Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I need to just go get some serious therapy. Because this is never going to go away. No amount of alcohol, weed, and anger is ever going to make this disappear. No book has yet to give the tools I so desire to cope. So therapy it is.
I was where you are and I did get therapy. It helped me listen to what I was thinking. Therapy for me wasn't a process of realizing one day I was cured, so bye-bye therapist. Rather, the few months of therapy were the beginning of a years-long process in which scabs were pulled off, wounds examined, cleaned out and allowed to heal slowly.
I wish you luck and success. Most of the people on this thread are way off-base, BTW.
Op, I think everyone has some resentment they harbor over the way their parents handled certain things or the attitudes their parents had towards certain aspects of child rearing that they feel may have damaged them in the long run.
However, it is our job is adults to decide if these "crimes" were so bad that we should disown them or if we should let bygones be bygones. There's really no room for anything in the middle. Because there's not much productive about having that conversation 20 years later. It's not going to fix or change anything.
My simply acknowledging that my mother made it feel like I had to be perfect to be loveable fixed my problem and my attitude without my ever having to talk to her about it. I just had to understand what the problem was and what aspects of my personality were the result of them. Then I came to understand that nobody loves you because you're perfect. They love you because of the way you make them feel.
And I don't really believe it was done with malicious intent. If I did, then I would simply have nothing to do with her. I wouldn't try to argue her into admitting that's what she did. Because most parents are just trying to do their best with the tools that they have. And what good would it do?
Just try to figure out if your parents are annoying or if they are really bad people. If they are annoying, then put up with it as much as you can and avoid it when you know you can't handle it. If they are bad people, then get rid of them.
I found that a lot of the resentment I felt about the way I was treated as a child cleared up around age 30 with a few therapy sessions. It is about healing and quieting the inner child and approaching disappointment and conflict as an adult would. That usually means letting things go and knowing how not to react to old stimulus.
Hate my parents? No, that would give them too much power. I'm indifferent and I stay away from my mother (father is deceased).
There is no blame for my mother. She repeats what she learned as a child. Her mother was malicious. My mother had no chance of growing up to be a decent person when she was surrounded by the people she grew up with. I made a conscience choice to not be like them, so I removed myself from the family craziness. I don't harbor any hard feelings, though, I just stay away from them for my own sanity.
My parents aren't bad people but more hypocritical then anything else. They both profess to want to live a life for christ but then I see behavior that suggests otherwise, amongst other things. This is horribly annoying to me and my wife. I guess I don't really hate my parents, but can barely tolerate their presence. Now that I'm an adult and have had adequate time in the "real world" to develop my own views and perspectives on life, its become quite clear to me that my parents are living in their own box, in their own world.
I remember, more then anything else as a child, listening to my dad criticize my mom to death, as well as make snipe comment about her family. She would retaliate and do the same to him. Bickering, bantering, violent outbursts from both of them. All of this kind of stuff happened right in front of me. I think this has allot to do with my pessimistic negative outlook on life. This is the main reason I believe I need therapy. I cannot, for the life of me, get past the negativity that is harbored within me.
And I've known for over 10 years that its really abnormal and unhealthy to deal with anger with violence. Yet I still deal with mine in the same fashion. Is the cycle ever going to end?
It's really hard to visit a home of someone with ocd. I think a lot of what happened was that a non ocd person just doesn't think like that. It is hard to remember all the rules...or see the need for them.
However, I would hope you parents would be as accommodating as possible.
I get you have a lot of anger pent up. I'm glad you are considering therapy. I think it will really help if you invest a lot of effort and find a good one. Good luck.
Look, your parents have a life apart from yours and they are dealing with their marriage as best as they could. you may not know everything about it or them.
You should and could make a life of your own. live the life that brings you peace and harmony. make that the priority in your own marriage. think kind thoughts, including for your own self. don;t judge what you don't understand completely.
hating your parents is not the way. hate does not get you anywhere good. focus on what is good about your own life. count your blessings one at a time, every single day when you wake up.
start with good health.
My personal belief about ocd is it develops from a child's desire to control things in an out of control environment. They start controlling what they can, and come up with rituals to magically control things outside their reach. And I think it can get better with therapy, too. I am not an expert. It's just my experience. I have (had?) PTSD with a lot of ocd features. And treating the trauma took away the ocd features. And then talking with people with ocd.
Just my theory. But it sounds like it could fit your case as well.
My parents aren't bad people but more hypocritical then anything else. They both profess to want to live a life for christ but then I see behavior that suggests otherwise, amongst other things. This is horribly annoying to me and my wife. I guess I don't really hate my parents, but can barely tolerate their presence. Now that I'm an adult and have had adequate time in the "real world" to develop my own views and perspectives on life, its become quite clear to me that my parents are living in their own box, in their own world.
I remember, more then anything else as a child, listening to my dad criticize my mom to death, as well as make snipe comment about her family. She would retaliate and do the same to him. Bickering, bantering, violent outbursts from both of them. All of this kind of stuff happened right in front of me. I think this has allot to do with my pessimistic negative outlook on life. This is the main reason I believe I need therapy. I cannot, for the life of me, get past the negativity that is harbored within me.
And I've known for over 10 years that its really abnormal and unhealthy to deal with anger with violence. Yet I still deal with mine in the same fashion. Is the cycle ever going to end?
I'll tell you how it ended for my wife. Although her parents never argued in front of her (excellent!) nor did drugs or alcohol, mom was left at home to raise her 2 kids. Mom already had her problems, being the oldest of 4 and beaten as a child. She yelled and screamed at her 2 daughters, one of which is my wife.
Wife kept it all inside, and finally blew her stack at around 39.
Found out her Mom had cancer...she lived another 5 years, and my wife, although she tried; could never take back her own harsh words/which I am relating to your outburst.
Take it back, and do it as soon as you can adjust. After they are gone, all that is left is doubt and sorrow within your own soul. You do not want that.
Is there absolutely nothing positive that you can say about your parents? I presume they provided for you, made sure you had everything you needed, got an education, and you obviously were lucky enough to find a wife of your own. You need to remember that the relationship your parents have/had is theirs - not yours. I don't think they need to explain anything to you about how they relate to each other. You're grown up now and on your own - if you felt this way about them why did you invite them anyway? I think you were looking for an excuse to confront them and blow up so that you can continue this rage you're in over how mistreated you've been your whole life....there is a difference between a discussion and a yelling match.
Parents are human, they aren't perfect. I'm sure they put up with a LOT of crap from you over the years - and you blow up over dog hair and some wet dog paws on your carpet. I think you missed the entire meaning of what thanksgiving is all about this year.....someday when you no longer have the option of inviting them over, or seeing them sit at your table ever again - I hope the memories you made this holiday season come back to comfort you. What goes around comes around.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
