My sister has been giving me the silent treatment for a year - now it's Xmas. Help! (gatherings, brother)
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It's odd that she'd still be angry this long after the fact over something so piddling. Is she still with the guy that she planned to screw around with in your bed? If they broke up soon afterwards, she might be blaming you, somehow, for the breakup. Not that you were to blame, of course, but when did wack-jobs ever make sense? :-)
Yeah I agree. No they are still together and he is actually very nice and polite. I think it's more about the fact I didn't obey her and the argument we had after. Still, I'm over it and what she said to me was much worse than what I said to her.
My mom is a very peaceful and sweet person and unfortunately when it comes to situations like this, she finds it difficult to stand up for what's right. She tried to speak to my sister this week about it and apparently my sister lost her sh##, went nuts at my mom and then said she and boyfriend are not coming to Christmas anymore. This led to my mom apologizing and begging her to reconsider.
Damn -- so close to a solution, and your mom had to blow it by apologizing. :-)
PS: There's a difference between being "sweet and peaceful" and a "doormat". Your mother is a bit of a doormat, dear. She's not going to change at this late date, unfortunately. So if you don't come, and your sister doesn't come -- where does that leave your parents? :-)
Yeah I agree. No they are still together and he is actually very nice and polite. I think it's more about the fact I didn't obey her and the argument we had after. Still, I'm over it and what she said to me was much worse than what I said to her.
I wonder if she tries this s**t with him. If I were him, I'd have been running for the hills, seeing a girlfriend that out of control over such a small thing.
Damn -- so close to a solution, and your mom had to blow it by apologizing. :-)
PS: There's a difference between being "sweet and peaceful" and a "doormat". Your mother is a bit of a doormat, dear. She's not going to change at this late date, unfortunately. So if you don't come, and your sister doesn't come -- where does that leave your parents? :-)
Yeah, I know she is a doormat. Unfortunately that's how my sister learned that it was ok to give people the silent treatment for months and years. Sadly like you say, the dynamic is never going to change.
My only hope now is that my sister is stubborn enough to not show up and spend it alone with her boyfriend instead.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hannahwh456
My mom is a very peaceful and sweet person and unfortunately when it comes to situations like this, she finds it difficult to stand up for what's right. She tried to speak to my sister this week about it and apparently my sister lost her sh##, went nuts at my mom and then said she and boyfriend are not coming to Christmas anymore. This led to my mom apologizing and begging her to reconsider.
And this is why you don't bring your parents into this fight with your sister. It is not fair to her. Yeah, she is a doormat but she is not going to change at this point in her life. In this instance, You are the one that has brought about her pain. She should not be placed in the middle of this. Continuing to do so just makes you look like the person your sister is. I know you aren't. (I hope anyway!)
By going to your mom, you are letting your sister know that she still has the power. Until you can just ignore her completely, she will always have power over you and your emotions.
If you can't....it will continue until your parents die and you no longer have any reason to be around your sister. So...it can go on for years. Are you prepared for that?
And this is why you don't bring your parents into this fight with your sister. It is not fair to her. Yeah, she is a doormat but she is not going to change at this point in her life. In this instance, You are the one that has brought about her pain. She should not be placed in the middle of this. Continuing to do so just makes you look like the person your sister is. I know you aren't. (I hope anyway!)
By going to your mom, you are letting your sister know that she still has the power. Until you can just ignore her completely, she will always have power over you and your emotions.
If you can't....it will continue until your parents die and you no longer have any reason to be around your sister. So...it can go on for years. Are you prepared for that?
Yeah, I was in that place over the last year actually - a sort of a 'I don't care if she doesn't speak to me' sort of thing. My mom would update me on what she's been up to and I was sort of indifferent but happy for her if good things were happening etc. Basically I don't hold anything against her because I know what she's like.
