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I'm going to admit I find it kind of funny that quite a few post suggests that Moms are one thing and MIL are another (and apparently quite evil). Except that every one of your moms are also a MIL and I'm going to guess that most of you don't see your own moms in the same way you see your MIL. I don't think the problem is strictly the MIL....
Well know it's hardly ever one-sided. And it is interesting to observe that... But of course your own mother is going to bring different feelings for you than a MIL. Seems obvious. But I will tell you my own husband prefers my mom to his.
Basic communication, right, in terms of "hey, this is how you and I can avoid misunderstandings." Reasonable, I thought. Well, she was all, pouty, passive aggressive and said "I guess I should just go upstairs since I don't way anything right."
My husband and I didn't play into it. We just said "What are you talking about?" and walked out of the room.
This is the kind of stuff I don't do well with.
This is how it is with mine. One time she came over to play cards, for a couple hours between meals. She later made a passive aggressive comment "You guys were supposed to put out snacks!" Um, OK? We offered drinks, do you want anything, but no. She waited till later and said she expected a platter of "Happy Hour" stuff. I can't read your mind! But she doesn't, she'd rather criticize and complain about what you did or didn't do later and make a whole case of it. She thrives on it.
I'll probably get tarred and feathered and run out of CD for saying this but I think it's similar to the age old question... which came first? The chicken or the egg.
Having been a DIL and a MIL I think SOME DIL's and MIL's are way too sensitive and look for stuff to be upset about.
It doesn't create a comfortable atmosphere for anyone including innocent bystanders like children or other relatives when MIL's and DIL's are both on edge waiting expectantly for that one remark that's going to make one of them flip out. As one who's been put in that situation you can actually feel the tension in the air. It's not pleasant. Everybody walks on eggshells trying to avoid that explosion.
If you have issues with your inlaws please talk it out like adults instead of stewing over it. Talk it out without accusation. Avoid the 'You did or you said'... One of you be the bigger person, take a deep breath and say something like " I sense you're upset with me. Tell me why so we can get past this'.. It's really not that hard.
You both have one common interest and that's the person you married. As a MIL and a DIL, we are not your enemy.
The person that you fell in love with was raised by us, so we must have done something right along the way..
And the child we raised fell in love with you so you must have done something right too.
Full disclaimer, I only read the original post. But your relationship with your MIL is JUST LIKE MINE with my MIL. She is judgemental and critical, she questions everything. I smiled and was polite for awhile, but eventually I decided, WHY? Why should I have to take this all the time? So I started being very cold to her when she said those things, I started to offer rebuttals. It hasn't curbed her behavior but it makes it much more tolerable on my end. Why do I care if she likes me? I don't.
The latest was when she came over and told my son he shouldn't be crocheting because he's a boy. I was livid, I yelled at her to not bring that attitude into my house, my kids can do whatever they want. It felt good.
I really don't care anything for the opinions of my MIL and FIL. I had my MIL tell me once that my son was too cold, followed by my FIL telling me my son was too warm a few minutes later. It is just absurd. I'm a grown woman. If I want advice, I'll ask for it, and if I don't, then back off.
Well know it's hardly ever one-sided. And it is interesting to observe that... But of course your own mother is going to bring different feelings for you than a MIL. Seems obvious. But I will tell you my own husband prefers my mom to his.
Of course it's different. The feelings between a parent and their child are, bar the most extreme exceptions, unconditional, you can annoy each other and drive each other crazy and get hurt feelings, but in the end a parent always loves their child and is always on their 'side', and vice versa. There is no such connection with an in-law. You're essentially two strangers, often with drastic differences, who were brought together by mutual love for one person, and that is why you're forced to tolerate and respect each other. It's great if your personalities mesh, not so much if they don't. And just like your own parents, they're always going be on the 'side' of their child, and they're going to look out for their interests, and they'll forgive THEM almost anything they say, but not you. And then grandchildren come into the picture, and it gets even more complicated because now they feel they have a vested interest in their well-being and looking out for them...
Again, as I said, part of it for us may be the culture, stemming from a background where it was common for three generations to live together and the 'village' raising children. It's very hard for the older generation who grew up with that to change that mindset and accept that their adult children should be making their own decisions for their families without unsolicited input.
I wouldn't say you did the right thing BUT I will say you are HUMAN and like you said it just built up and you snapped. The same happened with an Aunt who is very critical on and on all the time and I snapped which caused her to SCREAM I was like omg.
I had to realize with her, the problem is in her. She has narcissistic traits. Meaning she has to put others down to inflate herself.
And that isn't going to change. If I stick up for myself i am challenging her view which is unacceptable. They feel ATTACKED. So, I've almost started threads on it before but I know the answer for myself. Let it be. Nod my head. Let it go. to infinity ......
this^. Standing up to MIL and defending her right to dress her own kids the way she feels is right, but the attack on MIL's parenting was uncalled for.
But it's natural to do. When my aunt is beating up on me I want to go you can't even stop eating even though you have a heart condition that requires you to lose weight and such.
when you are put down over and over at some point you want to point out how the other person is not so perfect either.
I did say once, I guess you gave up on the Heart Diet. It was not meant to be in a mean way, we were discussing food and how hard it is to stay away from the ones that you love.
It still looked like I slapped her in the face. And she went into a serious defensive mode I was like oh crap .... good thing I never said it the mean way!
I'll probably get tarred and feathered and run out of CD for saying this but I think it's similar to the age old question... which came first? The chicken or the egg.
