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There's the problem right there. That you feel you have to "do" something.
Your GF is lonely and homesick. You're in typical-guy fix-it mode, which tends to come across as brusque and uncaring.
You don't have to "do" anything other than trying to understand and relate to her feelings. You love it there, she doesn't. The proper thing to do is to support her, even if ultimately she chooses to go back. She's entitled to feel the way she feels.
Two months back, my GF and I moved from IL to CO together. The move was initially my idea, but given I can work remotely, a move was dependent on her finding a job. She has said a few times that she always wanted to leave IL and was looking at CA, CO, WA and MA when in college, but happened to get a job in her home town right out of school.
She found a job in March (pretty quickly, actually) and we were moving in July.
Fast forward to now and being here for two months, my GF asks me last night "so are you still happy we moved to CO?" -- My response was, "Yeah. I mean it sucked leaving behind friends and family, but there's so much to do out there and we're slowly exploring and meeting people"
The conversation then shifted to how she really hasn't made a lot of friends and doesn't feel as valued at work as she did in her old job and doesn't feel like she can joke around and confide in coworkers, etc.
I keep reminding her that when she started her prior job, two months in she probably didn't contribute much and probably hadn't made a ton of work-friends yet either. For outside-of-work friends, no one is going to be able to replace your college and high school friends that you've known for almost a decade.
I keep suggesting we go together to a few meetup groups of interests we have or a few other clubs that are geared for adults in their 20's and 30's. Her response is she has a hard time making new friends because she's really shy and quiet and has a hard time relating to others her age. My reply was "If you're never going to put yourself in a situation to meet people, you'll never meet people because you didn't give them a chance".
I'm kind of at a loss at what to do. I'm pretty shy in new groups, but months before we moved, I looked up a few clubs I'm interested in and went a few times. Met a few guys who I now meet up with a couple times a week to work out together. I realize that no matter what and who you meet when you move, it's never going to replace your old friends. But don't you have to give new people a chance?
Ask her to go along to meet ups (BTW, is this a generic meet up, or something like Meetup.com?) with you where at least she'll be interested in the activity (e.g. bar hopping, wine tasting, movies, museums, hiking, board gaming, classes, whatever). Limit it to once per month or so. At the very least, she has you at that event.
As others have mentioned, if it doesn't come naturally, then not much you can do about that. I'm also wondering how the 2 of you got together in the first place given her shy nature (and I'll admit, I'm a bit envious as I'd like to meet such girls myself :x).
Also, have a realistic timetable for how the progression goes. This is something I'm "sketching out", but feel free to fill in the actual time values of when to get to these points...
1) say hi to people
2) get to know them by name
3) know basic stuff like where they're from, what they do, how long they lived in the area, and what hobbies they enjoy
If there's interest in both parties to go further (usually after 3 to 9 months of knowing each other, and doing activities together of around 3 times every 2 months)...
4) exchange contact info like emails and/or cell phone
5) consider doing activities outside of Meetup.com
6) get a point where you're comfy and OK with contacting each other for questions like where to rent, buy a house, where to get certain groceries, buy appliances, or recommendation for doctors/services.
It is very easy to say than getting done. It takes time to build up friendships. you cannot push some one to make friend ship or it is not about giving new people chance. It is all about if she is happy in the new place from your post I feel like she did it for you not because she wanted. Any way be patient you both will be ok.
I know that has been said but it is hard to go to a new job. At your old job everybody knew you and respected you and came to you with questions and you knew where everything was and felt competent. Starting out at a new job always takes time to fit in. Unless it is a job you hate, you will fit in before long. It takes time for people to get to know you and eventually you become one of the crowd. Sometimes you click with someone, and other times you don't but these are work friends.
In my experience work people are busy with their lives. They have work and family often and they don't have time for socializing. Trying to schedule a coffee date can take weeks.
Old friends are best because you bond early on and stay friends. Those kind of friendships are special and family of course.
New friends will happen when they happen. That isn't easy because it takes a long time to get to know someone and usually there is a common reason to be together. Like work, or kids, or a hobby like dog-walking. You can meet people doing that.
What I don't understand is the need for 'friends'. We have the internet and the phone and the skype and the facetime and text. Being in another state shouldn't interrupt the friendships she already has. It may not be in person but a lot of the time it isn't anyway. People have different schedules and they have relationships and they are busy with their lives.
I think she will feel better when she adjusts to her new job.
The conversation then shifted to how she really hasn't made a lot of friends and doesn't feel as valued at work as she did in her old job and doesn't feel like she can joke around and confide in coworkers, etc
Quote:
Originally Posted by 43north87west
Finally, Illinois and Colorado are totally different places, and I'm sure that even the little daily nuances that she doesn't notice are contributing to that. It's too much at one time. But each day try to pick off one thing that makes it feel more like home, where you do a familiar thing or go to a familiar place.
Assuming OP is talking about Chicago and Denver here, the personalities of the cities/metros are entirely different.
