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Ok, looks like some of you know more about these people than I do, so I might as well ask my question here.
I have observed this for years. Why are poor people the pickiest eaters out there? Common sense tells me if your resources are limited wouldn't you be happy with anything?
A couple weeks ago, we took the sisters out to lunch. Sister 1 ordered a typical chicken fingers with french fries meal. This was an honest to god restaurant, by the way, and not a fast food joint. Sister 2 was going to order the same thing as 1 when my boyfriend suggested she tried something else. So, she chose some kind if burger. When they brought it out, she looked at it and yelled out EWWWWW WHAT IS THAT WHAT IS THAT? Everyone in the restaurant looked over at us. Well, it was just cheese. She went on to making faces at it started acting like she was about to vomit. I asked the waitress to wrap it up for me and she went ahead and ordered chicken fingers. And that was 100% American food, too.
That's just 1 example out of many. I used to work for habitat for humanity and I observed this many times over. Very poor people getting grossed out by anything other than french fries, pizza, or cheeseburger. Shouldn't they take every opportunity to try out something new, especially when they're not paying for it?
Ok, looks like some of you know more about these people than I do, so I might as well ask my question here.
I have observed this for years. Why are poor people the pickiest eaters out there? Common sense tells me if your resources are limited wouldn't you be happy with anything?
...
That's just 1 example out of many. I used to work for habitat for humanity and I observed this many times over. Very poor people getting grossed out by anything other than french fries, pizza, or cheeseburger. Shouldn't they take every opportunity to try out something new, especially when they're not paying for it?
Haha. Sorry. I do know these people with the POOR mentality... They are neverhappy with anything. It's just never enough.
As to why they don't branch out when it's not at their own expense, well that's just reflection of their own life: they don't recognize it as an opportunity and take it.
I would simply get a new bf. You do not want to live the next 70 years dealing with his family's problems. He will soon sway you into feeling obligated to help his loved ones out by letting them move in. But he won't say nothing when it's time for them to move out.
They will see you as the bad person or the push over. They will never see you as a friend. Imo. Move on from him and his family problems. Jmo
OP,
First, are you working up your brain because you want to help them or your BF pleads you to do something? What is his view of the situation? If you refuse to actively help, what will happen to your relationships? Are these relationships critically important to you? I'm asking not because I want to see answers here, I think you have to have answers for yourself before moving farther on this road.
You seem to be a really kind man, and often kindness attracts parasites. In order not to waste (completely) you time, resources of your soul, money, energy, free time etc., you have to create a business plan with clean measurable desirable outcomes (goals). When one goal is reached, you can invest more. If even a smallest goals are unfulfillable, stop. Don't beat a dead dog. I'm talking about goals like "make sure she understands the negatives of having a baby in her situation", "staying at a job for a year", "being prompt with repaying her debts", "being on time and behaving civilized when we are going out for dinner", "getting her GED", etc. Of course, this business plan must include a motivation plan (I'm afraid, negative motivation must be also used), spending (time, money, effort) plan, timeline, etc.
Don't just drop the case. It seems to me, you have some good in you that you are willing to share. Good, like information, doesn't decrease when shared. Just don't have big expectations.
But the most important question is - is your partner with you or with them, are they so dear to him that he can hold a grudge against you if you don't interfere?
God, you people make me so depress... The most depressing part is you're right.
I just came home from work today (spent 12 hours at work today) and got word. It will take $2k to fix their car. They've decided to sell it to a junk yard for $300.
They just spent $1500 to buy that car just 3 months ago, too. From a distance, it seems to me like being poor means one bad thing after another keeps happening. They don't ever seem to get a break.
Eyes forward and square your hindquarters away, Young Man.
Auntie Mockingbird is going to tell you some things you do not want to hear, but desperately need to hear.
I was a social worker for over decade. I know from whence I speak.
