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Two months back, my GF and I moved from IL to CO together. The move was initially my idea, but given I can work remotely, a move was dependent on her finding a job. She has said a few times that she always wanted to leave IL and was looking at CA, CO, WA and MA when in college, but happened to get a job in her home town right out of school.
She found a job in March (pretty quickly, actually) and we were moving in July.
Fast forward to now and being here for two months, my GF asks me last night "so are you still happy we moved to CO?" -- My response was, "Yeah. I mean it sucked leaving behind friends and family, but there's so much to do out there and we're slowly exploring and meeting people"
The conversation then shifted to how she really hasn't made a lot of friends and doesn't feel as valued at work as she did in her old job and doesn't feel like she can joke around and confide in coworkers, etc.
I keep reminding her that when she started her prior job, two months in she probably didn't contribute much and probably hadn't made a ton of work-friends yet either. For outside-of-work friends, no one is going to be able to replace your college and high school friends that you've known for almost a decade.
I keep suggesting we go together to a few meetup groups of interests we have or a few other clubs that are geared for adults in their 20's and 30's. Her response is she has a hard time making new friends because she's really shy and quiet and has a hard time relating to others her age. My reply was "If you're never going to put yourself in a situation to meet people, you'll never meet people because you didn't give them a chance".
I'm kind of at a loss at what to do. I'm pretty shy in new groups, but months before we moved, I looked up a few clubs I'm interested in and went a few times. Met a few guys who I now meet up with a couple times a week to work out together. I realize that no matter what and who you meet when you move, it's never going to replace your old friends. But don't you have to give new people a chance?
Jeez. I've moved all over the place. I might be concerned--maybe--if this was a couple years after your move, but two months isn't even enough to get stabilized in a new area and routine, much less to make any sort of connections with new friends or fit into a new place of work.
I live in a city where there are tons of people moving in all the time, and moving out. We have a lot of transients here. I've made friends with people and found out a few months down the road, that they want to move again. So unless someone has lived here for at least 5 years, I am not going to make much effort. I hate to say that, but it's the truth. I'd rather put effort into making friends with people who want to put down roots in the community.
Jeez. I've moved all over the place. I might be concerned--maybe--if this was a couple years after your move, but two months isn't even enough to get stabilized in a new area and routine, much less to make any sort of connections with new friends or fit into a new place of work.
I agree. I'm trying to find a solution so she isn't so upset about it and starts to take some initiative to get involved. I hate seeing her unhappy.
I agree. I'm trying to find a solution so she isn't so upset about it and starts to take some initiative to get involved. I hate seeing her unhappy.
My suggestion would be to include her more in activities that may include others. You've talked about hanging out with guys at the gym, etc., but that isn't something the two of you can share.
Colorado should be a great place for exploration. Take some of your time off and go explore the area. Build some memories for the two of you and try to include others in those activities.
Yes, she committed to you to move to Colorado and try something new. If you know she is having trouble, think about offering as much help as you can, since you seem to be doing better when meeting other people.
Are none of your gym buddies married?
I would also try to assure her that things will come to her in time. It could take six months or a year for her to settle in, but it will come.
Two months into relocation is no time at all to develop free time to seeking new social relationships. I doubt the newness of the move and all the work to pull it off and get settled, while starting a new job has worn fully off to allow the two of you to settle into a normal routine yet.
She may be unsatisfied with her work relationships not progressing to more social ones outside of work because of a lack of outside relationships at this stage. So, she will need some avenues to develop some outside of work relationships.
What does she like to do with her free time outside of straight socialization? Does she like working out? If so, suggest joining a gym. The primary purpose of course is to work out, but she will be in an environment of others with a like interest. She might find some people she will connect with. Or if she likes sports (playing or watching), theatre, music, reading, etc.
Anyway, I would take the strategy of being active and out there with something I enjoyed, where I would be introduced to others with those interests. Then be outgoing and work on developing some social relationships with people I liked.
Jeez. I've moved all over the place. I might be concerned--maybe--if this was a couple years after your move, but two months isn't even enough to get stabilized in a new area and routine, much less to make any sort of connections with new friends or fit into a new place of work.
I agree. After only two months, I would actually be surprised if she had made several good friends rather than being concerned about not having new friends. Give it at least six months or a year.
Perhaps do a few active meet-up things together. There is a meet-up group in my area called "Welcome to Name of City". They do at three or four things a month that focus on things that many people, both married and single, in their 20s and 30s would enjoy doing. They go to sporting events, festivals, museums, as well as do things like nature hikes, potluck picnics in parks, wine tastings or brewery tours and "quirky" kinds of things like kite flying or riding hot air balloons. The group is very large so there is always a mixture of a few "regulars" and new people or people that just attend occasional events. I bet that they have something like that in your city.
Location: When you take flak it means you are on target
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Find a good bar. Join a shooting club, or a hiking club, GO BACK TO SCHOOL! Part time, she will meet new people. Get involved in community politics.
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