At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (wife, boyfriend)
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I have been having issues with my husband's family when it comes to gift giving at holidays/birthdays and paying the bill at dinner. I am at my wit's end but my husband and my own mother think i'm wrong. My husband has 2 brothers, one is married with 2 kids, ages 7 and 2 and the other is 35, single and lazy. My DH and i have 2 kids ages 9 months and 2. Prior to getting married we'd often go out DHs family and when the bill came, regardless of who was there my dh and his brother who is married would split the bill. The brother, we will call him S's mother in law would often be at these dinners and she never would offer to pay or even thank us after the bill had been paid.
DHs mom lives across the country with her boyfriend. They come to stay for christmas and they stay with S and his wife for a month. I have no idea why they need to stay a month but this has been happening since 2014 (we got married in 2013) and i find them to be a bit much. They also stay for a month in april then again in the summer. Even though they dont stay with us we constantly have to be involved in what theyre doing, usually driving to S's house which is 45 min away, S's kids always seem to have a cold, then our kids get a cold, my mother in law, we can call her C always ends up getting sick it seems when she comes out. Last year she had pneumonia, then it was a stomach bug. I dont even want to see them because they are always sick!
Anyways that is one issue but the dinners and lunches bill is really what gets under my skin. Why should it only be us and S's family to split the bill? Why cant the 35 year old brother, S's mother in law or the boyfriend ever help pay!?? There was one dinner i didnt even go to recently and DH still paid half the bill for all these people and it was just he and my 2 year old son! Also S's mother in law at one point would give us a xmas gift and we'd get her one also but last year she got us nothing even though we got her one. This year DH still got her something and she got us nothing. It's interesting to us both that she stopped getting us something all of a sudden even though we get her something. In my mind im thinking oh yeah and we always pick up the tab for you at dinner too!! Double wham.
DH and i have had some fights about this. Ive said this is no longer fair or sustainable. We have kids, bills, and why has this just become a 'tradition' that the only people who pay the bill are DH and S. The other thing about S is that he is a VP of finance at a fortune 500 company and his wife is a finance director with an mba. They have a verry nice income, more than dh and i make by far and this gets under my skin also. S is perfectly content to have us foot the bill for HIS mother in law yet he's never paid for my parents for a thing. DH is too proud to say anything...but im starting to hate these people. I find it incredibly rude and obnoxious that they just think they dont have to be responsible for a meal they ate.
My mom tells me to be the bigger person and dh thinks im awful and that I am the one who is cheap. I am so annoyed everytime we have to even see these people because it always involves a bill. Tonight it was a $300 dinner bill.
I feel like theres nothing i can do. DH is not on my side and i feel resentful towards him. I liked his family at first but now i find them to be cheap, inconsiderate and a few of them are just lazy.
Am i completely off base? In my family it doenst work this way. We split the bill amongst all the adults when we do dinners. Theres no one who just sits there with alligator arms expecting that someone else will take care of them. I actually hate S's mother in law now because she is always going on these exotic trips. She has the money..but poor DH and i pay for her and give her xmas gifts and get nothing back! I just dont feel like giving to these people!
This has gotten long but the other issue is that DH alwaaays spends more money on S's family for gifts than they spend on us. Again maddening considering they make more than us. I am starting to wish DH was a lot less generous. Generosity is a wonderful quality but i really feel like a chump here. DH would probably divorce me if i ever dared say anything when the bill comes...there are times id like to say, oh ok so how are we splitting the bill tonight but that would just be awkward...i mean hello i know who ends up paying.
Is this normal? Do other families operate this way? I told some people at work about it and a few friends and they think it's ridiculous. I feel like the bad guy with dh and my mom though.
I don't want to read 27 pages of information. I did not realize that this thread is that long. Still the OP interests me for some reason.
Here is my thoughts:
1. You and your husband need to talk about this. Maybe talk about a lot of other things as this is bothering you. As a husband myself and one with much older kids, and i am betting that i have acted the part as a husband for much longer than your husband has, you may want to let him know that his responsibility is toward making you happy and not some other family members. Your happiness is what he should be concerned with.
Husband should always be on wife's side.
The saying goes, " If the wife isn't happy no one is happy." To continue: "If the wife isn't happy long enough she will be unhappy with half your stuff."
So to recap, his job is to make you happy, not his mother in law, someones mother in law, a brother, or wife of a brother. He has a wife to make happy. I have learned as a husband that no one else matters, even my own parents.
2. Gifts will do nothing to make anyone happy. I would say just stop giving gifts. We have a large family and we switched to a gift exchange. We draw names and everyone gets a gift. One year we even had a deal where everyone brought a gift and each person had a chance to pick a gift. The next person could pick a gift or take one of the gifts that someone else had already chosen. That was a lot of fun and we all still remember it. For people that have money they are going to buy what they want anyway and if you have less money chances are you can not compete anyway.
Best thing to do is set a spending limit and then stick to it. If someone else goes over the limit I would never feel bad. We set a limit of $25 each year and it works for us.
3. Picking up the tab: If your husband will not let it go, compromise with every other meal. You will want to fill in the other people though before you try this. Although I think it would be a lot more fun for you to just walk away as a family and let the others figure it out. In fact could you have someone film this as it will be a lot of fun to watch on you tube. LOL
Something that is even more fun is a potluck dinner with everyone bringing a dish. Lots more fun and family oriented if you ask me. I don't think that only two people should need to pay for the entire meal for so many people.
