Dinner Party Where Guests Show Up With Their Own Food (holiday, grandma)
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It's important to consider intentions here as well. The guests brought a pot of soup, and apple pie, ice cream, and whipped cream. If someone were just trying to be rude, they wouldn't have gone to that much effort. Clearly their intentions were good. They may have missed the mark with regards to what Miss Manners would say is correct, but they apparently were intending to be helpful and in their own mind, polite.
Along a somewhat similar vein, what's with the bring your own everything parties? We were invited to one such party a while back. The host said, "Bring your own drinks and snacks." Uh, OK. In my world, when a guest is invited to a party, they don't have to provide their own refreshments. It's part of being a guest at a party. If you have to bring everything yourself, what's the point of going? You might as well meet the hosts at a restaurant or something.
My wife said that back in her partying days, her friends drank heavily and everyone drank something different, so it wasn't unusual for the hosts to tell guests to BYOB so they didn't go broke providing everyone's booze and also because they couldn't possibly offer the varieties of alcoholic beverages the guests wanted. I can understand the BYOB idea. But the host could perhaps offer beer or at least Cokes to the guests, and they can surely offer snacks to them. When hosting parties, I have always offered one type of beer, wine, Coke, and snacks. It's expensive, so I don't do them often, but that seems like the socially correct course of action in my view.
I think it's fine to a point. We turned down an invitation once where we were asked to bring food to share, drink to share, and a toy for charity. I think a more polite way is to say "we'll have beer and wine. If you'd like something else, you are welcome to bring it." Or to provide the main dish and invite people to bring a side. It depends on the group, though. "Bring your own drinks and snacks" is strange, though. That makes it sound less like a potluck and more like bring your own, and don't share.
People these days only want to eat THEIR favorite foods, watch THEIR favorite tv shows/movies, talk about THEIR topics. If they can't do that they get upset. They just can't eat anyone else's cooking or stand to do some activity that isn't exactly of their own choosing.
I remember the days when the most you could do was politely refuse something by saying "I don't especially care for ___". Whenever you get with people you need to try to be open to new things - that's part of what socializing is about. Now people make a huge fuss. Sure - you can't eat things you're allergic to - so alert your host and don't turn it into something that is all about YOU. You're a guest and there is some give and take expected because you're going to enjoy their hospitality and their company.
Regardless of their motivation, when someone shows up at your house it is your job to use good manners to make them feel comfortable.
Why be insulted by their contribution? Be kind. Get out a REGULAR bowl for their soup instead of being high handed about the bread bowl. Your husband was trying to be polite. you chose to put your feelings before everyone elses. Miss Manners would be disappointed.
People these days only want to eat THEIR favorite foods, watch THEIR favorite tv shows/movies, talk about THEIR topics. If they can't do that they get upset.
Well, to be honest, this can be said not only of guests, but also of hosts. When I invite guests into my home, I don't just serve MY favorite foods. I take my guests into consideration and adjust accordingly. I plan menus, activities, etc. with the whole group in mind, not just my own preferences.
Oh my gosh, discussing manners is a hornet's nest. Recently, my family has been refocusing on mealtime manners, and we had a long discussion about the basics. In a thread posted to Food & Drink, I posted our list of what we as a family decided to work on at our dinners. Oh boy, did it set off a fire storm! A few readers of the thread were incensed at our requirement that everyone be present at the table before anyone begins eating, which I would have not have thought would create controversy, but it certainly did. Seems a lot of people really resent having to show up on time for meals and/or waiting until everyone is seated before picking up a fork.
This is my take on the matter at hand, but I fully expect that others will disagree after the hullabaloo over mealtime manners recounted above: the issue likely boils down to poor communication between the host and the guests. That being said, I do think that there has been a turn away from common sense manners when sharing meals with others. Were I to be invited to dinner and asked to bring a dish, I would bring exactly what was requested, no more no less, plus a small hostess gift. I would eat what was served, and if it was inadequate, I would keep it to myself. I would focus on enjoying the evening with those present, because a dinner invitation is primarily a social event not a feeding event. And afterward, I would make a note to invite the host to join me for a home-cooked meal sometime soon.
That's my $.02. Carry on.
Last edited by randomparent; 01-08-2017 at 12:39 PM..
Oh my gosh, discussing manners is a hornet's nest. Recently, my family has been refocusing on mealtime manners, and we had a long discussion about the basics. In a thread posted to Food & Drink, I posted our list of what we as a family decided to work on at our dinners. Oh boy, did it set off a fire storm! A few readers of the thread were incensed at our requirement that all of those eating be present at the table before anyone begins eating, which I would have not have thought would create controversy, but it certainly did. Seems a lot of people really resent having to show up on time for meals and/or waiting until everyone is seated before picking up a fork.
Agreed. We were at my sister's home for Christmas dinner with her parents, my wife, my BIL, and my two nephews. We had driven 150 miles for the occasion. The older boy is 9 and the youngest is 3. I was shocked that she did not insist that the younger child eat Christmas dinner with us. She allowed him to sit on the couch playing on the iPad throughout the whole meal. Even if he didn't want to eat, he could have at least sat down with us during the most important family meal of the year.
Agreed. We were at my sister's home for Christmas dinner with her parents, my wife, my BIL, and my two nephews. We had driven 150 miles for the occasion. The older boy is 9 and the youngest is 3. I was shocked that she did not insist that the younger child eat Christmas dinner with us. She allowed him to sit on the couch playing on the iPad throughout the whole meal. Even if he didn't want to eat, he could have at least sat down with us during the most important family meal of the year.
I'm pretty easy going in my day-to-day life, but I would not be okay with children not making an appearance at the table unless there was an illness. For a three-year-old, I'm thinking long enough to at least sample the meal, maybe ten minutes? At that point, I would excuse the child to play, because I understand that little people really do have a problem sitting still.
Agreed. We were at my sister's home for Christmas dinner with her parents, my wife, my BIL, and my two nephews. We had driven 150 miles for the occasion. The older boy is 9 and the youngest is 3. I was shocked that she did not insist that the younger child eat Christmas dinner with us. She allowed him to sit on the couch playing on the iPad throughout the whole meal. Even if he didn't want to eat, he could have at least sat down with us during the most important family meal of the year.
So true.
Since he can sit long enough to play video games, he can sit long enough to be with visiting family this one day.
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