Let's get one thing clear. About this whole "getting a break" notion:
"A break" is what you get when you have made -- and carried through -- thousands, nay! tens of thousands! of good decisions. Over and over, day after day, morning noon and night. Ten thousand days of working late just to tidy things up. Ten thousand days of prudently buying what one can reasonably afford. Ten thousand times hoisting yourself out of bed when the alarm goes off, and heading in to work. And a hundred thousand times of pondering 'is this right, reasonable, and prudent' before doing any, any, any thing in the world from what temperature to launder your clothes at, to buying a home with a mortgage!
In short, we earn our breaks in the world. We earn them one foot in front of the other, one right decision after another. We earn them every time we fix something instead of buy a new one. Each time we make it into work when we would prefer to lollygag in bed.
Young Man, I am sure you are extremely intelligent, hard working, and ethical.
What you are not is the opposite of those qualities. Thus, you do not recognize them in others.
You are as vulnerable as a blind, wounded, bleeding gazelle on the Serengeti plain.
You are prey. Ripe for exploitation. You are a walking ATM. The gift that keeps on giving.
You are as vulnerable as vulnerable gets. You may think 'vulnerable' is some little old lady hobbling down the street, handbag on her frail arm, through a known high crime ghetto. But that little old lady has likely been down the road enough days of her life to know to tuck a handgun into her bra.
What does 'vulnerable' look like? YOU are what vulnerable looks like!
Because you still think that this hot mess of a Dr Phil-quality dysfunctional predator farm of a 'family' "Just can't get a break"!
Luck has nothing to do with it. Decision-making -- bad decision-making -- has everything to do with it.
You are too soft hearted for your own good. And too naive.
Bluntly stated: You must cut off all contact with these parasites. Or you will get sucked into their destructive lives of drama, never to return to productive humankind. They will use you until they have sucked you dry, and can use you no more.
They will use you until you are broke and in jail yourself. How, you may ask, could they get such a nice guy broke and in jail? Simple: Identity theft.
When -- long months from now -- you finally see the light of day and quit handing out money... they'll already have a plan in place to get their hands on your money, your credit, your identity itself. Good luck with that.
If your BF is fine and supportive of you cutting his family completely out of your life, then BF is wise.
If BF keeps drawing you into contact with these predators... then BF is part of the problem.
Think long and hard. You've let them weasel their way altogether too far into your personal life already. And you are not street smart. You may be the smartest, most ethical person in the world. One I would be honored to call a friend, coworker or family member. But you are not street smart. You're wet behind the ears.
Cut these predators off cold. Period.
Grow a backbone. Make the hard decisions. Save yourself... or don't.
A couple weeks ago, we took the sisters out to lunch. Sister 1 ordered a typical chicken fingers with french fries meal. This was an honest to god restaurant, by the way, and not a fast food joint. Sister 2 was going to order the same thing as 1 when my boyfriend suggested she tried something else. So, she chose some kind if burger. When they brought it out, she looked at it and yelled out EWWWWW WHAT IS THAT WHAT IS THAT? Everyone in the restaurant looked over at us. Well, it was just cheese. She went on to making faces at it started acting like she was about to vomit. I asked the waitress to wrap it up for me and she went ahead and ordered chicken fingers. And that was 100% American food, too.
I am sorry, but you are a naive fool if you ever, ever do anything with or for any of them again.
If you even speak, write, text or otherwise maintain contact with any of them again. Cut them off. Cold.
They use you. They can use you as an object of ridicule. As an ATM. As a foil for their drama.
You are prey. You are not a person to them. You are a thing, a tool, a fool, an object. Disposable.
Because everything in their lives is disposable.
Think of their familial psychopathy as a force of nature, a tornado or wildfire. It destroys all in its path. It burns, churns, destroys... because that is what it does.
You can no more "fix" them than I can "fix" a tornado by waving my arms in the air in front of it.
A tornado: Destroys.
Their family condition, their way of being: Destroys.
Do you have any problem realising that it is the nature, the way, the natural course of events for a tornado to destroy all in its path? Are you sentimental or compassionate trying to uplift or "fix" a tornado?
Do you think you are somehow able to show a wildfire the error of its ways? Teach a wildfire a kinder, gentler or more productive lifestyle?
I hope not. But we can find ways to protect ourselves from tornados and wildfire.
We have sense enough to remove ourselves from their path!