I have the opposite problem, whenever my parents visit us they refuse to let us pay for anything. This despite us being DINK and solidly upper middle class. They actively scheme against letting us pay by doing things like privately telling the waiter to give them the bill, grabbing it as soon as it hits the table, etc. I just want to carry my fair share. They are also way too generous on Christmas presets, if we try to scale up what we give them to match what they gave us, a week later we get a bunch of new stuff in the mail. It comes off as weirdly competitive lol.
"Mom, dad -- you have always been great parents and we love doing <insert activity that involves use of money> with you. You have always been so generous and gracious about <paying for said activity> and we love you for it. That said, we would also like the opportunity to do likewise to say thank you. We would only feel comfortable continuing <said activity> with you provided we have the privilege to pay the bill on occasions.
Many spouses have a hobby that cost money, sometimes much money, such as fishing (boat, tackle, supplies, travel, etc), automobile racing (car, parts, track fees), hunting, etc. And it's not just guy stuff. Sometimes it's collecting art, jewelry, keeping horses, redecorating the house, throwing parties, and so on.
Spouses like when their spouses do enjoyable things so long as it doesn't interfere with the budget and long-term plans.
These hobbies I mentioned that so many people have probably cost much more per year than the dinners and gifts cost. Why not just agree that entertaining is DH's hobby and let it go at that?
Many spouses have a hobby that cost money, sometimes much money, such as fishing (boat, tackle, supplies, travel, etc), automobile racing (car, parts, track fees), hunting, etc. And it's not just guy stuff. Sometimes it's collecting art, jewelry, keeping horses, redecorating the house, throwing parties, and so on.
Spouses like when their spouses do enjoyable things so long as it doesn't interfere with the budget and long-term plans.
These hobbies I mentioned that so many people have probably cost much more per year than the dinners and gifts cost. Why not just agree that entertaining is DH's hobby and let it go at that?
I've asked several times about how much money we're talking about. As far as I can tell, it's probably at the most about $1500 a year. That's less than most hobbies. Heck, not me, but plenty of women would spend that much on purses in a year. Or going to the salon or getting nails done.
The OPs husband makes a good salary. She works full time as well. I really don't think money is the issue, which is why her arguments about COST fall flat. The real issue is a vast difference in family styles - and those dynamics were in place long before she stumbled onto the scene. She married someone with family values that are markedly different from hers and sorry - but that's not likely to change.
I don't think it's about the money either, it's about the OP not feeling like her opinion matters. Her husband just dismisses her when she tries to bring it up, that's what he's doing and he doesn't care what she thinks. I can't blame her, I'd feel the same, but it won't change until she tells him what she really thinks.
I've asked several times about how much money we're talking about. As far as I can tell, it's probably at the most about $1500 a year. That's less than most hobbies. Heck, not me, but plenty of women would spend that much on purses in a year. Or going to the salon or getting nails done.
The OPs husband makes a good salary. She works full time as well. I really don't think money is the issue, which is why her arguments about COST fall flat. The real issue is a vast difference in family styles - and those dynamics were in place long before she stumbled onto the scene. She married someone with family values that are markedly different from hers and sorry - but that's not likely to change.
It's not about the money, it's about the poor treatment and not offering to pitch in. It is shameful to try to justify this as spending money on a hobby which gives you pleasure. You are trying to rationalize the abuse by these in-laws. Might as well say, At least they have not physically attacked you. Come on!
It's not about the money, it's about the poor treatment and not offering to pitch in. It is shameful to try to justify this as spending money on a hobby which gives you pleasure. You are trying to rationalize the abuse by these in-laws. Might as well say, At least they have not physically attacked you. Come on!
This DOES give her husband pleasure. Come on.
They have the money. He likes spending it generously on family. I would bet that he's also generous when it comes to the OP. Bet she wouldn't really want to change that trait in him.
I'm not even justifying or discussing the behavior of the other family members - the OP is not going to be able to change their behaviors or attitudes at ALL.
It's not about the money, it's about the poor treatment and not offering to pitch in. It is shameful to try to justify this as spending money on a hobby which gives you pleasure. You are trying to rationalize the abuse by these in-laws. Might as well say, At least they have not physically attacked you. Come on!
She is not being abused. I agree with the OP that it was rude for the MIL not to acknowledge the birth of her child, and that the MIL's boyfriend is getting a free ride, but calling it abuse is a stretch. She complained about her MIL staying at her BIL's house (NOT her house), complained about taking her children to see the MIL when she (the MIL) is sick, and even complained that her BIL gives her kids toys from TJ Maxx and Home Goods. First of all I think it's distasteful that she's looking at where the toy came from, rather than if it makes her child happy. Second of all, does a 2 year-old really need their toys to come from Saks and Barneys?
I also don't think OP has really tried that hard to tell her husband how all this makes her feel. All of us are guilty of thinking we told someone how something bothers us, when what we actually did was give a drive-by comment, or we say it in a way that sounds like repetitive complaining and they tune us out. If she were serious she'd stop going to these dinners. Bottom line she is stingy with money and selfish with her affection.
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It's not about the money, it's about the poor treatment and not offering to pitch in. It is shameful to try to justify this as spending money on a hobby which gives you pleasure. You are trying to rationalize the abuse by these in-laws. Might as well say, At least they have not physically attacked you. Come on! 