What I've found in my visits to Chicago, and living as a transplant in Denver for almost the last ten years, is that interpersonal relationships in Chicago are more "homey", like the expectation is that you can be friendly/conversational with most everybody (especially in the suburbs). I talk to people in Chicago daily, and they are the most pleasant people I talk to throughout my day (I talk to people in assorted other cities daily as well).
In Denver (and much of the rest of Colorado for that matter), people on the whole are more introverted. The culture here is pretty set in its ways (and can be painfully rude, ignorant, and completely lacking in common sense). There are good people here, but it isn't a particularly friendly place IMO (not even superficially).
She's probably experiencing a form of culture shock. She may never get over it (I never have).
Whatever you're doing to keep yourself happy OP, keep doing it.
Post-college is a tough enough time for adult friendships even without a move. It'll take time to meet people and/or adjust to the new normal. In the meantime, rather than trying to "fix" everything aggressively, I'd recommend giving her some extra attention, getting out and having fun as a couple, etc...anything to avoid the feeling of being "lonely together," which is quite miserable.
I agree. I'm trying to find a solution so she isn't so upset about it and starts to take some initiative to get involved. I hate seeing her unhappy.
It's only been 2 months. Look I'm from NY and went to college in New Mexico, I almost didn't want to stay the first semester. I ended up graduating.
Later on I moved to CA(where I live) in 1988, I wasn't so sure about living here the first few months and almost went back to NY.
What I'm trying to say it's way too soon, if she still feels this way in another 6 months than you're getting close to a year in CO, than you look at deciding what to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe
Likely dealing with homesickness and she's clearly out of her comfort zone. Is she being that unwilling to ride out the newness? There's only so much you can do, OP. If she's not going to be proactive, then there's nothing you can do but accept that it might be possible she's just ready to go back home. Did you ask her if she wants to go back? I agree with others, you really need a couple years to acclimate and build a network.
Personally, every time I moved away from where I grew up and then came back, it always felt a bit less like "Home". It's very possible that if she goes back that it's just not going to feel the way it was before, even if nothing had really changed.
Sorry disagree, way too soon to start bringing up going home. And who is going home? What if he wants to stay and she wants to go?
She just started a new job in a new state, starting a new job is tough when it's the state you grew up in. Lot of change at once, it's hard and it's easy to feel "I made a mistake and better leave", without giving it enough time.
More time is needed before you make the decision to pack up and go. If she still feels the same way say in March 2017 than you know she just isn't happy.
I know that has been said but it is hard to go to a new job. At your old job everybody knew you and respected you and came to you with questions and you knew where everything was and felt competent. Starting out at a new job always takes time to fit in. Unless it is a job you hate, you will fit in before long. It takes time for people to get to know you and eventually you become one of the crowd. Sometimes you click with someone, and other times you don't but these are work friends.
In my experience work people are busy with their lives. They have work and family often and they don't have time for socializing. Trying to schedule a coffee date can take weeks.
Old friends are best because you bond early on and stay friends. Those kind of friendships are special and family of course.
New friends will happen when they happen. That isn't easy because it takes a long time to get to know someone and usually there is a common reason to be together. Like work, or kids, or a hobby like dog-walking. You can meet people doing that.
What I don't understand is the need for 'friends'. We have the internet and the phone and the skype and the facetime and text. Being in another state shouldn't interrupt the friendships she already has. It may not be in person but a lot of the time it isn't anyway. People have different schedules and they have relationships and they are busy with their lives.
I think she will feel better when she adjusts to her new job.
Good comments. Friendships take time. And it's not like this is someone all alone, they're a couple. It's probably easier to make friends that way.
You're right, it takes time to adjust to a new job, usually about 6 months to where you feel totally comfortable with the job duties and your coworkers.
When I moved to my current city, it took me like a year and a half to make friends. A big part of that was because I was unemployed for the first 6 months. Then, when I got my job, I was in a small office with people considerably older than me. It was only through networking opportunities in my profession when I actually met people my own age with similar interests. So this process can take quite a while. I don't think it will take as long for the gf to adjust as it did for me, since she does have a job already.
Denver is also a great place to go out and meet new people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by David Aguilar
In Denver (and much of the rest of Colorado for that matter), people on the whole are more introverted. The culture here is pretty set in its ways (and can be painfully rude, ignorant, and completely lacking in common sense). There are good people here, but it isn't a particularly friendly place IMO (not even superficially).
I am surprised to see this. I do not live in the Denver metro area, but I have been to Denver many times; it was a big part of a college thesis of mine and my boyfriend's family is from there...and I don't have this experience really at all. Maybe it's different for actual residents like yourself. But most of what I hear about Coloradans is good.
Also, I saw a Broncos playoff game at a popular sports bar in Denver in 2012 and the people were the nicest ever. Even the fans of the opposing team (the Ravens at the time) were treated nicely. I don't know if it's because people were drinking or what
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