First time in my life I am ashamed of my son (senior, girlfriend)
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Location: Foothills of Maryland Blue Ridge mountains
993 posts, read 767,353 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homeonthelittlemountain
Where to go from here? Just take it a day at a time. From where I'm sitting, you are so fortunate that this is the first nasty experience you've had with him....if I read that correctly. You're going to lose all respect for your son over this one incident? What? If his drinking continues to be a problem, encourage him to get professional help. But know that beyond encouraging, there is nothing you can do to control his behavior.
My son is 28 and a heroin addict. We don't know where he is or even if he's alive. He was raised in an upper middle class environment, good education, loving family, church, sports, etc. We've been happily married 35 years. We have a daughter who is successful. We never know what choices our children will make. At this juncture, I'd say you have much to be grateful for. Focus on all the things your son has done to make you proud. Don't put too much emphasis on this recent behavior. I'm sure he's experiencing enough shame.
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and well wishes for my family and son. I've heard from some of you privately too. It's a difficult thanksgiving made a little lighter by the understanding of a group of strangers. ❤️
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and well wishes for my family and son. I've heard from some of you privately too. It's a difficult thanksgiving made a little lighter by the understanding of a group of strangers. ❤️
Best wishes to you. In the end we are all somehow one. Connected. Peace.
We have calmed down quite a bit since my (father) OP. I had a good talk with my son today and the most disturbing think he mentioned was that he does not even remembering getting in his car to drive. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and will just take it one day at a time. Luckily no one was injured and no private or public property was damaged. I appreciate every post but, homeonthelittlemountains post helped me put things in perspective. My hopes and prayers go out to you and your son. While I was ashamed at the decisions my son made that night I never conveyed those thoughts to him. He says he learned a lot from this and it's never going to happen again.
He is 28 and has been independent for the past 6 years. We have always had what we thought was a very good loving relationship with him. He has always know he could come to us when there was a problem or he just needed to talk. The past 3 months have been kind of tough for him. He broke up with his five year girlfriend, but seemed to be moving on. Recently he moved in to a new apartment and said things were going really well.
All of that came to a crashing halt this past weekend. He went out drinking with a friend this past Saturday and from that point on it was a string of bad horrible decisions. I don't want to get into details but, his decisions could have killed him that night. He called us after the fact because he was stranded and needed a ride. He was pretty drunk, very combative with us and any suggestions we offered. We have always had a standing policy that if started drinking to call and we would come get him no questions asked and no lectures.
I know a lot of what happened was a result of the drinking but we are both ashamed of him for his decision to drink that night and the other bad choices that followed. I think what hurts the most was his altitude towards us. We are having a really hard time dealing with the son we saw that night. Of course he says it was a one time thing and it's never going to happen again. We are so thankful that we didn't lose him that night but, we can't stop thinking what happens the next time he drinks. We are mad as hell but, we are scared ****less. I don't see how we will ever trust his judgement again or have the same respect that we had for him. We are at a loss as to where we go from here.
Wow I can see why this would upset you. I would have a talk with him about drinking, it's clearly not a good thing for him to do. He did just break up with a girlfriend so it's doubful this is going to become habit. Also tell him if he ever talks to you like that again, you won't stick around to help him. Try not to be mad... it never accomplishes anything and it's basically throwing gas on a fire that is likely to discipate anyhow. Our 25 year old son did this to us also, he wasn't mean acting though but it was really really upsetting. It subsided fine because I didn't react in an angry way. And neither did he..., actually. So he never did that again.
Maybe I experienced 50% of your pain.
You both love each other, that is what counts. Good for you
Last edited by NancyDrew1; 11-24-2016 at 09:40 PM..
Picking him up is less about teaching him anything and more about making sure his bad decision don't kill him or some other innocent person in form of a DUI or an alcohol fueled altercation. I've picked up friends who have gave gotten drunk because a lot can happen in Washington DC as an unsupervised drunk.
