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I have been in this situation before and got so fed up I demanded to know what it was the giver was actually trying to give me. It was not a sensitive approach and I don't recommend it, but it does get to the heart of the issue.
Whatever the reason your mother's own home is cluttered, she is clearly trying to "give" you something and it is not working. So maybe you could consider what you might like to receive from her? Tell her that you prefer experiences and would like to do something together, or that you are passionate about a philanthropic cause and would love it if she would support it financially along with you, or that you're saving up for something in particular? It doesn't really matter what the item is that is exchanged, or what it's financial implications are, maybe she just wants your attention and/or appreciation. She'd be a lot closer to receiving those things if she understood who you actually are and what you value. It's worth a shot of trying to convey that to her.
I have been in this situation before and got so fed up I demanded to know what it was the giver was actually trying to give me. It was not a sensitive approach and I don't recommend it, but it does get to the heart of the issue.
Whatever the reason your mother's own home is cluttered, she is clearly trying to "give" you something and it is not working. So maybe you could consider what you might like to receive from her? Tell her that you prefer experiences and would like to do something together, or that you are passionate about a philanthropic cause and would love it if she would support it financially along with you, or that you're saving up for something in particular? It doesn't really matter what the item is that is exchanged, or what it's financial implications are, maybe she just wants your attention and/or appreciation. She'd be a lot closer to receiving those things if she understood who you actually are and what you value. It's worth a shot of trying to convey that to her.
I'm not sure how you would recommend going about this?
Asking her what she wanted me to receive from her would likely result in a very long, drawn out and confusing reaction.
It sounds like you are an enabler since you are the only one still putting up with her bad behavior. I wonder if this might have something to do with your dating issues also.
As I already stated, I have clearly told her I do not want the items and on occasion have given some of them back and flat out not accepted others. That's not quite putting up with the behavior now is it? Especially when someone has resorted to hiding the things in your house until you discover them later because they KNOW you won't accept the items if they gave them to you. How is that enabling?
It isn't.
If you want to continue the discussion about another thread of mine I kindly advise you post about it in the other thread.
There are websites where you can sell your gift-cards and get cash. The one I used last year would pay even more if you exchanged it for an Amazon gift card.
Thanks.
Now, the gift cards sent earlier this year was a rare occasion of something I actually used. I think I mentioned, I actually used most of them and I regifted the others but that was a lot of cash value to send to me considering she's not working.
But I'll keep that in mind next time I get any from her.
I have a friend like that who loves loves loves resale shops. She is always giving me clutter which I don't want either. I look at it as her way of showing love. I appreciate the thought and I have some space dedicated on my kitchen window with some things she's given me over the years. They make me smile because I know I'm loved. That's the best part of the gift.
That witch toy with the suction cup on the bottom that bounces away appeals to the inner child. I have to keep that and the little scare crow boy that sits next to the solar bee that rocks back and forth. Okay the giant spider and giant ant were my idea. That's our friendship that I see every day that makes me smile.
I'm sure you can find something to keep from your mother that makes you smile. The rest can be donated for a tax right off, which we desperately need. It's win win and I accept her gifts as a token of our great friendship. Today I'm going to the beach and on the way I'm going to buy her a metal sun to hang on her house that she's been looking for and couldn't find.
She will now have a daily reminder of how she is loved and appreciated Your mother is just doing the same thing, only in a way that you don't need. Let her be her and find a way to make lemonade from those lemons.
Beautifully said, animalcrazy.
I also agree with those who said OP's mom should be checked out by a physician for possible dementia and/or OCD.
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Perhaps try to refocus your mom's gift giving instinct?
Instead of buying things maybe you could ask her to make something for you, food or a crafty item of some kind? That way she can 'show her love' without spending a fortune and maybe it will keep her too busy to keep running out and buying stuff all the time.
If she still insists on buying things perhaps you could get her to buy new items that you could then return and put the money aside for her in a special account. Or just go ahead and ask for money or a check for those special occasions like birthdays, and put that aside too?
and maybe you could give her back some of those items with an explanation of 'mom you seemed to like this an awful lot, i want you to have it to keep and enjoy for yourself'.
