My brother wants to move in with me. How do I tell him politely that I would rather not? (wife, dysfunctional)
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My brother just broke up with his girlfriend and since they were renting out a place together, now he doesn't have a place to stay in. He called me up the other day and asked me if it would be possible for him to move in with me for a few weeks until he finds himself a small cheap apartment. I tried to stall a bit of time and told him I was really busy and that we'd talk soon, since we're both studying in NYC. He's my brother, and I love him, and I feel really bad that he and his girlfriend broke up, but this really isn't a convenient time for him to move in with me. At all. First of all, I'm studying 24/7 and when I'm not, I'd like to go out and spend some time with my boyfriend or my friends. I really don't mean to sound insensitive, it's just that I have no time for him at the moment.
I know he needs emotional support and comfort from me. We were really close during High School and had to deal with a lot of family stuff together, and we didn't really have anybody besides each other, but I don't think he realizes that things are different now, and that I'm not always going to have the time or the energy for him. He's a year younger than me and it's actually his first year at Uni so he doesn't really know anybody here. I was kind of happy when he told me he'd be coming to NYC to study, I mean, I have no other family here, so having somebody close to me isn't a bad thing, It's just the fact that my brother thinks I'm somewhat available for him at all times that bothers me.
He's generally really sensitive and he had a really hard time during High School, no friends, no girlfriend, nothing. And loads of bullying because he used to be overweight. I really don't want to upset him by telling him "No. You can't stay." It will hurt him, and then I'll feel really guilty. Our parents are all the way in California, there's no way he can live with them because he's studying here.
Another problem is my boyfriend. Obviously I'm going to have him over at my place, and it's going to be really awkward if my brother accidentally walks in on us in a compromising position. It's already happened before with my boyfriend from High School, my brother walked in on us having sex and it was so incredibly awkward I actually cringe when thinking about it. I don't want a repeat of that.
Bottom line is, I really love my brother, but the last thing I want is for him to move in with me, it just won't work, but I don't know how to tell him, and also, where is he going to go? Ugh this is all so conflicting. He should have just stayed in the dorms, that's true.
Thanks for the advice
-J
You're incredibly selfish. He is asking to stay with you for a few weeks.
Do you live in a studio? Do you not have a bedroom? Doesn't your boyfriend have a place that you go do the horizontal bop in?
Your boyfriend most likely won't even be in the picture in a year.
Your sibling relationship is the longest relationship you will have in your life. If your brother was a problem person I could understand, but he isn't.
My brother just broke up with his girlfriend and since they were renting out a place together, now he doesn't have a place to stay in. He called me up the other day and asked me if it would be possible for him to move in with me for a few weeks until he finds himself a small cheap apartment. I tried to stall a bit of time and told him I was really busy and that we'd talk soon, since we're both studying in NYC. He's my brother, and I love him, and I feel really bad that he and his girlfriend broke up, but this really isn't a convenient time for him to move in with me. At all. First of all, I'm studying 24/7 and when I'm not, I'd like to go out and spend some time with my boyfriend or my friends. I really don't mean to sound insensitive, it's just that I have no time for him at the moment.
I know he needs emotional support and comfort from me. We were really close during High School and had to deal with a lot of family stuff together, and we didn't really have anybody besides each other, but I don't think he realizes that things are different now, and that I'm not always going to have the time or the energy for him. He's a year younger than me and it's actually his first year at Uni so he doesn't really know anybody here. I was kind of happy when he told me he'd be coming to NYC to study, I mean, I have no other family here, so having somebody close to me isn't a bad thing, It's just the fact that my brother thinks I'm somewhat available for him at all times that bothers me.
He's generally really sensitive and he had a really hard time during High School, no friends, no girlfriend, nothing. And loads of bullying because he used to be overweight. I really don't want to upset him by telling him "No. You can't stay." It will hurt him, and then I'll feel really guilty. Our parents are all the way in California, there's no way he can live with them because he's studying here.
Another problem is my boyfriend. Obviously I'm going to have him over at my place, and it's going to be really awkward if my brother accidentally walks in on us in a compromising position. It's already happened before with my boyfriend from High School, my brother walked in on us having sex and it was so incredibly awkward I actually cringe when thinking about it. I don't want a repeat of that.
Bottom line is, I really love my brother, but the last thing I want is for him to move in with me, it just won't work, but I don't know how to tell him, and also, where is he going to go? Ugh this is all so conflicting. He should have just stayed in the dorms, that's true.
Thanks for the advice
-J
For whatever reason you dont want him, JUST SAY NO!
He's generally really sensitive and he had a really hard time during High School, no friends, no girlfriend, nothing.
Very strange that he had no girlfriend in high school, yet he starts his freshman year of college by moving in with a girlfriend in NYC. So he moved to NYC for school in September, immediately met a girlfriend who he decided to sign a lease with? Where did he live in NYC before he met her?
Let him stay, but be firm as far as his time frame in moving out. I'd even go so far as to put it in writing a deadline to when he must be out. Also, require him to make some kind of contribution to the apartment, such as keeping it clean and help with buying groceries or a utility bill. Make sure he understands everything at the very beginning so that he can't come back at you later and complain.
Just curious. Can't the OP's brother just look for another apartment and have a roommate share it with him if he can't afford to pay the rent by himself?
Wow. I'd move my husband and kids into a hotel if my sister had no where else to go and needed to stay with me. Especially if she needed me for emotional support. I'm there for her always, and never once would I question the same love and commitment from her.
I understand sitting down with your brother to establish rules, boundaries, and a time table for him moving on, but I just can't fathom why you wouldn't want to help him out. Your reasons are shallow and selfish at best. If you want to hang out with your boyfriend, go over to his place. Dig deep and do the right thing here.
LOL, what?
Somehow, I doubt your husband and kids would be alright with that. Tell me that's a joke.
Most likely your boyfriend will not be in your life in a year or two at most. Your brother is your brother for life. I think your priorities are skewed since it seems more important that you have privacy to get laid than that you help your brother out. Who just moved to the big city. Who just broke up with his girlfriend.
Where is your heart? He's asking for a hand up for a couple of weeks. If the shoe were on the other foot I bet you'd be asking for his help!
Or maybe that boyfriend could end up marrying her or something.
Family is family and it sounds like it is only a temporary thing.
I'd say you let him stay and be a supportive sister.
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