My sister has been giving me the silent treatment for a year - now it's Xmas. Help! (holiday, narcissists)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I figured Seain Dublin had the misfortune of speaking from experience, as everything he's been saying in this thread is spot-on.
OP, the way to think about people with strong narcissistic traits (like your sister) is to see them as physically and intellectually adult, but functioning emotionally on the level of a small toddler. If you've ever worked with very young children, you know how egocentric they are. They want what they want when they want it, and if they don't get it right then they melt down in complete frustration. One of the key developmental tasks of toddlerhood is to move from the unconscious total egocentrism of the infant to an understanding and acceptance of the reality that other people have desires of their own, and that those desires matter, too - sometimes at a given moment even more than one's own. Narcissistic people (for complicated reasons) have never successfully made that developmental transition. Think of your sister when she acts out as behaving like a toddler having a temper tantrum, and react accordingly. And what's the first rule of handling a toddler's temper tantrum? Don't give in to it! Be kind, but firm ("no, you can't have that now, Suzy") and let the toddler work out how to handle her emotions herself. It's not a parent's job to keep a toddler constantly happy, and it's not your job or your family's job to keep your sister constantly happy by giving her total control over all of you (which is what she craves).
Having a firm understanding of healthy emotional boundaries, and then firmly policing your boundaries so they are not breeched, is ESSENTIAL to dealing successfully with narcissists!
And if your parents continue their pattern of giving in to your sister's demands, try to have some compassion for them in the midst of your frustration, for they are stuck in an awful place. Your sister has effectively weaponized their love for her, and is credibly able to threaten them with the one thing that brings terror to the heart of most parents: permanently withdrawing her love from them if they don't give her what she demands.
Yes, unfortunately I do.
You gave some more great advice.
There is a form of narcissism called "infantile narcissism", it's just like you said. When they don't get their way they become unglued like a 5 year old. They as you know can go into a narcissistic rage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hannahwh456
Thanks - it really helps to know I'm not the only person in the world going through this. I had started to feel like maybe what I said when I defended myself to her was so bad and that maybe I should have just given in and let her sleep in the bed - if I had known it was going to cause all this drama for a YEAR afterwards, I would have just done it! But then I think, why should I bow down to her and just let her walk all over me. If she wanted something, she could have just asked politely and if I said no, just drop it. I would never dream of asking her to give up her bed just so me and my boyfriend could sleep in it! I would feel ridiculous.
I do feel bad for my parents. Similar family rifts have taken place on my dad's and mum's side and I can see the same thing happening all over again. I know they're worried that we'll never be able to have a happy family occasion again, and I have to keep reminding them that it's not me that's holding the grudge. If she wanted to speak normally, I'd speak normally too. Ironically, their support for her makes me want to do the exact same thing - stop speaking to them too. I just can't comprehend how they could think the way she's behaved, an the way she's 'punishing' me is right.
I also fear for her relationship with her boyfriend, as if she can't resolve simple conflict with me then I'm not sure how marriage (they are planning to marry) will last.
They may not marry, or if they do will end up most likely divorced.
Narcissists drive people away, both friends and relationships, also have conflicts with coworkers.
Of course it's never them. It's always someone else who is at fault.
But your sister's boyfriend may just cut his losses and move on. Or his family or friends will speak up, narcissists are very jealous people, so if he has long time friends or a close relationship with his family she won't like that.
Seriously? I agree, just ignore her, and who cares that both of you were bringing dessert, no you actually didn't NEED to know what dessert he was planning. You just bring what you bring and if it's the exact same thing oh well NOT your problem.
You are giving your sister too much head space and power. Don't even acknowledge, her don't even say hi, if someone asks you why she's ignoring you I'd laugh and say "she's mad cuz I wouldn't let her use my bed to boink her bf..."
Don't feel bad for your parents, they enable her to act this way. They should have told her to knock it off but clearly they aren't. They are telling YOU, the party who did nothing wrong to suck it up basically. Honestly I wouldn't even bother showing up while she is around and go see your parents another day unless they invite enough people to where you could completely ignore her. But if it's just your parents and her I wouldn't bother.
BTW her marriage with her bf is not your concern, don't make it your problem.
You might do well to read the book "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists." Though I believe it's about parents it can apply to your sister.