I have given back some of the items before; I will say this approach makes her pretty angry.
I guess this is one alternative; I could ask her to make me something instead but....ugh....what I really want from her is nothing. To stop spending money on things to give to me...period.
My grandfather started telling us in his later years not to buy him any gifts...he always stated this around his birthday and Christmas. And when every birthday of mine rolled around, he gave me a card with a check in it. In his mind, that wasn't a "gift" in the form he was speaking of. What he really meant was "I don't really want for anything anymore...don't give me random junk on birthdays or Christmas anymore." Lol.
And I get it...so I didn't. I'd give him a card. And I could tell he was fine with that and just happy to have us around and didn't want us to be spending money on him.
I can't make the same request of my mother and expect she respect that request.
I also agree with those who said OP's mom should be checked out by a physician for possible dementia and/or OCD.
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But the thing is, she doesn't believe in going to the doctor. She doesn't go...I've never ever heard of her having a checkup or seeing a PCP or anything related to healthcare. She is fiercely against this. She has extrememly high blood pressure and at one time I'd been, along with her sister, trying to convince her to go to the doctor for it. But that is definitely a losing argument. And I do mean argument.
All mothers do this TO AN EXTENT...but after many years of going above and beyond to give me stuff I don't need or want, I want this behavior to stop.
I'm not sure I 'can' stop it, but I am open to suggestions. By the way, telling her to stop has not worked.
So let me give you some examples of what I mean by giving me stuff:
A few years ago she visited me and stayed for almost a month. When she left, I went to sit on my bed (hadn't sat on it in a while because she had been sleeping in my bed). It felt hard and didn't "bounce back"...I looked underneath and realized the entire underneath of the bed (which I keep free/clear) was full of random "stuff" she had been putting under it during her whole stay. Stuff like t-shirts she had bought for me, old pictures she had around her house that she had framed, plaques with bible verses on them, old smelly clothes of mine from the 6th grade she had kept and brought with her...just stuff I don't want that she'd know I wouldn't have accepted if she just handed it to me.
We went on vacation to South Beach last fall. I noticed while going to the beach she had a bag with her but didn't think much of it. As soon as we sat down on the beach...with our feet grazing in the water, she started to unload this bag. She said she had a few things to give to me and proceeded to hand me chopsticks...a framed bible verse...other stuff I can't remember. I didn't extend my hand out to take these things and that led to a huge blow up and her saying I should tell her if I don't want things (which I've been doing for years) and that she was going to stop buying me stuff (which she never stops doing).
My mom stayed with me in Chicago a few days in July because we were flying out to Hawaii together. After she left, I found a t-shirt she had bought for me stuffed into my pillowcase of the pillow I sleep in at night when I was removing my bed linens to do laundry. I also found a 2-foot long "wall quote" stuffed under my couch when I moved it to vacuum. (I don't know how else to describe it; it's a bible verse made of plastic that you're supposed to nail to your wall or set on a long shelf.) There was something else she left for me here but I forgot what; I think I threw it away upon finding it.
Anyways:
I am so TIRED of this. My mom lives in a very "cluttered" house and hasn't worked in over 3 years so it makes me angry to see her waste money on stuff I don't want or need. I have politely told her many many times over a period of years to please stop buying me "stuff" and save her money as she's going to need it. She says it's no different than when I bring her back a gift from a place I've traveled to. Many people bring back token gifts but...this is NOT the same as what she does; she's on a different level. I've moved on average every 18 months for the past like 13 years and sometimes I just get so angry at some of the random stuff I'm repacking that she's sent me whenever I have to move that I just throw it away.
Why do you feel the need to make a big deal out of it or upset your mom with a rejection of her gifts? Why don't you just say "Thanks, Mom," and then give the stuff to Goodwill or the Salvation Army when she leaves?
The bigger issue is your anger at your mom, not the stuff she gives you.
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Your mother is just doing the same thing, only in a way that you don't need. Let her be her and find a way to make lemonade from those lemons.
