We moved to CO together -- GF not making friends (boyfriend, person)
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Likely dealing with homesickness and she's clearly out of her comfort zone. Is she being that unwilling to ride out the newness? There's only so much you can do, OP. If she's not going to be proactive, then there's nothing you can do but accept that it might be possible she's just ready to go back home. Did you ask her if she wants to go back? I agree with others, you really need a couple years to acclimate and build a network.
Personally, every time I moved away from where I grew up and then came back, it always felt a bit less like "Home". It's very possible that if she goes back that it's just not going to feel the way it was before, even if nothing had really changed.
Maybe volunteer in animal rescue together? Or something together at first than slowly let her make new friends while you quietly miss a volunteer day here and there.
I've been an expat almost as long as I lived in my country of origin. I've seen a lot of people relocate over the years. Some people think it's going to be a great adventure and just hate it the second they get off the plane, and end up back home within weeks. Not everyone is really cut out to live away from their home base and make a whole new life for themselves. Maybe she just really doesn't want to be there and would rather go home.
Or maybe she is just jealous of the fact that you have managed to settle right in and she isn't finding it so easy. She may also be regretting the new job if it's just not as enjoyable as her old job was. Leaving a really great work environment is hard when you end up somewhere that just isn't enjoyable at all. This coupled with the fact that she is missing all the people she spent her non-work hours with has got to be pretty tough.
If you're really not open to moving back, you need to look at how you can help her feel more at home. Since you find it easy to be around new people, take her to something you can do together, where you can also meet people. Have some of your friends bring their partners to something.
I agree. I'm trying to find a solution so she isn't so upset about it and starts to take some initiative to get involved. I hate seeing her unhappy.
I was pretty miserable when I first moved where I am. I was doing a house renovation and it was taking FOREVER. I was all consumed by getting it finished the first few months and really couldn't focus on much else. To top it off, I was trying to deal with a new office location with unfamiliar coworkers (it was at least the same company for me). I tried to get out and do things, but it's just hard when you don't really know the area well and are focused just on getting settled in.
I don't think it was until I'd been here about 3-4 months until I really started to move into the meeting new people phase. I really got into the swing of things after I'd been here around 6-7 months.
I move around A LOT and I think that the first six months anywhere are really difficult. It's pretty rare that I find that I fit in and find a place wonderful during that period, but once one gets past it, then it gets much easier. You feel like less of a newbie and start to know where things are. You start to find friends around the community and at work.
I agree. I'm trying to find a solution so she isn't so upset about it and starts to take some initiative to get involved. I hate seeing her unhappy.
She's making herself unhappy by having unrealistic expectations. She wants to have co-workers she can confide in? After just 2 months? Most people don't become best buddies or even close friends with co-workers at all. They go to work, put in their time, and enjoy time with friends after the workday is over. And it's completely unrealistic to expect to have made friends after arriving in a new location only 2 months prior. She's setting herself up for disappointment and upset with this mind-set she has. Have you noticed over the years any other tendency toward mental self-sabotage--just wondering?
Also, joining regularly-scheduled activities, like meetups, hobby groups, hiking or other sport clubs, taking workshops or classes, volunteering at the local food co-op, etc. is ideal for shy, quiet people who want to make friends. Because it gives people a chance to come out of their shell over time, as they get to know members of the group, and group members have a chance to get to know them. By declining to try this, she's setting herself up for more disappointment and failure.
Maybe she's still in a little bit of shock from the move, and at finding herself in a completely new environment. Kind of like "buyer's remorse" when someone buys a new house, and then after moving in, has a sinking, "OMG, what have I done?!" feeling, until they get comfortable in the new place. Adjusting takes time. Be patient with her, and encourage her to be patient, and to try a couple of local activity groups. She may only need time to feel at home in her new locale.
Some really good advice on this thread and it is repeated, almost verbatim, over and over and over and over.....
When I see a thread with an interesting topic, I try to start at the beginning and read thru. That way, I don't often end up posting something that is pretty basic and has been repeated 10 times as though it were new info. Obviously, some do not read the thread. If its already been said and/or I really have nothing new to add, I give them a small comment in private and let it go at that.
Good luck, OP. Find you and her some activities together and see where it goes. Be kind. Again, good luck.
You said she said she "doesn't feel valued at work." Hmm, that kind of says it all. In a new job, with only 2 months under her belt, she's supposed to be making an impression and proving herself as invaluable and the right hire. I think she is looking for people to come to her, not the other way around. Doesn't sound promising to me that she'll stick it out.
Colorado should be a great place for exploration. Take some of your time off and go explore the area. Build some memories for the two of you and try to include others in those activities.
I couldn't agree more. Colorado is one of the best states for exploring, and exploring doesn't require a group of friends to get started. It doesn't really require anything but a way to get around.
Some really good advice on this thread and it is repeated, almost verbatim, over and over and over and over.....
When I see a thread with an interesting topic, I try to start at the beginning and read thru. That way, I don't often end up posting something that is pretty basic and has been repeated 10 times as though it were new info. Obviously, some do not read the thread. If its already been said and/or I really have nothing new to add, I give them a small comment in private and let it go at that.
Good luck, OP. Find you and her some activities together and see where it goes. Be kind. Again, good luck.
OTOH, if just one person mentioned how unusual it was to have good friends after only two months and no one else repeated it. The OP of the thread may think "Well, that is just one person's opinion. I bet everyone else thinks differently." But when person after person repeats it the OP starts to think, "Hmmm, maybe my GF is over-reacting, I think that we really need to give it more time."
So, in this thread and in other threads, when a poster is repeating info it isn't always because they think that it is new as much as they are confirming that they agree with the previous posters, or perhaps putting a slightly different spin on it.
I agree. I'm trying to find a solution so she isn't so upset about it and starts to take some initiative to get involved. I hate seeing her unhappy.
If your girlfriend never lived in a new place before, she's going to need some time, and it probably seems overwhelming to her at the moment. Definitely see the exploring advice; you're in one of the best states possible and it blows the doors off of nearly [i]anything[/I that Illinois can or will ever be able to offer. Getting comfortable in your new state, and hopefully finding something new to do or somewhere to go, will help a lot.
Also, start a routine if you haven't. Go out for dinner on Friday night and find a favorite spot. You have to make your new home, "home". Call it "home", too. Don't make plans to go "home" to Illinois. Make plans to go visit Illinois and use the word "home" for the return trip.
Another thing is, two months is still in the transitioning phase. It's WAY too soon to expect to be settled in with a group of friends. I get where your girlfriend lived in the same area with the same people for a while, and she probably doesn't know what it's like to suddenly have no friends and not knowing where to start making them, since she hasn't had to do it in a long time (if ever).
Finally, Illinois and Colorado are totally different places, and I'm sure that even the little daily nuances that she doesn't notice are contributing to that. It's too much at one time. But each day try to pick off one thing that makes it feel more like home, where you do a familiar thing or go to a familiar place.
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