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tl:dr My sister tried to kick me out of my bed so she could sleep in it with her boyfriend, then she has been giving me the silent treatment for nearly a year because I stood up to her. Now it's Xmas and I have to spend time with her - how do I deal?
Hi all. Long story short, I've never really gotten on with my sister. I think she's spoiled, selfish and rude but I tolerate her for the sake of our family. Anyway, she's recently had some mental health problems and took some time off work to do a masters degree. During this time she's been more and more bossy and expects us all to run around after her and do whatever she tells us to do.
In February, I had just come back from vacation. I was exhausted. My sister then asked me if she and her boyfriend could sleep in my bed and could I sleep somewhere else for the night. Bear in mind, our house has several bedrooms with spare beds. Instead of sleeping separately for one night, they wanted me to move out of my room so that they could sleep together in it (it's the only other double).
I said no. My sister completely lost her temper because of this, said I have sex with random guys (not true) and brought up some stuff from way back when I slept in her bed with my ex-boyfriend (bear in mind my sister wasn't even living in the property at the time I did this, let alone trying to get a good night's sleep in that bed). I was absolutely furious that she was trying to **** shame me because I didn't do what she said and I responded angrily.
Since February, my sister has given me the silent treatment. We don't live in our parents house anymore but at family gatherings, she refuses to say hello or even acknowledge me. She will respond to everyone else except me and if I say anything to her, she just ignores it. I am so exasperated now as it's been almost a year. As far as I'm concerned, I have done nothing wrong - she is the one who was being unreasonable as usual. It's now coming up to Christmas and I'm going to have to spend the whole day with her at my parents house which I am dreading because it's going to be awkward and it upsets me to be around someone who ignores me like that.
I've tried to speak to my parents about it but they seem to take her side and say 'you know what she's like, you hurt her feelings, she'll get over it'. To me, this isn't good enough - no one has acknowledged that I didn't do anything wrong in the first place. I'm seriously considering skipping family Christmas altogether as I just don't want the drama. Any advice would be great.
Yeah, your sister sounds like a brat, but I disagree with those who tell you to skip the family Christmas gathering. You're a big girl now. You don't need the other relatives to get involved and take sides. And, I don't think it's fair to your parents to stay home because they refuse to choose between their children.
To paraphrase a recent campaign slogan, "when she goes low, you go high". Say hello, and spend your time with the rest of the family.
Yeah. I would love to stay home but I don't really want to be alone during the holidays and I know it would hurt my parents if I wasn't there. My mother has tried to intervene with my sister - recently she asked her to just talk normally in a group, that we didn't have to be friends but that it would be nice if she didn't just blank me in groups. my sister apparently flipped out again and stopped talking to my mother too, threatening not to come to Christmas. I know my mom was really upset by this. So I don't want to cause her any more pain.
For everyone who is saying I should see my parents before or after, the day itself is a big deal to my family. Regardless, my sister and her boyfriend are planning to stay with my parents for a week.
(I posted above), but re: you saying your sis & her BF are planning to stay w/ your parents for a week, your mom/parents shouldn't let them. Woah, she really does get her own way with them! Too bad they don't put their foot down & give her "tough love" for all these antics she's putting you through. But no surprise since they take HER side.
So, if you have to go, greet the Drama Llama with a cheery, "Merry Christmas!" so you have at least made an effort to be civil. And then get as far away from her as you can and talk to all your other relatives all day. If she wants to continue carry on like a spoiled brat, let her do it in her own orbit and don't let her play her games with you any more. Disengage.
Seriously, don't you feel a little sorry for her? She's still stewing about an incident that happened last February? Kind of pathetic. But let her stew away, while you live your life.
Yeah. I would love to stay home but I don't really want to be alone during the holidays and I know it would hurt my parents if I wasn't there. My mother has tried to intervene with my sister - recently she asked her to just talk normally in a group, that we didn't have to be friends but that it would be nice if she didn't just blank me in groups. my sister apparently flipped out again and stopped talking to my mother too, threatening not to come to Christmas. I know my mom was really upset by this. So I don't want to cause her any more pain.
