overstepping things when you expect him to give up his life as he has lived it for years without you, just so he can be with you.
You have 2 choices: 1: Join him in his usual activity which he has invited you to do. 2: Get out and get a new group of friends with similar interests to yours.
He has made his choice wanting to keep the life he built since last being around him, so now you and only you can make your choice for the future.
Not trying to start anything but.... I read your profile to determine your gender. Just curious. (Liked your profile by the way)
I wonder about the skin color of the person you're talking about. Introducing you as his "close friend" might be a way to appear cool if he's not of a different (paler, perhaps?) color. Either way, no matter what, you deserve better than to be strung along. Go find real people who are genuine. Lots of us out here!
How did you 'meet' in the first place? What made you feel that you were friends after that for 8 years without being physically in the same location?
We met at a basketball tournament in another city . We kept in touch by text all these years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat
Not trying to start anything but.... I read your profile to determine your gender. Just curious. (Liked your profile by the way)
I wonder about the skin color of the person you're talking about. Introducing you as his "close friend" might be a way to appear cool if he's not of a different (paler, perhaps?) color. Either way, no matter what, you deserve better than to be strung along. Go find real people who are genuine. Lots of us out here!
thanks. lol we are both black
Quote:
Originally Posted by oldtrader
The problem is, you have completely different goals for entertainment.
He has been living a life where hangs out at bars, an maybe dancing, and has friends that do the same.
On the other hand, You have no desire to do this kind of activity.
You move to town, and want him to give up going to the bar and seeing the people he has been friends with for a long time now. What upsets you is, he has moved on and built a life he is comfortable with.
You are angry that he is not willing to give up his normal activity to be with you. He on the other hand, has invited you to join him and his other friends, if you want to socialize with him. It is really overstepping things when you expect him to give up his life as he has lived it for years without you, just so he can be with you.
You have 2 choices: 1: Join him in his usual activity which he has invited you to do. 2: Get out and get a new group of friends with similar interests to yours.
He has made his choice wanting to keep the life he built since last being around him, so now you and only you can make your choice for the future.
I never said he had to give up anything or give up his other friends to hang out with me. I just like to hang out with people who have other interests than drinking, especially since there is so much to do in this city and I would like for him to experience it with me. Plus I am not a big drinker as I think I stated before. He goes to basketball games, football games and lots of other places with his other friends ( I see all this posted on facebook). Btw, for the people who wanted to know we are both not straight. Even if we were both straight, I think that straight guys hang out with their guy friends at places other than bars .
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