I guess after such a long time has gone past, I was hopeful that she would be over it in time for Xmas. After the recent dinner I was disappointed and upset that she wasn't past it and realised Christmas was going to be very uncomfortable. That's what led to me going to my mom, but I didn't realise she would go and speak to my sister. I do feel for my mom because she is stuck in the middle of what is a really stupid situation. But you are right - I'll just get used to it. Tbh, I've never got on with my sister and she has said some very nasty stuff to me over the years so it may be for the best, just a shame for my parents that we'll never have a nice family dinner ever again.
I wonder if she tries this s**t with him. If I were him, I'd have been running for the hills, seeing a girlfriend that out of control over such a small thing.
Girls are famous for having one personality with the boyfriend and another "real" one. My daughter and I still laugh about my first meeting with my granddaughters boyfriends mother. The first thing out of her mouth was how sweet my granddaughter was.
We laugh because the family nickname for her is "psycho Samantha."
Seriously? I agree, just ignore her, and who cares that both of you were bringing dessert, no you actually didn't NEED to know what dessert he was planning. You just bring what you bring and if it's the exact same thing oh well NOT your problem.
You are giving your sister too much head space and power. Don't even acknowledge, her don't even say hi, if someone asks you why she's ignoring you I'd laugh and say "she's mad cuz I wouldn't let her use my bed to boink her bf..."
Don't feel bad for your parents, they enable her to act this way. They should have told her to knock it off but clearly they aren't. They are telling YOU, the party who did nothing wrong to suck it up basically. Honestly I wouldn't even bother showing up while she is around and go see your parents another day unless they invite enough people to where you could completely ignore her. But if it's just your parents and her I wouldn't bother.
BTW her marriage with her bf is not your concern, don't make it your problem.
You might do well to read the book "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists." Though I believe it's about parents it can apply to your sister.
Oh and this book might be good for you too:
The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- and Start Standing Up for Yourself - Beverly Engel
Excellent advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hannahwh456
Yeah I do worry about that because regardless of what she's done to me, I want her to be happy. It seems easier to learn how to resolve conflict but actually reading what most of you have said on here, it's not about not knowing how to resolve it, she knows how to. She's doing this to punish me instead.
Re: my parents, I'm assuming they don't want to drive her away knowing how stubborn she is. I'm not the first person she's done this to. She also gave my dad the silent treatment for almost a year, which really hurt him. She's done it to my mom too, but my mom always buckles and apologises even when she didn't do anything wrong. I think they're worried if they stand up to her they'll lose her forever.
You sound like a very nice caring young woman. Your sister isn't. You may wish happiness for her, but she does not for you.
Narcissists are very jealous of anyone who they think has more than they do, whether it be money, a new car, or a solid relationship.
You're young and your parents are probably late 40s to mid 50s. If down the road your parents need assistance as they get older, forget your sister. She won't be any help.
Her comments to your dad about his father are very telling. Narcissists don't want to be around anyone who may ask them for help, it also takes attention off them with someone is seriously ill.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga
It's odd that she'd still be angry this long after the fact over something so piddling. Is she still with the guy that she planned to screw around with in your bed? If they broke up soon afterwards, she might be blaming you, somehow, for the breakup. Not that you were to blame, of course, but when did wack-jobs ever make sense? :-)
Nothing odd about it at all, when you're dealing with a textbook narcissist.
I have no doubts from the OP has spoken about that the sister isn't one.
For one the silent treatment, a normal person gets angry and may stop speaking to someone, but not for a year, as the sister has done to the OP and the father. We're not talking about someone doing something horrific like stealing $20,000 out of your checking account, this is minor stuff that sets them off, the silent treatment is their trump card. They stop speaking to you when you have done nothing wrong, but it makes it look like you did, than they expect you to aski "have I done something wrong?"
You can't win with them, they do hate to be ignored, even negative attention for them is better than no attention. The only thing you can do is realized what you're dealing with, limit contact, and don't give them the reaction they want.
Go to the family gathering and love your parents with all your might...one day they wont be here...dont let your sister get in the way of that relationship...everybody else gets what they give...they give love, they get love...they ignore you, a silent prayer for them and go on and enjoy your life with the rest of your family
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