Having been a DIL and a MIL I think SOME DIL's and MIL's are way too sensitive and look for stuff to be upset about.
It doesn't create a comfortable atmosphere for anyone including innocent bystanders like children or other relatives when MIL's and DIL's are both on edge waiting expectantly for that one remark that's going to make one of them flip out. As one who's been put in that situation you can actually feel the tension in the air. It's not pleasant. Everybody walks on eggshells trying to avoid that explosion.
If you have issues with your inlaws please talk it out like adults instead of stewing over it. Talk it out without accusation. Avoid the 'You did or you said'... One of you be the bigger person, take a deep breath and say something like " I sense you're upset with me. Tell me why so we can get past this'.. It's really not that hard.
You both have one common interest and that's the person you married. As a MIL and a DIL, we are not your enemy.
The person that you fell in love with was raised by us, so we must have done something right along the way..
And the child we raised fell in love with you so you must have done something right too.
That doesn't work with over-controlling critical people who think their way is the only way to do anything! I have two Aunts this way.
The only thing that worked for my cousins, all boys, was to tell their mother in no uncertain terms that they are married now, and just like she ruled the roost in her house, their wives now rule THEIR roosts and if she wants to be around them she will keep her mouth SHUT.
(You're way is very good, I just mean it doesn't work with everyone. Not everyone is out to be accommodating or give a crap what anyone else thinks or feels if they are WRONG in their eyes. My aunt is very caught up in right and wrong and in no situation is anything anyone else does that differs from hers is even acceptable.)
I have been meaning to reply to this post for awhile now. First off, I think you finally snapped and yes maybe it could have been a bit better but I think your MIL needed to hear it. One of my regrets is that I let my MIL say things to me for years without really dealing with it. Confrontation is not my strong suit and I married young so I was more interested in keeping the peace. This was my first mistake because I didn't set boundaries. She was overly critical of anything I did. I do have to say, she didn't say too much about my parenting maybe she sensed that would be the one thing to set me off. I dunno but anything else seemed to be fair game.
My husband wasn't the best on backing me up. Either he thought I was being too sensitive or he would go overboard on his reaction. He and his mother do not have a strong relationship. She is overly critical of everyone and I tried to find some peace in that. I wasn't the only one kind of thing. So sometimes I often kept things to myself as I wondered if it was worth it to get my husband riled up.
Something about turning 40 makes you not give a bleep and I started to become a little more vocal. Then we moved away and the distance helped tremendously. That really didn't cure the problem but putting my MIL in the nose bleed section of my life definitely made her realize I didn't want to deal with her critical opinions anymore. All that being said, I kind of had a boo boo moment myself over the holidays.
It is rare for us to travel back home due to traffic and poor weather but we did decide to visit for the holidays this go around. Like I said, I haven't really engaged with my MIL much for the past few years. I will visit my family on my own and if she gets a whiff I was in town, she will cry to my husband how she wishes she and I were closer. This is a load of bull because when we lived by everyone she purposely excluded me from things. I personally think she can't stand that I have basically shut her out. Anyway, we went to dinner and she started criticizing her daughter. My one SIL that is the black sheep of the family. Like I said, MIL is critical of everyone. Well my relationship with my SIL changed about 10 yrs ago when we first moved. Long story short, we had a disagreement about politics and she flipped her lid and told me that no one in the family ever liked me. Pretty much what I had always known but my MIL and other SILs are super fake, stab ya in the back, high schoolish types. This was the first time anyone ever said the truth.
So during dinner my MIL made comments about how she never sees me and how much the whole family loves me. She was really laying it on thick. She also made a comment how nice it was for me to take time out of my busy schedule (this was a dig, trust me) to visit her daughter (my SIL that she was bashing and who is now in poor health) and how she couldn't understand why me and the SIL weren't as close as we used to be. Now this is where my MIL plays dumb. Everyone in the family knew about the disagreement the SIL and I had. It was all over social media and it wasn't me discussing it. Before I could even process the thought, I simply said, "Well it was a trying time for me. "SIL" and I were close and I was taken back how angry she became over a difference of opinion. It also hurt that she said no one in the family ever liked me." My MIL's face went pure white. A woman of very stiff composure at all times, started stammering that it wasn't true. My Step FIL who knows exactly how my MIL is was dead quiet. As my MIL stated over and over it wasn't true, he quietly sipped from his glass. He knew damn well for years my MIL and SILs have had bashing sessions. I told my MIL it was all fine. Water under the bridge. It truly is for me. I am over it. Later that evening, my husband went to her house to pick something up. He went alone. He said she was waiting for him and told him she was very upset about the comment I made and she is insistent that no one in the family disliked like and she can't think of any reason as to why I would even think such a thing. So my husband calmly laid out all the times she had called him on the phone to complain about how I didn't do this right, how she purposely didn't invite me to things and so on. She pinched her face and said she doesn't remember any of that. My Step FIL said, "well I do." My MIL was fuming. LOL.
So anyway...don't let it stew for years. Critical people need to be told every now and then to hush. For my MIL it doesn't stop. My son is a young adult now. He visited her a couple of weeks ago. I recently purchased a dog and apparently she doesn't like the fact I have another dog. This is where she just can't mind her own business. She made comments about how many dogs we have now. I can hear her nasally voice now, "Hmmm....I just don't know how one can keep up with so many dogs." Then she played dumb and said the dog didn't look like a purebred. haha. She is comical. I am glad I can laugh now.
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