Dinner Party Where Guests Show Up With Their Own Food (wedding, dynamics)

[randomparent]

Originally Posted by Aery11

While I agree 100% with the list cpg35223 presented above, I am chagrinned to realize (per the introductory line) that all this time I guess I have been incredibly rude and just didn't know it.


I always ask if there is something I can bring - and I have never ever heard anyone ever say .. yes, indeed, we would love it if you would bring a, b or c - but I would never go empty handed to anyone's house for any reason whatsoever .. even if I just drop in for tea. I just wasn't raised that way - though I have no problem if others arrive at my house without anything other than open hearts and empty stomachs! But, no one ever seems upset if I arrive with food as a gift either. I guess now I wish they would just be honest with me if they are offended by my gifts, etc. but I have never heard anything other than a friendly chiding 'you shouldn't have' or 'you didn't have to do that'.


If it is just tea I may show up with some baked goods - they seem to go over well with people in this community - but they rarely serve them back to me which is absolutely fine with me. I don't bring it for me .. I bring it for the host/hostess - and once in their hands, it is theirs to do with as they like. In no way is anyone obliged to serve what I bring - just as they are not obliged to open a bottle of wine a guest may bring along. They can toss it in the garbage if they like - or eat it another day - or give it away.


That said, I don't always bring food but the people who invite me over the most don't really drink so after I tried the bottles of wine and realized that even if they do occasionally have a glass, the kind I like is definitely not their taste .. and flowers are impossible to find in this tiny town .. so often what I have to give is something from my heart, from my kitchen - and they seem to receive it well. But, perhaps I just didn't know what they were really thinking. It almost seems rude to ask though at this point.


I recently was invited over to my next door neighbours' place for a lasagna meal and I made a tourtiere (and a whole pile of chocolate peppermint bark) to take .. it being the season for same and, because it was not a tradition with that family, I thought they might like to taste it. I didn't expect though that they needed to put it on the table - but they did and everyone had a piece and seemed to love it .. it disappeared very quickly AFTER the lasagna had been eaten by all.


I didn't care for her lasagna to be honest - it looked pretty but it didn't seem to have any tomato or meat in it .. it certainly wasn't juicy like mine so I will never take them a lasagna now that I know what their tastes are in that department. But, I ate the meal, smiled and praised it (even though I practically gag on margarine and that is all they use in that household). I went for the camaraderie, not the food, and I certainly was not disappointed there. My personal tastes however are very different from those of this family (I love spicy foods, they obviously don't) so I didn't make a 'spicy' food to take. Sometimes I take steaks and certainly don't expect them to cook those when I am there - but I know they like steak and so I buy the best I can find for them to eat another day. This particular family does a lot for me without being asked and won't accept any money, so I am always trying to find small ways to show my gratitude.


I am a gracious guest and in no way do I want to offend anyone who is nice enough to invite me over. I guess now I am going to have to forget bringing edible gifts though since apparently these days so many seem to think that this practice is malicious.

You are offering host/ess gifts of food without the expectation that it will be served during the social occasion you're attending. That is entirely appropriate and quite a different situation than showing up with a replacement entree.

[ocnjgirl]

Originally Posted by randomparent

You are offering host/ess gifts of food without the expectation that it will be served during the social occasion you're attending. That is entirely different than showing up with a replacement entree.

The people in the OP didn't bring a replacement entree either, they brought soup. OP did not present any reason to think they brought it just for them in place of eating her food, despite the leading way the thread is titled. She said her husband had some, so obviously they brought it as a contribution to the table. Again, it is perfectly fine for OP to ask next time that they not bring food, but I don't get the degree of offense taken, to me it's out of proportion.

[hertfordshire]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Yes I did, as a matter of fact. I just found your post objectionable, essentially justifying rude behavior.

Either you missed, or chose to ignore where I said

I do agree that it's rude to bring food without consulting with the host/ess. More than likely, they've put effort into selecting a menu meant to complement and balance.

