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I have been friends with him for 9 years now. During the first 8 years , I only saw this friend once because we lived in different states. Last year , I moved to his city . We hung out several times during the first six months and then after that , up until now , he has acted funny. Most of the time when he used to invite me out , it would only be to go out to a bar . I don't drink much and when I do I can't handle my liquor so I prefer not to get drunk but he has a really high tolerance and most of his friends that he has introduced me to are the same way. After the first six months I moved here , communication is very little. He rarely text me first or asks me to do anything with him. Most of the time when I text him he doesn't ask how I am doing even though I text him about once a week to see how he is doing. He doesn't talk on the phone so I don't even bother calling. Texting is pretty much the only way to get a hold of him and if I send him more than one text to start a conversation , he is either slow to answer (which is fine) or I get no answer at all. Last christmas, I couldn't make it home to see my family and he invited me to spend time with his family. I thanked him for the invite and then asked for his family's address so I could come over since I was invited (this was a few days prior to Christmas) and he never answered. I texted him again on Christmas day to wish him Merry Christmas and to ask again what time should I come over to his family's (parents) house...he didn't answer me until late that afternoon and he replied that he already had went over to his family's house and was headed back home (his family lives in a town close to me ) ... I asked him if he wanted to stop by my house before he headed back home since his family lives close to me ...he didn't answer until 4 hours later and said he was already back home and that he would invite me over for dinner next week since I didn't get to spend time with him and his family. He never extended an invite like he promised. I was pissed about him not returning my text so that I could spend time with him and his family but I tried to let it go.
Fast foward to more recently. Just a month ago , I texted him while I was at work and he said he was headed out for a few drinks and asked me to join him. He knows I work evenings during the week and this was friday when he asked me this . I told him sorry I am at work and can't come. So I asked him if he would go to the movies with me sometime that weekend and he said yes and asked me if I would prefer to hang out on saturday or sunday for the movie. I told him Saturday. He never replied to confirm. I text him on saturday again about going to a movie then he says , " feeling lazy. Just going to stay home" . I was mad that he told me the day before that we could go to the movie then the day we were supposed to go , he just cancels on me .
What is funny about all of this is that he tells his other friends he introduces me to that I am his close friend. He is VERY popular and has lots of friends but I don't have many because I have only lived in ATL for a year. When I first moved here he told me that he would show me around and take me lots of different places but we really haven't done that. When he stood me up at Christmas time (see first paragraph) , it really hurt me. Then I try to get together with him for movie but then he says yes and then cancels.
I don't know what to do. I value our friendship and I want to talk to him about all this but the only way we communicate is thru text and i dont wanna text back and forth about all this. Maybe I should just wait until he wants to invite me to something . I feel like I am the last option on his friends list and that he will only hang with me if he is out of options for the weekend . Maybe I am just a friend he only wants to talk to once in a blue moon. He has not initiated any conversation with me since last year, I have done all the work. I think he may not hang out with me as much because I don't drink much and I am not successful but his other friends are like that . We are in our 30s. I don't understand this...
he's just looking for a drinking buddy. You're the back burner friend.When his other friends have time for him, he prefers to hang with them. When they're busy, then he'll give you some time, but on his terms. He's no "close" friend of yours. He's using you. Also, he may feel sorry for you so hanging out with you is like an ego booster for him. Some people feel empowered hanging out with people they feel sorry for. Like that popular high school/college jock or "cool guy" who hangs out with the "not so cool" guy in school. In the meantime his real friends come first, and he probably talks a lot of mess about you behind your back to them. I think he's insecure! He's using you. He stood you up for Christmas and you're still talking to him? Pfftt....Drop him.
This can be hard for people to see. There are a couple of guys who used to do hobby activities with my husband but as time went on their focus shifted from the hobby to drinking. DH doesn't drink at all. It's not a religious thing, he just chooses not to. I have tried to explain to him that it's nothing personal; his former friends have chosen a certain path. They both married hard-partying women, too.
Career drunks don't want to be around sober people.
I agree with fluffy that wonder cat above....he was wanting a drinking buddy and that was it.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I know.
Unless you are content with just hanging out with him when he is loaded and not truly who he really is as a person, accept it....or move on and leave him and that bar scene behind you.
