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My, my, my . . . what an uncomfortable holiday for everyone. I think I know where you inherited your "my way or the highway" traits from. :-)
I always think it's interesting when kids expect their parents to shed their old skins, like a snake, and develop new, convenient personalities while at the same time keepng their children (you) at the center of their universe. These are the same parents you've had since you were born. I doubt they've changed a great deal. You complain that they have never 'taken responsibility' for . . . whatever. Did they beat you? Abuse you? Neglect you? It's hard to know what their shortcomings were from your description. And what will an apology from them do? Change it? I suspect they, as most parents, were doing the best they could within their own limitations. All parents have limitations -- your parents, too, probably had parents who were less than perfect.
No one's parents are perfect. I kept hearing the theme here of "they don't respect me." Well, no -- because to them, you take unnecessary risks (not locking doors, etc -- remember, your parents probably read "In Cold Blood", which happened on an idyllic farm in the middle of nowhere), and seem overly obsessed with what most people would consider small things, like a little dog hair. From your mom's perspective, you seem to care more about your floor than her. Why not just wait until they are gone and then do a thorough cleaning? Why make yourself and everyone around you uncomfortable? That's not the hallmark of a good host.
Personally, if you were my son/daughter, I'd regretfully be thinking twice before visting you again. You're very angry at what, to me, are superficial things. You are demanding respect -- but I don't see any evidence of respect going the other way. You keep bringing up incidents that happened years and years ago -- for validation for feeling the way you do? Why do you need that validation? You are what you are, and more importantly, you can be anything you choose to be from now on, regardless of what kind of life you've had in the past. You're looking for an apology because life didn't meet your script? Well, good luck with that. :-)
I don't really have any words of wisdom for you or suggestions on how to "fix" the situation. I'm sad for both you and your parents, because I think you are both unhappy and disappointed.
You must have the luxury of a functional family. I didn't use the holiday to unload on my guests.....the situation arose and I'm not going to continue to backdown and digress. At 28 years old, I've had just about enough of my parents sh**. I'm about to disown them!
No one has a functional family. NO one. Pick your path of dysfunction because that's where 99.9% of the population resides.
My parents certainly did NOT demonstrate a happy marriage to me. They fought, screamed, threw things, and scared the crap out of me when I was little. I am firmly convinced that my Mother was some kind of bipolar with extreme ups and downs. Not easy to live with.
After living a distant apart, I could see my parents more clearly. Human with human flaws.
After I had my son - I appreciated my mother SO MUCH more and she was a great grandmother. Almost everyone has something positive about them. (I was about 36 when I realized this).
It's been my experience that no matter how you feel about your parents now ~ you will miss them when they are gone.
Lastly, your children are learning from you ~ how to treat THEIR parents when they are grown. Keep that in mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
I found that a lot of the resentment I felt about the way I was treated as a child cleared up around age 30 with a few therapy sessions. It is about healing and quieting the inner child and approaching disappointment and conflict as an adult would. That usually means letting things go and knowing how not to react to old stimulus.
Yes, yes, yes. Maturity and therapy go a long way.
You must have the luxury of a functional family. I didn't use the holiday to unload on my guests.....the situation arose and I'm not going to continue to backdown and digress. At 28 years old, I've had just about enough of my parents sh**. I'm about to disown them!
Hate is a very strong word. BTW your use of the word "retarded" in your OP is offensive.
Try growing up in an atmosphere that lacked even the slightest hint of positivity. EVERYTHING behind closed doors was negative. So negative in fact, that I thought it was normal to behave like it. It took me YEARS to discover that the way I grew up was very abnormal. My OP is just a snippet of a much larger story that I would never, and have never told anyone except my wife. The fact that I blew up about what appears to be small potatoes to much of you, is just a symptom of an underlying illness I have due to my negative homelife I grew up in. I have severe resentment issues, I admit that. I also admit that my parents did the best they could, but that doesn't magically change the way I feel about how my childhood went. Its no wonder none of our neighbors ever engaged with us, extended family never came over after I was about age 10 or so.... come to find out(and I thought they were lying) my aunts and uncles and grandparents stories were not exaggerations at all......They were mere observations of reality. Over the years I have casually brought up those stories in an attempt to understand my folks side, they dont even tell me their side. They focus on how inaccurate and "goofy" the family perceptions of them are. This was another red flag to me, even as a young adolescent.
Also, to all of you out there saying that I'm immature, cry baby blah blah etc.....well so be it. I am those things in regards to my parents. I more or less came here with the expectation of reading replies on how to deal with it, not read individual drug store psychology diagnoses of me. But thank you anyways
Try growing up in an atmosphere that lacked even the slightest hint of positivity. EVERYTHING behind closed doors was negative. So negative in fact, that I thought it was normal to behave like it. It took me YEARS to discover that the way I grew up was very abnormal. My OP is just a snippet of a much larger story that I would never, and have never told anyone except my wife. The fact that I blew up about what appears to be small potatoes to much of you, is just a symptom of an underlying illness I have due to my negative homelife I grew up in. I have severe resentment issues, I admit that. I also admit that my parents did the best they could, but that doesn't magically change the way I feel about how my childhood went. Its no wonder none of our neighbors ever engaged with us, extended family never came over after I was about age 10 or so.... come to find out(and I thought they were lying) my aunts and uncles and grandparents stories were not exaggerations at all......They were mere observations of reality. Over the years I have casually brought up those stories in an attempt to understand my folks side, they dont even tell me their side. They focus on how inaccurate and "goofy" the family perceptions of them are. This was another red flag to me, even as a young adolescent.
