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Maybe more than once, but DEFINITELY this particular time:
I didn't know my new mother in law well. I did know that at one time she had had four children but that she had a baby that died in an accident when he was 8 months old. That was a LONG time ago and the family simply didn't talk about it much if at all. My husband was the oldest child and even he didn't remember this sibling much at all.
Anyway, so I was pregnant with our first child and she said, "Oh, if it's a boy, have you considered the name Bernard?" and I said, "Bernard? No. That name reminds me of a dog."
She looked at her new daughter in law very flatly and said, "Bernard was the name of my baby who died."
I remember a coworker about 10 years older than me when I was in my 30's. During the six years at one employer, she had at least four miscarriages, the final one was just brutal. It wasn't so much the question people continually asked her, "don't you want kids?" It was the fact with each time asked, she was reminded about her loss with each question. Now if you friend in her 40's, maybe It won't be as raw, but even if it's your sister, you don't ask unless she brings it up. Cuz once you let those words out, there's no way to stuff them back down your throat. This is a case where saying less is more.
I don't have kids, either, for reasons that are complicated to get into and don't lend themselves well to being explained on Facebook Messenger. Possibly she just didn't feel like trying to explain via messaging. I've gotten asked why dozens of times over the decades and have never held it against anyone that they asked.
Chowhound, if it makes you feel any better, in a misery loves company way, a couple weeks ago I did something very similar on Messenger. The circumstances are similar to yours, except this woman and I grew up in the same neighborhood but didn't know each other well. Recently, we'd been getting better acquainted and messaging back and forth as a prelude to getting together at some point.
She wrote that her ex had worked the same smallish (at the time) city department as my husband had, though they just missed each other by a few months. This was decades ago. I jokingly wrote, "Oh, then your ex was working there during the legendary ____ episode!" Abrupt silence from her end. Uh oh. Surely her ex wasn't involved in that incident...? I had my husband ask around and yes, you guessed it, her ex had been one of three employees fired for their involvement in a sex scandal on the job. She hasn't messaged me since, though she's "liked" a comment or two of mine in response to her Facebook posts. My weak defense is that I just assumed she wouldn't have mentioned her ex's name and the fact that our spouses had worked there at the same time if he'd been involved. But of course I should have just kept my mouth shut, given the possibility.
I'm sorry! There's no way to backpedal from that kind of thing, either, is there? That SO sounds like something I would have said in that situation. I've put my foot in my mouth on that topic, too. I was talking on the phone to my sister-in-law shortly after the birth of their son. When I asked what they named the baby, she mentioned the name of their flamboyantly dysfunctional uncle and I laughed loudly. She wasn't joking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
OK I think I said the worst thing ever once.....Anyway, so I was pregnant with our first child and she said, "Oh, if it's a boy, have you considered the name Bernard?" and I said, "Bernard? No. That name reminds me of a dog."
She looked at her new daughter in law very flatly and said, "Bernard was the name of my baby who died."
I asked my new co'worker when she was due. Not pregnant. However, she did explain that she was going to have "Smart Lipo" to get rid of the baby flab. After she had it done, I complimented her on how great she looked; it really was amazing.
Well, I missed stepping in one pile but promptly stepped in another.
It was Christmas. A cousin, who already had a toddler, had noticeably put on weight. Yes, you know where this is going but believe me, she looked better with the weight. Instead of asking her when she was due, I quietly asked her DH. He said, "No, she's gone off the diet." They had been on a strange cult regimen that had little basis in actual science and I thought, "Good for her!"
I had honestly never seen her as happy and glowing as on that occasion and I told her it was great to see her looking so healthy.
He was NOT HAPPY.
Sorry guy, not everyone is meant to be rail-thin. And who are you to be telling your wife what to eat, anyway?
Maybe more than once, but DEFINITELY this particular time:
I didn't know my new mother in law well. I did know that at one time she had had four children but that she had a baby that died in an accident when he was 8 months old. That was a LONG time ago and the family simply didn't talk about it much if at all. My husband was the oldest child and even he didn't remember this sibling much at all.
Anyway, so I was pregnant with our first child and she said, "Oh, if it's a boy, have you considered the name Bernard?" and I said, "Bernard? No. That name reminds me of a dog."
She looked at her new daughter in law very flatly and said, "Bernard was the name of my baby who died."
I read somewhere that you should never ask a woman when she is due unless the baby's head is crowning......
My "open mouth, insert foot" moment came when I saw an aunt I hadn't seen in awhile at my mom's. She was always rather mousy, dressed matronly, bowl haircut, etc. However this day she looked good; I don't know if she had a make-over or what but I said "Wow Aunt Rose, you look great, I almost didn't recognize you".
Don't be so hard on yourself. We've all said or done things that later (or immediately) we cringe at. Don't let the finger waggers on C-D make you feel otherwise.
First of all, I'm a childless married woman who has been asked that many times. In my case, it wasn't a medical issue (for me) so I have no problem or embarrassment explaining the reason: My mother developed Alzheimer's when I was in my early 30s, before I had met my husband, and at that point I had to focus too much time and energy on helping my father with her care at home. So I realized I could not be responsible for raising a child in those circumstances.
Secondly, your question had no ill intent, and that was explained to her.
Her reason for not responding may not have anything to do with being offended. It may be that she simply doesn't want to explain it, or it's too long to explain over FB. It doesn't mean she is upset with you.
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