For everyone who is saying I should see my parents before or after, the day itself is a big deal to my family. Regardless, my sister and her boyfriend are planning to stay with my parents for a week.
Well you have to weigh the options. Sometimes a narcissist will wait till the last minute and not come. You said she threatened not to come, it could be a false threat, or she will do it at the last minute to upset your mother. Narcissists like to be the center of attention, and the holidays take that opportunity away from them. But if they can screw it up or at the last minute not show they will do it for attention. For them even negative attention is better that not being the center of attention.
I guess just say hello to her and her boyfriend and try and have other people around you so she can't corner you. If you feel like you're going to lose your cool, go to the bathroom splash some cool water on your face, breathe a few times, and don't let her see her getting to you.
Worst case, you don't stick around too long, or start to not feel well. Because she will do her best to push your buttons, than you get upset and look like the dramatic one and they love that, they sit there all calm and collect, and you come off as the nut job.
Location: When you take flak it means you are on target
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When she pulls her stuff at Christmas, just LOUDLY say, "Are you still mad at me because I wouldn't give up my bed so you could Moderator cut: delete your BF in MY bed? Whyn't ya get married Moderator cut: delete
When she attacks you for sleeping with random guys just fire back, "Yeah, well it's because I'm hot and you're not, and I don't date men who don't even have a place to take a lady for sex."
THAT ought to get the family gathering off to a good start!
Last edited by Miss Blue; 12-01-2016 at 05:30 AM..
Reason: language filter
Well you have to weigh the options. Sometimes a narcissist will wait till the last minute and not come. You said she threatened not to come, it could be a false threat, or she will do it at the last minute to upset your mother. Narcissists like to be the center of attention, and the holidays take that opportunity away from them. But if they can screw it up or at the last minute not show they will do it for attention. For them even negative attention is better that not being the center of attention.
I guess just say hello to her and her boyfriend and try and have other people around you so she can't corner you. If you feel like you're going to lose your cool, go to the bathroom splash some cool water on your face, breathe a few times, and don't let her see her getting to you.
Worst case, you don't stick around too long, or start to not feel well. Because she will do her best to push your buttons, than you get upset and look like the dramatic one and they love that, they sit there all calm and collect, and you come off as the nut job.
Believe me, I have been there.
Seain Dublin, I can't believe how you know exactly what goes on in our family - she does ALWAYS try to push peoples buttons, sometimes in horrible ways. A couple of years ago, my grandpa (dad's dad) passed away. My sister said to my dad that it wasn't a big loss because my grandpa had no personality, so nobody would miss him anyway. I was so heartbroken for my dad.
She's also pointed out physical things about me that I don't like and so on, just to upset me. Our mom always says that my sister does this and tells everyone not to rise to it. It's just something that's accepted by our family.
Let it go. If you want to see the rest of your family on Christmas, just be civil so as to not upset the other family members. You don't need to get into conversations/confrontations. A simple "hello" is all you need. If she doesn't return it and acts like a snot, just ignore it. By "civil", I don't mean having to speak with her at all, if you don't want to. Just don't go in swinging. Don't bring up the incident. You don't even have to talk to her at all.
Let it go. I know you feel wronged (you were), but this is going to happen to you likely a few more times in life with good friends or family.
Don't attend Christmas (or hold your own event), or show up and be civil (this is for the benefit of everyone else, not your sister).
Yeah she definitely thrives on attention. She has classic 'middle child syndrome' as I'm closer to my dad and my mum's favourite is our younger brother, so I think my sister feels like she has no-one who favours her. This is all super pathetic because we are in our late 20s! But this is the dynamic that she's created.
I would be fine with it but it's become a little awkward because we'll all be sitting in a group talking but she goes out of her way to not respond to anything I say. Sometimes it's necessary that we speak as well - at dinner last week I needed to know what her boyfriend was planning to bring to Christmas because he and I were both planning to bring dessert. She wouldn't respond to me asking what dessert he was planning. I had to ask my mom, who asked my sister because my sister would only respond to my mom. I don't want to be friends with her ever again - what she said to me was so hurtful. I just want to be normal for the sake of family occasions.
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Too bad they don't put their foot down & give her "tough love" for all these antics she's putting you through. But no surprise since they take HER side.
