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I come from a very large family. Large but closely-knit. Everyone turns up for birthdays, weddings, parties, etc. Cousins in our family aren't cousins - they are brothers and sisters. Aunts and uncles are more like second parents. It's always been like that in our family and I feel very privileged to have grown up in such an environment. But right now things aren't good, and it all starts with what my aunt (mom's sister) said and did to my daughters.
My daughters (11 and 14) are biracial. I'm white and my husband is African-American. As I said, my family is closely-knit, so when I was growing up as a child, I considered my aunt to be something akin to a second mother. We were close, and until this incident, had been close. Sometimes my daughters would spend the weekend at my aunt's place.
Two weeks ago, I picked my daughters up after they spent the weekend at my aunt's place. My youngest started crying, and my eldest also started crying. I asked them what was wrong. My eldest told me that during the last few visits to her house, my aunt had been favoring her. With things like treats, compliments and just general friendliness. And that she hadn't been as receptive to my youngest daughter. The reason? Because my 14 yr old has lighter skin (it's more "white" than "black") and my 11 yr old has a darker complexion (think light caramel brown). She told my youngest, "if only you had your sister's skin tone, you'd be so much prettier. It's a shame."
Words cannot explain how angry and heartbroken I was (and still am) when I heard this. I confronted my aunt. She didn't deny what my kids told me about her - she only came out with BS "I grew up in a different time" excuses. I told her that I never want to see her anywhere near my family again. I just can't believe she did and said the things she did. This is a person I simply don't know. And the fact that it wasn't a one off, "slip of the tongue" occasion makes it even worse. It was absolutely calculated and deliberate over a period of time.
As I have said, my family is closely-knit, and this incident has caused a stir. My parents are just as furious as I am and are not speaking to my aunt. There are several people in my family (my siblings) who have taken the same lead. But then there is another side that is saying I'm overreacting and that I should forgive my aunt. That what she did and said isn't too big a deal. There are several big family events coming up and with the way things are right now, they are going to be a total disaster.
I just can't find it in me to forgive my aunt. If she had done something directly to ME (and isolated to myself) I could find it in me to forgive. But not what she did to my daughters. No way. First of all there is no way I could trust my aunt to be alone with my daughters ever again. Also, I don't want my kids to remember what happened. That will happen every time they see my aunt. And I simply will not put them in that situation.
You can forgive your Aunt. That would be the right thing to do - just don't let her near your kids again.
No one should make anyone feel bad anout the way they look, period. Making someone feel bad because of her skin tone shade earns a person a place in hell. Making a child feel bad because of her skin tone earns a person a special place in hell. Forgive her, if you can, but as you can see I've already damned her to hell - and I will bet that I am whiter than she is.
Children don't forget comments like those. Do your best to teach them she is from a dying generation.
I have a hard time with her 'forgiving' the aunt. It is going to take a long time for the girls to forget this, if ever.
My sister and I were the best of friends until people said I was the pretty one. I always admired her and was heartbroken when she turned her back on me. This has never been fixed and, as it stands, I keep my distance from her. Please help your daughter's avoid this.
You may think it's a true story, you may want it to BE a true story, but it isn't.
Not only do I speak out against racism, but I will also advocate for tolerance of the mentally ill. This does not mean I will engage with them in an argument, however. It's pointless and a waste of time.
Keep your lovely daughters away from that vile person. This is cold calculating behavior.
Protect your daughters regardless of the fallout from other family members. Who cares. Your daughters are more important than the entire lot. Make certain they know this.
There is no excuse for such despicable behavior.
And stop being absurd people, it is all about racism.
They know it's about the r-word but they want to remain in denial about it.
I have a hard time with her 'forgiving' the aunt. It is going to take a long time for the girls to forget this, if ever.
My sister and I were the best of friends until people said I was the pretty one. I always admired her and was heartbroken when she turned her back on me. This has never been fixed and, as it stands, I keep my distance from her. Please help your daughter's avoid this.
They will never forget it. The damage has been done.
Unfortunately, this is not likely to be the last time that this is said to them.
I encourage the OP to talk at length to the girls about colorism. Maybe she get their father to talk to them as this is also an issue with minorities (Asians most notably but certainly also Latinos, Africans and others).
It is a coincidence that I was just thinking about this today. I have two multiracial nieces and I was thinking how glad I am that they are exactly the same color with exactly the same hair. I do not want them to ever be compared in a way that will be a wedge between them. With counsel from adults in the family, the OPs girls will be able to move on from this.