Understood...but if I had the wherewithal to call a parent, I'd definitely try a friend or Uber or Lyft first! Of course my parents would never have done any such thing for me, probably not even in high school.
He is 28 and has been independent for the past 6 years. We have always had what we thought was a very good loving relationship with him. He has always know he could come to us when there was a problem or he just needed to talk. The past 3 months have been kind of tough for him. He broke up with his five year girlfriend, but seemed to be moving on. Recently he moved in to a new apartment and said things were going really well.
All of that came to a crashing halt this past weekend. He went out drinking with a friend this past Saturday and from that point on it was a string of bad horrible decisions. I don't want to get into details but, his decisions could have killed him that night. He called us after the fact because he was stranded and needed a ride. He was pretty drunk, very combative with us and any suggestions we offered. We have always had a standing policy that if started drinking to call and we would come get him no questions asked and no lectures.
I know a lot of what happened was a result of the drinking but we are both ashamed of him for his decision to drink that night and the other bad choices that followed. I think what hurts the most was his altitude towards us. We are having a really hard time dealing with the son we saw that night. Of course he says it was a one time thing and it's never going to happen again. We are so thankful that we didn't lose him that night but, we can't stop thinking what happens the next time he drinks. We are mad as hell but, we are scared ****less. I don't see how we will ever trust his judgement again or have the same respect that we had for him. We are at a loss as to where we go from here.
Your child has the more important thing someone could have from their parents: true love, because it comes without judgment. The rest will follow. Of course you fear he will lose control again, but I think that best you could do is try to stay around, even if he mistreats you, because a lot has been happening to his life: the loss of a long-term relationship, the change of house etc. It all messed up his mind, but may not last so forever. Stick to him, stay around and hope for the best. Don't take offenses, he will regret them in the future. Love.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,753,896 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
Understood...but if I had the wherewithal to call a parent, I'd definitely try a friend or Uber or Lyft first! Of course my parents would never have done any such thing for me, probably not even in high school.
You have to remember OPs son was under the influence so it is entirely possible that OPs son may not have been able to open his Lyft app and have the mind about him to remember his home address. With my THC scare the medics, said I could not even answer which state I was in or the one I lived in. At least with his mother, the OP had someone who knew his home address and would probably look after him and call medical attention if need be. I would probably do the same if I lived in the same area as my mother. Yeah, I would get berated to no end, but I would at least know she would pick up and come down and I'd be alive the next day.
Picking him up is less about teaching him anything and more about making sure his bad decision don't kill him or some other innocent person in form of a DUI or an alcohol fueled altercation. I've picked up friends who have gave gotten drunk because a lot can happen in Washington DC as an unsupervised drunk.
A lot can happen anywhere. But I am glad that you would pick up a friend if they needed you to. I am the DD for a lot of people if they ever drink too much to drive. I also have DD's who would be there for me in a heartbeat.
I would rather be inconvenienced occasionally by a phone call asking for "help". It actually shows how responsible that person is because they chose to call instead of driving drunk.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I also think there's a great teaching moment here. I wouldn't lecture (and I have 3 grown sons); but I would ask him how he thought he he got into this situation to begin with: maybe he needs better coping mechanisms, for example.
I'd also ask him to brainstorm how to prevent it or deal with it again if it happens. As it turns out, I think the fact that he called you is a step in the right direction. Then you can say if you're comfortable with this or not. Either way is okay. You can certainly have boundaries.
When my son lived at home and I knew he was going out, I asked him questions (I don't expect him to answer me, but I do expect him to thoughtfully consider them): how many drinks do you plan to have? Are you going to leave after the second drink? if you stay, what will you switch to? Do you have a pre-arranged ride with someone other than your friend who will also be drinking? Do you have some cash for a cab ride? Is there a place for you to spend the night? Etc. I do this with all kinds of things he's considering doing. I don't judge his answers----I simply point out potential flaws, but tell him the choice is his.
That's the point, right: It's his choice and his consequences.
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