Remove yourself from the path of this psychopathy, this course of destruction. Or it will suck you in. Either by you serving as its willing victim, or -- sadly, all too late -- as a victim of identity theft.
They do not like you. They do not respect you or look up to you.
Get out of their path. Throw up strong boundaries.
And by doing so, set a good example for the young man in your life who is in desperate need of a good strong example.
Wow. There are so many things wrong with this situation as presented that it's hard to break it all down. The OP seems hell bent on "fixing" the situation despite pages and pages of good advice. Frankly he might get more satisfaction from heaping his money into a pile and lighting it afire than continue along this path. At least he'd get a few minutes warmth from it.
To recap the good advice: One can't fix generations of laziness, desire for instant gratification and stupidity. The BF's family are all adults and will make their own shortsighted stupid decisions with or without the OP's help. With the OP's help (money) they will continue to make stupid decisions with him paying for it. (Brother being a good example of this.) They will not be grateful for expanding their horizons. (Sister at the eatery and the Habitat experience as examples.) It is not in their make-up and if the BF is grateful, then he is an anomaly.
And given all of this, the OP seems set on the path of inviting a scorpion into his tidy nest, not unlike the stupid sister bent on having a baby to love her, opposite of all common sense. Until the OP gets past his fascination with his little social experiment we are wasting words and time on this thread.
FWIW, OP I left home at 17 with not much more than a suitcase and a HS education. I didn't get to where I am today because someone took pity on me. Yes I got a few breaks, most of which were the result of jumping when opportunity presented itself and I used every one of them to better my situation. I've lived in a tent, in a commune, spent the first summer in AK living in an old bread truck, stepped up to several dodgy rooms, worked long hours, read everything (non-fiction) I could to increase my knowledge base, went back to school through a work study program and made something of myself. No one else could do that for me. In fact if someone would have offered me an open ended free place to stay I can't help but wonder if some of that fire in my belly to get on my feet would have gone out. That sister could do the same things today and it's easier because there are more governmental and private programs to help people like her but she doesn't want help.
You mean well OP but anything more than staying your distance will be a disaster for you. Frankly unless your relationship with your BF is rock solid, I'd keep an eye on that as well. I wish you luck.
I've gone back to the original post to focus upon the crux of the matter:
Quote:
Originally Posted by MetroWord
We feel obligated to help the sisters out... we can't just abandon them.
Yes. You. Can.
They are adults. They have already exploited and abused you.
You not only can, but must get them out of your life.
YOU as an individual. They are still your partner's blood kin, and he can maintain as much or as little of a relationship as he wishes with them -- So long as he respects your boundaries.
But I say this: If your BF insists or promotes that YOU have any contact with them, "help" them, or otherwise entangles you into their lives... BF is part of the problem, and you owe it to yourself to take a hard look at your relationship.
You and BF would benefit from family counselling to work this out. Any family counsellor worth his or her salt will know exactly what I am talking about. They, like me ( a former social worker), have seen it all too many times.
Now is the time you need to start looking over your shoulder. Your BF obviously has access to your personal information (SS number, employment history, financial accounts). Do you trust him not to give his siblings access to this?
Have you run a recent credit history on yourself?
They probably will not begin identity theft until your cut off the money and cut them out of your life.
But they will almost certainly do it. Hey, all Sis or her live in boyfriend has to do to get a nice car and new smart phone plus a credit card of her own to max out is to get a peak at your financial records! They need their own apartment? All they need is... I hope by now you see where this is going.
It happens every day. Hundreds -- even thousands -- of times every day. Ask any bank officer. Any social worker. Any accountant. Any family law attorney. Any family counsellor. Ask anybody who has to deal with sorting out the mess.
You think they won't? They will. Not while you are willingly serving as an ATM. But they will.
Wow, I cannot add anything, except to agree wholeheartedly with the last few postings. I am worried that OP even had to ask this question.
My only other thought is if you and your SO ever decide to have children, you should insist on leaving his part of the gene pool out.
Thank you all for your advices. You are absolutely right. I'll have a talk with my bf tonight.
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