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I am going to give therapy route a shot...if that fails and theses underlying issues do not get resolved, we are just going to totally disappear. I mean we will sell this house of ours and straight move to the other side of the country. Delete all our contacts out of our cell phones and get new cell providers and basically start a brand new life someone thousands of miles away. If erasing people from my life is what needs to happen, then so be it. And it will all happen quickly and without anyone knowing anything until they attempt to show up and discover someone else lives in our old house....
We've never had a support network anyways. Wives folks are about as bad as mine but seem to do a dang good job at masking their problems with alcohol and illicit spending and frivolous lifestyles, which is fine by me, at least they keep their baggage bagged up. Wish my folks would've discovered some way to do the same. Aunts and uncles and grandparents are spread out across the country.
It's called "running away". You can run away, but you can't hide. :-) And you WILL be found, because your parents will put out an APB on you. It's just way too easy to track people these days.
Damned if they do, and damned if they don't. If they do look for you, they are pushy and intrusive. If they don't look for you, they are uncaring and aloof.
Just asking. Because this thanksgiving started good and ended bad. Mainly because of my parents inability to take responsibility for their actions and talk about things that have been bothering me since I was a child. My dad is dismissive and would rather sweep everything under the rug and my mom is a mild narcissist who can't do any wrong and worships her dog. Heres a short story:
My parents ended up packing up and leaving early today because of a massive blow up between me (I started it) and them. My mom has NO respect for the way we do things in our household. She cannot function without her precious dog, which is fine, whatever floats her boat. And my dad can't do any wrong at all. Claims he's never done anything wrong in regards to raising me and when I bring up anything that I know he can't argue, he just chuckles and tries to brush it off. To me, that is massively disrespectful and childish as well as dismissive.
Today I have had enough! We have ONE inside dog, a chocolate lab, that is very WELL trained. The deal is is that when he comes in, we have him sit on the entry way rug to allow his feet to dry before walking around on our carpet. If we don't do that, the carpet will start to smell over time. A stinky smelly house is absolutely unacceptable to my wife and I. We politely told my mom how we would like her to do things with her dog. She agreed and then I observed her following our rules the first few times, then she just casually "didn't". I called her out on it politely and she said she "forgot". BULLSH**! Theres no way she forgot! Then she went back to following the rules, and then I once again observed her doing whatever she wanted and letting her dog in and allowing it to run around our carpet....not ok. We don't mind if the dog is inside, just follow our rules please. She can't do it, probably because its not important to her. And why do I assume that its not important to her? Well because I have had to sit and listen to her complain about how we don't lock our doors at night, both on our house and our vehicles, how we leave our shop open, this and blah blah blah. OK she's paranoid and has been since I can remember.
WE live out in the sticks. Nothing remotely dangerous is going to happen, expect maybe a bear get into the garbage or an elk lick our windows. We intentionally moved here to escape the retarded culture of city life. Anyways, I have told her to not be so worried about it and she replies with "well its not important to you guys, but it is to me." That right there immediately tells me that she does whatever is important to her, and if its not, well she just wont do it. Which is why I can ONLY assume that she had no respect for our rules, and simply tried to humor me (us). The icing on the cake was today, after breakfast, I was cleaning up because my wife cooks. I had cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed etc, swept the floors, yo name it, I cleaned it. Well my mother had her freekin PINK sweatshirt laying on the floor for her dog(blue heeler, Australian shepard mix) to lay on....there was hair all over it. She picks it up off the floor and proceeds to shake it vigorously, obviously in an attempt to shake the hair off. Upon observing this, I felt my forehead begin to sweat immediately and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I, calmly as I could, asked her to please not do that because of that hair, at which point she walked over closer to me and shook it again, clearly out of spite.
I lost it and the rest is history. I blew up and started yelling and told both of my parents that I have had enough of their ignorant dismissive disrespectful behavior and that they need to leave unless they can talk about this sh**! They, as usual, acted as if they did nothing wrong, didnt say much, packed up and left. I really dont care to see them on any holiday ever again and quite honestly do not want them at my house again. My dad is fine except for his inability to talk about things. My mom on the other hand....shes a basket case for which I have no theories as to why she behaves the way she does.....All I can think of is that her dad always spoke down to her and controlled her every move till she moved out. She's neurotic i guess.
