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If the person has been a friend for years is the seconds it takes to send an email,foreward a joke too much??
Depends. The OP is frustrated she isn't getting the response she wants, so why keep doing the same thing over and over? Like I said, I don't talk to anyone that often, so to me, it's too much, especially if it isn't being reciprocated.
I'm going to cut OP a bit of slack. It is very difficult to be around a person who is in a black mood. I just don't think this is the time to walk away from a very long friendship, and a couple of emails are not much price to pay.
She isn't around him, she isn't even talking on the phone to him.
It's email.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga
What do you want out of this friendship? Apparently five phone calls and 5 emails are too much to bother with for a 15 year friend -- so what are you hoping for? Sending 5 emails is "saintly"? Really?
Do you want your words to magically heal him of his depression? Do you feel he is overindulging his funk and not making any effort towards wellness? Do you blame him for his depression?
Are you looking for permission for throwing this friend overboard and going on with your life, not having to worry about your friend and his funks?
Apparently it is, some friend.
But there are people in life who the minute someone might need even a little help, are in the wind.
...
This guy has absented himself from me.
And while I recognize it is his choice -- not for me to tell him how to cope with his feelings,
but then it is my choice to say - there is a limit...
so .. any thoughts?
I think it is more complicated. Other factors are involved. It is not so simple.
I have been down the depression road many times. For me I cannot continue to be around someone who is very depressed and is not doing something to help themselves. Yes, I get it, it is a dark place to be.
Maybe you aren't strong enough to continue to try to support him. You don't have to feel bad about that. It is okay to be selfish at times for your own mental health. For me--I cannot only take so much because I work on myself constantly. I have to do things and be around people that make my life happy and help fill it with joy. It is my own kind of holistic medicine.
You do have a choice, you have to set your own limits for your own mental health. It is okay to be selfish at times.
My thought would be: You've been friends for 15 years, and you can't even outlast a depression for 2-3 months? It sounds like you email, but don't bother to call or see him. Your main point is that your vanity is wounded because he's not asking about you. So you sound like a pretty dismal friend.
If you've been able to "pull yourself up," then you haven't experienced severe depression.
Exactly. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who think that someone in depression can just pull themselves out of it and go for a walk.
You haven't been supporting him. Go over, grab him, take him for a walk, out to lunch, sit and talk in person. An email? That's not hoe you treat a friend.
OP I think your asking the wrong question. Its irrelevant what other people's limit is on supporting a friend. All that matters is how much YOU ARE willing to do. And that's purely a personal decision. If you feel like you have done enough then that's that.
Now what I think you were really asking based on your situation is do others on this board think you are doing enough? If that's the question then I absolutely think you aren't doing enough (or even close to it) IF you consider this person a close friend.
If I was in a situation like yours with a close friend, I would be willing to go and sit in silence for an hour every day indefinitely if the person told me it made them feel better. So in comparison writing an email/calling every few days and not having him ask you questions seems like a trivial amount of effort on your part. However, from a purely logical point of view the decision on "how much effort is enough" is personal and completely up to you.
Exactly. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who think that someone in depression can just pull themselves out of it and go for a walk.
You haven't been supporting him. Go over, grab him, take him for a walk, out to lunch, sit and talk in person. An email? That's not hoe you treat a friend.
I remember years ago, one of our neighbors/friend committed suicide. He had shown no sign of depression at all to us. I mentioned to my father-in-law that I was very upset that this had happened. FIL commented that our friend should have "pulled himself up by his bootstraps." Unbelievable! I hope people are more aware today.
It hard to say.. I know some times we are getting tired of things too... but as other member said.. just send an email don;t bother about his answers ..
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