Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
In some ways, this hit my eldest daughter harder than my youngest one. She's older than her sister so she knows more about the world. Both my kids have always been happy and buoyant. My youngest is back to being herself but my eldest has been somewhat melancholy ever since the incident. She's one of the reasons I am adamant about maintaining my stance.
good for you, always show your girls they are the most important relationship.
When she said 'different times" she may be referring to when a person could give their opinion and not be attacked for it.
I think the aunt was just being honest, very mean but honest. She finds lighter skinned more attractive just as many others do.
I used to work with a Black woman who wouldn't let her daughters date anyone darker than coco brown. I really don't know what that shade is but I heard her say it enough. I worked with a Black man who never drank coffee when he was young because his parents told him it would make him blacker.
It is terrible what happened to your daughter. I don't know how I would have handled it, probably not well. But as I said in another post this will happen again and again throughout her life.
I don't think it's just being honest about beauty preferences. "Lighter is better" is deeply ingrained in our society. If you read books, a suggestion I have is Lawrence Graham's Our Kind of People, about the long-time wealthy, lightskinned subclass of black society that most white people don't know exists. The author's own grandmother used to yell at him to get out of the sun because he was black enough as it was.
There are heartbreaking studies where little black girls chose white dolls because they were prettier--picking up on that message so young.
Sorry, I still want to slap the aunt upside the head.. yeah, violence isn't the answer, I know. But I can fantasize.
This is no better than saying it's ok for a child to be around a child molester as long as everybody in the family makes nice about it.
It's about time women (and men) stood up for their children and stop being afraid of "what the family will think". It's because of that very thing that my uncle got away with molesting me.
Absolutely, 100% this.
All the excuses being suggested for the OP's aunt don't add up to one pass. She was dead wrong, she is cognizant enough to offer a flimsy excuse of "different times", and not remorseful. She, and the family members that want to keep the peace are doing the OP and her daughter a disservice that cannot be ignored.
When she said 'different times" she may be referring to when a person could give their opinion and not be attacked for it.
I think the aunt was just being honest, very mean but honest. She finds lighter skinned more attractive just as many others do.
I used to work with a Black woman who wouldn't let her daughters date anyone darker than coco brown. I really don't know what that shade is but I heard her say it enough. I worked with a Black man who never drank coffee when he was young because his parents told him it would make him blacker.
It is terrible what happened to your daughter. I don't know how I would have handled it, probably not well. But as I said in another post this will happen again and again throughout her life.
Good gravy! It's so horrible that people all over the world ( it's not just Americans ) have this hangup about white skin being better. People in the Phillipines and Mexico bleach their skin. They do it in Japan as well.
One of my best buds is an absolutely stunning black woman. People turn to stare at her in the streets. She has very dark skin.
People make other people feel bad about themselves with these prejudices. People are dicks.
I don't wish to get off topic here, but I don't agree. Prior meeting me, I was the first white woman he had been with (prior our relationship, he'd been engaged to a black woman but things didn't work out). It's the same for me. Prior meeting my husband, all my partners had been white. We met, we hit it off, fell in love and the rest is history. That doesn't mean my husband doesn't value black women, just like it doesn't mean I don't value white men.
Same with my sister's husband. They were both recently divorced from spouses of their own race. He worked at a hospital as a billing clerk and had a second job at night at a Duncan Donuts. She was in nursing school and cleaning motel rooms at night and went into the Dunkin Donuts after work. They just got to know each other and fell in love. And she will tell you, it was different 40 years ago. They would be the only interracial couple at the mall, and people would stare. She was afraid to tell the other nurses where she worked that her husband was black for fear the white nurses would avoid her and the black nurses would resent her.
But they are still together at 66 and 69, and they are still in love.
It was mean regardless of what the critical comparison/putdown was. It was awful to compare sisters, that breeds resentment and guilt - you never do that with siblings. So even if you took the racial aspect out, this lady is just mean to kids. What is the girl supposed to do, change color? Accept that she is supposed to be less attractive because of one feature? What possible motive is there for the aunt to say what she did to the girl except to be mean.
This. Even if she could be educated out of her colorism/racism, she'd still be just mean. There's no non-nasty reason to be fomenting jealousy between siblings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty
I know someone who has experienced dementia, and in her case, she turned into a bigger b**ch than she previously was.
The aunt, if this was indeed strange behavior for her, should have done the decent thing and apologized - not made an excuse.
Also this. Most people with dementia who were really kind to start with don't become unkind. The filters come off, people become more irrational, they have dramatic changes of mood - all of which can be difficult to deal with - but AFAIK maliciousness isn't a symptom of dementia in someone who didn't already have a pretty good malicious streak going.
Tangentially, my one grandmother, who was all her life basically a saint, had the only gracious case of dementia I've ever seen. By the end she had no idea what was going on from minute to minute, and when she lost track of things or forgot exactly who you were, she'd just start giving random compliments and asking you to stay for tea, like her default mode was just to make people feel welcome. She'd get upset sometimes if she was too disoriented or overtired, but she wasn't mean about it. FWIW she was a white elderly lady who had definitely grown up in a "different time," but she was just as pleasant to her mixed race grandchildren. She occasionally commented on it in confusion (we still joke about her comment of "Oh my, where did this beautiful brown baby come from?") but not with hostility.
Location: Metro Atlanta (Sandy Springs), by way of Macon, GA
2,014 posts, read 5,102,358 times
Reputation: 2089
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronicka
I see it as possibly less about race, and more about beauty. She favors what she sees as beauty.
It is comparable to having a fat child and a thin child and favoring the thin child and telling the fat child to be more like her sister.
It is favoritism. It didn't sound like she had a history of racism or objecting to your union. Maybe there is more to the story.
I would try not to start a family feud, and keep it between you and her. Your parents are involved now and they are taking sides of course. It seems like what is best for the family is to not even repeat what was said. You don't want those words uttered ever again into another ear.
The kids love the family and they shouldn't be punished further, or be the topic of gossip. You don't have to forgive the aunt or interact with her but think about what is best for the kids and how to not allow negative attention to shine on them.
Deflection.
Even if that were the case, she's still associating lighter skin with being more beautiful. At the very least, that'd still be colorism. The "I grew up in a different time" excuse she offered the OP says enough to me. It sounds like you're making excuses for the aunt.
My niece has a daughter by a dark skinned man. That girl is treasured by our entire family & if anyone would downgrade or insult her because of her color they would have a whole bunch of people to look out for, unless my brother (her Grampa) got to them first.
She is in her teens now and feels secure in the love she's received.
Please do NOT let anyone, family or not, destroy your daughters confidence in herself.
You all are looking at this from an adult standpoint. Look at it from the girl's perspective.
Your father (first male role model, etc. etc...) says to you that just because your skin is darker you are NOT less attractive than your sister.
Is the child going to see it that way? Is she not going to wonder if her father sees white as more beautiful? Come on, folks.
Of course, if that's also the message she's getting from other sources, like this aunt, and if that message isn't counteracted. But mom chose dad, as well.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