I am going to give therapy route a shot...if that fails and theses underlying issues do not get resolved, we are just going to totally disappear. I mean we will sell this house of ours and straight move to the other side of the country. Delete all our contacts out of our cell phones and get new cell providers and basically start a brand new life someone thousands of miles away. If erasing people from my life is what needs to happen, then so be it. And it will all happen quickly and without anyone knowing anything until they attempt to show up and discover someone else lives in our old house....
We've never had a support network anyways. Wives folks are about as bad as mine but seem to do a dang good job at masking their problems with alcohol and illicit spending and frivolous lifestyles, which is fine by me, at least they keep their baggage bagged up. Wish my folks would've discovered some way to do the same. Aunts and uncles and grandparents are spread out across the country.
You are 28, married, independent. I have been married 30 years; early in my married life, I complained not so much about my own parents but my in-laws could be irritating (not my MIL so much; my FIL).
Finally, one day, an aunt sat me down and told me not to "sweat the small stuff" - in 10 years, you won't even remember. Like really, what difference does it make 10 years from now as to what a person wore, what gift they brought or did not bring, or if they wrecked your house. (My FIL used to bring "gifts" he found on the side of the road for our children, wrap them in newspaper, etc - after they left, my husband and I would throw everything away. The stuff he found was disgusting....but who now remembers).
I had no control over what others did - so I learned not to control everything people did. Like you, I would get upset (internally) and then later over things that in a few months are forgotten.
So, the aunt was right - we've dealt with injuries, illness and death of parents, teen behaviors (just wait!) and tons of other stuff.
You can only control how you react and how you react will set the tone.
No one is perfect; we all make mistakes. Heck, my parents made a decision when I was born (along with hospital staff) and as a result, I am blind in 1 eye and really poor vision in the other. My sibs all have perfect sight, much easier lives and there are times I feel I've missed out on a lot. However, I try to count what blessings I have and know there are others in way worse situations.
And, our perceptions are all different. What you sense from your childhood will be different from theirs.
My own mom died in 2000 - we all wrote something for the church bulletin - 8 of them were written - all paragraphs vastly differently. How could we have the same mother and MIL and have such different views of her? That sure opened my eyes too.
You are 28, married, independent. I have been married 30 years; early in my married life, I complained not so much about my own parents but my in-laws could be irritating (not my MIL so much; my FIL).
Finally, one day, an aunt sat me down and told me not to "sweat the small stuff" - in 10 years, you won't even remember. Like really, what difference does it make 10 years from now as to what a person wore, what gift they brought or did not bring, or if they wrecked your house. (My FIL used to bring "gifts" he found on the side of the road for our children, wrap them in newspaper, etc - after they left, my husband and I would throw everything away. The stuff he found was disgusting....but who now remembers).
I had no control over what others did - so I learned not to control everything people did. Like you, I would get upset (internally) and then later over things that in a few months are forgotten.
So, the aunt was right - we've dealt with injuries, illness and death of parents, teen behaviors (just wait!) and tons of other stuff.
You can only control how you react and how you react will set the tone.
No one is perfect; we all make mistakes. Heck, my parents made a decision when I was born (along with hospital staff) and as a result, I am blind in 1 eye and really poor vision in the other. My sibs all have perfect sight, much easier lives and there are times I feel I've missed out on a lot. However, I try to count what blessings I have and know there are others in way worse situations.
And, our perceptions are all different. What you sense from your childhood will be different from theirs.
My own mom died in 2000 - we all wrote something for the church bulletin - 8 of them were written - all paragraphs vastly differently. How could we have the same mother and MIL and have such different views of her? That sure opened my eyes too.
Very intellectual and mind opening post! Thank you! I am hoping therapy will help me get to the root cause of why things that bug me bug me.... I have read an online psychology book here and there, and have found that allot of what ails me is subconscience. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont think about something in a negative fashion. I blame my parents for that. I would love to just live with a positive mindset. I would trade all my money and material possessions to be positive and happy for the rest of my life. I thought that money could help me. Well it can't. It certainly affords my kids the ability to wear fashionable clothing to school, and my SAHM wife to carry on with her hobbies as she's fit, and me to do my hobbies...spend thousand on go fast part for my truck...eat pizza all the time(lol) and not really have a "budget". But I'm not happy. Some of the happiest people I've met have been what appear to be poor. But are they really poor? Maybe in a monetary sense, but not emotionally or psychologically.....