Personally I think one should be very very careful about saying things like "I never want to see you again" over words someone else said, when among family. What would be the ideal outcome for you in this situation? Is it really that your family cuts her off and never sees her again, ever? What will your daughters learn from that, is that what you want them to learn about how to handle racist comments? One doesn't have to accept such behavior, but how you respond will teach your children something - just make sure it is a lesson you want them to learn.
I come from a very large family. Large but closely-knit. Everyone turns up for birthdays, weddings, parties, etc. Cousins in our family aren't cousins - they are brothers and sisters. Aunts and uncles are more like second parents. It's always been like that in our family and I feel very privileged to have grown up in such an environment. But right now things aren't good, and it all starts with what my aunt (mom's sister) said and did to my daughters.
My daughters (11 and 14) are biracial. I'm white and my husband is African-American. As I said, my family is closely-knit, so when I was growing up as a child, I considered my aunt to be something akin to a second mother. We were close, and until this incident, had been close. Sometimes my daughters would spend the weekend at my aunt's place.
Two weeks ago, I picked my daughters up after they spent the weekend at my aunt's place. My youngest started crying, and my eldest also started crying. I asked them what was wrong. My eldest told me that during the last few visits to her house, my aunt had been favoring her. With things like treats, compliments and just general friendliness. And that she hadn't been as receptive to my youngest daughter. The reason? Because my 14 yr old has lighter skin (it's more "white" than "black") and my 11 yr old has a darker complexion (think light caramel brown). She told my youngest, "if only you had your sister's skin tone, you'd be so much prettier. It's a shame."
Words cannot explain how angry and heartbroken I was (and still am) when I heard this. I confronted my aunt. She didn't deny what my kids told me about her - she only came out with BS "I grew up in a different time" excuses. I told her that I never want to see her anywhere near my family again. I just can't believe she did and said the things she did. This is a person I simply don't know. And the fact that it wasn't a one off, "slip of the tongue" occasion makes it even worse. It was absolutely calculated and deliberate over a period of time.
As I have said, my family is closely-knit, and this incident has caused a stir. My parents are just as furious as I am and are not speaking to my aunt. There are several people in my family (my siblings) who have taken the same lead. But then there is another side that is saying I'm overreacting and that I should forgive my aunt. That what she did and said isn't too big a deal. There are several big family events coming up and with the way things are right now, they are going to be a total disaster.
I just can't find it in me to forgive my aunt. If she had done something directly to ME (and isolated to myself) I could find it in me to forgive. But not what she did to my daughters. No way. First of all there is no way I could trust my aunt to be alone with my daughters ever again. Also, I don't want my kids to remember what happened. That will happen every time they see my aunt. And I simply will not put them in that situation.
Well, I don't know if you need to forgive what she said. It wasn't just a slip of the tongue - she revealed her feelings, and that's the disturbing part of it. She opened her mouth and the damage is done. She's no doubt feeling the heat from family, so there is nothing else you need to do but hope that she gets the full picture of what she's done and learn from it. The lesson is on her lap.
Personally I think one should be very very careful about saying things like "I never want to see you again" over words someone else said, when among family. What would be the ideal outcome for you in this situation? Is it really that your family cuts her off and never sees her again, ever? What will your daughters learn from that, is that what you want them to learn about how to handle racist comments? One doesn't have to accept such behavior, but how you respond will teach your children something - just make sure it is a lesson you want them to learn.
Well I'll be honest - never seeing my aunt again isn't feasible. She'll be there at family events which I and my family will attend. And one thing that I hope to teach my daughters is not to put up with stuff like this. A poster here wrote earlier that in his/her family, being on the receiving end of racism or colorism is the norm. And that's something I want my daughters to know is NOT okay. Even if it is happening within the family (and not some random stranger) it's completely unacceptable and they don't have to put up with it. When I and my husband were dating, he cut off a friend (he grew up with the man and considered him a brother) because he vehemently disagreed with our marriage simply because I was white and he was black. Long before our kids were born, we told ourselves we wouldn't tolerate things like that, even if the end decision was difficult.
There are a lot of people in families that put up with the most horrendous things because of blood ties. And a lot of people use the ties of family as an excuse to not take decisive action. That's not okay at all.
I have a hard time with her 'forgiving' the aunt. It is going to take a long time for the girls to forget this, if ever.
My sister and I were the best of friends until people said I was the pretty one. I always admired her and was heartbroken when she turned her back on me. This has never been fixed and, as it stands, I keep my distance from her. Please help your daughter's avoid this.
God, this is so awful. I'm sorry for what happened.
Hearing stories like this just makes what happened feel even worse.
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Yes, they know