That Christmas thing...ouch. I am really sorry. I agree he is looking for a drinking buddy and likely intros you as a "good friend" to seem like he is a popular guy. Not all seemingly popular people are as popular as they seem. They are often insecure and unable to have close friendships because the friend might see through their disguise.
Have you been working on making other friends? It seems like its time to get busy with other buddies.
You're going to get a whole lot of advice to dump him, he's no friend, he's just using you, etc. You're going to need a handful of salt, navigating this thread.
I think it's a little more complicated than that. He's your only connection in a big city, and you two go back 9 years. That's not easy to just throw away entirely, or even advisable, from a practical standpoint (personal reference, etc). It would be different if he was being a total jerk or outright shunning you, but he's not. He's just being flaky and inconsiderate. Yes, C-D users, you can stay friends with someone who's a flake. You just deal with them differently.
I do not think you should cut ties. I do think you should downgrade your expectations of this friendship. Put him on the back burner. He's never going to live up to the role you were hoping he'd fill. But that doesn't mean you and he can't spend time together 2-3 times a year. Many adults have 'close' friendships like this that go on for decades. This might seem hard for you since he's your only friend in this city, but you'd be doing it to preserve your own feelings (while not cutting off the one connection you have). I would stop the habit of contacting him weekly. Contact him every couple of months.
Re: talking with him about it: this may only do so much good. He's a flake, and he may be unable to change his ways. But you could let him know that it's hurtful and aggravating when he makes plans with you and doesn't follow through. And that he needs to be serious about it, or don't bother. He may be unaware of how flaky he's been, but if you put him on notice, he may be a little more cognizant of it.
Re: the drinking. There is some truth to what others have said. I still don't think that's a reason to completely cut off contact with an old friend, but that could have something to do with it. Sometimes, when drinkers are together and there's one person who always stays sober, the drinkers can feel silently judged by the sober person. For this reason, sometimes people who drink don't like to drink in front of those who don't. You and he can still get together for dinner, or a movie, sometimes.
'Drinking buddies' is a very misunderstood term by those who never drink.
No matter how drunk you are, somebody that you are at odds with personality wise, or somebody who have nothing in common with will not magically become your best friend. Drinking greases the social process. It is not an activity within itself. Well, it can be. But that is true alcoholism, and you can do that by yourself.
But the mentality that either you drink and you're a loser with a very shallow friendbase, or you don't and all your friends are concrete, is beyond ludicrous.
2)
OP, I would just invest as much effort as you get from him. You don't have to disown him. It's always good to know people here and there. But he doesn't sound anywhere near a good friend. It sounds like you just labeled him as that. After all, you've only really known him a year.
That Christmas thing...ouch. I am really sorry. I agree he is looking for a drinking buddy and likely intros you as a "good friend" to seem like he is a popular guy. Not all seemingly popular people are as popular as they seem. They are often insecure and unable to have close friendships because the friend might see through their disguise.
Have you been working on making other friends? It seems like its time to get busy with other buddies.
Yeah I have been working on making other friends. Its a slow process but I am sure things will work out. I guess it takes longer than a year to get some friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba
Two things...
1)
'Drinking buddies' is a very misunderstood term by those who never drink.
No matter how drunk you are, somebody that you are at odds with personality wise, or somebody who have nothing in common with will not magically become your best friend. Drinking greases the social process. It is not an activity within itself. Well, it can be. But that is true alcoholism, and you can do that by yourself.
But the mentality that either you drink and you're a loser with a very shallow friendbase, or you don't and all your friends are concrete, is beyond ludicrous.
2)
OP, I would just invest as much effort as you get from him. You don't have to disown him. It's always good to know people here and there. But he doesn't sound anywhere near a good friend. It sounds like you just labeled him as that. After all, you've only really known him a year.
I appreciate everyone's post. But, jobaba, I have known this guy for 9 years . We have only lived in the same city for 1 year.
But, jobaba, I have known this guy for 9 years . We have only lived in the same city for 1 year.
You also said: During the first 8 years , I only saw this friend once because we lived in different states.
Maybe I'm reading this wrong but once in eight years doesn't sound close. Do you usually have a tendency to rush friendships?
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