Favoritism for Wife's Family (present, sister, reunion, adults)
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I'm not owed anything, but I do believe in honoring your father and mother if they've done nothing to deserve such treatment... I hurt more for them than for myself. "Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable."
I have maintained an amicable relationship with my brother, as he can't help being who he is and you really just can't stay mad at him. My brother and I actually cared for my mother during her last years; the SIL, although unemployed, never raised a finger to help or even called or visited. The Thanksgiving after her passing (just a few weeks later), I ate a frozen turkey dinner home alone, as I wasn't invited.
Think I'll ever NOT make alternative plans for another "family" holiday? Nope! Take back your power.
It sounds as though your brother did honor his parents if he helped you care for them. It's time to let the resentment on their behalf go, she can't hurt them anymore.
You just don't want to see it from his or her perspective, you are content playing the role of the designated victim. I can very well assume that she is a witch and your brother is a jerk while you are an angel but unfortunately it wouldn't help us find a solution where you aren't the proverbial elephant in each other's lives. You may not believe it but these situations effect everyone in the family, even children. This is just a constant source of tension for everybody. I urge you to try to get out of this vicious cycle and help them live their lives without this issue hanging on their heads.
It sounds as though your brother did honor his parents if he helped you care for them. It's time to let the resentment on their behalf go, she can't hurt them anymore.
I don't lose sleep over it, but it's a shame. As I say, something came up recently that made me think of it, and I was curious how widespread it is. Honestly, I seldom hear of it in my own circles. Most women either genuinely like their in-laws, don't wish to displease or dishonor their husbands by being obvious with their dislike, or live far enough away from them that it's a non-issue.
You just don't want to see it from his or her perspective, you are content playing the role of the designated victim. I can very well assume that she is a witch and your brother is a jerk while you are an angel but unfortunately it wouldn't help us find a solution where you aren't the proverbial elephant in each other's lives. You may not believe it but these situations effect everyone in the family, even children. This is just a constant source of tension for everybody.
I believe I admitted that I was no saint in response to her rejection; read carefully! It's not "a source of tension" when we never see each other... It's just, as I say, a shame, but I wasn't the initiator. When faced with this situation (which you obviously never have been), you have two choices: protect yourself from further pain by withdrawing affection or continue to beat your head against a brick wall and ask for further abuse. Perhaps one choice is more virtuous than another, but we'll react as we are built to react. FWIW: I suggest that the still-waiting-for-a-Thanksgiving-invitation SIL now try the first option...
I believe it is the original family member's primary responsibility to maintain his/her family relationships. Of course, the spouse should be supportive of this and not stand in the way of it.
For example, when my husband was alive, he wasn't that emotionally close to his mom. We lived two states away from her. He visited about three or four times a year (usually twice with me along), called her every month or two and talked for 30-60 minutes, and emailed her maybe once a month or so. Meanwhile, my parents live in the area, so we saw them often. I also have a pretty close relationship with them in general, and no matter how far I lived away, I would maintain a close relationship with them over the phone at the very least.
Now obviously distance and finances played into how often he could visit his mom, but much of the amount of contact he had with her was his choice. I didn't make plans for him to visit her and didn't remind him to call her or email her. To me, that was his responsibility. If he wanted to visit her, he would let me know, and we'd find a weekend that would work. I never stood in the way of their relationship, but I also didn't go out of my way to make him have a close relationship with her.
Anytime I hear about some evil wife that only cares about her family and doesn't "let" her husband have a relationship with his, I think it's much more likely that she just doesn't take on the responsibility for making sure he maintains contact with his family. Any why should she?
My husband's brother and his live-in girlfriend are like this. They are not married, nor do they have children, but we never get invited over. For quite some time we never saw her on holidays, and she often required him to only come to her family's home for holidays, while not coming to ours. My brother in law will disappear sometimes, refusing to return phone calls & texts, only to lie to my husband and his father when confronted (I never got a text from you, something's wrong with my phone, bla bla bla).
Either way, I don't mind, because I don't like either one of them. But it upsets my husband.
I guess my father in law is a bit like this with his girlfriend, too. He moved in with her a couple of years ago and we only ever get invited over for a holiday here or there, yet her children are over frequently and my father in law refers to her childrens dogs as his 'grandchildren' yet he won't give our dogs the time of day. I do feel this more a result of my husband and his father working together - since they tend to drive each other crazy.
"Anytime I hear about some evil wife that only cares about her family and doesn't "let" her husband have a relationship with his, I think it's much more likely that she just doesn't take on the responsibility for making sure he maintains contact with his family. Any why should she?"
As I've said, my brother definitely takes his cues from the woman in his life. He was pro-family when his GF was and not when his GF wasn't; he drank with the former GF and is now a teetotaler with his wife. Not a very firm sense of self, or he doesn't feel it's worth the energy. At any rate, one reason the wife SHOULD, if there are children, is because those strangers over there are also part of their history and destiny and are also their relatives. It's unlikely they'll regret not knowing that side of the family since they never saw them valued in their lifetimes, but it's remotely possible some distant future day.
"Anytime I hear about some evil wife that only cares about her family and doesn't "let" her husband have a relationship with his, I think it's much more likely that she just doesn't take on the responsibility for making sure he maintains contact with his family. Any why should she?"
As I've said, my brother definitely takes his cues from the woman in his life. He was pro-family when his GF was and not when his GF wasn't; he drank with the former GF and is now a teetotaler with his wife. Not a very firm sense of self, or he doesn't feel it's worth the energy. At any rate, one reason the wife SHOULD, if there are children, is because those strangers over there are also part of their history and destiny and are also their relatives. It's unlikely they'll regret not knowing that side of the family since they never saw them valued in their lifetimes, but it's remotely possible some distant future day.
But again, why is it her responsibility? If the husband can't be bothered to have a relationship with his own family, then I see no reason the wife needs to jump through hoops to make it happen. Simply put, it's asking a lot that she's supposed to value his family more than he does.
And the "oh, think of the children" lament just doesn't work on me. Again, it's obviously not important enough to him that his kids have a relationship with his side of the family. So because he doesn't care, she now has yet another thing that she "should" do. I'm sure with a husband, kids, and household to take care of (and maybe a job, too), she has enough that she "should" be doing without adding more.
Wow; please don't personalize... This isn't about you... Unless it is...
At any rate, I didn't come on here to argue fault; for the third time, I simply wondered how common this situation was...
Where did I personalize it? I spoke of a hypothetical wife that you said "should" care about maintaining her husband's relationshops with his family "for the children".
And I would argue that you DID come here to find fault. At least it seems like it to me. And if you're having to repeat it so many times, maybe I'm not the only one who thinks so. You keep saying you're "simply wondering how common the situation is", but you keep bringing up your brother over and over. He's the only example you've used and his is the only scenario you've entertained. Seems to me like you're the one taking comments personally.
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