EDITL: for those of you wondering where my love of money comes from...well here it is:
riding in the back of a car as a child, that leaked smelly exhaust that gave me migraine headaches, I promised myself to pursue employment that would allow me the ability to purchase new cars.
Having to go without heat when the power went out due to massive windstorms & other natural disasters as a child, I asked myself, how come the neighbors have a generator and we don't? I promised myself I would never allow myself to be in that position.
Watching my dad get laid off from work and then us all go without food sometimes, because my mom felt compelled to chase her delusional dreams of becoming a famous horse trainer, at any cost. As I got older, I promised myself I would never EVER associate myself with any woman who even showed a remote interest in horses or animals whatsoever.
So in retrospect, I guess my drive to make dollars comes from my childhood (again). Sure, money is nice. We're not rich by no means, but if we need something, we just go buy it. I have trained my mind to separate my wants from my needs so that in the time we need something, we wont be kicking ourselves for frivolously spending earlier....
Last edited by crf450ish; 11-29-2015 at 05:34 PM..
My mom and I get along great. We don't see eye to eye on everything but she's always there for me and I for her. My dad is an ass. Textbook narcissist. He can't be bothered to pick up the phone and call my brothers or me, or answer the phone when we call. But when 10 months go by where I haven't heard from him, I can't bring it up to him and say it's a problem because he absolutely hates anything he perceives as criticism. He's an attorney, very intelligent, and extremely skilled at arguing and he will turn the table and make it seem like you're the one with the problem instead of acknowledging responsibility/fault and working toward a solution. He's always been like that. Don't think I've ever heard the words "I'm sorry" come out of that man's mouth my whole life.
I gave up a long time ago on trying to have any sort of normal relationship with my dad. I just smile and nod at his juvenile arrogance the one time a year I have to deal with him - Christmas - and that's only because I would feel too guilty not visiting them for Christmas, because I like my stepmom too much and I feel bad for what she has to put up with.
I'm not saying that I wish I had never been born, lol, but I do sometimes wonder why he had kids... I mean, he never did stuff with me or my brothers as a kid, never came to visit in college, etc. It was always my mom doing those things. Really, why have kids if you're just going to ignore them? Anyway, end of rant.
You must have the luxury of a functional family. I didn't use the holiday to unload on my guests.....the situation arose and I'm not going to continue to backdown and digress. At 28 years old, I've had just about enough of my parents sh**. I'm about to disown them!
How old are you? I had a pretty messed up family...and after about the age of 30 ya gotta get over it. That means figuring out a way to either deal with them or to be rid of them...you don't get to spend your whole life blaming them for stuff if YOU continue to let it fester by your own actions.
YOUR dog is trained...obviously hers is not trained to YOUR rules. Considering they were only to be there for a few days (or less) you could pretty easily have relaxed your rules or as another said, give her a towel to use for her dog.
I'd guess many of your "encounters" are made up of just waiting for the other to mess up enough that you can blow up. For both your sakes', either stop seeing each other or limit it to a couple hours in a public restaurant. You're feeding the flames and at some level, enjoying it.
I am going to give therapy route a shot...if that fails and theses underlying issues do not get resolved, we are just going to totally disappear. I mean we will sell this house of ours and straight move to the other side of the country. Delete all our contacts out of our cell phones and get new cell providers and basically start a brand new life someone thousands of miles away. If erasing people from my life is what needs to happen, then so be it. And it will all happen quickly and without anyone knowing anything until they attempt to show up and discover someone else lives in our old house....
We've never had a support network anyways. Wives folks are about as bad as mine but seem to do a dang good job at masking their problems with alcohol and illicit spending and frivolous lifestyles, which is fine by me, at least they keep their baggage bagged up. Wish my folks would've discovered some way to do the same. Aunts and uncles and grandparents are spread out across the country.
Why would you cut off your nose to spite your face? Uproot your kids and maybe lose money on your house over this - what about your job or your wife's job? What a huge and childish overreaction simply because you are too silly to figure out something reasonable.
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Don't sweat the small stuff....
