I was disowned by family when I was 17 due to falling pregnant – 20 years later, they have come calling and it’s all abo (presents, present)
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If that were me, I would pretend that I didn't know the truth. Just send a sympathy card without return address, and tell him you feel bad about him having cancer, and hope he gets well soon.
Yes its waste of money, but you don't have to make it expensive. Just go to dollar store to get card - its either 50 cents or $1, and stamp is 50 cents. Most you will probably spend is $1.50, maybe even $2.00 if stamp is slightly more because of envelope.
It sounds like you and your husband are an amazing couple with a wonderful family. Family has nothing to do with genes or blood. Family is about the people who love you and care for yoy. Sounds to me like you have a wonderful, living, caring husband and as hard as it is, you should listen to him.
Who has been there for you all these years?Who has helped you raise an awesome child? Your bio parents? Or your husband? He has your back.
That's not to say you can just ignore this. I personally think you should talk about this with a third party (therapist) to help you gain closure. And also, sir down and write them a letter - not online, but in a piece of paper. Write it all down, every thing you wasn't to throw in their faces. Then destroy the letter. Do not save it and not ever think of sending it to them. As old-school as this sounds, the mere act of writing it out will help you gain some clarity and perspective.
I want to also say that you should not feel guilty, they should. You were 17. you didn't commit a crime. You didnt kill or steal or abuse an innocent person. And you needed help and guidance and compassion and they turned you away. As a mom, as a mom to a son who has been through his fair share of issues, I would never do that to a child. I would definitely invoke some *tough love*rules, but I would have helped a child of mine in a similar situation.
I have to honestly agree! Your family didn't care that you needed money with a baby and disowned you. She didn't even care to see her own grandson! Now they need money and come crawling, NOT WORTH IT!!
This is not family! They have been out of your lives longer than they were in it.
Block them and don't look back. You're better off with out them!
Location: Foothills of Maryland Blue Ridge mountains
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jonesg
Lots of spiritually crippling advice.
Dig 2 graves when plotting revenge.
I don't think this should be about revenge. I think the healthiest option for the OP and her family is to not respond. The most loving thing she can do for her husband and son is to block all contact with her "parents," and continue forward, enjoying the fruits of their labor.
To introduce that level of drama and angst into her life....it seems that she would be undoing the years of emotional hard work it took to build her life.
Let it be in the past. Her parents showed their true character years ago. Even though her son is a young adult, why expose him to her parent's particular brand of poison? Even if she thinks she's shielding her son from them, if she reconnects with them in anyway, her son will suffer.
Last edited by homeonthelittlemountain; 06-17-2017 at 12:31 PM..
Cut her off just like she did to you. If she's truly sorry and wants to repent for what she did in the past that's one thing, but the fact she immediately brought up needing money and made up a "sick dad" story is just repulsive. I dunno why anyone would make that up.
I hope your husband still has a relationship with his parents. Such a hard thing to go through being kicked out and struggling on your own. But it sounds like it make both you and your husband stronger. You two are a unit and your son is an example of how hard you worked, and you are proud of him.
Sometimes I think it's better raising your own family away from close relatives, learning to lean on each other and stand on your own. My husband and I did that. We never had parents breathing down our necks, giving us their input, listening to their ideas, rules, bitterness, or expectations.
You make your family with those you love and they aren't always by blood.
I hope you welcome whoever your son or other children marry - With open arms. You learn a lot from a situation like yours.
I had a similar returning grandmother who thought I should forgive my father for being jerk to me (and HER & his own father). Our ENTIRE LIVES. Completely self centered and uninvolved in either of our lives UNLESS HE WANTED SOMETHING.
When he got a probably terminal cancer dx.
She only asked me to contact him and didn't even ask for money and I said no way in hell. I have nothing to say. REally weird since when his father (her husband) got both legs amputated w cancer HE NEVER EVEN DROVE UP 1 HOUR TO SEE HIM.
She never called me again even THOUGH I was by her side my whole life and he wasn't.
PFFFT.
Ignore them
My ex's grandma does the same thing. His father (her son) disowned him for being gay and was abusive to him, and she wants him to forgive him "because he's your dad." Yea, no. Inseminating a woman does not make one a father, raising and loving your kids, does.
Do as your husband asks. Ignore your mother's message, delete, block, make absolutely no contact nor any other indirect response of any kind. Keep in mind that whatever you do will impact your husband and son just as much as it impacts you. They are your own true family and your family's financial solidarity, happiness and peace of mind is most important.
You talked to your cousin already and that should be your one and only indirect response to your mother's message. In all likelihood word will get back to your mother that you read her message and called your cousin to ascertain the facts about your dad's alleged cancer. Your lack of personal acknowledgement to your mother and blocking her on face book is all the response she needs to let her know that she should go elsewhere for support.
Those people are no longer your parents, by their own choice they are strangers to you now. There is no need for you to respond in any way to strangers who contact you out of the blue to prey on you with emotional blackmail as a way to ask for financial support.
Do as your husband asks. Ignore your mother's message, delete, block, make absolutely no contact nor any other indirect response of any kind. Keep in mind that whatever you do will impact your husband and son just as much as it impacts you. They are your own true family and your family's financial solidarity, happiness and peace of mind is most important.
You talked to your cousin already and that should be your one and only indirect response to your mother's message. In all likelihood word will get back to your mother that you read her message and called your cousin to ascertain the facts about your dad's alleged cancer. Your lack of personal acknowledgement to your mother and blocking her on face book is all the response she needs to let her know that she should go elsewhere for support.
Those people are no longer your parents, by their own choice they are strangers to you now. There is no need for you to respond in any way to strangers who contact you out of the blue to prey on you with emotional blackmail as a way to ask for financial support.
.
I'm going to respectfully disagree, they are her parents and they are not strangers, 20 years ago they wounded their daughter, and wound has left an ugly scar. The OP wants an answer for that scar, wants to know how a parent can do that to one of their kids. I doesn't sound like her parents are ready to have that conversation, so until then, they are not ready to reconcile. So the OP is trapped in a place with a need to acknowledge what her parents did to her, the scar won't let her forget.
Forgive them and move on. You don't have to support them financially, but you can have some sort of relationship with them. I understand how you must feel, but from a spiritual perspective, forgive them as Jesus forgives us. How can we ask Jesus to forgive for our sins , when we can't even forgive our fellow man down here. Forgive them for your own spiritual preservation, but if you are not a spiritual person, and don't believe in God the father and Jesus Christ, then just do what some people here been telling you to do.
You don't have to be the people they are. Time change and people change in 20 years time, and I promise you are not alone in this situation. I wish you well and hope it all works out for you.
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