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You are kinder than I am. He's speaking from ignorance, but lordy, I could not have come back with a light-hearted comment like that. I'd have let him have it, right between the eyes. People like him have no idea how damaging their words can be, they are too busy being cool. YOU DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO AN EXPECTANT COUPLE. You just DON'T. It's beyond rude.
Eh, I don't sweat the small stuff these days. But I do notice it. I think its sad that someone is so insecure as an adult of almost 40 that he has to worry about his position in the line of priorities with a baby. This is clearly someone who is immature and easily threatened.
We will have a "come to Jesus" and when we do, he probably will just move on to another "host." But as this is my mate's pal mostly, I want to present a united front.
Sometimes we need to cut some people out of our lives. He sounds very immature and wants to do nothing but drink, party and act like he is still 18 yr old.
Your baby comes first and you r family comes first. Does your husband feel the same way?
This screams selfishness and jealousy. He's afraid that he will lose his mooch-pad. The world now seems full of adult man-babies that try to live off others. Why did so many men refuse to grow up?
The next time he says something like that, just say "Yeah, we will miss you. In fact, don't you have somewhere you need to be now? We want to talk about the baby, and we know you aren't interested." Then proceed to gush about baby stuff. Drive it home that your life will include a little one - and he can adjust or move on.
LOVE the above response!! Congrats OP!!
Personally, I would tell him to F'off! You have been through SO much that you do not need for a person like this to be in your life! If they were a true friend they would be SO happy for you! Kick them to the curb!
OP, why do you two even have this guy as a friend? You don't describe him in complementary terms. What are you or your husband getting out of this "friendship", which sounds a bit more like a dependency, on his part? If I were you two, I'd dial back the frequency of interaction, and move this "friendship" to a back burner.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
He sounds obtuse. Honestly, I think I would've gone OFF on him by now. lol I think you or your mate are completely within bounds telling him what your priorities will be now, and that you don't appreciate denigrating talk about a new baby. And if I were the one doing the talking, I'd probably be a little loud. LOL
He DOES sound like a jealous sibling. A YOUNG jealous sibling.
I think the OP instead of going OFF, better to turn this friendship OFF. I'm childfree and don't really babies but to say this crap out loud is tone deaf as it gets and completely insensitive to say the least knowing your past.
Congrats on the pregnancy OP. I hope everything goes well. You don't need the added stress of an unsupportive houseguest right now so do as the others have suggested and have a talk with him or have your mate talk with him as men usually respect another man's opinion more so than a woman's.
How about kicking him out the door?! Who needs THAT?! He is speaking from ignorance, not knowing your background, but still . . . what he has said is typical of a free-wheeling lifestyle that has no ties to anyone. He just doesn't get it.
Also, you and/or your partner/husband needs to sit down with your "mate" and say, "Look -- WE love children. We lost a child 10 years ago to cancer. I can't even tell you how painful that was, and I'm not going to talk about it now. We then tried to adopt, but it fell through. This pregnancy is a miracle and a blessing to us. For you to sit there and say "Babies are boring" is one of the worst things you can say to us. If you can't be happy for us, then at least SHUT UP."
Quote:
Originally Posted by twins4lynn
I think your husband should take him aside and tell him of the pain and ordeal you both went through losing a child to cancer and having a failed adoption, and should tell him to never, ever make a negative comment regarding babies, children or pregnancy to either of you again.
Your husband should say it firmly and not get into a discussion about it, just relate the above comment and tell him to drop the entire subject.
I agree. Your "friend" is acting like an immature child.
...Any ideas on how to approach the next time he says something like this? Anyone have friends who did not react well to your family growing?
Sit him down and give him the same capsule narrative of your difficulties trying to have children, and then tell him that his remarks have been hurtful to; and that you do not want to hear anything like them ever again. Period, no threats.
If he is too stupid to understand that honest, barebones message and repeats his former type of remarks. You tell him that he is not welcome in your home.
I've found that as people age, they often have fixated beliefs about their friends and how they want their friends to live their lives. Is that fair? Nope. Are there sometimes underlying wounds there? Yes. Are some people just self-absorbed a-holes? Of course. But, whatever his story, this guy sounds lonely and miserable. There's a reason for the phrase "misery loves company." And you've experienced a great joy - which separates you further from him. Congratulations on your unexpected joy and may you have a smooth and healthy pregnancy/delivery!
People have united in saying this guy isn't a friend. And maybe he isn't. A true friend would want you to achieve your hopes and dreams, even if they were in the dumps. But true friends should also be able to share their genuine reactions with each other. Perhaps this guy is too stuck in his own stuff to realize he is killing your joy about something that means the world to you. But he has a right to his feelings about it. The problem is, he isn't articulating his feelings...he's hiding them behind blanket statements about how people feel about babies. If he were to say, "I know this is something you've always wanted and I so want to be happy for you, but I'm stuck in my own misery and recognize that you living this dream makes me feel more alone" - would everyone feel the same way about him?
Obviously, this isn't what he's articulating. And we don't know the reasons/history behind this friendship. OP knows better than we do about what's going on with this person and why the friendship exists. That said, if he even has potential as a friend, your telling him about your family journey should at the very least elicit an embarrassed response on his part. You can't hear that a person has lost a child and desperately wanted another and think "meh" if you are a true friend.
We started our family relatively late in life and had a few friends who told us "if you ever have kids, we can't be friends anymore." Though it seemed like a joke at the time, we later learned much more about their own infertility struggles. While it seems mean-spirited and egocentric, they had experienced too much loss to have joy for our gain. Sometimes it's more about them than it is you. I'm not saying that's the case in your experience, but it's something to consider.
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