Also, to all of you out there saying that I'm immature, cry baby blah blah etc.....well so be it. I am those things in regards to my parents. I more or less came here with the expectation of reading replies on how to deal with it, not read individual drug store psychology diagnoses of me. But thank you anyways
The number one thing you could do in order to better understand yourself, your parents, AND your reaction to your parents ~ is to seek out some counseling. Doesn't have to be a psychiatrist or psychologist - licensed social workers are also skilled in working out family issues.
The number one thing you could do in order to better understand yourself, your parents, AND your reaction to your parents ~ is to seek out some counseling. Doesn't have to be a psychiatrist or psychologist - licensed social workers are also skilled in working out family issues.
Thank you for that. I actually never thought of that.
I need to just go get some serious therapy. Because this is never going to go away. No amount of alcohol, weed, and anger is ever going to make this disappear. No book has yet to give the tools I so desire to cope. So therapy it is.
That's a great beginning for you dear one and kudos for recognizing your issues at such an early age. I came from dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive parents and yes part of me still hates them for making my childhood a living hell. That being said, two wrongs don't make a right. I would never treat another human being the way they treated me. I hope you find a way to undo those learned bad habits you appear to be reflecting back to your parents. I would have done a thorough cleaning of the house after they left. I'm sure the dog left many hairs behind every where. This one incident isn't enough to disown someone in my opinion, but I see it as the last straw for you in what you perceive as a dysfunctional relationship between you and your parents. I think talking to a family therapist and bringing your parents into the picture is a good idea. You may have issues that have been blown way out of proportion, or you may have legitimate complaints that your parents need to own. Either way I hope you find a way to make peace with your inner demons, self induced or not. If your parents really did do the best that they could and didn't know how to relate then I say give them another chance. There was a point of no return after the abuse both physical and emotional started with my parents. I'm thinking your parents were not in that category. (?)
The fact that I blew up about what appears to be small potatoes to much of you, is just a symptom of an underlying illness I have due to my negative homelife I grew up in. I have severe resentment issues, I admit that. I also admit that my parents did the best they could
Hopefully you are getting the treatment(s) you need to overcome that underlying illness.
Also, you say your parents "did the best they could". That is pretty much what most parents do.
Sorry that yours did not live up to your expectations.... but since they did the best they could, you really should not be hating them.
That's a great beginning for you dear one and kudos for recognizing your issues at such an early age. I came from dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive parents and yes part of me still hates them for making my childhood a living hell. That being said, two wrongs don't make a right. I would never treat another human being the way they treated me. I hope you find a way to undo those learned bad habits you appear to be reflecting back to your parents. I would have done a thorough cleaning of the house after they left. I'm sure the dog left many hairs behind every where. This one incident isn't enough to disown someone in my opinion, but I see it as the last straw for you in what you perceive as a dysfunctional relationship between you and your parents. I think talking to a family therapist and bringing your parents into the picture is a good idea. You may have issues that have been blown way out of proportion, or you may have legitimate complaints that your parents need to own. Either way I hope you find a way to make peace with your inner demons, self induced or not. If your parents really did do the best that they could and didn't know how to relate then I say give them another chance. There was a point of no return after the abuse both physical and emotional started with my parents. I'm thinking your parents were not in that category. (?)
No they weren't drug or alcohol abusers. But my mom has chose animals over me more times then not. I remember being carted around as a child and having no choice but to sit in her truck ALL DAY long, except to urinate and deficate and get a "snack" out of the cooler, while she chased her delusional dreams of becoming a famous horse trainer. When they didn't have money for a babysitter or daycare, she would still go and drag me with her. Funny thing is, all these places she drug me around to, she never made any money there. She literally showed up to clean stalls and be the "grunt" for whomever place it was, in return she would receive "free" training lessons.
Meanwhile my dad was at work slaving away in construction barely able to make ends meet and then when he got home it was world war 3 under our roof. The lying about money, the fighting, the abnormal ways of dealing with problems. Just an all around negative atmosphere.
I remember going to friends homes as a kid and witnessing a "disagreement" between their parents. This was thought to be "fighting" in their eyes. I told my friend, "yeah right, you wanna see a real argument between mom and dad, come to my house".......
Oh I should mention that we went to church every sunday as well. Yeah my parents should have never been together nor had a child....I was the accident that prompted my dad to propose to my mom. Everything as I know it has happened for all the wrong reasons...
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