Oh and this book might be good for you too:
The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- and Start Standing Up for Yourself - Beverly Engel
There is a form of narcissism called "infantile narcissism", it's just like you said. When they don't get their way they become unglued like a 5 year old. They as you know can go into a narcissistic rage.
They may not marry, or if they do will end up most likely divorced.
Narcissists drive people away, both friends and relationships, also have conflicts with coworkers.
Of course it's never them. It's always someone else who is at fault.
But your sister's boyfriend may just cut his losses and move on. Or his family or friends will speak up, narcissists are very jealous people, so if he has long time friends or a close relationship with his family she won't like that.
Yeah I do worry about that because regardless of what she's done to me, I want her to be happy. It seems easier to learn how to resolve conflict but actually reading what most of you have said on here, it's not about not knowing how to resolve it, she knows how to. She's doing this to punish me instead.
Re: my parents, I'm assuming they don't want to drive her away knowing how stubborn she is. I'm not the first person she's done this to. She also gave my dad the silent treatment for almost a year, which really hurt him. She's done it to my mom too, but my mom always buckles and apologises even when she didn't do anything wrong. I think they're worried if they stand up to her they'll lose her forever.
Go and totally ignore her. Don't make any attempt at all to speak to her. It'll drive her nuts. If she gets dramatic, hug Mom and Dad and say, "See ya later" and leave.
Thanks - it really helps to know I'm not the only person in the world going through this. I had started to feel like maybe what I said when I defended myself to her was so bad and that maybe I should have just given in and let her sleep in the bed - if I had known it was going to cause all this drama for a YEAR afterwards, I would have just done it! But then I think, why should I bow down to her and just let her walk all over me. If she wanted something, she could have just asked politely and if I said no, just drop it. I would never dream of asking her to give up her bed just so me and my boyfriend could sleep in it! I would feel ridiculous.
I do feel bad for my parents. Similar family rifts have taken place on my dad's and mum's side and I can see the same thing happening all over again. I know they're worried that we'll never be able to have a happy family occasion again, and I have to keep reminding them that it's not me that's holding the grudge. If she wanted to speak normally, I'd speak normally too. Ironically, their support for her makes me want to do the exact same thing - stop speaking to them too. I just can't comprehend how they could think the way she's behaved, an the way she's 'punishing' me is right.
I also fear for her relationship with her boyfriend, as if she can't resolve simple conflict with me then I'm not sure how marriage (they are planning to marry) will last.
You'd be surprised, narcissists often have long lasting marriages. My parents did and my mother was a narcissist. It certainly wasn't what normal people think of as happy marriage. My brother repeated the family pattern and married a narcissist. They've been together 45 years and he's still trying to make her happy. Of course that will never happen.
Don't go. Narcissists can dish it out, but HATE it when you give it back. From now on, think of it as you shunning her instead of the reverse. Pretty soon she'll miss having you to dump on and you'll get your revenge by not being present in her life.
My SIL has always had free reign to laugh at, make fun of, put down, the rest of us. BUT if anyone says anything back to her she bursts into tears and my brother gets angry at whoever upset her. Then her victim has to apologize for making her cry. It's bizarre, but she gets (almost) everyone to play this stupid game. It's made her a terrible mother since the whole family has to cater to her and worry about keeping Mom happy. Most families center around the children, their family revolves around keeping mom happy. The kids are now adults and they're a mess. Both have many problems.
Yeah I do worry about that because regardless of what she's done to me, I want her to be happy. It seems easier to learn how to resolve conflict but actually reading what most of you have said on here, it's not about not knowing how to resolve it, she knows how to. She's doing this to punish me instead.
Re: my parents, I'm assuming they don't want to drive her away knowing how stubborn she is. I'm not the first person she's done this to. She also gave my dad the silent treatment for almost a year, which really hurt him. She's done it to my mom too, but my mom always buckles and apologises even when she didn't do anything wrong. I think they're worried if they stand up to her they'll lose her forever.
Narcissists NEVER apologize, because nothing is ever their fault. Therefore their victim must apologize for having upset the narcissist. It's bizarre, but that's how it works.
Yes that seems to be how this works. When my mom asked her to just be civil for the sake of the family she said that she would never speak to me again unless I apologise. My mom hasn't even asked me to apologise because she thinks I shouldn't have to.
she said that she would never speak to me again unless I apologise
On the contrary, I think you should tell your sister to f*** off.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