Also where I said

So either I would have to eat beforehand, or I would have to shorten my stay and leave to go eat something else.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by hertfordshire

Either you missed, or chose to ignore where I said



Also where I said

I did indeed read it. On the first, you were offering up a justification when there's really none to be made. On the second, you were actually offering up cutting and running immediately after dinner as appropriate.

[hertfordshire]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

I did indeed read it. You were offering up a justification when there's really none to be made.

I think you're having a reading comprehension problem. You are agreeing with what I have said. But yet, choose to argue.

[Javacoffee]

Originally Posted by pll

Has anyone ever invited family over dinner and they brought their own food? They weren't asked in advance either.

I had never had this happen to me and I'd never think of doing it either. I make some wonderful soup (broth based such as Chicken noodle, minestrone for example). However for this particular dish, a cream based soup is needed because it was placed in sourdough bread bowls and it would not absorb the all the broth. We served Clam Chowder and Tomato Bisque Soup in Bread Bowls which is traditionally served in bread bowls.

I was insulted when they walked in with their pot of soup...Then my spouse chose to eat theirs too!

It was funny when I looked over and ALL the water was absorbed in the bowl and all that was left was carrots, potatoes, and chicken chunks..

I would encourage people not to do this. It's very insulting to the host or hostess.

That was extremely rude of them. I've never heard of such a thing! I don't care if they did have dietary restrictions. If they did that without first discussing it with the hostess, they are the rudest people on earth. Their behavior is totally unacceptable and inexcusable. They would never be invited back to my home for a meal, and my husband would most certainly get an earful for rudely choosing their food over mine.

I can hardly even believe the comments that followed the OPs post. Manners have all but disappeared.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by hertfordshire

I think you're having a reading comprehension problem.

Doubt it. This whole subject is pretty cut and dried. If it's not a pot luck supper, you don't show up with your own food. There is no justification, no excuse, nothing. It is just an insult to the person who worked hard to cook the meal in the first place.

[CatzPaw]

Originally Posted by pll

Does the food served matter that much? The point is why don't people focus on the time spent together?

OP, reread your own questions and ask them of yourself.

Frankly, it sounds as if you do not like these people much. Are they your husband's relatives? Though you note that one of them (the woman, no doubt) is known to be "unkind," bringing some soup and dessert really doesn't sound like a deliberate slight or rudeness. Had you asked that they bring dessert? If they hadn't, would there have been *any* dessert? Edamame is no finisher in my book.

I can understand your irritation, but with so much of your attention on the soups and bread bowls, it sounds more like you're bent out of shape because you didn't receive enough huzzahs as the family Martha Stewart.

You've already hit on the solution: Get thee to a restaurant next time and try to enjoy the time spent together.

[rrah]

Just curious if the OP has made clam chowder or tomato bisque previously.

[charolastra00]

I wonder if they knew the OP's attitude toward food allergies/intolerances (the "just this once" comment) and were trying to navigate around it?

My boyfriend has an exceptionally restrictive diet due to IBS. He eats low-FODMAP which means a whole lot of things, but most dramatically it means he cannot have any onion, garlic, mushroom, soy, or gluten along with a whole host of other things that you'd think would be innocuous but cause him serious and intense flare ups. The list of foods he needs to avoid is so long that it's easier for us to bring our own food for everyone involved. It's amazing how hard it is to avoid garlic and onion when it's used in so many seasonings and commercially bought soup stock! Even a tiny amount of garlic or onion (i.e. onion powder in chicken broth at less than 1%) cause him serious distress.

We certainly have friends and family who think he's blowing it out of proportion and it won't be such a big deal to partake "just this once." We've had meals at their homes where we're sure they weren't careful when using seasonings, and my boyfriend has paid for it. Even for people who are trying to be concerned hosts, it's very difficult to accommodate so we always bring our own.

Granted, we're in our late 20s and most dinner parties we go to seem to be potlucks so we manage. I can't imagine attending a dinner party without informing the host that we would be bringing at least one safe-to-eat dish of our own. I wonder if there was a miscommunication where the guest thought bringing a dish would be appropriate?