At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (fiance, neighborhood)
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Yup i seem to be in an anomaly situation all around. We've all heard of PITA in law situations and mine seem to take the cake.
Not even close!!!
That's absurd. Nearly every "non-romantic relationship" thread contains FAR, FAR worse in-law stories! Even threads that aren't about in-laws!
Here's the thing, OP: a whole lot of objective people who only know what you've posted are trying to tell you, "Your in-law aren't that bad! These issues don't even have to be problems--you're choosing to see them as problems! Let it go!"
You do realize that I ASKED A QUESTION whether she's retired and living on SS, rather than emphatically stating that she is. The OP did not answer my question, just like she hasn't answered questions about the 35 year-old brother's competency level, exactly how many times a year they have these dinners, or many other pertinent details people have been asking her. At any rate the mom is the elder, she's the one traveling across the country to see her sons. Even if she's a rich snowbird I see no problem in the sons covering her meals.[/QUOTE]
Sorry, when you visit friends or family out of your area and you stay with them, you take them out to dinner at least once. More if you're staying for more than a few days.
Like you I'm in CA, when I went back east a couple of years ago and stayed with my cousins in NY and NJ I took them out for breakfasts and dinners a couple of times. I wanted to do it, but also felt they're putting me up in their homes and feeding me, it's the least you can do to show your appreciation. You also make your bed and leave the bathroom clean.
Doesn't mean the sons shouldn't treat their mother to meals, but at some point her and her boyfriend should do the same.
I agree, the OP hasn't been very clear on the specifics of the situation.
But the OP's mother-in-law does not stay with her and her husband; she stays with the brother-in-law and wife. I don't see why the OP is causing herself unnecessary stress since they're not at her house. I agree with you about visiting cousins and not expecting them to pay for all your meals. I just think it's different when it's the person who raised you, and age does play a part. My elderly parents and grandparents deserve a different type of treatment than my same age cousins. The mother shouldn't pay for her meals, but her boyfriend should pay something. He's a man, he's not their blood relative, and he's not married to her. I think he IS freeloading.
My grandmother had half a million dollars in the back, owned 3 properties, and lived below her means on her SS income and retirement income. She didn't 'need' anyone to pay for anything for her.
It was out of respect that my father, and his siblings, paid for her to visit and everything associated with it.
None of their spouses ever had an issue with it.
Exactly! Is it a generational thing? I'm not even old. I don't care if Mom has Zsa Zsa Gabor money. Any normal 40 year-old man with a decent career that would sit up there and have his hand out while his 70 year-old mom reaches into her purse for cash is pathetic.
But the OP's mother-in-law does not stay with her and her husband; she stays with the brother-in-law and wife. I don't see why the OP is causing herself unnecessary stress since they're not at her house. I agree with you about visiting cousins and not expecting them to pay for all your meals. I just think it's different when it's the person who raised you, and age does play a part. My elderly parents and grandparents deserve a different type of treatment than my same age cousins. The mother shouldn't pay for her meals, but her boyfriend should pay something. He's a man, he's not their blood relative, and he's not married to her. I think he IS freeloading.
I agree with you about treating your parents and elderly relatives with extra respect. What I was saying is when you're a guest in someone's home it is the polite thing to take them out to dinner.
When I went back east I stayed with my one cousin who when I said I was going to rent a car offered their extra car. I took them out to dinner twice, and topped off the gas tank.
It's just basic manners.
Yes, the boyfriend does sound like a freeloader. Not the best way to get the family to like you....LOL.
If it's that big of an issue that it's causing you all to fight about it this much then separate your finances. You guys split the household bills and the kid expenses and then whatever you both have left you each spend how you see fit.
This is an excellent suggestion!
He can spend whatever he wants on his mom/siblings/dinners/gifts from his "pot" after his other obligations are met. You, OP, don't have to know or care a thing about it. His choice. Just be sure to say "thank you" if he invites you to the family dinners
Oh and i had to add that DH gives his dad who we never see $25 a week. His dad has a lot of health problems. I cant say im happy about this...but sometimes people have to help out aging parents and $25 a week isnt breaking the bank. I just dont know what the future holds with his family and it makes me uneasy. Who will need money next? Also last year S decided that he and my DH should get the brother a mattress for xmas. A mattress is a pretty expensive gift for a brother for xmas from two men that have families. I think if S wanted to buy his brother a mattress he should just do it.and leave my dh out of it. Of course my dh wont say no. So i have to just be the nag who askes why are you doing that etc.
I'm sure it cost your husband's father a great deal more than $25 a week to raise his son! I think you are being extremely petty when it comes to your husband helping out his ailing father, even if the amount were 5 times that, and even though you don't ever see him. How would you like to see a whole lot more of him, such as him moving in with you?
That said, from my knowledge of salaries from several online sources, I think it is likely that your husband, the cop, makes as much money or even much more than his VP brother, even if your husband hasn't been on the force long, though he likely has been an officer more than a few years, right?. Maybe your husband will get a promotion. Your husband will likely retire at a much younger age and will have a big pension with huge benefits. Then, he can even get a second job if he wants to do so, and he'll get that money on top of a pension.
As an example, I just looked online and saw actual paycheck amounts for a "Police Officer II" position in Los Angeles.
Here's what it showed:
Regular Pay Overtime Pay Other pay .... Total benefits Total Pay/Benefits
Sorry, when you visit friends or family out of your area and you stay with them, you take them out to dinner at least once. More if you're staying for more than a few days.
Like you I'm in CA, when I went back east a couple of years ago and stayed with my cousins in NY and NJ I took them out for breakfasts and dinners a couple of times. I wanted to do it, but also felt they're putting me up in their homes and feeding me, it's the least you can do to show your appreciation. You also make your bed and leave the bathroom clean.
Doesn't mean the sons shouldn't treat their mother to meals, but at some point her and her boyfriend should do the same.
I agree, the OP hasn't been very clear on the specifics of the situation.
Sure, that would be ideal and proper, but how would you suggest OP go about enforcing these etiquette guidelines?
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